I wish I was a better poet.
One who could find words easily.
Even hard words that are
strong yet tender.
Words that can say just
how much I feel about you my love.
Yet you are careful
with your words of love.
Passing them to me sparingly
like precious diamonds.
While I pour out my hearts tenderness
Like a waterfall to you.
I want to close my eyes
and remember you when you looked
at me with sweetness and need.
Now all I see is endings.
In reflection I think I gave you
Every heartbeat I have.
And you gave me just a couple
of yours in return.

Alas, I am only moments away
Be quick and painless should you be    
Coward I may be but sweet
Departure will set me free

Evergreen my soul shall remain
Forgotten my name so let it befall
Go my shadows and run free
Hurt I shall no longer feel

Iapetus bids me farewell
Janus takes my hand
Keres caroled hymns of a psyche finally joining the band
Loving the way that fate has been cruel

My steps begin to falter as
Nostalgia suddenly embraces me
Once more I am at the cross roads
Played by to suffer forever I will be

Quest of mine, I failed you
Reaching for eternal bliss
Seduced to cut loose
To be far away from my own inferno

Understood my reasons will never be
Vain your pleas will become
Walls of Jericho crumbled down as did my spirit
Xenophobic our world has turned out

Young and carefree cease to exist
Zealotry towards living shall soon come to pass

New York rainbow

*As a little girl he sat next to me at school.
I always liked him,  no, much more than that.
Later we walked home together.
He would carry my books.
At graduation he was my date.
We even went to college together.
We broke the chains of friendship and he became my lover.
My first and only love.
We married young it was no surprise
to our parents they were expecting it.
Before I knew it we had three kids, two girls and a boy.
Our son looks just like him.
It was just like any other day.
He came home from work.
Cooked burgers on the barbeque.
We got the kids to bed.
drank a glass of wine then went to bed at ten.
He wanted to make love but I was exhausted.
The kids had been terrors all day.
The next day he kissed me goodbye with a see you later honey.
I got a call from my friend she said put on the TV.
I saw the towers fall turning to ashes.
Like my life did that moment.
All I could think was I wish I had made love to him last night.

September 11 2015

The children are all grown up now
He would be so proud of them.
I look at my strong handsome son.
He looks like him exactly
We stand at ground zero and say a prayer.
I whisper it was always you honey.
Only you.
As if by magic he answered me
A giant beautiful rainbow
circled over New York
and I know it was for me.

When I was just a little boy
I remember hurting myself.
I fell off my bike
And got seven stitches.
That hurt.

When I was older
I had a car accident
I broke both my legs.
I Was in hospital
for weeks.
That really hurt.

Then just this week.
You left me.
The house is empty
My heart is broken.
I now think the other hurts
Were just teaching me
How to suffer though
this one.
This hurts
beyond anything.

When I was born
I was such a pretty little girl.
I remember I was covered
From head to toe in tiny lights.
Thousands of them.
So pretty I shone.
Like an illuminated
Christmas tree.
Then as I became older.
I learned how to lie.
Mom I have done my work.
A light went out.
Mom there won’t be any alcohol there.
A group of lights faded.
Mom I did not sleep with him.
A whole branch darkened.
It’s OK Dad I will never do drugs.
The lights all dimmed.
Now I am older.
I walk the rainy city streets
In the night.
I see my jaded reflection
gaunt and sad in the mirrors
of the shop windows.
All my pretty lights
have extinguished.
Except if you look closely just a few
Are Still trying to glimmer
Against all possible odds.
Even after all my self harm.
They are around my heart.

Saying goodbye is never painless.
But today closing up her old house.
Where I spent my childhood so long ago.
It is dragging me into the doldrums.
Each room full of her sweet life.
I find her books her souvenir box.
Locks of her children’s hair.
Christening medals.
I go into my boyhood bedroom
For the last time.
It still contains my magazines
and a book I read as a child.
The box in mom’s room is
full of her clothes.
Ready for the Goodwill.
Then I packed the last of the
old familiar dishes in the kichen.
Solid stoneware that carried
my sustenance for all my younger life.
In the back of the cupboard
Moms china cup and saucer
With English roses on it.
The one she used to  
drink her morning
tea in all of her life.
On the rim a single tea leaf remained.
That had once touched her lips.
That was when the grief hit me
Like never before.

They said she was easy.
But I did not see that.
I loved her I know I did.
At fourteen she was more
of a woman than a girl.
I was fourteen too
My eyes were in awe of her.
The other girls in class
we’re jealous of her beautiful
body now moving to womanhood.
Far faster than theirs were.
Boys in the school looked at her
making up lies about her.
Laughing in knowing fantasy.
At sixteen I was still in love with her
She was now sleeping around.
Using her body like a credit card
to buy all she wanted.
She gave pieces of herself
But never her heart
to boys eager to take them.
At twenty she was jaded and hard.
Unable to see the truth of herself.
That she was beautiful and worthy
of being admired for who she is
Not for the hurt and bruises
of grasping hands.
I was still in love with her.
And asked her out.
But she refused putting me
In the pile of  males
That had damaged her
So badly
over her childhood.
But I was still in love with her.

I wish that I
was filled with stars
intricate, intimate arrays
to guide me to the edge
of myself and beyond

my soul
the brightest
in a unique constellation
of my naming

my love
many-hued nebula
expanding
to fill the void

my losses
supernovas
both beautiful
and tragic

But I am not
celestial
earth-bound
I must navigate

by stroke of skin
whiff of memory
trace of sadness
night vision

rudimentary compasses
in a sea of misunderstanding.

you can't explain to someone how it's always raining
you know how hard it's poured for the last year
only you know how many times you've fallen and the water is ankle deep
don't you dare try to explain to someone who is only sunshine that you're drowning
the water is everywhere and they never knew you didn't know how to swim
don't bother telling them
they couldn't ever understand
people keep telling you to stand up they repeat it over again and again
stand up they say it's not that deep
but only you know how the water has built up inside you and only a cut can relieve the pressure
but you're five months clean and you just have to battle the ocean waves which are stronger than you
one day you might be stronger than the raging waves but as of tonight you are not
so I'd learn how to swim if I were you