i felt the great lake in the summer time
i swam beneath her depths
her currents rushed beneath my feet
the upwelling water refreshed.
i knew the great lake in the winter time
i walked across frozen waves
i saw her ice and destruction
her chill took all i gave.
i never met her in October
when her shores were cooling down
the west winds glazed over her churning surface
surrounded by orange, then red, then brown.
the world around her was dying
but she was coming alive
excitedly, she slammed the pier
warning all to step aside.
sand whipped across the naked beach
but now my body was not bare
i was protected by an autumn sweater
and i learned from the springtime wear.
we rode our bikes through forest dunes
the sun snuck through the departing leaves
the last remnants of summertime fell to the ground
air whistled through the trees.
nothing can last forever
no matter how sweet, how pure, how true
there is a time when it ends and falls to the ground
and waits to become anew.
the lake must let go of her summer guests
and spend the winter alone
the trees must release what holds them down
and with freedom they may grow.
i sit here holding onto something i loved
even though it is no more.
my fingers still gripping onto the strings of the past
like waves afraid to leave the familiar shore.
maybe i can learn from the autumn lake
maybe i can be like the trees
maybe i can release what holds me down
and step out into the chilling breeze.
it scared me once to be alone
to face the world with no one by my side
but when i let the cold air hit my face
i felt a tingling sense of pride.
we cannot fear what we do not know
we cannot live if we do not let go
a seed is afraid to fall on the frozen ground
but in the springtime, she will grow.

a crowded space
words, some precious, thrown into oblivion
while the smell of cheap bar and clear *****
littered the air
i saw her look at you
and i saw you smile back
and it took me back to one day
in a similar space
years ago
when i was happy and drunk and i thought that you put the stars in the sky
it was how you looked at me
when we woke up in your twin-sized bed
lifted up and feeling high.
it was a time before
i screamed at you on the sidewalk.
it was years before
i sat on a bus of strangers
and pulled my sunglasses over my eyes
so none of them could see my cry.
it seems like a split second ago
when you said you loved me for the very first time
and i said it back
but i already knew i loved you
when we stood at the top of the highest hill
and watched the sunset over lake Michigan.
i knew that i loved you
when we got lost in the woods
and as darkness swallowed us in an unfamiliar place
i felt my body light up
because i had you.
what ended a long time ago
what feels so distant to me
i thought maybe it all didn't matter.
at least not anymore.
i felt like i was getting better.
but when i saw her
i felt like sinking into the filthy cement floor
and when i woke up in the morning
the hangover hit me
but not as hard as the realization that you have moved on
and i am still stuck
wondering how the ******* can still do this to me.

sometimes i want to rip up every photo of us
other days i tape it all back together.
i almost deleted your number last week
but then i didn't.
i almost did.
i deleted our conversations
released them into the technological oblivion
of past lovers
and empty words
and feckless attempts at reconciliation.
i wished i could remember it all one last time
just as it happened,
before it was soiled.
forgetting you is not linear.
there is no formula i can use
and no numbers i can crunch
to heal.
it's advances and retreats.
good days
and days where
the walls are closing in as i am watching you run farther away.
two weeks ago i kissed a new boy
i felt happy and free.
last night i cried myself to sleep
because i realized your scent no longer lingers on my pillow.
it doesn't get better each day.
sometimes it gets worse.
sometimes it gets terrible.
and sometimes i cry in the car when i am driving home from work.
but it gets better each time it gets good.
each speck of light i let in
eventually will turn into a flood.
i know the darkness will keep coming back
but one day there will be no more room for it all.

one day someone will walk into your life just at the right time
and you will think that all of your unanswered questions
are answered
and that all of your loose ends
are *******
and that all of your fears and worries
will go away.
you will be wrapped up in their arms and you will feel warm
safe,
complete,
whole.
you will unknowingly put their happiness
before yours
and they will
take and
take and
take
and you won’t even notice
and you will think it’s all okay
because you will think while
they are taking parts of you,
they are giving you parts of them as well.
and maybe they are.
but one day
after it’s been a long time
and after they complete your thoughts
and after they know your biggest secret
and after they know how you like your coffee
and they have memorized your wardrobe
so they know when you buy a new shirt
you will find out that they weren’t giving you all of them.
you will find out that you have run yourself dry
and they are still standing tall
and so little of you is inside of them
that they can walk away and they can be sad for a moment
but they can forget about you.
you will be left wondering what went wrong
and you will want to go back to them
because it is the only thing that you know
and you have forgotten that once,
before they walked into your life,
you were okay.
you were fine.
you were happy
and not sad
and not missing them
or anyone for that matter.
there will be days and nights
when you are so sad that you can’t get up from your bed
and there will be times when you look at yourself and only see him
and there will be moments when you feel the entire world crashing down and there will be seconds when the world seems to stop spinning.
but let me tell you this-
one day, you will be okay again.
not because you found someone else to complete your thoughts
or know your favorite things,
but because you realize that you can do all of this on your own.
you can write your own sentences
and you can experience things without someone by your side
and making you think that you need them in order to truly be happy.
first ,you will be sad.
you will be sadder than you have ever been
and you will write in your journal
and listen to depressing music
and feel like you can’t move on
and like you can’t be alone.
but one morning you will wake up
and he won’t be the first thing you think of.
one night you will go to sleep
and appreciate a bed all to yourself
and not wish that he,
or anyone else,
was there too.
one day you will see who you are
and what you can do
and how little you need someone else.
one day you will not give yourself away to someone
and you will keep it all within you.
one day you will be okay.
one day.

