the moon loves us so much,
it circles us day and night.
it comes in new phases
all the time,
and we still think it's beautiful
we still stare at it in wonder
and love it nonetheless.
no matter what it is.

why can't we accept ourselves at all phases as well?
why can't we embrace our cycles?

"I appreciate you."
"And what about me do you appreciate?"
she looked down,
"A lot of people don't have enough guts to look the unknown in the eye,
and validate it.
You face it. You face the unknown."
I smiled,
thinking that reality must come someday,
so why would I ever avoid it?

"I appreciate your honesty with reality" she said.
she didn't realize she was she same as me, did she?

i wonder
how long will it take for me to die?
how long will the pain last
in my mind
in my bones.
oh i feel it everywhere,
it reverberates in my body,
my tiny, weak and frail little body.
how long will it persist
in scarring me
front and back.

my mind, a strong fortress.
so full of imagination and thoughts
beyond your wildest dreams,
maybe in them too.
intoxicated with love and adoration
for people and their souls.
their beautiful and intricate thoughts.

but my body
eating itself alive
and rejecting itself.
beating itself with a hammer.
like self harm,
but it hurts both of us.

but i love it so much,
i take such good care of it
i try so hard...
i try so hard to be gentle
and give it all love i can find.
i know no one treats you very well,
but i try so hard.

is it not enough?

am i not enough, again?

i won't make it to see you love me,
i'm trying to die.

we age as quickly as our world,
she aged as quickly as the stars.
her numbers were short,
but her death was long.
I think I loved her just as long.

she monologued to me,
I was beside her bed.
I could tell that this monologue wasn't meant for me,
it was meant for the stars.
I remember she talked to them a lot,
she thought they were some supernatural beings,
so they would "get it" more than we would.
she probably wasn't wrong, I got in the habit of it too eventually, after she passed of course.
since I knew I was talking to her too up there.

she wasn't talking about anything in particular,
she often didn't,
and I can't exactly recall everything she said,
her words seemed so sacred.
not meant for me to repeat by count.
but at the end of her monologue, she started directing it at me.
telling me that "the universe was made to be seen by your eyes"
and that I was worth a thousand lifetimes.
she never clarified what she meant,
but I took it as if she was telling me that
the world is so beautiful
and so much changes
but I'm beautiful too,
and the changes we both make
are made to be seen together.
the stars and I were made for each other.

what do you see when you see them?
their smile? is it something about their personality? tell me.


now, what do you taste when you think of them? is it their body? or a food that tastes like a memory of them? tell me that, too.


what do you hear when you think of them? their laugh? their favorite song? their sleep talking? keep going.


what do you feel when you think of them? their hands? their heartbeat? talk to me.


now, what do you smell when you think of them? their own smell? maybe their favorite flower? tell me.