I may be one of the most confused people who have ever lived or either the biggest fool. Whichever it is: I guess it doesn't matter.

I lay with my head in his lap as he played with my hair. He smiled that wonderful smile he did and ran his hand across my forehead. His voice was like some silken material rubbing against itself and so I sighed at the softness of it. I didn't know what magic he used or if he did at all but I couldn't shake it and I hated my weakness. He spoke and at first I didn't hear a word. My mind had wandered to the point of his goodbye. It would be soon as all he did anymore was drop by to say hello. What was the point anyway?

"You are beautiful." he spoke in my ear and I smiled. The sugary sweetness of his words dripped into my ear and down into my soul. This is why I hated him sometimes. This is why my heart ached so. He would speak such beauty to me and how special I was and then he would leave me. He said he did not lie to me but his actions were so inconsistent.

I rose up from his lap and just stared at him. I couldn't take my eyes from his and I felt the tear threatening to come. I know he hated it when I was sad but I was just so sad lately and no, I still had not found that light he wished for me to find. The light that was here in front of me was just so bright that I saw no other.

"Why do you speak those things to me and then stay away for so long?" I allowed him to take from my eyes the truth of my doubt. Yes, I doubted because no one had every told me the genuine truth. No one that I could remember. I had found that all others before him were liars. It was almost as if I wanted him to be a liar so I could find it before it found me, so I could fix me before I ******* up as I always did....so I could go away before I was rejected.

He sighed and I could see he was about to reprimand me again. "You know I have to leave, and as a matter of fact...I have to be going." He reached out and caressed my cheek smiling.

My shoulders dropped and I nodded. "Yes, of course." I dropped my head as well to hide my hurting.

"Hey, you're the best you know." He reached out to hug me and I allowed it as I always do. I hated the hold he had on me.

whenever he is gone, I think of all the things I want to say. I think of all the angry accusations I want to throw at him to quell my hurting. But everytime he says hello, I just can't do it. And even as I try to walk away, I hear his voice in my ear, and his touch on the wind. He is just a man, a man like any other so why do I feel this way?

She sang a song so lovely,
it rang thru time and space.
She sang a song of nothing
and then caressed my face.

Her heart was torn in peices
but she sang her song to me.
I saw the smile of torment
and longed to set her free.

I could not be the one
to bring her peace it seemed,
for all the love in heaven
could never fill the dream.

She sang of pain and lonliness.
She sang to me all night long.
She ran her fingers thru my hair
and gave to me her song.

So when I leave I think of her
residing in my mind.
I feel her touch so tenderly
her voice I will rewind.

Her song it stays forever
inside the hell I feel.
I hear her sing of heaven
and I believe it's real.

my pleasure would lead me away
from that which had drove itself deep
of that which has anchored its home
and that which has claimed me as thine

my heart would tell me to follow
and its beautiful lies pulled me on
and the words , the riddles did soothe
the flesh that still clung to my bones

I tried to find pleasure in others
to minus the fool that I have become
to dull the pain which loving you brings
to soothe away that which is wrong

i find comfort in song
as it dwindles down low
into the night
of dispair
the touch of you hair
between my fingers
the torturous lie
i choose to believe
may more of a pain
than a cure.

It's unbearable claws
neverending dispair
a pain you would know
like blood in the snow
like rain on hot skin
the line was drawn thin
between sanity and then
the mind with its sin
a caged feral beast
is my love at least
the morning I dread
so I won't go to bed
and I will wait with the night
in the veneer of this lie
until morning light
fightning sleep
until dawn
on my breast
I yawn
then I
weep
unkowingly,
fighting sleep

Do not wake me again
no wishes, i have to repair this
You cannot fix me, nor bind my wounds
I am broken...forever
I am all that you fear
dispair, hopelessness, hate
fear, cold, lonliness
Do not wake me again
I have dug my hole
wide and deep and hungry
I will satisfy  its desires
no hope, no life, no wants
no needs, no joy, nothing
Do not wake me again
I do not wish to hear the birds
I do not wish to smell the air
it is rancid in its dread
As I lay my head upon the pillow again
I smile with contentment
yes, I had rather be dead.

In the old back woods

we watched him lay to see

his soul before the world

in this captivity.

In the old back woods

he spoke a language be

in mumblings incoherent

to be as he should be.

A rag, a bone and hair

he shrank two sizes, three

and scampered underneath

the leaves among the tree.

His eyes so beady blackened

he still could stare at me

and he led his army onward

to make the putrid flee.

A tail so long and mangy

flipped two and fro in glee as

he motioned for his cousins

to chant the words of we…

in order to be free.

