I'm not out the woods yet
but at least I do see a clearing up ahead
sunshine gracefully dancing between the leaves that have shadowed me.
days. weeks. months. years.
What is "time" anyway.
But alas, the sun's rays whispers this one little secret
I spy this, this bit of solitude in the distance
the thick tall trees and brush is thinning
the ground more even
I'm not sure if it leads to the end of this wood, or if it will only offer a brief respite from my tortuous journey
But I'll take it.
I'll sleep there and I'll catch my breath
And I'll thank God for the peace
I'll lay on the solid ground
and hug the space around me
I'll inhale deeply and digest this rare moment
then back onto my journey
and if it proves to be the end I'll take it
and if I find myself back in the wood, I'll look forward to another clearing.

In this place I've  built
In this space I've built
On your face I felt all the warmth.

When the days have melt
When the ways have melt
And your gaze has left me forlorn

There are stays I remember
There are "hey"s I remember
That phase in and out of my sight

Oh the haze of orange embers
Embrace of the winter
To again face an unending night

Ill go Stacey Dash on you
Blastin you
Actin like my daddy ain't black
Attackin You
With these alternative facts
Hate the "fake news"
So I can fool wypipo into havin ME on they team
Low self esteem has made me green with envy for the machine
There's no in between
I don't support you
I hate your black support groups
Why don't you just pull YOURself up
By YOUR bootstraps while I deport you
Cause I'll resort to a white face
And paint my own race
As lame
My claim to fame
Clueless
To the truth
I Maintain this
Self-hate
My lips stay lyin' through my tooths
I don't mind being their puppet
Long as they keep my noose loose

"As If" -Sharde' Fultz 3.2.17

You'll  have to remove those bricks, sir.
I'm  afraid I've  built some walls.
I'm  a better mason than I'd  like to admit.

Romantic Love has always been ironically, over romanticized for me.
It just appeared to be too much
Too irrational
Too cartoonishly blissful
This could be from a life of witnessing too much romantic hurt
Too much of the flip side of what romantic love could do.
The harm.
The loss of trust
All the broken pieces
So I never felt it was something worth seeking
It was cute
It was good for movies
But now I guess I get it
Love songs have a bit of a deeper meaning now
And I get the bliss.

I used to loathe when tired, those who erred to disregard the pull of thoughts towards the complexities that make us who we are. Or perhaps the tug they never feel, the stinging ***** within the soul. That scratch that must be raked by nails until one feels they fin'lly "know."

I loathed the hedonist's sweet relief
The gratification and tunneled vision
The scarless frames, the husks they may be,
The innocence of things unseen-
I once would wish that I could be so null to that which mattered most. Its relative, but even still I wished that I was like those folks.

11:36p
8.28.18

I might dare to paint love one day.
Or draw it. I haven't played around with paint much.
But when I imagine it put to paper its painted so perhaps that's the better medium?
Something about the brush strokes perhaps? Those little tiny lines but all having their own existence.
Their own job in being part of the final picture.
love is usually shrouded in reds and pinks and whites.
But that's not what I see.

When I close my eyes and try to imagine those feelings taking shape
Putting on clothes to present itself to the world

I see dark blue hues and sort of a glitter all over a black background
and the glitter isnt regular glitter but the glitter of the stars late at night out in the country when they blanket the sky.
And theres purplish colors ranging from the deepest purple to tiny streaks of the lightest pinks, and greys and whites and golds and earthy greens.

Every color that's rich and deep.

and theres this constant, ethereal movement. Like a dream.

Slow like the clouds floating lazily across the sky on an easy day. And theres a small white gradient around the edges to sort of make it glow...

I'm beginning to think love looks like a far away planet?

Ominous and beautiful
And it's corny, but I feel like we're our own little world.

I didn't see it coming
but I felt it in every ounce of my being
an impact so heavy that fragments of my fragile self was scattered throughout the street

dizzily I tried to piece myself together
resulting in such a mess

inanimate reflection of distress

so I tore myself a part again and figured I'd lay there in the world
on the pavement
pieces of me in cement
floating away like rainwater, caught in the flood of duress

susceptible to the elements

but I couldn't stay scattered about
being walked upon and forgotten
sweet apathy I didn't care
but care came back all a'sudden
so I tried to sweep me back together this time
more patient
more diligent

armed with scissors and tape and glue
some pieces gone forever to the deep
some pieces too withered to renew
but there I stood

all askew
no more the one I thought I knew
But the one I chose to keep

I wish we didn't get along so well
I wish you didn't understand me so well
I wish you didn't express your feelings so well
I wish I didn't like you

