tell me
why you blame me
for being crazy
when you were the one
who made me this way
to begin with

you gave me no promises
but still I'm left disappointed

this is why I'm so careful not to catch feelings,
not to meet someone like you.

I knew I wasn't ready (I'm still not)

but now you're gone and I'm wondering
     where you are
     what you're doing
     if you've met someone better than me yet

plagued in the uncertainties of new beginnings,
it's hard to know who 'we' are when you are someone different
they had promised me forever and that obviously didn't happen
but somehow this is worse,
going day to day with no affirmation
I would rather you lied just like they did

I always found so much comfort in your voice. It was the most beautiful noise I've still ever heard, and I find myself searching for it in crowded bars (even thought I know you won't be there). I miss your eyes and all the late nights we would spend in silence, just locked in our embrace with our foreheads against each others. In those moments, I felt like I could read your soul like a book. Physically and emotionally, you were beautiful and electrifying.

But this is not a love note, and you were not truly beautiful. You are a dangerous person, as your beauty was false and underneath you are incredibly ugly. Your cruelness still hurts even though we haven't spoken in months- I doubt I'll ever fully heal from you.

Out of all the ways you hurt me, it angers me the most that I still miss you some nights. I don't miss the way you mocked me for the scars on my arm, but I do miss our late nights on my porch as you told me how scared this world makes you. I don't miss the way you would bitterly laugh over me as I laid on the floor having a panic attack as you would use your infidelities as knives, but I will miss the way your arms searched for me in your sleep.

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss the person I thought you were.