Life is not fair,
Life is good to the worst of people.
Yet–
Life is the worst to the best of people.

I've realized something lately,
Our world is one cruel place.
It's cannot be compared to anything,
for anything cruel is from this world,
yet everything good is too.
It makes no sense.
I truly wish it did,
But all I can say is,
This World is One Cruel Place
full of Everything Good.

You say you have been listening,
but do you even know why I am upset?
You hide me from others.
It's almost like you're embarrassed by me.
You ditch me and make plans with others.
You break promises,
You never act like you care anymore.
It's like you forget about me half the time.
We have plans, then you never tell me
where,
when,
or how.
You just leave me hanging until last minutes.
Until it's too late and you break my heart.
You say you have been listening
But you seem to forget about me.
If you really cared you wouldn't do this.
Right? or wrong?
When I truly love someone,
I would do anything to never let them leave.
And right now I am on the verge of leaving
And you should know it.
But you are too stupid to notice.
I've given you a chance,
multiple actually.
But I'm ******* done

It's not that I could never love you,
You're the only person
I have ever come close to loving.
There is just one thing that stops me.
Her.
You still think you love her.
You think she is the best
You could ever have.
but–
little do you know
she doesn't love you.
True love doesn't act like that.
True love won't control you.
True love trusts.
True love cares.
And true love just isn't there.
I want to love you,
I really do,
But waiting is breaking my heart.
And it hurts.
Because I was always there for you.
And she never was.
I was the one that has always understood,
and she never does.
I am the one that pretends like it doesn't hurt.
I  can take the pain,
But only for so long.
But time is running out,
And I can't do this much longer

You know–
I had this crazy thought once.
I thought I might actually be capable of loving you,
And that is something special.
I have never been able to truly love.
Love involves too many risks.
These risks I have never been willing to make.
And you have taught me how common they are.
Once I thought I could truly love you,
You failed me.
You ignored me.
I never asked you to constantly talk to me,
But ignoring me isn't fair either.
I have always been there for you,
And you act like you don't even care sometimes.
I'm sorry if I annoy you,
Just tell me–
I won't do it again.
I'm sorry if you hate me,
Just tell me–
I don't need you in my life.
My life was fine before you came along,
Who says you leaving will make it any different?

I don't understand–
You can't say the signals weren't mixed.
You're the one that leaned on me first.
You're the one who put your arm around me.
It's not my fault I fell asleep on you.
We do it every time.
You say you enjoy the movies...
You say you want to hang out...
You lay on me on the couch...
You fell asleep on me too.
Everything I ever did was to be nice.
I didn't mean for it to end up like this.
I don't want to ruin what we have,
But honestly, what we have isn't much anymore

It’s not that i have fallen in love with him,
I think its more simple than that.
I have fallen in love with the idea of love.
i desire to fall in love.
To feel his skin on mine.
To feel his lips gently kiss mine.
To feel his arms wrapped around me.
To have a soulmate,
a best friend,
a lover,
I just want the feeling of love....

Death is hard.
It's hard to understand
and it's hard to deal with.
Every time someone close
to me dies,
I shut more people out.
I lose emotion.
It's easier to deal
with something,
when you can't feel.
When you are numb to the pain.
Death has made me numb.
Numb to emotion,
Numb to pain,
and–
sadly,
death
has
made
me
numb
to
love.

I want to fall in love,
I want to fall deep in love.
I want someone who will
hold me while I cry.
I want a chest to fall asleep on.
I want a heartbeat that keeps mine steady.
I want a hand that fits mine better than a glove.
I want someone to look at me
with a sparkle in their eyes
and a corny grin on their face.
I want someone who will cry with me,
cry for me,
and cry because of me.
I want someone to watch the sunset with,
even on the cloudy days.
I want to look at someone
and immediately know it's gonna be okay.
I want a prankster.
I want a feeling where
I can cry laughing even when
I'm old and my hair is gray.
I want a smile that lights up the room,
and never fails to light up my face.
I want memories.
I want stories.
I never want to grow old of each other,
I just want to grow old with each other.
I guess what I want is you,
But could you come any faster?