I think we could work if we weren't so messed up
I think I could try if I weren't so f'd up
I think it's a waste for me to even 'fess up
it's just not something that I would do

All these things that are holding me back from exploring,
all these fears that prevent me from trust.
the emotions I feel-- an unwanted outpouring
this is new
'seems I cannot adjust

Folded ripped and unfolded
You see the symmetry and its beautiful
But when you take a step closer you see the emptiness in the tears.
You see the valleys left behind in each crease of every fold
The rugged edges of the rip
Fingerprints left from a sweaty hold
Yes, upon closer inspection I am but the sum of my parts
And often all my parts appear to be disasters
And often they are
I trot around like a work of art
But few see what it took to get that way
How I was folded ripped and unfolded
Few can't see past what it took
They see the holes left in me but not the pretty shapes
And some see the shapes and I wish they'd acknowledge the holes
Still even fewer can comprehend the resulting work
And frankly, Sometimes I'm not sure I do
But I manage
A crippled work of art made beautiful by how neatly she was torn apart
I struggle to hold my new form in the wind and amongst viewers
Try to look like something relatable
And not like life spent too long on me
Worked till it got weary and persisted when really it should have rested its eyes
I try
To uphold my form as though every overworked corner and tear isn't centimeters away from destruction
As though the slightest snag or tug won't leave me hanging
Noticeably Deformed and mishapen
But I stretch and I retract with grace
Perhaps this is how I dance now
my life a pas de deux of trying to hold it all together
Just folded, ripped, and unfolded.

Genetically. Modified. Organism.
We do a lot o'talkin
And a lotta ppl mad at that name.
But I got dipped in the water to proclaim,
Im a GMO.
The fall of man didnt hold the power to tie me down no mo
My descension simultaneously displayed the ascension of my soul
My eyes glow with the reflection of my heavenly father who transcended from ***** feet with blistered soles
Ive been genetically modified to not see the world as which we know
We're living in the fog worshipping the money that we grow
We dont follow the narrow road
We dont love ourselves no mo.
Spent too much time bein broke
Caught a break, bought a whip
Bought some jays, bought some rims
But gettin towed
Whole house repoed
Iced out, chrome.
gold.
Investments? zero
We need new heroes

Drank the lies that ***** whipped into our minds while we were bleedin on his ***
Breaking earth and pulling weeds
We gluin weaves like, dawg. Where my edges go?
Now you tryna train yo naps cause everybody goin au natural
But you STILL mad cause yo curl pattern dont show that 2 percent of Navajo.
Changed yo hair but didnt change yo thinkin tho
Too long that permed subconscious sinkin through yo follicles
Mother earth dun been pulled harder than those edges
Act like you got some self-respect, go outside and clip those hedges
But her roots dug up
The seeds we sew
Aint enough to feed the whole
The rich, THEY bite the hand that feeds
But their stomachs; still on swole?
People like to get online and fuss,
Stop the GMOs!
Following the likes and living in fear sgonna leave the po--
HUNGRY. ..and po
I mean, what is science, fo?!
With climate change, and the persistent depletion of arable land, where yo seed gone go?
How yo plants gone grow?
Hopefully that won't have to be the case but I get the feelin
Mama nature's feelinnn
So'...

Shoot, Seasons dont know which way to flow
Cause we're walkin down the street throwin trash all on her flo
Like we aint neva been to anybody house befo.
Fillin it up wit smoke blottin out the sunlight
Making her plants choke.
Now the clouds broke.
Cryin acid rain and now your drinkin waters soaked

Im not tryna throw shade.
Im not half as deep as the aformentioned might denote
I aint gon lie
I dont
STAY.

woke .
I dont do my research on every clever quote
That I post
Hey, Im the FIRST one to let you know that I dont know.
But when I DO know
Aaaand I know fasho
And I hear somebody like, yeah this and that and so and so...talkin OUTside they ear. HOLE?!
I be like,
bro...
smh




-*sorry, I'm sleepy and have not proofread

I love poetry
I love reading poetry
And the more I read the more I see the same themes
The same thoughts
The same feels...
And for a brief moment of weakness I feel like a fraud
Is it for naught
If we're all saying the same things?
Using the same bowl of words and rearranging them with different cadence and meter?
Then almost immediately I see the beauty.
I see the human experience.
And how we're all the same.
Acting and reacting within the scope of only so many emotions
My poem doesnt have to be the first to say it
I write it as a humble entry to this shared thought.
My signature in agreement.
Added proof that all these meticulously organized words have been offered earnestly and painted beautifully for all our sakes

One day you'll be sitting there
Thinking about me.
And I'll be somewhere,
Doing the exact same thing,
Thinking about me.

