Those who are held back by depression are often viewed as 'miserable' or 'negative', but people really do not understand the fragile nature that these sufferers must face. It is an unconditionally delicate misconception, one of which that encourages society to hold such a stereotypical perception it can ultimately tip the scales and cause unfaltering chaos on the body, the mind and the soul. We are left to pick up the pieces of ourselves from the stone-like words that people throw at us, the icy glances when they see that we're trying to hold back stale tears that we were unable to release the night before and instead faced a daunting and relentless course of insomnia, the cold shoulder when we are desperate to breathe and release the demons that cloud our heads and our judgements in order to feel free again. It is unnerving to think that we must wander through life as shadows whilst others dance in the carefree sunlight of their ignorance. They are blinded by the sun rays of misunderstanding or lack of interest, they are educated but do not put their knowledge and understanding to the test and instead flee when the school bell of fear and commitment resonates through the hallowed halls of our hearts, our arteries, veins, capillaries, blood cells.
It is a tragic and petrifying truth, one of which breaks me a little more inside as each day passes.
I wrote this as a means of release and venting. Things have been so shaky recently: the wrong pills, stress, fear, worry, anxiety, it has taken its toll on so many important things in my life. Things are looking up though, I am on new pills, there is counselling available for me at College and I don't know, I am just aiming for the highest possible outcome of optimism. I want to save my relationship, because he didn't deserve to go through my emotional chaos. It is unfair and I wish every single day that I could fix it. But space and thought is necessary and I know it will ease the pain for both of us. And even if things don't go the way we anticipated, I will always love him, because three years of friendship with an awesome guy means the world to me. I'm ready for the stones, the set-backs, the lengthy process of potential dosage changes and repetitive chit-chat about how I feel, but if it helps to expel all of the negativity that has haunted my life, then I am ready. I'm stronger than what I have convinced myself to believe, and now more than ever I am in tune and ready to get started.