Here's the thing:
I'm not pretty like these other girls.
I don't take good selfies,
I don't flirt for attention,
I don't dress to impress.
I don't wear makeup,
I don't take an hour to get ready in the morning.
I don't care what anyone thinks of me.
I know I am seen as pretty,
Only because I am confident.
I have never cared about my looks.
My appearance has never bothered me.
I can freely be myself
without a worry in the world.
I guess that's my problem.
I'm not pretty like them,
I'm pretty like me.
And sometimes I hate that.
Not because I am pretty,
but because all the Pretty Ones hate me.

I don't really know what to do.
We were never in a relationship.
You were just my best friend.
And I guess she hated me for it.
I never liked you,
I loved you like a brother.
We never did anything wrong,
you weren't even dating her.
Yet–
she still couldn't know when we hung out,
she still couldn't know I sent your streaks,
she still got mad you sent mine.
You say you didn't care but
your actions proved otherwise.
I'm just tired of feeling like
The girl you are using to cheat on with.
I guess I realized our friendship wasn't fair.
You were always there for me,
and I tried to be there for you.
Yet you still always proved your loyalty to her...

so many things have changed lately.
but out of the all the things that changed,
what hurts the most is you.

I've messed up a lot lately.
I've ruined friendships,
I've given up on relationships,
I have given up on everything and everyone.
They don't text anymore.
That daily "I love you,"
turned into a daily streak snap.
I don't get a lot of things anymore,
I especially don't get why
I have given up
On myself

I guess I am not the best at making friends
I guess I am not the best judge of people.
I guess I care too much about others,
and not enough about myself.

"Why are you sad?"
He asks.
I reply with no words.
Just a look,
A look of agony,
hurt,
pain,
and sympathy.
Then he asks again,
"Why are you so sad?"
I reply,
Bt this time with words.
I tell him,
"My heart hurts,
not because of you.
But because of what I am doing to you.
You love her,
She uses you,
I love you.
She hates me,
I am ruining it for you.
I never meant to get in the way.
I never meant to become so close to you.
I never meant to hurt her.
I only meant to help myself,
And I can't even do that right anymore."

I wish there was another way
I wish they understood you like I did.
You were meant to be free,
You just need a little guidance along the way.
You're life is being taken from you
before you're heart stops beating.
Taking yours away
Takes away part of mine too.
I wish people never grew old.
I wish our bodies didn't fail us.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.

You tell me I won't get in the way.
You say she knows what we are.
You say if it means losing me you,
You won't have her.
I lie–
to you
to myself.
I lie.
I tell myself you aren't lying.
I tell you I believe every word you said.
Because if you ***** me over,
Does it really matter anymore?
What's another family member
Breaking my heart gonna do?

You lead me on,
Just to let go of the rope.
I push you away,
Just to give into the weight again.
You carry my burdens,
Just to drop me in the end.
You pick me back up,
Just to lead me on again,
Just to let go of the rope,
Just for me to push you away,
Just for me to give in,
Just for you to carry me,
Just for you to drop me in the end.
It's an ongoing cycle–
And I don't think I will ever learn

Dear Best Friend,
I am sorry if I hurt you. I am sorry if I never treated you right. I never meant any of those things. I just hope you didn't either. You used me. You abused me. And you pursued those I loved. You lied to me. You told me you would never do it again. Yet you did it over and over and over. It's not that I fell for it. I knew what you were doing, I just cared about you too much. I didn't want to hurt you. It just got to the point where you hurt me more. I couldn't sacrifice it anymore. The pain was too great. I chose my mental health over yours. I hope that's not too selfish. I hope you know I still care. You just can't call me a ***, talk bad about all my friends, and use me to get to people. I have feelings too. I may not show it, but I do. I just want you to know I am sorry for what I did, but I do not regret a thing. Here is my goodbye...
                        Love,
                                 Me

