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Siobhan A May 2014
It's a good thing I deleted your number
Or I'd be calling you tonight.
Crying about how much I love you even though I never really liked you
Crying about how you kind of completed who I am
But not ever in a good way
It doesn't matter though all those things I know..
Because I love you and I can't stop.
Siobhan A Sep 2013
We would have tried,
Would we have failed?

Is it to naive to believe we'd have had a happy ending?
What's so hard to grasp about the fairy tail stories?

We would have laughed we could have laughed
but the happy endings aren't for us

Our story keeps dragging on and on
Life keeps scratching at our toes, never letting us rest

sleep is a part of the dream world we can't have
insomnia comes, shared by two people in separate rooms

we were always too naive
but I'll keep believing in a happier ending
Siobhan A Sep 2013
The things you find when you leave your husband, are not the things you think you'll find.
A missing earring, a couple of quarters, a dime, a nickel and three pennies all stuck behind the makeup.
Those are the things you're happy to see. Those are the safe things. The things that make you think, "oh, well it's a good thing I'm finally cleaning out this cupboard." But then, then you stop. Because you aren't just cleaning up. It's not spring, this isn't a cleaning rampage. This is packing.
This is leaving.
This is the hardest thing you've ever had to do and no one is there for you.
This isn't anyone else's battle to fight.
It's a long time coming, 6 years of tears. 6 years of laughing.
it's the laughing that made you stay.
All the conversations about being so unhappy. All the friends who have said
"Well, if he really makes you that unhappy why don't you leave?"
As if the difference between happy and unhappy is as easy as I want it to be.
Like hopscotch.

Because what if it's all true?
What if the reason you're unhappy is because you are
"An embarrassment as a wife?
Who can't cook.
Who can't clean.
Who dropped out of school.
Who barely has a job.
You're embarrassed 'cause I'm yelling? How do you think I feel?"

If all that is true then leaving won't make you happy.
Leaving isn't going to change anything but your address, marital status and financial situation.
Leaving won't solve the problem, staying will.
Staying, there's no way in hell you're staying. You might have a snowballs chance out there but in here you're already dead.
Slowly every time you remember it isn't true.
I can cook, pasta, casserole, chocolate chip cookies and stir fry.
I make bacon and eggs, pancakes and waffles, coffee and cigarettes.
I can clean, vacuum the house, throw all the q-tips away that are left on the counter, pick up dishes that are not mine all over the house, but if not wanting to be a maid means failure I'll take it.
I'm going back to school, I'm not a good student, college is scary but I'm tackling those demons.
I have a job, I'm a nanny, I'm helping raise someone else's kid because I think that's worth while.
I am not embarrassed by myself. I like who I am.
YOU cannot take that away from me.
So I'm going to leave, for fear of more scars and just because the scars don't show doesn't mean they aren't there.
Because the things you find when you leave aren't found in the make-up cupboard.
Siobhan A Aug 2013
I'm so good at ignoring my problems
that when I start drowning
I pretend I don't need to breathe
.
Siobhan A Aug 2013
No. I won't remember your face.
No. You won't remember my name.
No. It wasn't fate that brought us together.
But in that one moment we jump and survived.
And it's all worth remembering.
Siobhan A Jun 2013
Just another look, it won't hurt
Just another taste, it won't **** you
Just one more time.

But it hurts
And it poisons my soul
An it turns into twenty more times.

Just don't look, it'll be a dull ache before long
Just don't eat it, you're not a glutton for punishment.
Just forget...

Until the next time.
Siobhan A Jun 2013
I feel it come upon me
The tightening of my chest
How it ceases to rise and fall
As I slowly remember thing that needs to be forgotten

But your memory clings tight to my spine
Chilling me to the bone
My skin reacting to the ghost of your fingers indent
The feeling of your lips on my neck, my ears, my lips
Worst of all your body calling out to mine to be closer

And then slowly again I can breath
It takes awhile but I shove the memories back down where they can suffer again in the dark
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