This morning my therapist called and asked,
“So, did you think about killing yourself today?” and I said
So he naturally proceeded to ask if I felt better today,
and I said “yes.” Right then I could almost feel his elation over the phone as though he were a child and I were telling him about the new puppy I’m gifting him because this
was the first time in five months I hadn’t
wanted to k1ll myself.
What I wanted to tell him was,
“Yes, Danny, I did think about killing myself today,
I think about it everyday,
I never stop thinking about it- it’s not always the upfront thought and I let it slip to the back of my mind like the ******* ‘Go Compare’ adverts and if I think about it long enough the guy with the obnoxious moustache sings to me all day about car insurance, my thoughts are quite like that- infuriating head peckers- I thought we went over this?
But I didn’t act upon them today because,
indecisiveness and fear entered my
paralysed state of mind and showed me my father weeping over a comatosed body that looked awfully like mine.
I walked back and to from the drawer I keep my suicide drugs to the door, I did this until my feet felt like cinderblocks, I did this for three hours.
I stuck my hand in boiling syrup,
I left it until it stuck and blisters formed and I ate stale pancakes that had loitered in my room for best part of three weeks until I puked.
But I didn’t k1ll myself.
Instead, I lay in coffee stained bed and I promise I’ll change it when the ball and chain allow my legs the movement on their slow release,
I’ll change it when my depression stops telling me she doesn’t like clean things.
I’ll do it when she stops telling me she’s cold without me- ‘it’s cold out there, it’s scary out there, look how comfy it is here, get back into bed.’
I haven’t showered in five days,
I haven’t eaten in seven,
I’ve etched the Friends theme song into my head from countless re runs when I breakdown and I feel my bones rusting and cracking,
But I didn’t k1ll my self today.”
Instead, I said.
“Today, was a good day for me.”
A phone conversation with my therapist. What I wish I had said