Was it my fault this time?
Am I the one that ******* up?
I just got so sick.
I just got so tired.
Your ******* got to me.
You're fake.
You're rude.
You have never proved that you cared.
Only on the good days do we have fun together.
Otherwise you pick on me.
Call me a ***.
Call me too innocent.
Call me too young.
You don't treat me like you do others–
And I think that is because you realized I am not like them.
You realized I don't believe the *******.
I won't play your stupid little games.
I'm not like the other girls.
I don't change for you.
I won't change for you.
Even if it means I have to tell people–
Why I am heartbroken,
Why I haven't smiled,
Or maybe why I smile so much more.
And I will tell them this:
"I smile more, I cry more, and I laugh so much more because of this simple truth: I broke up with my best friend."

I pour my heart out to you,
and i get nothing in return.
I tell you my life problems,
and i get no burdens in return.
I want to help you.
I really do.
But–
I can't help if you don't talk.
I am not being selfish.
I really do care.
I will at least listen.
I can't fix all your problems,
I can only help you through them–
But I can't do that if you don't tell me.

I freakin' hate this feeling.
Sometimes I think you love me.
At others I swear you hate me.
Usually I think you forget about me.
Always–
I just lie to myself.
Saying:
It doesn't matter–
I'm sure he just thinks
That it doesn't bother me.
That I am tougher than the rest–
I have convinced myself this is a valid excuse.
That my tough exterior is a good reason.
When in all honesty,
I know one thing for sure:
I should never be treated like a second,
Just because I am the one that can take it.

The late nights I've had for you,
The sleep I have lost for you.
It's all catching up to me.
I can't stay awake anymore.
As much as I love these late nights,
Would you really do it for me,
Or do I just do it for you?

It's like being stuck.
Stuck in a game you were never meant to play.
Being forced to play by the rules you can't follow.
No one gives you an option on what piece to be.
You are forced to do what you don't know how.
No one gives you the rules,
But everyone expects you to follow them.

I don't understand.
You tell me you're mad at me.
You say I never open up.
You say I've pushed you away.
You say you are here for me,
yet–
When have you ever asked me what was wrong?
Don't you know I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve?
Don't you know I never open up?
I thought you knew me better than that.
I just don't understand how you can be mad at me,
When technically–
I did nothing wrong.

I wish I knew.
I constantly go back and forth,
I can't tell if you're the one using me,
Or if you are the one confused.
She uses you.
Can you not see it?
You give her what she wants.
The attention,
The love,
It is exactly what she wants.
She doesn't want you.
She wants your attention.
She wants your love.
She wants you humor.
She doesn't want you.
She doesn't deserve you.
Trust me,
I would know.

That moment when you think a friend could never use you,
Just know that you are wrong.
Friends are worse than heartbreak.
Friends can be your worst heartbreak,
And your best decision.
I regret being friends with you,
But I wish things would have worked out.
I might miss you,
I don't really know.
I honestly don't care.
You used me twice and you won't do it again.

In that exact moment I felt peace.
I was safe in your arms.
Nothing was going to tear me down.
No one could hurt me.
I was truly happy with you.
The sad thing was–
I knew it was temporary.
I knew we were just friends.
And worst of all,
I know you will be the one to tear me down–
The one to hurt me.
You are my safe place,
but my most dangerous decision.
You are my favorite dream,
but my worst nightmare.
You will tear my down,
But I know you will always be there to build me back up.

The lack of pain,
compared to the amount of attention.
The math doesn't add up.
When is there not something wrong?
When are you ever not miserable?
You are never truly happy.
I can't take it anymore.
Being your only friend has crushed me.
It has gotten to the point,
You have forced me to chose:
Chose between my own mental health, or yours.
I swear I am going insane.
I swear you are not helping.
Never once did you ask me if I was okay.
Talking about our problems always turned into a competition.
Yours always seemed to outweigh mine,
Not in severity, but in number.
I will miss you,
But this is best for me.
And me is what matters right now.

