The waves crash into me.
I've been held under.
You keep trying to pull me to the surface
and I'm trying to tell you it is not my wish to return
but only bubbles escape my mouth.
My hair is strewn with the salt of the ages,
water fills my mouth and lungs,
it cannot fight against your grabbing hands.

As the waves are breaking over my head
i know they are trying to tell me
how we always have a choice
and that I'll always have a home here.

Not feeling it right now
Like driving at night on a highway
Lights broken, totally black
Confidence, knowing…gone
Why? I was feeling so good!
So sure….perhaps not.
My mind, my enemy
Make it stop. These thoughts.
Sabotage!

Go away, I beg you.
The fear, the pain
Failure ensue
Not now, no rain
The promise of good
I’ll change just see
If only I would
I am, you see
Just someone who fears
That setting sun
Hold back my tears
As I come undone
Tragedy I own
Tis joy not mine
The sins I’ve sown
In death I shall find
The peace I seek
For I cannot live
In this world so bleak
My heart, I would give
To free the bond
For I, a slave
Until I’m gone
Never to brave

I am weak
Don’t mock
I tried, oh have I tried
Just leave me be
This world is hard

I haven't eaten anything all day
except half an apple
and my ego.

And I am so very apathetic
to my growing problems-
escalating.

I am scared that this is all just a lie
you will wake up and feel
shame and regret.

I am so drugged, so very very drugged
and forever lonely
no matter what.

kites flew in his mind
& kept his head in the clouds,
forcing me to send messages to the sky
in hope he doesn't take flight
with my world on his shoulders.

he was a traveler
intent on conquering every mountain
he could lay his hands on,
& leaving every atlas
to burn beneath his fingers;
like pain searing on a map of hurt
on his lover's skin -
directionless but in motion.

cigarettes were his staple diet
with beer to wash out
the bitter taste of a quick fix.
his smoke & ashes injected adrenaline
into my wasted body
& set my vision straight
when i was getting drunk off of him
on a monday, or tuesday
(or any day mid-week).
intoxication was a breath of fresh air
on nights when he wasn't -
the nights that i had promised myself
i wouldn't cave in to my
drunken wishes.

spirits gave me spirit
& silenced my thoughts
to allow my body to speak for me
in a language i knew
he would understand.

he kept me close by his side
as he slept through the nights
that the weather shared our bodies' passion,
his heart unable to translate
the song his bag of bones played
into tachycardic rhythm
to match my own.

his arms would curl around
every inch of my being,
holding every ounce of me
but without seeing
that imperial measurements
held little meaning to someone
who quantifies in metric.

last love,
i send messages to the sky
in hope you aren't
my last love.

It's as if you've given up on me,
and given up on this.
I can feel it in your fingertips,
and the empty way you kiss.
I can hear it in your tone of voice,
and the lack of things you say.
I can smell it on your icy breath,
and the staleness of the day.
I can see it in your hollow eyes,
and the way you wring your hands.
I can taste it in my empty mouth.
A taste I cannot stand.

I saw you today
for the first time in months
I hope you didn't notice
how fast my heart was beating

You made me sick to my stomach
so I stuck my fingers down my throat
and threw up every memory of you
and now I feel better








                                                                *don't worry.
                                                              I still miss you.

Why Damon, why, why, why so pressing?
The Heart you beg's not worth possessing:
Each Look, each Word, each Smile's affected,
And inward Charms are quite neglected:
Then scorn her, scorn her, foolish Swain,
And sigh no more, no more in vain.

Beauty's worthless, fading, flying;
Who would for Trifles think of dying?
Who for a Face, a Shape, wou'd languish,
And tell the Brooks, and Groves his Anguish,
Till she, till she thinks fit to prize him,
And all, and all beside despise him?

Fix, fix your Thoughts on what's inviting,
On what will never bear the slighting:
Wit and Virtue claim your Duty,
They're much more worth that Gold and Beauty:
To them, to them, your Heart resign,
And you'll no more, no more repine.