The first time it happened
you were a typhoon.
You crashed against my shores with no warning
and no prediction.
The levy was broken.
I was thrown into your gusts,
your rains
and I felt the full force
of your destruction.
I waited for your storm to pass
but a grey fog
blocked my sun for months.
and when the skies cleared up again
I walked down the streets I thought I knew
and stared at crumbled foundations
your brokenness,
your pernicious wake.

The second time it happened,
you were a thunderstorm.
Thunder boomed
lightening struck
and I was drenched by the rain.
My new shoes were soaked
and my hair was ruined.
I reached shelter
and watched your storm rage outside.
I sat under a roof
and I stayed warm in another's arms.
Your storm passed quickly
and their were no flash floods.
The rain bloomed the flowers
and the grass looked a little greener.

The third time it happened
you were a raindrop.
You struck my arm on a bright summer day
and evaporated into the heat
before I even had the chance
to see the spot where you touched me.
I wasn't even sure
if I had felt something
or if it was in my head.
The sun beat down on the Earth
and the light radiated through the world.
No storms were coming,
and no destruction followed.
You were a solitary
imaginary
drop.
Which left my mind before it nestled into place.

Hello, future, my old friend.
It's me, and I haven't forgotten all of your old tricks.
I remember how you sneak up on me when I least expect it.
I remember how you change minds and you change hearts and you change lives.
I remember how you invite yourself in with no warning
how you don't even bother taking your coat off;
how you leave your shoes on and trek mud all over my clean carpet.
Oh, I know you.
I know how you love changes
you live for goodbyes.
I know how you enjoy the fear I feel
when I consider your possibilities.
I know how you love to rob me of the present.
I know how you love to watch me squirm in my memories of the past.
I know how you love your unpredictability
I know that you will come.
I know I will not be ready.

when i pass by the lake, i have to stop and stare
how magnificent is it that such a beautiful body of water
is just sitting right there?
whether I'm shopping in Chicago
or hiking in Manistique,
lake michigan is my horizon, its depth is my peak.
i see every shade of blue there has ever been and will be,
i see white caps, forming patterns at the surface.
i wonder what fish are swimming below my feet.
i long to swim in it; to experience it’s vastness; to feel it’s chill envelop my bones
and to feel its warmth guide me back home.
my thoughts are clouded with the lake
and i see it in my dreams.
i think of its wide open rivers and its tiny little streams.
i wish to be near it,
to wake up to its song every day,
but when i rise in the morning,
i’m reminded that i am far away.

when you pass by the lake, you simply don’t stare,
such a magnificent body of water; do you know that it’s there?
if you were in Chicago, would it still be the same?
if you stood in Manistique, would you care that you came?
when you look at the lake, do you see all the blue?
or is every single ripple the same color to you?
do you think about fish, or wish to go for a swim,
or will you stay inside and say “i’ve already been in”.
have you drove by too many times that its escaped from your dreams,
do you find its rivers boring; “it’s not what it seems”.
you’ve seen it all your life, it’s as plain as a tree
is the way you ignore such a beautiful lake, the way you one day will see me?

My heart skipped a beat
as I stepped on the narrow beam
to climb up on a roof.
Not because I was scared of falling or getting caught
but because you grabbed my hand to help me up.
It was the first time I felt your touch
in years.
It was the closest I had felt to you
since I was  15
and climbing on those very same roofs the night before you left.
But tonight it was different.
Now I was 18,
I was drunk,
and the air wasn't warm and comforting like it was on that August night .
No, tonight it was cold and my body shook when the wind blew
across the roof and made me question why I was even up here with you in the first place.
But something about it felt so natural
and even thought I hadn't talked to you in so long
our conversations took flight
like they had never landed.

i told myself a million times
that if you ever tried to talk to me again,
i would be strong enough not to reply.
but when your number came up on my phone
the walls that i had been trying to hard to build up
crumbled down
and hit the floor with a defeating thud.
instead of feeling strong
i felt happy
relieved
wanted
even though you were just drunk
and i shouldn't have.

I kissed you
on the lips.
The frigid December air engulfed
every since of my skin
like your hands used to.
But they found their way back comfortably around my waist
like they had never left,
like the didn't now belong
around someone else's.
I knew then
that there was something unbelievably right
about  a moment that was so wrong.
But our lips found a way home
and every emotion I had failed to feel in an entire year
came rushing back to my mind.
And all of the tears I had not cried on all those nights
when I missed you finally came to me.
But you were no longer mine
and I was not yours
and out lips remembered that it was 3 am
and we should both be somewhere else.
I still remember the look on your face
when I stepped out the car
like you had so much more you wanted to say
but it's been a year now
and you still haven't said it.