Im not gon' write a poem about you.
Uh uh.
I'm not about to allow you to make me FEEL
And allow you to fill
Me up
In such a way that my subconscious has to throw you up and onto a page
Nope
I'm not about to write a poem for you
Nooo siree, you see I've made that mistake
Prior.

When I was young and silly and hopeful.

I went and bought a fancy pen
The kind that writes so smoothly and makes my cursive extra pretty, but you know it bleeds?

I thought the ink that dripped from MY pen once it soaked through
It would sort of seal  us in the paper
Like I said, I was mistaken so
No.

I'm not about to write a poem for you TOO

And just leave myself exposed?
I mean who knows
if I replace those little tiny "o"s for hearts over my "i"s when I dot em that soon you could care less
For the stress on my esteem after you're mean leaving the apples of my cheeks with salty tears streaming down them
So naw'l
I refuse to tell the world how you made me blush when your lips found them.
Or how we had so much in common
It was raining but we just kept walking
You made me laugh until I was coughin'
I ain't gonna do it
I've learned its better to not let you soften-

my heart

But instead I mold bricks
cause it seems noone wants to actually bring any GOOD to it.
Seems 9 times out of ten all they want to DO
Is to do IT
when all I want is you to put
my hand in yours and stare into my eyes and search my heart and not my thighs
I'm not gonna try

And make this something more than what is was.

Just because of what I felt the warm and fuzz of flirty words spoken over Patty melts?
It was nice.
But I dont think that warrant's you a poem.

Not an admonition of my humanness
Not another proclamation of my foolishness

for allowing myself to think,
dare  I say hope
that those two hours of my precious life were 2 not wasted?
And Not worth the energy for me to store the memory
in the best way made for me to preserve it?
A poem?
How am I supposed to know that you deserve it?

But how can I resist within that moment?

After reflectin' on my day I find my mind keeps
pressing replay
on those two hours in Ferndale
And how we talked until nightfell.
Forgot to feed the meter cause what is time?
Hell I was frozen by you, guy.
I digged my nose into your life and just kept goin.
  
You had the audacity to inquire about my dreams and all my passions
and what makes me get up outta bed every morning

So I HAD to ask you back

And I listened
And I enjoyed what you said
And as we parted ways I had to immediately LIE
and document it in my head
Under "non-important"

It was nice

But don't let yourself get excited

Felt like I was on cloud 9 but gotta hide it
Come off the high
Cause what if in the end it's unrequited?

and I'm upset with you
Regretting you
No.
HATING you for letting me feel slighted
Yeah you tried it.

I mean YOU didn't.

At least not yet...

I just don't wanna write another poem that I'll want to forget.

I've been thinking about my goals and how I will acheive them and I keep running into this good for nothing bleep called PATIENCE. So heres a lil something

I want everything-everything
I want the world because I can
I want power because I can
And I want everything because I can.
I am tired of hoping and wishing and promising
because I CAN- be tired of it
I want now, and I want
everything
I want time, I want love, I want happiness
I want knowledge
and yes I want everything
and yes I will get everything I want as long as I realize I should want
PATIENCE.

I need a little poetry to ease my mind I find
Sometimes its like a sea of tidal waves
I cave, I gave, my all, I prayed to crawl because
to fall
was out of the equation
I'll take some knee abrasions to get to my vocation
these types of situations, they lead to complications
Cause I know
I've seen my lowest low but still I follow
The Lord He calms my tears and heals my heart and steals my sorrows
We do not know His will and so we worry 'bout tomorrows
but its strength and faith and power in His Word He let us borrow
-No He gave it-
I don't debate my Savior so just save it
I wish the way I walk and all my actions were His favorites
but I doubt that
I do good but I know I can do better,
I'm just tryna keep this poem from an angry letter,
There's a reason why to God my heart is tethered
I'm on the path of righteousness but choking on the Angels' feathers

