My mothers perfume is sweet
but not like candy or fruit
my mothers perfume is champagne when she exhales
and wet concrete when she sobs in the dark
my mothers perfume is laughter written on
her face with $40 eyeliner
that does not smudge when she cries
my mothers perfume is her hair in my face
when i fall asleep next to her on the couch
my mothers perfume is not a smell
but a feeling in my chest when I hug her

Big butts
small butts
round butts
flat butts
All butts
are nice butts
butts butts butts

I remember how my world turned blue
everything I saw was blue
like we were under water now
like when we fell asleep we were in the ocean
but sometimes we were red
like when you slapped me for no reason
Like when you said you want to hurt me
Like the ocean turned to blood and
I was going to drown
but then you said you love me
and I could breathe again

To love you
In secret
burns through me.

I can not hear the birds
Singing to me.
Your song echos

Touch me
I want to be devoured by you

From within, I cry out to you
but my surroundings paralyze us

We cannot say it.
Like salt statues of lovers
I freeze when I turn to you

Why, then, do you wait for me?

I am stone, I am still, I will never catch up.

A gun only holds so many bullets.
How long until you run out?
How long can you let
bullets spiral out towards
yourself?
Will the last bullet go through
your head?
Will it be by your hands?
Or his?

You took away a life
I could have had
and replaced it with
a feeling of self loathe.
You made me hate myself
because I wasn't allowed
to hate you.
I could have been different.
I'll never get to meet myself.
you killed her when she was 5

I didn't think you'd grow up
to be so beautiful
and so sad
I wonder if you'll
die before me
your hair is so orange
And your eyes green
and your entire body
kissed with freckles
and your veins pierced
with needles
and your body poisoned
With decay
i am sorry
I wasn't there
to
tell you
to
stop

I thought I meant nothing to you
Now I know you cared
enough to make sure no one elses
hands ever touch my skin
the way yours once did
But not enough to ever
feel my cheekbones with your finger tips
again.

When I can't fall asleep
I ly in bed and I think about you
I think about the words you said
And I believed

It makes me wonder
Where you learned to lie like that

I don't need you anymore

She tells me when she falls asleep
She thinks about me
And everything I've told her

She asks me where I learned to lie like that
And I didn't have an answer

What world do you speak of
That fetishizes the mother
And turns it’s back on the infant
Pursing
Suckling
Like a bee on a Carmellia in
July

What is inside of me that hasn’t
Already been emptied?
Do you every wonder,
Why, we mothers
Bake our children cookies
Only to wrap our heads in cloth?

And our husbands,
God rest their souls,
Will burn down the walls
To put out the fire

T

The sound of your voice
Makes my ears ring
The touch of your skin
Makes my body tingle
The way your eyes
Introduce mine
Sends me on a trance
That's unexplainable
The way you ask to
Hit my cigarette
even though you hate the taste
Leaves my head questioning
Why I like the taste
I crave you
I hate **you

I'm lying on the cold concrete again
Tonight
I think there are bees in my
Veins
They must have snuck in threw my
Heart
I'm lying on my side again
Tonight
Because I don't want to choke on
My *****
I'm lying on the cold concrete again
Tonight
The bees are stinging me
and my veins are bursting
Theres blood on this sidewalk
I threw up and drew a smiley face
In it

"Kiss me"
you wrote on a napkin.
and left it in your jacket pocket for me to find
"I want you"
you wrote on a sugar packet
and handed it to me like it was a joke
"Nothing" you wrote on my lips
the first time they touched yours

August 2012
I see her
Walking to class.
She doesn't look at me.
But I could feel  my life change
in 1, 2, 3

September 2012
I meet her
On the top of the stairs
Her fingers combing through
Her brown hair
They had to take a break
To introduce mine
With a more than friendly shake

October 2012
I talk to her
It felt surreal
She likes Joan Jett.
So do I

November 2012
She walks me to class.
"Do you like me?"
I waited so long
To hear those words
Roll of her ler lips
And now, I don't feel it.

December 2012
We stopped talking..
Although she tries.

January 2013
She stopped trying.

May 2013
I miss her.
But I don't have the
right  to say that,
Do I?

July 2013
We're talking again
I miss her

August 2013 P. 1
She's trying to get over me
I saw it coming
But I was so close
To having her
please

August 2013 P. 2
I saw her
She held my hand
I missed her so much

September 2013
I'm confused again
I lost my feelings for her
again
And I cant imagine why
Why this is fair?
My life, my brain, gives her back
To tear her away?
This is going to break her..
I don't want to break her..
Its not fair.

October 2013
I kissed her
Or maybe she kissed me
Either way
Our lips touched
It was so fast
So short
But it was a kiss
And I srill feel her soft lips
Linger on mine

Kiss me
Do it gently
Do it hard
Put your lips on mine
Do it tender
Do it soft
Kiss me
Do it anyway you want
Just kiss me
And keep kissing me until
I feel something with you

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I can still feel your
finger tips under my skin
sometimes I wish I never let you in

Maybe I loved you.
But I'd never admit it
Because I'm saving that feeling.
For some one who's worth it.

I couldn't actually love some one
as mean as you, right?

It's 3 am and I'm chainsmoking
Cigarettes
I wrapped myself up in a cocoon with a blanket but I'm still shivering
Thinking about how you used
To wrap me up in your arms
While we slept on a ***** floor
But I was always comfortable
I miss the sound of your voice
So I get drunk every night and
Listen to the voicemail you sent me
In 2010

When I asked if you still loved her
you said no
When I asked you to tell me about her
you did
When I asked you if you still loved her again
you said you didn't think so
I bit my lip and tried not to cry

sitting on the concrete
i think the sun had a crazy night
because its still asleep
these lights hurt my eyes.
oh wait there aren't any lights
i think i'm going crazy
why does my head still hurt
you make my physically sick
i think its raining
never mind it's just my eyes
i hope you never get good head
i hope you choke on your *******

As red drips through
the many cracks of a wall
my mind slowly becomes more vague.
I stand over the wall that was once a pale yellow
and I try to remember what yellow actually looks like.
But I cannot remember because I cannot imagine
a color other than red.
But then the wall becomes black,
no everything becomes black and I can not remember
what red looks like.
I try to imagine how this wall once looked
but there is no longer any wall.
not a yellow wall, not a red wall, not even a black wall.

god is the way I
feel when you are inside me
I think I love you

California sun kissed your cheeks
California sun held you in her arms,
Wrapped her hands around your neck
Like the rope you hid in your closet

I miss you.

Do you remember picking flowers
In our backyard

Making homes for bugs
Thinking we were keeping them safe
Locking them away

Do you think our parents
Thought they were keeping us safe too?

How many more times
Did I need to tell you
That I love you and couldn't live
Without you
For you to have stayed

Missouri rain cradled you in her arms
Kissed your track marks and told you
There was nothing wrong
Missouri sky's picked the needles out of
Your arms
Like I used to pick the splinters from
Your fingertips

I miss you.