Trust should not be taken lightly.
Trust should be stronger than a iron rod.
Trust can be a funny thing.
Trust can manipulate you.
Trust can build you up,
Trust can bring you down.
But once trust is broken,
Trust cannot be put back together.

I'll never know why you broke me.
I will never why so little you cared.
I don't know how I was so blind.
I just couldn't see the signs.
You used me once,
Using me one more time won't hurt.
It won't hurt you,
It may hurt me once and for all.
Maybe you finally broke me.
We will just have to see.
Next time I just won't open up.
Next time I just won't care.
I don't think you realized what you lost.
You lost a life long friend.

I don't know how to explain myself  anymore.
I don't think like a normal teenage girl.
I don't care about my looks.
I don't care about others opinions.
I don't see the big deal in looking pretty.
I don't see why I should fake my smile.
I don't see why you have to be mean to me to lift yourself up.
I wish it weren't like this.
I wish I understood.

Once I think I am done caring,
There you go again–
giving me one small reason I should.
Once I think you aren't worth it,
There you go again–
showing me why you are worth so much more.
Once I think I have moved on,
There you go again–
refusing to let me get rid of you.
Once I think I really do love you,
There you go again–
Proving to me it was all just a lie.

I may never be as good as her,
And I sure as hell won't try.
Because–
At first you may have fallen for her,
But she was all you ever knew.
I can take you to a whole new world.
Somewhere you have never been before.
Somewhere she could never have taken you.
A world for just you and me.
Because–
first you may have fallen for her,
But she was all you ever knew.
It isn't my job to change for you.
It is only my job to show you something better is out there.
Something better than all you ever knew.

They say what keeps you up at night means the most to you,
But my story is different than most.
You are the one that keeps me up at night,
But–
Here is where my story ends,
Because you may keep me up at night,
I am not what keeps you up at night.
She does.
She consumes your thoughts day and night,
While you don't consume hers.
You consume mine.
You deserve so much better than her,
But have decided to settle because of your stubborn fault.

People ****.
They are so fake.
They don't care about anything but themselves.
They don't realize there are other people in the world too.
They break hearts carelessly.
They ruin lives purposely.
They pretend you hurt them,
When in reality,
They hurt you.
In the process of hurting you,
they hurt themselves.
making them more reckless,
more careless,
and more intentional.

It was never supposed to be this way.
She never meant to be in the middle-
But now that she was
she was stuck like glue.

She would watch them fall in love,
watching from the sidelines.
Because to her it had become a game,
A game she was never meant to play.

One thing that scares me the most,
Is that I have become numb to so many things.
Numb to others opinions,
Numb to our own,
Numb to sorrow,
Numb to guilt,
Numb to my thoughts.
I can't feel emotions anymore.
I don't feel the pain.
I refuse to feel the hurt,
Because that is what scars the most.

I guess what I wanted was a Lie-
you're humor, without the cruelty in it,
you're fun, without the boring.
I guess what I am saying is,
I wanted you without your flaws.

What I've come to realize is,
I was wrong.
You can never ask someone for only parts of them.
This shows them their whole self isn't necessary.

Now, I guess what I need is the Truth.
the thing is, I don't know what that is.
I know so many different versions of you,
I don't know the True you anymore.

a selfish thing it is,
to cry over the loss of someone we love.
we want them here,
when where they are there.
we want them here,
just for our happiness.
we want them here,
just because they are the reason for our smile.

all i know to say is,
we must learn to create our own happiness.
for when our happiness relies on others,
it comes and goes like the wind.

I'm sorry I asked.
I just care too much sometimes
I wanted to make sure you were okay.
That's all I needed.