Please.
Could u find it in your heart
To give me back all those vulnerable moments?
Because I feel so stupid now
I feel stupid for going against every fiber of my being and exposing myself
For daring to say those things that come from a place so deep in my heart that it terrifies me.
Knowing that when they rise to the surface
When they escape the warmth of my chest and meet the warmth of the sun they become real
They become present
And tangible
And I need you to give them back because I regret it now
Because I dared to trust and you did exactly what I expected
Because I spent my life building walls and was so well protected
But I leapt
I dared to love fully and relentlessly
And I was all in so I put it in ink.
I put it in air
I put it in touch
I cemented it in time and space.
And I regret it.
I don't regret the relentless love but I regret letting it see the surface
I regret letting you see all those lisa Frank feelings.
So colorful and magical and childlike
And I'm embarrassed.
Cause in the end you didnt deserve it
But now it's yours
And for the rest of your life you have the privilege of those memories that were birthed from a trust you betrayed
You'll get to look back and see how much I loved you
How hard I loved you
And I'll always see how it was too much
I'll always be mad that I went all in
Yet it wasn't enough for you to go all in for me
Staggering inequity
Now how will I dare to trust again?
How will I not temper the reckless abandon that makes it so exciting?
Love Is easy,
But taking that love. Those words. Those memories
and giving it matter
Depth
Sound
Touch
Color
That's a gift. It's the purest art.
So please just give them back so I can protect it better next time.
I think
Next time I'll just keep love in my heart.

Just feel like the way you're approaching me right now
doesn't reflect the way I'm trying to be perceived
you know?
telling me how **** I am
doesn't make me feel like you see the God in me
or like that's something you wish to see.
Now I don't think there's a problem with being ****
I embrace my femininity wholeheartedly
and **** is just a pretty cool aspect
that I reckon shines a light on what you think are my assets
but please...

See, it's hard for me to take that as a compliment.

Why don't you lead me to believe there's more to YOU than what meets the eye?

and although I know that you're just reflecting the view that has just met your eye oblige me by taking a moment to think before you speak.

Even still
nonetheless
I have a solid idea as to why...
Cause you see these girls on instagram and facebookin their thighs
and *******
and booties
for 300 likes

"**** girl you ****"
"he he thanks, boo! "
don't let that crap lead you to believe I like it too

I feel sorry for that girl
the one who has to use her body to feel accepted in this world
the girl who needs some real love but outside acts sadiddy
not until she sees those likes to finally feel pretty
exposing her surfaces 'cause her insides are...

I digress, when you approach me that way it's not cool
just as you judge me by the things I say, I judge you.
and I feel you,
you probably aren't even looking for all that
you don't care about my God or my mind or my passions
but the least you can do, stranger, is respect my personhood
and get to know me just enough to gauge what might've been my reaction
cause that, "hey ****" is not how I want to be addressed.
there's so much more to this body than what's under my dress
So, blatantly, I'm unimpressed by your ability to state the obvious

I'm tired of dudes looking at me like I'm crazy when I politely say, "I'd rather not be called that."
Like I just dissed a blessin'
Like the woman that always complains that, "men ain't nothin'.''
"I was just trying to pay you a compliment."
Huh? Oh yeah, THAT'S really something.

if you have any interest in me is that the best you can do?
So, yeah, I know right off the bat I'm not the one for you.
It's not my fault your perception has been skewed
that you still haven't been schooled
that this message is just now getting to you
you're part of that world that's still chasing the cool
using the tools that were forged for some girl whose cup isn't full

And again there's nothing wrong with being told that I'm ****
but I'd rather hear it from a man that already gets me
and knows that not just my high heels and my dress me
but the heart in my chest me
and the sound of my voice
my word choice, my corny jokes,
my thirst for spiritual growth, my softened heart toward the weak,
my intellect, my integrity--that's what makes me-me.
that's what makes me
****.
They're one in the same,
And you can't possibly know all that before you know my first name.

You hold your deepest darkest secrets
You tuck them deep within
They hold your insecurities
They hold your guilts
Your sins
You tuck away the little things
Although they're small and trite
Because they are embarrassing
And others may not like
You hide away those thoughts you have that question your ideals
You drop them in that secret hole
To forget the way it feels
Those fragments of your fragile mind
Unorthodox and curious
You joke about it with your friends
When underneath you're serious
The road of introspection winds
with "stop" and "yield" and "caution" signs
To trust is to be vulnerable
To unveil the inconspicuous

What does one do when so compelled?
When that dark hole succumbs and swells?
When it begins to manifest itself
In snide remarks
In violent yells?
And what of the peculiar sort?
That only you yourself may hurt
If driven from that deep down hole
Might shake your world

Your very soul?

