I hate that I yearn for your attention
And that you're right about me
It's been over 6 years
(2.396 days to be exact)
And I still dream about waking up next to you

this is why I'm so careful not to catch feelings,
not to meet someone like you.

I knew I wasn't ready (I'm still not)

but now you're gone and I'm wondering
     where you are
     what you're doing
     if you've met someone better than me yet

tell me
why you blame me
for being crazy
when you were the one
who made me this way
to begin with

you visited my dreams last night-
it’s not fair to me
to have you fill my mind
right when you left it

you tell me all about her on our first date
     about how hard losing her was,
     and what it did to you

believe me, i get it
     i know how hard it is to lose something
     that you know wasn't right,
     but needed nonetheless

but why did you have to pull me down into your sorrow,
into the depths of your pain,
when it's hard enough for me to breathe on my own?

you gave me no promises
but still I'm left disappointed

here i am being held by someone else
but somehow you flood my mind
    your smile (and how it’s different than his)
    the way you looked at me (and how your eyes seemed to shine  
    brighter)
    how at peace i felt (versus feeling nothing at all now)
how silly am i
to pine over someone
who has shown me how expendable i am to him

tell me that i was enough for you,
     that i'm still enough.
tell me how lost you are without me,
     that you look for traces of me in everyone you meet.

Cast to the side, here i stand. You may be gone, but i’m forever left with the aftermath of loving you.  Tell me, was it your intention to destroy me so completely? To think back on all the times you hurt me as i find myself lying next to someone new, or all the times that i am beneath someone else and i have to close my eyes to fight the panic rising inside me - did you mean to have this impact on my life? I am stuck between resentment and a feeling of loss; you were the greatest love of my life so far, but also the greatest pain. Lover, i miss you some nights and i can’t deny that. Your eyes, your smile, your voice… all were perfect. You were perfect, until suddenly you weren’t. And now i’m scared of falling for someone new, and discovering that I’m just as wrong about them as i was for you. See, my dear, i can’t survive someone like you again. Once was already almost too much for me. The scars on my arm still aren’t quite healed, as well as the scars on my heart.

Tell me, do you ever think of me late at night when you can’t sleep when you’re next to someone else? Do you think of the ways that i loved you, that i cared (that i still care). Call me nostalgic, but we could’ve been perfect if you were the person that i thought you were. I hate how you deceived me, letting me fall in love with a person that you fully knew never existed.

Since you’ve been gone, i can’t cry, i can’t love. I eat too much to drown out my feelings, i can’t workout since the impact that you left on me leaves me always exhausted. It hurts even more to know that you’re doing well, and that you’re not feeling the impact of the loss of me. But what else could i have expected (you made sure to tell and show me how expendable i was to you). In your eyes, i was nothing more than a shoulder for you to cry upon. I wish i could hate you, but i can’t. How could i hate you when it was my mistake to fall for you in the first place?

Sometimes i look back at pictures of you and the sight of you takes my breath away. You were exquisite. Perfect face, perfect body, perfect facade. You knew exactly what you were doing, systematically breaking me down until i was nothing more than a fragment of the girl i used to be. And now that you’re gone i’m left trying to find a girl that no longer exists. You used your looks and charm to get me, just to prove you could. You tore me apart slowly and then all at once, just to prove you could.

i feel so lost lately,
like a boat out at sea with the engine missing
and no way to get back to shore.

i used to believe that you'd guide me to safety
but you've blown the boat up and laughed.

i feel naive for trusting in you again,
and now i'm scared for you to leave,
no matter how you might hurt me.

you know this.
you know that i am yours for the taking,
and take me you have.

i don't know why
i thought
loving you
was ever a
good idea

Here I am
It's just me
No more hiding behind 'what ifs' and the people that always leave
I have lost so much with you-
     time, hope, trust, dignity
And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it back
     the late nights we've had
     the laughs
     the love
     the lies
I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason
And that I'm supposed to be learning something
But all I'm seeing is how wrong I can be
     how easily I believe lies because I like the way they sound
     how easily I lose myself in someone else
     how scared I am of losing you again (and losing myself in the   process)
I gave you so much of me that I'm not sure what'll be left when you leave

plagued in the uncertainties of new beginnings,
it's hard to know who 'we' are when you are someone different
they had promised me forever and that obviously didn't happen
but somehow this is worse,
going day to day with no affirmation
I would rather you lied just like they did

I’m trying to keep my feelings close
But now you send me the link of the song and it goes
On and on about a girl that you met -
It’s too much of a coincidence to not be about me

If it was a year ago, i would’ve been ecstatic
But now here i am, fighting the urge to run
From a man that could hold my heart too tight
And reopen all the scars
That are far too recently healed

i should’ve known from the beginning
you were waving the red flag and i’m a bull,
charging right past them
then turning around and doing it again, again, again
until one of us is hurt enough to cease the dance

you always seemed so high up and out of reach
acting like you were above everyone else
like everyone was meant to just love you
    you were like a god

I worshipped you,
gifting you my full heart
    honoring my promises,
    staying loyal,
    being there on your hard days,
    even when I was suffering
    and I asked nothing but you in return
but then you lied, lied, lied,
    all of those girls you were with
    but you had the audacity to come home to me after long days with them
    expecting me to worship you still

I seemed to had forgotten that not all gods are good
and that some require sacrifice
and for you,
it was in the form of all of me

I don’t miss you,
but I miss the way your arms felt like home

Seeing how often you minimize our relationship,
you can’t blame me for thinking us into nothing

i never used to smoke
but since you left,
it’s the only time i can seem to breathe

tell me your secret
how did you make me lose my mind so fast?
usually so steadfast in my rationale,
i saw you and logic got thrown away

how many times can i fall for the same soul
over and over, always in new bodies,
but the same nonetheless

I ask you not to lie to me as the knife is already firmly planted in my back
I know the truth, but i want to hear you say it
Tell me there’s someone else,
That you’ve been with her but still come home to me afterwards
Tell me that someone else has touched you
In the ways that i have
Tell me that you think of her
When you **** me
Tell me that you don’t love me anymore
And that you haven’t for a while now
Tell me tell me tell me

I always found so much comfort in your voice. It was the most beautiful noise I've still ever heard, and I find myself searching for it in crowded bars (even thought I know you won't be there). I miss your eyes and all the late nights we would spend in silence, just locked in our embrace with our foreheads against each others. In those moments, I felt like I could read your soul like a book. Physically and emotionally, you were beautiful and electrifying.

But this is not a love note, and you were not truly beautiful. You are a dangerous person, as your beauty was false and underneath you are incredibly ugly. Your cruelness still hurts even though we haven't spoken in months- I doubt I'll ever fully heal from you.

Out of all the ways you hurt me, it angers me the most that I still miss you some nights. I don't miss the way you mocked me for the scars on my arm, but I do miss our late nights on my porch as you told me how scared this world makes you. I don't miss the way you would bitterly laugh over me as I laid on the floor having a panic attack as you would use your infidelities as knives, but I will miss the way your arms searched for me in your sleep.

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss the person I thought you were.

I trust you,
even though you show me I shouldn't.
You hold my heart,
and you laugh as you toss it away.
"I'm yours" I tell you,
but you simply look right past me.

you've called me every name under the sun
but nothing hurt me as bad as the day you told me about her

you show up at my door for the first time in months. i see you, and it’s like you never even left. your eyes hold mine and the only way i can describe it is *******. you don’t even need to touch me for me to feel you. i hate you, you love me and i love you too, again. but you have to go, again, and i feel naked, wondering if this was finally our goodbye.