I'm sorry I asked.
I think too much sometimes.
I wanted to make sure you weren't leaving.
That's all I needed

I'm sorry I asked.
I hope too much sometimes.
I wanted to make sure you wouldn't let me down.
That's all I needed.

I would never call myself ugly,
But I don't think I am pretty either.
I don't stop people in their tracks,
Just so they can look at me.

I guess you could call me unique,
Because I'm not gorgeous like other girls.
I guess you could call me unique,
Because my beauty comes from within.
I guess you could call me unique,
Because I'm not pretty,
I'm not ugly,
I am me-
and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world

isn't it crazy?
just the smallest thing
can turn a good day,
into a day you wish never happened?

isn't it crazy?
just one word
can turn a good mood,
to a bad mood you get stuck in for days?

BUT

isn't it also crazy?
that one person can turn a rough night
into a night you'll never forget?

The one night it hurts the most,
Thats the night you ignore me.
The one night where things get tough,
Thats when they decide to complain.
The one night where I need you to care,
You don't give a ****.
The one night I refuse to sleep,
Is the night you give up on me.
The one night I am excited for the next day,
Thats the night my parents refuse to let me grow up.

I just don't understand.
The one night I actually need help.
Thats the night no one notices.

Honestly-
You confuse me

I don't get it,
You see-
When you text me late at night.
When you find excuses to call me,
It makes me smile.

I don't know if I love you.
I don't know how I feel.
I guess that is up to how you feel,
And I don't think you even know how you feel.

So I will just sit here and wait.
Bruised but not broken.
Cracked but not shattered,
and hurt but not heartbroken.

Everyone thought she grew up in a happy place.
That this place was full of joy.
They thought it was full of grace.
But he treated her like a toy.

One day she cried out:
“Why do you cause me so much pain?
Why must you scream and shout?
You cause my clothes to have a red stain.”

“Oh, but why are you here?
You really are quite the trouble.
You have become less and less a dear,
And caused me to see double”

Walking to her room at night,
She hears a little boy.
He was in a great big fight,
Being treated as a toy.

“Stop! Stop!” she cried,
Don’t hurt the little boy!”
She jumped in with wide eyes.
“Quit treating him like a toy!”

The hit was hard,
It was right to her head.
She figured it would scar.
When it actually made her dead.

No longer a toy,
She vanished from this world.
She left the boy.
His mind was in a whirl.

She came back to the hill,
But no longer as a toy.
She came to be his guardian angel,
Saving the life of the little boy.

It's not that I can't love.
It's not than I can't find him cute.
There is nothing wrong with you, or him.

I just don't know how.
I can't love him.
Not just yet.
He could break my heart just like that.

I can't seem vulnerable-
I can't be a pain.
How do I give away pieces of me no one's ever seen?

And-

To love me,
It takes a special person.
It requires a lot-
A lot of trust,
A lot of time,
A lot of listening,
And a lot of you.

I guess what I am trying to say is,
Its complicating.

Sometimes I wonder-
"Is loving something temporary worthwhile?"
But-
When I think about what I love,
I realize

For me,
People aren't temporary,
They leave legacies that can last forever.
People leave their love-
their wisdom
their hobbies
their secrets
And-
I've realized
For me, people aren't temporary

Now-
When I think of what I love,
I know it's worthwhile
And my wondering isn't so lost anymore-
Because for me,
People aren't temporary

His smile was never fake–
It was just hard to bring out.
His love was never wrong–
It was just too much for her to bear.
Her love was never wrong–
It just wasn't enough for him.
The amount of love he needed was too much for her to give.

The love he needed was the 4am kind of love–
The love where someone was always there for you–
Where he could just hear her voice, and everything would be okay.

Their fights were enough to make him stay.
Her fiery temper fueled the fire in his soul.
He loved her in an unimaginable way–
With a broken, beautiful, flawed love.

The sad thing is,
It was worth it for him–
But to her,
It meant nothing.