No wherewithal
How would you fare?
You can see the judgement
You feel the stares
Your mouth is dry as you're standing there
Undressed but fully clothed?
its possible that we share this fear
An outpouring of whats been repressed for years
To fall on uncompassionate ears?

My whole world would unfold.

some of these thoughts  
Some of these feelings
Sneak up on us without revealing
An answer or a premonition
And we need those
...Because we're human...
So its scary to come face to face
With that which feels so out of place
And try to figure out all on our own
If this feels right, if this feels wrong
But I digress to finally say
Hopefully you're able to one day
Dislodge some secrets from that pit
Before it swells

Just empty it

You have to find a caring ear
That's empathetic to what they'll hear
That can handle the grey, the fog and confusion
And help clear the waves of disillusion
To get some things from off your chest
And give your mind some well due rest
It's such a relief
Such comfort
a wealth
To for a moment
be fully
your unadulterated
Self.

HIStory So White  
I'm so sick and tired of hearing about HIStory and its butchery.
It's like every time I go online I'm clicking on what reveals another lie.
Another untold fact.
Another white-washed tale.
Another brother or sister's story to which they said, "What the hell, it's just another *****. Who they go'n tell?"
But that's not what they teach us "******" today
Or the rest of the world
And they smile in our face like its all okay.
History so white, man.
HIS story SO white!
But it simply doesn't add up when we all know this nation was built off the Black man's  plight.
By virtue of the blood sweat and tears we poured into this land we took what we were given and molded it into minds of business and healing and growth.
But HIStory wouldn't let you know.
They saw our creativity and ingenuity and either claimed it as their own
Or conveniently failed to mention us for so long
Not giving credit where it's due until you and your whole family's dead and gone
It's 2017 and we still don't know what REALLY went on.
So no, I can't trust this place.
Not with me and my people.
This U.S.of A. That's supposed to be breaking race
Boundaries
But it seems to me we take a step forward and two steps back
Why are our prisons filled to the rim with Blacks?
I wanna trust you, America. I really do.
But you aren't giving me much to work with.
I know there are worse places to be.
Honestly.
But I don't always feel like THIS place is for me.
Like, its not always also MY land of the free.
28 days of hollow black reverence doesn't do me much of a service
Besides a reminder of how much you deserted US and OUR histories.
Cause HIStory SO white.

There's an emptiness I feel that I have surely tried to hide and fill
with things that "normal" people do to quench my appetite
but it cannot at times it rears its awful empty gaping head and
stirs my blood and brings me down
a heaving chest
a heart of lead
an aching head and itchy eyes a tear soaked pillow on my bed
and plum bruised thighs that bear the weight of hands that cup a sobbing chin
and hides the face that hates to cry
that's forced to stifle all her pride
and take involuntary  blows
the uncontrolled
the deep within
muffled screams and yells of anger all the confusion that I keep
forsook the world and gained a soul
but is that all to reap?

You are truly magnificent; you're great, you are marvelous, you're expansively strong, you are out of this world!
Be courageous, be humble, give back and build up, be dynamic, a student, and teacher, be BOLD!
I'm telling you this 'cause you don't hear it enough and I know you're unique and can impact the globe.
You have dreams and high hopes. Though negativity surrounds you,who you want to be fervently burns in your soul.

Hey beautiful and dedicated! Hey handsome and strong-willed! Don't let this life pass without honing your skills.
See success is not businessess, money or boats.
Established is not a doctorate, true wealth is not in notes.
Those "Yays" can't compare to the gleam in your eyes.
Those True Religion jeans are just fabric for thighs.
Those Jordans may be hot, all these things show you're paid but don't matter 'cause you're already beautifully made.

Do what you enjoy.
Fight for what you believe in.
Don't take "No" for an answer, please realize your dreams.
Reality is relative, no goal is impossible,
The prowess you subsume can create NEW extremes!

I love you and I believe in the positive change that you can be to the community and this world, but it's more important for you to believe in, respect, and love, YOURSELF.

This is my brain on drugs
This is my brain in love

The high is so good
To feel understood
To feel so secure by your touch

When I wake up and thank Jesus for another day
I feel guilty, as I wrestle
to keep thoughts of you at bay.

Tho I always win
You're my whiskey, my gin

And I reach for you after I pray.