I spoke to the bottle
and it spoke back
I smiled and i laughed
and gave it a smack

Too silly to care
if I knew what to do
cuz all I could think of
was talking to you

Alone in the night
bout to fall from my chair
I heard your voice
turned, and you were not there

I looked around slowly
in fear of your ghost
to see you again dear
I dreaded the most

Not cuz i dont love you
or cuz i dont feel
it's just that the phantom
would cease to be real

And if you did come now
I guess I could cope
and dwell in the morning
with residual hope

I am full of poison
and spirits consume me
my mind is a blur now
and yet I'm not free

so leave me to deal with
my anger and pride
as I drink myself stupid
and enjoy the ride

If sadness hasn't reached me
then will my pen relate?
If darkness has not taught me
those silly things of fate,
and your hand has been absent
and my flesh has grown cold.
Will make believe continue
the love that has grown old ?
If blood has stopped its travel
and lips have ceased to speak,
Will you then still remember
the babble of the weak?
Will you still remember
that I have craved you so
Or will you walk the road
that my love will not go?

I tried in vain to fill the void with pretty things as these
but my darkness lingers  beyond those old pine trees
my darkness, it does gather within the southern night
and brings to me my heartache within the moons light
I tried in vain to smile my love, and give you pure emotion
but some  of my virginity was lost in that cold ocean
I tried to write a happy song, but sadness got so mad
it said "you are the best friend that hoplessness has had"
I wandered far and near in time, but time was just so cruel
i listened to the silly speach , the constant mindless druel
I am sorry, I cannot be bright and offer cheerful glee
I am tainted torn and bruised, so what you get is me
the dark, it claimed me long ago , so good luck in your quest
If you bring me brightness babe, then I  agree...you are the best.

It plays over and over inside my head
a tune it directs and composes
closing my eyes, with poison in vein
feeling the words he discloses
The fruit swells and ruptures into me
I feel it enter then leave
grabs my wrist pulling me free
filling me up as I breathe
A smile, a tear and a fight until dawn
convulsions as pain spews forth heart
trembling and shaking and feeling you
and this is just where we would start
It says to my heart
"Shhh...let me speak. I have much to say"
--the thing within calms and it soothes me
"I will eat it, and take it, oh take it away
"then for a while..you will see
colapsing onto reality
I search for a reason for this
the rthym it falls onto my ears
I beg for the muse and his kiss
I feel the tingle on my lips
of one who was near
another tear falls
cementing my fear
....
I hear it cry with new sight
I feel its warmth oh so near
something was spoken
at birth in my ear
drawing me, bringing
keeping me here

It is written.

I beg to be lifted,taken and quieted
pleading for mercy of darkness
waking with dread standing near to my head
waiting patiently there for death's kiss
there is no peace nor bliss
Each day that passes drives deeper the blade
in this mess of a life, in my bed I have laid
this emotional mess, won't deny that I made
I beg to be finished,ended and quit
screaming in silence so loud
I walk, catatonic, the hell is harmonic
and wouldn't my daddy be proud
You've done all these things that a woman should do
and oh, did I mention, I am so proud of you
just remember those sermons that always rang true.

hell awaits those who end their own life
just grit your teeth girl, and be a good wife.

I wake one more morning tight gripping that knife

oh, defeat that she will give

past the time she wasted, live

yet,  the tears did drown the sive

but, she still tried to catch them.

Oh, she was the best to please

to all of them and all of these

make behave and make believes

but never did she give it

heart cave in so as  is we

drama filled as I may be

yet so true that you don’t see

what she felt,  she owned it.

needed and yet seperated

the baby cried and so  frustrated

cried. oh woe, for woe is traded

is she.* wipes eyes* yet, undone?

She wandered here and yet she knew

and wandered there and never true

until she found her heart in you

peace and yet her heart is void.

heart felt empty still unknown

Those accusations made alone

wrapped around the rag and bone

choked her half to hell and back

fame her weakness made her limber

finding in herself the member

she hated that she could remember

heart so dark. She held it near.

resented  the betrayal lept

into flames burned all except

someone she admired and kept

in his darkened ego.

she felt it and the  desperate plee

to understand the ways, and the

reasons for her groveling plee

sit within her loss and cried

Of the dwindling pride did  stir

it made the hate well up in her

make believe and then did stir

fear of invisible nothings.

Oh, but words, her only friend

took hold her hand with hungry pen

another world so deep within

made a better her for her

pulling threads that surely scar

bound and stitched her hurt by far

like the strings on a guitar

pulled so close she was them

wounds o wounds with scars that drip

from her eyes I took a sip

with my hand i traced the rip

that made her smile again.

