The Castle she was bound to,
Held her hostage to the prison of her mind.
Each year a new cell was built.
In each cell dwelled not another prisoner,
But another piece of her.
One memory lived among each cell.
Only the worst memory of her past did she visit,
And it was that of loneliness.
its been a while. I've missed writing....
I guess im boring
I don't do what they do so no one cares
"you need to learn to live"
"you need to party more"
"put yourself out there"
they never love me for me,
they only love me for what they can make me
sometimes im happy the way I am
happy that I don't have a man,
that I don't need a man.
but then I realize all the memories Im missing.
I will never have that young and in love relationship.
I will be forced to mature early,
therefore never being able to fall in love recklessly.
I will be forced to be more careful.
therefore I will never trust fully.
I guess I will be missing out,
but the question is:
Will it all be worth it?
how I feel about my futures right now I guess
I don't want you to lie to me and say its okay.
I disappointed myself too.
I know we both wanted more.
but I failed you.
so many expected more of me and I failed you all.
im really sorry.
I know it's over something stupid,
but it meant a lot to me.
and I didn't want to let you down.
I know I act tough
I know everyone thinks I'm over that.
That I don't need a man.
That I don't need to dress up to feel pretty.
That I can do everything on my own.
I know I come across that way.
I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve.
Sometimes I need someone to tell me I am pretty.
To tell me I am worth it.
To hold me while I sleep.
To help me while I cry.
To listen while I complain.
To not leave me just cause "im okay"
Sometimes it feels nice to be treated like a lady,
cause I always just end up being one of the guys...
I wish I could tell you how broken I am. I wish I could tell you what this is doing to me. I want to tell you how broken I am. How unstable I am. How much I miss home. And most of all how it is your fault. You took me from what I loved the most. And who I loved the most. And it's hard to blame anyone. Maybe it isn't your fault. It isn't really anyones. Someone needed happiness more than I did. So I sacrificed
like always. I lied to make them happy. And now I can't go back. I'm stuck for another year. The fact that I am only halfway done kills me. I cry myself to sleep so much because I miss home. I want to go back. I second guess myself and say things weren't so bad because now they are just worse. They are worse in a much different way. I have met a few people that have made my entire life worth living, but nothing cam replace home. And now I have people from my past haunting me in my future. I hear their voices in my ear shouting their success and yelling my failures without using words. I just want to be home. I just want the comfort of home. I just want the safety of normalcy. My life is so different now and NOONE will ever understand that. But I have dug myself a hole so deep no rope will reach down and pull me out and no amount of strength can get me out of it
because what may feel like the end....
is just the beginning of something even greater.
something greater than ever before.