I wanted to fall asleep immediately
So I could hold on to the sound of your voice
Float on its timbre
And let your english envelop me like a foreign language

This aberrant dialect.

Every letter wrapping me in its cursive like a warm blanket as I try to commit these strange sounds to memory, because a sentence has NEVER made my face soo flush
OR made me feel the way my soul feels barefoot center stage.

That last breath before blackout.
The feeling in my chest as the curtains rise...

Honest
Childish
Your word choice

I wanted to fall asleep immediately when we got off the phone so I wouldnt miss that flight to you in my dreams!
Where the night doesn't end...

I hadn't taken off my earrings
Or my necklace or my glasses
I hadn't tied my hair
Or brushed my teeth

I didnt say my prayers!! I, I wanted to fall asleep immediately so I could pretend that you were
THERE.
Ya know?

Holding me at heart-beat's length
Telling me to keep talking cause
my voice is so mellifluous.
my silly rambling is a lullaby.

Sweet, melodic
Pleasant, soothing
Too much of a good thing

I wanted to fall asleep immediately so I could land on our conversing and allow the reverberating echo of my collision to torment every
Stage.
Of.
REM.
A reflection of him
And me. And time. Delayed gratification.
The ever-waaaaning night!
Tomorrow
but a slow
creep...
sigh
I wanted to fall asleep immediately
'Lest this moment
forgo my keep.

3.18am 7.25.14

The ground?
The ground is gone. Im floating past sunsets and sunrises
Im floating through hellos and goodbyes
Im floating below the heavens
And just above the singe of hell's fires
I'm floating with my debts
I'm floating with my pains
I'm floating with my future and my past
I'm there
Suspended
The air is thin
My breaths are small
But just enough
And I see it all
I feel it all
But numb to consequence
I've kept my drive
I'll hold my loves
But I float amidst the cares
They graze my skin and float away
The ground?
The ground is gone and I feel its gone forever

I’m so busy not sleeping right now that I’ve thought myself into a restless stupor. My winter aestivation was cut short by your prying and kneading
And needing to be within my thoughts
Kind words and smooth talk
“I can’t just be friends; I don’t know how I could do that.”
I didn’t choose to welcome 3:45 in the morning; I believe this is what you sought.
Love unrequited is a wound I’d never want and never could I have imagined being caught Red-handed, blood stained with your heart, eyes flushed and cruel and wicked and heartless from a day of turning you down.
I’m not that kind of person I can’t stand it.
But you want me to. But you want me.
You want to be able to hold me and claim me and protect me and I don’t know what to do
I keep thinking of different ways to tell you, but every way I twist it
It still burns you the same. I pour salt into a wound I made…
Waning you on fewer texts throughout the day
It would be so much easier if you were short, or not so amazing and handsome and smart and if you couldn’t make me smile. Unfortunately you’re all this and more and you came out of nowhere and that is why I can’t just jump into an “us”.
In the end you’re still awesome and you’re still beautiful, and you’re still getting hurt and I’m still calling you ‘cause you’re so good to me and I love it
But you want more--here you are fighting for my heart and every day trying to wrap my hands around yours
This is a part of me that no one has been able to open and you stand there with reformed tools .
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to tell you that I have not already said.
“Friends” is not a title you can live with and that’s a crying shame because if we can’t start that way I’m not sure how we can start.
I don’t want to lose whatever we have but I’m not ready for a relationship either…I’m still lost because somehow my plan didn’t work
I thought “Just friends “would be simpler. But in the end you’re still getting hurt.

I cried so hard last night
I cried soo hard
I try to stay positive but it was something I had to do
there is cancer in my body
located in my chest
Last night I cried so hard, as though I was just realizing this
but no, it's nothing new
not too new
my mom was there to comfort me
she was there with words of encouragement
what I have is something curable
but my tears were still well spent
I believe in God for my healing but pinned up confusion overwhelmed me
I had to vent
I had to vent
ventilation for my questions
are you serious? Who just gets cancer honestly?
I did
But I'm okay now, because last night I smiled soo hard too
I smiled soo hard
I smiled because cancer cannot make my friends abandon me
and it cannot **** my spirit
Cancer cannot do the things my God CAN do.
It cannot heal me yet every day I am feeling better.
The cancer in my chest is totally unable to beat the strong faithful dancer in my blood
and I smiled for all these things because no matter how many times I get down
they can't beat how often I am up because I am blessed and my blessings outweigh the stormy flood.
I cried soo hard last night man, I cried soo hard
But I smiled too.

