this time last year,
we went to rhema and you kissed me under the gazebo
and asked if i wanted to get back together

now i'm sitting in my room
wondering if you remember
the night i met your dad for the first time
and your sister told me i was adorable
wondering if you remember
holding my heart in your hands
and throwing it on the ground
telling me
*maybe this isn't working out

"You and me were always with each other before we knew the other was ever there."

if i could use
the stars to show my
love for you,
the entire night sky
would not be vast enough
of a canvas.

please stop romancing cutting,
depression, eating disorders,
anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
those things are not beautiful.

it is not beautiful waking up
every morning wishing you
weren't here.

it is not beautiful having to wear
long sleeves in the summer to
cover up the scars on your arms.

it is not beautiful throwing up
in the toilet just so you don't
gain another pound.

it is not beautiful missing school
for a month just because you
couldn't drag yourself out of bed
to see daylight.

but you can be beautiful with
cuts and scars all over your body.

and you can be beautiful even though
you aren't too happy about your weight.

oh, and you're still beautiful if you haven't
socialized with people for a couple weeks.

and you're still beautiful even though you
blew out your 16th birthday candles wishing
you were dead.

you're beautiful, but the things that you have done to
your body aren't.

I always thought that I knew who I was and the woman I ought to be. Lately, I'm really not so sure anymore. Actually, I'm not sure of much of anything anymore. Life is weird and always changing. The only constant thing is the sky. We can always look up. The stars will always twinkle. The sun will always shine. The moon will always be a mystery. I think I was so set on a certain version of "myself" that it caused me to lose myself. I was so focused on pleasing those around me that I forgot to ask myself what it wanted.

The concept of time is weird. One minute you're fifteen and you think you know what the world is all about, but it turns out you don't. The next minute you're nineteen and trying to figure out what the hell to do with your life and how to do this "adult" thing.

Song: This Charming Man by The Smiths

I've tried, I really have, to wrap my mind around you and who it is you are, but I really can't seem to. I've never met another person of your kind, your build, your persona. You've endured so much pain in your life so far but yet you still have your own strange personal sense of hope and I don't think anything is more beautiful. The way you make me feel like I've known you all my life, is simply unreal. You understand me better than the people I've been around for years, how do you do that? I tore the walls down for you, the walls that I usually hold up so high. I just had a feeling about you and that feeling has proven to be, right. I've always been told to go with your gut feeling. The words you speak have such a flow to them that I think I could spend an entire day listening to you talk. Your stories are fascinating and the way you put your sentences together are so delicate, but still hit hard. The amount of wisdom I can decipher through your words is unreal. You're so beyond your time. You're so honest with your emotion, you let yourself be vulnerable and you don't even care. It's impossible to not appreciate a person who lets their flaws and true emotions be visible. Now that you are a daily part of my day, it's much different...but the best feeling of different I've ever experienced.

*One day, you will be the strongest and smartest man alive. I promise.