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Shila Feb 1
we talked last month
we talked last week
we talked last night
we talked this morning
we are still talking now
what are we doing?
no, what am I doing?
I've been telling myself
I don't wanna talk with you anymore
we should not talk
cut all connection
but why are we still talking
like nothing happens
we are getting cosy
we are getting closer
we are getting so comfy
this is not cool, man
little did you know
you're killing my heart
each time
I keep talking to my crush while battling against my own feelings towards him...
Shila Jan 18
this game of pretends
it's funny
to see
to watch how
I let myself
dying from
denying my heart
for you
when it is into you
so deep
pretending to be fine around your crush
Shila Jan 16
just like mantras

these words
swam into my mind
slithered through like a basilisk
what a spellbound

did I listen?
did I hear?
did I absorb?

gotta heart
this art of losing hope
giving up

getting on
stronger or
than yesterday

tread my walk
I abandoned this thought
not looking back

for all I know
I'll never be done for
I don't know how to explain this poem. One day I decide to give up everything in life, and on the next day, I'm totally fine, like nothing had ever happened.
Shila Jan 12
I'm done
no, not yet
I'll be done
maybe tomorrow
or would it be soon?
I will someday
it's hard to let go
just let me cuddle
with these feelings of mine
the feelings of being in love
with you
til then
I won't be okay
when you could not decide if you want to move on or not from a heartbreak
Shila Jan 11
I loved how you waved upon me
Called me to embrace the nature
Led me to different world of death
I loved how you wrapped yourself around my body
Whispered through the inches of my skin
Assured me
"You'll be okay, darling" you said
I cuddled into the warmth of the deep blue sea
Instead of coldness
I reached out my hands
And you welcomed me gently
Alas, it was just a dream
I woke up hoping to meet you again
This was based on one of the dreams I had one night. In that dream, I was running from everyone until I reached the shore of beaches. There were cliffs, the water was so blue, the waves were so high. I believed it was Cliff of Moher, the place I wanted to go in real life. It that dream, I don't wanna be found, but I wanna be found.
Shila Jan 11
what is this warm thing
just like a river
flowing through my cheek
streaming down my chin
why does my heart beats so fast
yet the world feels slow
my chest hurts
a lot
am I going to die?
is this my end?
is this the pain of heartbreak?
One of the earliest poems I've written some times ago. I couldn't remember exactly the details, but at that time I was crying really hard due to the confusion I was having. I decided to confess my feelings to my crush, but in the end, I didn't.
Shila Jan 11
She hears nothing
She sees nothing
Just a very dark place

Come here
The voice calls
It's happiness
She flies toward it, with light feelings, while smiling but-

Come here
Another voice calls
It's loneliness
She stops midway
"I'll be right back", she tells happiness
She goes to loneliness with wide arms opened
She was nearly embraced loneliness when

Come here
She hears another voice calling her
It's sadness
She stops.
"Sadness needs me", she whispers to loneliness
And she steps towards sadness
Loneliness tries to hold on her, but she didn't see it

Can you come here?
One more voice calls
She stops again, looking for the voice
It's confusion
She becomes baffled
She wonders whether sadness will be fine
If she goes to confusion now

No, don't!
Come here instead!
One more voice calls!
She turns and look at anger.
She looks at confusion and then anger
What is she supposed to do now?

Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!

Emptiness, happiness, loneliness, sadness, confusion, and anger call her
At the same time
She keeps running and running
In circle
Meets no end
Everytime she reaches the borderline, she runs towards different directions
She keeps running

And she hears one more voice

You don't belong anywhere
Finally, frustration says it
She fell down in despair

Come here
She feels cold fingers around her shoulders
She looks up
There stands the death
Giving her the dullest stares
And creepiest smile
My psychiatrist diagnosed me from borderline personality disorder (BPD), and I've always have thought it was bipolar disorder. She explained to me that these both disorders are totally different.

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