You’re my hardest hello
because I know no matter how
sweet our meeting
it always ends in a
tragic goodbye

I know
when they say history repeats itself
it is true
because history repeats itself
whenever I am with you

I stumble on your words
then fall for your kiss
laying in your arms – that’s when I feel bliss

but just like clock work
as the time winds on
you walk away
I am left with my heart in my throat
and tears in my eyes
despite the fact that I’ve already
heard all your melodious lies

You tell me
“maybe we will find each other
when we are both ready for
something serious”
you whisper
“I love you, only you, but
I cant
be with
you
right
now”

But if not now
and not then
then when?

On a beach shore
just you and I,
looking out on the horizon.

I can feel the salty warm
air brush my against my checks and
wrap its self around us
like a blanket.

The waves lap against the
sand, creating a soothing sound
and your hand is comfortably intertwined in mine.  
It is the only thing that keeps me
from immersing myself in the beautiful
crystal clear water beckoning me to
take refuge within its waves.

Slowly,
gently,
you guide me down the beach.
Our feet sinking in the sand with each
step, but we don’t stop, despite
the breath taking beauty
before us.
We know are on the journey;
together.

I feel so small, surrounded by something
as vast and glorious as the sea, so many
mysteries lay at its depths, but your smile
makes my thoughts and worries disappear, your strength
gives me strength, and
for the first time in a long time
regardless of uncertainty
I feel safe.

Your kiss meets my lips, and I feel so alive,
so happy, and at peace with the world.
I think of nothing more then standing there
and being held by you, in a place made for
just the two of us.
Nothing else seems to exist but
you and I and
the seashore on which we stand.

As you open your mouth to speak I'm suddenly
awoken by the eerie silence of night.
The darkness brings me to tears.
I wish for nothing more then to fall back to sleep,
To reenter that moment when nothing was wrong.
When I was so happy,
when I was with you.

today marks your twenty second birthday,
the day right before my own

last year
after I turned twenty one
I went back to my apartment and cried all night
because it was the first time I was ever a year older than you
because you will forever be time capsuled
six feet under ground
at twenty years young

the night you died
I missed the phone call from our mutual bestfriend
and in the morning I woke up in disbelief;
finally got a hold of your brother;
found out what really happened;
and that you were really gone

I sat in contemplative silence for a long time in your honor
or maybe it was in anger
I can't exactly remember...

All I know is
I hope you cursed yourself when you realized what you did
your body going limp
a final hushed exhale
escaping from your motionless lips
are moments I try not to recreate in my mind
but for the first few months
every time I closed my eyes  
all I could envision were
your emerald green ones
going dim

your mother;
fine china shattering on the floor -
tiny perfect pieces of herself, forever scattered in disarray
I promise you she is still stepping on your pieces
shards of who you once were scaring her daily  

the truth is
I know you never meant to cause damage
but breaking is what happens
when so much is left up for subjective interpretation
and brutal speculation

on the day of your funeral
when the pastor said your name
I thought about laughing out loud, because
you certainly would have;
you would have been the first to crack a joke
at the seriousness of it all
but somehow knowing that
couldn't pull me out of the lament
I was drowning in

as I said my final goodbyes I could hardly breathe
the oxygen, thick in its lack of substance,
was a density unlike any other

I looked down upon your face
no longer looking quite like the one
I remember you wearing
while you still walked among the living

a note from our high school years
found in a keepsake box under your bed
made its way from my cold damp hands into your dry stiff ones
I pushed it gently into the open space in between your fingers and palm  
and I touched your arm, as if somehow
this gesture could comfort you
and let you know I still loved you
just as much as I always have

walking away from your casket
I remembered the one time we got high before Sunday mass
I thought maybe this
was God playing a joke on us
I thought perhaps this was some type of
divine and perverted revenge

most days I miss you without trying
but honestly, there are also days
where I don't think about you at all
those are the times everything feels normal
and I can almost be convinced
that as soon as I am back in New York we will
be driving around town listening to Dave Matthews,
drinking beers around a bonfire,
and having full conversations through a single glance

except the instant my mind catches my heart
pretending that you are just a phone call away
I am forced to
silently surrender to the reality that;

tomorrow is December 9th
and there we be singing
and cake
and candles
and alcohol
and gifts
and life
for the girl
wearing a counterfeit smile

while today
all we there was
was a melancholy remembrance
of the existence
of a boy
who died too soon

there is a surge of electric energy
coursing through his veins,
it shocks you when he kisses you
but, my God, its worth the pain.

there is a madness in his soul
that takes your breath away
a madness that drives you wild
and somehow makes you want to stay

there is a lifetime of love stories
in each and every gaze
making you lose yourself in his eyes
as if you were in a beautiful elaborate maze

every part of him
has changed every part of you
and all your left wondering is

does he feel this way too