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Siobhan Gray May 2020
This morning my therapist called and asked,
“So, did you think about killing yourself today?” and I said
So he naturally proceeded to ask if I felt better today,
and I said “yes.” Right then I could almost feel his elation over the phone  as though he were a child and I were telling him about the new puppy I’m gifting him because this
was the first time in five months I hadn’t
wanted to k1ll myself.

What I wanted to tell him was,
“Yes, Danny, I did think about killing myself today,
I think about it everyday,
I never stop thinking about it- it’s not always the upfront thought and I let it slip to the back of my mind like the ******* ‘Go Compare’ adverts and if I think about it long enough the guy with the obnoxious moustache sings to me all day about car insurance, my thoughts are quite like that- infuriating head peckers- I thought we went over this?
But I didn’t act upon them today because,
indecisiveness and fear entered my
paralysed state of mind and showed me my father weeping over a comatosed body that looked awfully like mine.
I walked back and to from the drawer I keep my suicide drugs to the door, I did this until my feet felt like cinderblocks, I did this for three hours.
I stuck my hand in boiling syrup,
I left it until it stuck and blisters formed and I ate stale pancakes that had loitered in my room for best part of three weeks until I puked.
But I didn’t k1ll myself.
Instead, I lay in coffee stained bed and I promise I’ll change it when the ball and chain allow my legs the movement on their slow release,
I’ll change it when my depression stops telling me she doesn’t like clean things.
I’ll do it when she stops telling me she’s cold without me- ‘it’s cold out there, it’s scary out there, look how comfy it is here, get back into bed.’
I haven’t showered in five days,
I haven’t eaten in seven,
I’ve etched the Friends theme song into my head from countless re runs when I breakdown and I feel my bones rusting and cracking,
But I didn’t k1ll my self today.”

Instead, I said.
“Today, was a good day for me.”
A phone conversation with my therapist. What I wish I had said
Siobhan Gray Sep 2019
You can feel a lot
when lay confined and doped up.
Drowning out all noise in-
shallow waters,
when it's just you and the music.
fantasising through the irrational-
peering between stained glass with the illusion
the clouds are tormenting me,
their capability of freedom.
No path to follow like I
nothing makes their meaning insignificant nor-
going unnoticed as admired they always shall be,
not like I who chains themselves to any shred of-
the light.

that melancholy feeling is voided,
trying to find my value is only compared to find-
the echo of a penny drop in a dark abyss,
more than likely useless and perilous.
My relevance is drawing out-
the glowing exit sign is beckoning me to leave.
Time shall tell my course,
but I feel the eternal time reining in.
Siobhan Gray Apr 2019
All I could have come to comprehend about you,
ignorantly unaware lay on the top step
I'd be shattered by your demise.
my seemingly apparent sheltered life in what
I had found comfort in,
masked like a stone in the bed of a ravine.
living only through bliss
blend in amongst others until

I found myself in a void
suddenly an internal search commenced
when the words from mouths of babes cried
'he's gone'.
fighting for value
in what could only compare to a game
in the blind mans eye.

Oblivious to my wide eyed mind
unknowing home was where you lay
with us,
until home became the numbers game
and I counted the days to its farewell.
As others may mourn-
I continue to live through fondness,
solace that you remain
remembering me through grief and tears
in a mind which is unrecognisable to most,
but when my hand touches yours,
you're home.

Years passed,
time will continue to tick and
the memory of me
shall depart from a soft grip,
and still shallow minds will grieve.
though I keep hold of all I know now
and you remain unchanged.
with a cup of tea and a lasting memory,
you were never just a story.
i miss you
2 years
Siobhan Gray Mar 2019
the distasteful gaze
somewhat sets love aglow.
Without the warmth of you-
words of passion lose everything
they once were.
I leer at blank pages,
and your face
I couldn’t write for another.
Your eyes hold them million words
in which meaning is blissfully restored,
but how I wish you weren’t love.
Siobhan Gray Mar 2019
I sleep in the nirvana of your arms
unknowing of what this may be
or what may come
I just want to lay in serenity,
in the never ending time.
Siobhan Gray Mar 2019
Who are the demons?
not those under our beds,
our closets-
not those we fear as juveniles.

The ones when we come of age
roaming through our lives.
the knives withheld in my back,
draining with the love you once had bestowed.

who shall remain unnamed,
like an unfinished fragment in my mind.
yet still the demon I remember.
Siobhan Gray Jan 2019
I lost you today,
like an old song
that I can't quite remember the name-
you shall be that evermore,
white noise,
a distant melody.
A memory-
just that.
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