I have to go, you know
and with my last breath
I blow, my love tho I
am to blame for this game
you played me well but
I won't kiss and tell
Just a silly notion anyways
No-one like you ever stays
and tho you may not understand
the tears upon my hand
and tho you may not have loved me
a good man, in my eyes you will be
you are still setting me free.
I have to do this
I have to go
and my love's been
wasted so
I will remember
those words from you
and I will imagine
each one was true
And its okay
I have a plan
I have no need
for any man
I have no need
for silly words
and all the lies
have been absurd
I wont let them do it
oh no not me
no other man
can set me free
and this is how
it shall be
You dont know me
and this is why you flee
-----
let me help you with that door.

Your pain, I taste it on my tongue and roll it around in my mouth
mixing it with my own agony to create a sweetness
that is simply unfathomable.
You join me in  the night and listen to my giggles
cackling and breathless playing
As the southern breeze passses over my thighs
you feel it upon your hand, a gentle caresss
I gasp, and realize that you are with me
Turning to and fro flitting between the trees
My eyes are wide, I feel you here.
Weaving between the borders of evergreen
grasping the limbs and pushing them aside.
My heart races and I catch a glimpse of something
then it is gone

I wonder what your words mean
when spoken softly to me
I wonder if you hide away
your feelings for today
I sit in darkness waiting
yes, I wait for you it seems
to make me reach for heaven
in your sweet ******* dreams
And these silly boys who love me
and these vampires, yes they bite
and I will write my poems
so deep into the night
and he will sigh and smile
and they will think its true
but baby just remember
my verses are for you.

From the corner of my eye
I see you there, you're staring
In that black robe you are wearing
daring me to question you
From the corner of my eye
I know your curiosity
but paired with animosity
and I must find out why
The truth  I've always given
but your hatred it has driven
my heart it feels your bitterness
alone without a reason
could it just be the season
that you protest the feeling
the love in you, you're reeling
and yet don't understand
the movements of my hand
the melody that guides me
and sits so still beside me
that pushes me to heaven
from nightfall until seven
I think of you in time dear
and worship you with no fear
from the hem of my soft dress
until the dawning day
I will not feel distress
as you still pass my way
In sadness I will wonder
why you never speak to me
but maybe it is something
that was never meant to be
and this rhythm that i hear
is what will set me free
my wings are torn and tattered
from all the love thats scattered
but your voice was here
right next to my ear
with cynical solitude
alone I will fear
I feel you understand me not
and my heart aches alone
in some dark empty spot
so be it.

admiration, I gave
and then turned away
twirling spinning
and falling into
my dismay
fretting, fuming
and gritting my
teeth with my hate
feeling, knowing
the torment
making one
contemplate
making one
know the reason
for frailty and these
are like tears on
the shoulder of one
who you please
like lies that are true
oh so true that they lie
like a corner so dark
you cant move from your eye
like sins unforgiven
and no one finds peace
i feel the remainder
of pain's cold release
now deceased
given over to lust
in the morn
given over to something
that you have to scorn
laying motionless
bodies, I give my soul
true
till i lie in the coffin
as death beside you.

She drew out her pen and started to write
I could not see her intentions
Her love was unreachable but surely she'd try
to show him her silly pretentions

after all...what did she have to lose

Her heart was transparent..i saw it, i did
and my heart reached out to her sorrow
She pushed her cheap pen and created words
that gave her false hopes of tomorrow

after all...what did she have to lose

And when she was done with that letter she wrote
she folded it and put it to post
with a deep heaving sigh, she first closed her eyes
and thought of who she loved the most

after all...what did she have to lose

And when days had passed and she pulled on her dress
her heart tried to jump from her chest
she ran to the post with excellent glee
and giggled guiet silly and you know the rest

after all..what did she have to lose

But time went by quickly with nothing returned
as she sit and waited so long
her heart grew so cold and her body grew old
but nothing could take her sweet song

after all...what did she have to lose

In dreaming, I found you,
You were as I wished you'd be.
And,waiting for me there in the light,
pulling the darkness free.
I ran to you with smiling face
and fell right into your embrace,
releasing all the hurt I had,
as I stroked your loving face.
I felt this dream around me
as real as my  tears and skin.
I felt your hand upon my heart
and here it would begin.
In dreaming, i have found you
and I long to have you near,
to share my smiles and laughter
and to chase away my fear.
I know this could not be
oh, i know  this is unreal,
but my heart is pulled, regardless,
to things I should not feel.
So, If I say I hate you,
or if I call you names,
I hope you know the message
and recongnize the games.
I think I've fallen deeply,
my tears, they tell me so.a
I never wish to leave you
no, I dont want you to go.
I guess it seems so silly,
this thing inside my head.
But as I fall asleep dear,
I feel you in my bed.
I feel you in my arms, love,
Oh hold me a little more.
And, when that feeling comes to me
I can feel it in my core.
It is something I can't hide from you
and something that should die,
But I can feel you here with me
a touch, a whisper, a sigh.
Forgive me for this feeling,
this unrequited thing.
I have been here stealing
and feeling this love's sting.