I felt like a little kid
standing on the edge of the diving board for the first time
whenever I thought of you.
I would slowly climb up the ladder,
one step at a time,
everyone watching and waiting to see what I might do.
As I walked down the blue board
feeling the sandy texture on my toes
I would glance down at the blue water
that I was stepping closer and closer to.
I stood at the edge
my toes just hanging over.
I stared down
thinking that the water looked much deeper that it was before
when I was admiring it from the ground.
I wondered if I really wanted to immerse myself
into something so unknown and dangerous.
I closed my eyes
and with one last deep inhale
I would bend my knees and propel myself forward
pinching my nose seconds before the water engulfed
every aspect of my being.

But suddenly I forget how to swim.
The water becomes deeper and deeper
and I feel myself sinking into oblivion.
Down I go,
losing time with every inch I descend.
Watching the sun turn from a bright glowing ball
just beyond my reach,
to nothing at all.
I am screaming for you to save me
but you simply glance down
unwilling to jump in
and pull me out.

it’s funny how it begins
and you can’t remember exactly when
but one day you looked in the mirror
and hated every aspect of your being
that day when eating acquired a whole new meaning
at first you tried weaning but each bite felt so demeaning
suddenly your careening down that path they warned you about
if you tell, they’ll think you’re acting out
and no matter how hard you try to push it out
it sneaks back
always ready to attack
“don’t eat that” “put it back”
just trying to be like the girls in the magazine rack
but your while mind is changed
you think nothing is wrong, nothing is deranged
it doesn’t seem strange
that you can’t take a bite
without feeling like it is wrong
you wonder “have i been this way all along”
is it just in my head? i thought i was strong.

maybe if you texted me some other time
besides the wee hours of the morning,
when i am nestled in my bed
willing my mind to dream of anything
other than you.
maybe if you texted me some other time
besides the wee hours of the morning,
when you finally worked up the confidence
or maybe just the stupidity
to say what we both know is true.
maybe if you didn't wait
until there was no blood left in your veins
and only alcohol
to send me a message
we could have a conversation about the past and present.
maybe if you didn't tell me
how much you missed me
when i know that you will confess if all to her
i wouldn't be so afraid to tell you that i miss you too.
maybe if you texted me some other time
besides the wee hours of the morning,
you would get a reply.

i wished i could write it all down.
but there were simply not enough words.
and certainly not the right ones.

I wanted to jump into your skin
and navigate my way through your veins.
I wanted to sneak into your blood
and flow to every inch of you.
I wanted to leave no corner untouched
I wanted to be what you needed to survive
and what you couldn't live without.
But you wanted me gone
like I was a disease.
You wanted to be prescribed medicine that would get rid of me
once and for all.
I choked on my words
when I told you that you were the moments I wanted to remember
but the syllables rolled so effortlessly off your tongue
when you told me that you had already forgotten.
I looked into your eyes and I thought I saw myself
but when I checked a second time there was a no vacancy sign
I had not yet recognized.
I wondered what you saw when you looked into mine
and it struck me that maybe you never really had.
Maybe you didn't even know what I had eyes
because apparently you didn't know that I had a heart
and a soul
and a brain
and a ******* backbone
because you never saw those parts of me
when we were laying alone
drunk and half-clothed.
You never saw my heart and soul because
I never responded when the whole bottle of *** you drank
told me it loved me.
You never saw my brain because you never asked me about my life
or what I was passionate about.
And you never saw my backbone because every time you called me
I would gladly come.
To you I was merely the clear liquid you poured down your throat
until you couldn't see or walk straight.
To me you were so much more
than the contents of a shot glass
but ****, you burned like those drinks did
but with you it didn't stop in my throat
and I couldn't chase you down
with some carbonated beverage
no,
you stuck around and burned through every last part of me
until there was nothing left but ashes
like the ones you find in the remnants of an old house
barely recognizable,
the entire foundation crumbled.
No one could ever tell how beautiful the house once was
or how the light used to shine through the giant windows in the morning.
They could only see what it became.
Nothing.
Nothing like what you told me you felt.
In the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep
it wasn't me who was running across your mind.
Nothing like when I picked you up from that party
because you were too drunk to drive
and you left your contact on my seat
and I threw it away.
Nothing like when I woke up at 3 am in your bed
and my mom asked me what I'd been doing all night
and that is what I told her.
Nothing.
Nothing like what I saw when you led me down the steps to your pool
and it was so dark that I didn't know
anything else existed besides us two.
Nothing like what you told everyone else what we were
even though I did everything for you
for longer than I can even remember
and even though you made
two summers a little bit hotter
and the sun move a little bit closer to the Earth
because they envied us
and wanted to be together too.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing
And if I say it too many times
the word starts to change.
It gets stuck on my tongue
and turns into something else
and for so long I thought our nothing
would turn into something else too
but I was wrong.
Because people aren't like words.
You can't change them or make them to what you want.
If they are nothing,
nothing they will stay.