There are people being killed in the streets
And in hot, understaffed kitchens, I am working
I am working until my body fails me
And as I fall into my dreams when I get home
Gunshots, screams and cries echo in circles
And my dreams are full of bloodied bodies
And even in my dreams I am powerless
Even in my own life I am powerless
Controlled by the need for a mere couple hundred of dollars
To feed those dear to me
As monsters bare their teeth
and spew their deadly germs all over my sweaty, exhausted body
I am paid just barely enough to buy myself a meal.
There are people being killed in the streets
Their are people dying in hospitals their families can’t afford
Hospitals that I couldn’t afford
And I am cooking food for those who can afford to eat out
I shouldn’t be feeling the burn of a hot oven on my skin
I should be feeling the burn of a hot sun on my skin
As I take to the streets
As I fight for those who are hurting
Hurting more than I can even fathom, more than I can even imagine.
It is almost the Fourth of July
And people are being killed in the streets
And I don’t even have time to cry
And as people celebrate with lights and loud bangs in the sky
People will be fearing for their lives
And children will be without their parents
And parents will be without their children
And as I grieve today
I have to wipe away my tears
I have to pull my hair away from my face
I have to put on a name tag and an apron
While people are being killed in the streets.

The hand that fed me
Became the hand that hit me
And when I bit his fingers
He only hit harder
We played when he wanted to play
And when the rough housing hurt me
I was crying in the corner like a kicked puppy
And I thought maybe I’d run out the door and down the street the next chance I got
But I was chained inside his bedroom
My collar so tight I could hardly breathe
And on that day I decided I didn’t like these games anymore
The front door opened and my restraints loosened
And I think the worst part
Is that I kept coming back to sit on the front porch
Hoping he’d let me back in
Because you never leave the hand that feeds you
Even if it leaves you starving

You rubbed the blood on my tiny hands
When I was only a child
You hammered the nails into my subconscious
And drowned my head with thoughts of sin and sorrow
And I was only a child
Fearful of what or who may be watching me
Fearful of what or who may be judging me
Until I cowered under my baby blankets hoping to disappear
Yet I have to thank you
Yet I’m supposed to love you
Even though I know you talk to God
And I know he tells you not to love me
But Happy Holidays and
The warmest of regards

I don’t want to crave the harshness in the back of my throat anymore
I want to dance in the rain with you
Even if I lose my breath
Even if my hair gets wet
I want the world to become a little brighter
So I can see clearer just for a little while
Even in the middle of the darkest of months
And maybe my head wont hang as low
And maybe my neck will no longer ache
And maybe my body will feel a freedom and clarity I haven’t felt since I was a child
Even in the middle of the darkest of days.

I know you didn't mean to
I know it wasn't your intention
But when you say I hurt you
I can't help but think that you made me
You gave me the knife that you fell into
And never understood my concern as your blood poured over my white clothes
No amount of bleach could wash the stains away
Yet I continued to scrub desperately at this tarnished cloth
Until the seams began to separate
And I know you didn't mean to
And I know it wasn't your intention
But I was left uncovered and cold
And you didn't hold me anymore.

This new room does not hold me like the old one once did
Lacking the cracks in the walls to count and memorize
And the old children's stickers peeling up at the corners on the baseboards
But it's mine, and I'm on my own just like I've always wanted
(Right?)
A cupboard, a fridge full
Yet all of the food rots away like my insides
As I'm laying in bed at night
Fluttering my lids at every sound
At every footstep
Of a reminiscent spirit that clenches at my chest and pulls me back into this godforsaken bed
Where I grasp aimlessly at dreams out of reach
No longer dreading waking before the sun rises for work
But relieved to leave the heaviness these blankets.
People say I look good, I seem like I have my energy back
Did you lose some weight?
(yes)
And words come pouring out of my mouth so quickly they trip over each other desperately
(I am desperate)
And I lie
I tell my mom, I'm sorry I've been so busy
When I haven't left this house leisurely in weeks
And she can clearly see the dark concaves under my eyes.
My mom gifts me food to take home
And I have to deny
Knowing I'll be unable to eat it
Unable to fill this body so hollow
And now so frail.

Walking through the quiet halls I see a silhouette of what could be
And of what used to be
There are no blankets to pull over us
But I lay here tangled in cotton and plush
in this darkness of your absence
A few footsteps
A few miles away from me
Feels like the longest of journeys
With my heart racing and my palms growing warm
I wish I could put this to rest
I haven't slept in a while
But I will still turn off the lights for you.