The light is fleeting,as you know. As light disappears I am left with darkness again. I cannot make the light. I have tried numerous times to stay within it but it eventually fades back.

The light is stong, although, as I hold you in my arms. As I smell your scent, I am filled with such human emotion of contentment. The voices which cover the globe turn to whispers and the visions fade. For a moment there is only you and I. A moment...a short moment in time. I crave to take you. I want to fill your life in my blood. But I could never bring myself to harm you. It seems you have charmed me far from the point of being charmed. My conjures work not on you. My canines chatter with anticipation of the bite.

You shh me again and so I lay my head back onto your shoulder. You are strong and protect me from myself.

"I must go." YOu say as you hold me away from you. Your arms are strong and I almost let you hold me. "I only wanted to hold you and to make sure you were okay. But, I cannot stay here."

I frown and realize quickly what I am to you. My heart struggles with your descriptions of me. I am this, I am that but I can never be. The riddles astound me. But the light, oh the blessed light. YOu give me the light with no death, no pain then you take it away leaving the pain and the death. Are you from hell? I wonder as I clack my fangs together,and should I just bite you now?

You are human, but your eyes bore into mine as though they know my very soul. You know the creature that I am and yet you are not afraid. You come to me when I am at my deepest of dispair. Right before I have given up, you appear and dangle the light in front of me. I swat at the light just like a little kitten, then you say..

no no no....

You leave me again and take the light with you. The hunger returns.

weight of your body upon me, I feel
the strange sensation of something not real
the odd vibration in tune with the night
those eyes in passion portraying the light
pushing upon me, my will to be free
you stretch out your arms to welcome me
and then I see.
One moment of truth, one dread that I fear
I want just to hold you, to bring your heart near
to hear all those nothings fall onto my ear
this to me is not a game oh my dear
I see clear
I struggle to move you, your weight is too strong
I open my lips to sing loudly our song
and out of the window, they hear it, the throng
I beg and I plead for the moment done wrong
to be gone
You push your cold finger against my soft lips
and **** all the nectar from my fingertips
my mind is awash with your lies and my trips
the blood and the honey it drips
and you nip
taking a little into your whole being
the monster before me, I know I am seeing
but i lay here beneath you instead of just fleeing
-------
I gasp as you enter me
pulling you closer
I feel your whole soul in my throat
Calling out your name in riddles
whimpering into the death of my dreams
I relinquish to you, my control
those times you have taken
as you take me now
are gone in the uselessness
of  time somehow

And you said you wanted good things
like things of light and sweetness.
You said you wanted me to smile
with peace and all completeness.
So, I give to you my deep dreams
of things not quite so dark,
but if I give to you these things
then you must take my heart.
Oh, these things they come together,
I am wholey packed and made.
You cannot get the smiles without
the special place we made.
You cannot get my flesh dear
without grasping wanting hands.
You cannot get the things you want
unless she understands.
So if you smile before me
and offer me all these,
I offer you my love dear
as i give my hot release.
Hold me
Pull me
Bring me near
Fill me
Take me
Lick the tear
It is yours
as you crave
just tell me when
I should behave.
Tell me when
I should go away.
Tell me dear
when I should stay
I am yours
and you know it's true.
I find the light
inside of you.

the end,well it creeps and it makes itself known
the end it was bargained, its soul  it has shown
those words that I said to you quite as you dared
not knowing the face of the  dead as you stared
it waited until you were gone, fast asleep
it waited for dawn, but till then it would creep
the end, it was ragged, and bitter and torn
the end was unbearable, and love did it scorn
I felt the cold end as it gripped me with hate
moving to nothing my thirst would not sate
the end was so hollow, so numb and so dry
as the end placed the penny upon my dead eye
the breath was released as the moth flew away
the end was like  nightfall, gave finish to day

On past the trail
I follow you there
pulled by the stare
you eager face fair
unwound and unbound
untamed by a love
your scritching and scratching
from the limbs up above
A beast that has hunted
my body tonight
then took flight
as I gasped in the
aching of sight
I just might
live the night through
or be eaten by you
doesn't matter, I speak
for I know I am weak
and I hate you for bringing
my body to peak
in the dead of the forest
we kissed, oh what bliss
in the fear of the rustling
things in the mist
I relinquished my soul
as you knew it would be
so i tried but i died
and the night never lied
but it craved and it hungered
then it rained and it thundered
till there was no trace of me
nor of thee