Here's a poem that I wrote the other night at late o'clock while working my usual midnight shift. Personally I think this is one of my best pieces because I usually don't write stuff like this, I call it "sappy" haha but thats just because I'm such a boy sometimes. Anyway, I like this because I'm a little less inhibited in this piece and you guys get to catch me being girlie. Hope ya like it.

I WANT LOVE. I want late o'clock conversing that leads into morning. I want your aspirations to become ours. I want to lay in the security of strong arms and broad shoulders.
I want good days and bad days and great days and drama and I want love.Love thats deep and blue with strings and knots and ropes and braids and faith and trust, you know?
I want my own key for cloud nine.
I want love recursive because it's too close to perfect not to do it again.skin meeting skin.
hands meeting hips
Lips meeting lips feet in the air and locs in the wind.
Love that embraces what I embrace and you embrace and the differences between them.
I want to study the map in the palm of your hands and follow it and create new destinations. I want the painting we'll create when our complexions are twisted together, then another and another.
I want altruism, recklessness, spontaneity, pure concentrated freshly squeezed love with extra pulp.
And I think 'pulp' is an ugly word but I want love so good that I just might wake up one morning and write a song for pulp because all o'sudden everything's beautiful.
I WANT prayed-up non-perverted divine order love.
Love that ascends and evolves; that challenges scientists, intrigues mathematicians, and inspires artists. I want love, and as far as I'm concerned that is the only way it comes.
Sharde' Fultz 3:56 am Aug.31 @wk

I back track my steps until once again i feel cold pavement on my heels and the dewy grass has retreated to once again stretching to receive the sun. I bump into the same glass door, the *** still warm as though i had just let go if it, it jabs me in my side forcing me to acknowledge my collision as I face the transparent barrier to what I once thought was home. Its so smoky in there that I can hardly recognize the countenances of my old friends; greed, lust, hate, ******, drugs, envy. I shake my head squinting to read their name tags but the air is too thick for oil stone to sharpen and they're so busy till I realize they don't see me right there. staring. I want to say hi, tell em' the world is cool they shoulda' wisened up like me. All I did was tell a lil white lie but if you're like me, and you wisen' up, you too my dear friend may smell the crisp scent of the greener side. And boom there I was back with my crew. Formerly known as lies, my tag clearly now says pride.

Don't  leave me
Don't toss me aside
Pretend you care
Pretend you need me
Pretend you want me
As much as I...
As much as I want
you
As much as I  want you to.
As much as I want you to want.
Me.

Quiet crickets.

Quiet light of moon

Quiet cars along the road
--Go'n be home soon

Quiet AC on too late
Quiet humming charger in the outlet
Quiet bathroom 'cross the hall, water dripping from the faucet

Quiet floors while set'ling in
You're too old for all that whinin'
Quiet creatures awake before the sun
The signals when it's shinin'

Quiet indistinguishable shadow still yet so foreboding
Oh, you're just a pile of clothes that I never got to folding

Quiet drafty window singing with such vigor and such soul
Catch a chill from that night air
Might catch a runny nose

Quiet thoughts-that handsome stranger, worries, deadlines, dreams, 'n stuff
Quiet bedtime playlist streaming
Clearly you were'nt good enough

Quiet poem bursting from me my
Admonition of defeat

quiet quiet.

too much quiet-

quiet, would you let me sleep?

2:46am 8.30.18

within this 26 years of living
within this life
a lot has transpired

within the past 5 years
within this vessel
within this structure of flesh and bone and muscle

a lot has transpired

the end result; a new being
is confounded
a cacophony.
of how my experiences have molded me.

reluctantly.

A lot has transpired.

I keep running, running, running
A young girl trying to find her place in the world
A grown woman trying to be respected for who she really is
I look back at the past and
Down on the present
And hope to God that the future gives me something to look up to
Family curses trink’ling trails of hate in my blood
Reminders of loved ones who were hurt by ones they loved once
Inspirations inspiring me to keep chasing my dreams but reality is …reality
I wake up and wonder what proactive thing I can do today
But reality is reality.
And reality smacks me down and says “nothing”
I’m not a pessimist but I bear a weight with the wield of the world as its stamp
Its not on my back but its on my sisters’ back. It not in my home but its in my brothers’ home
Reverberating in my mind the terrible wonders of the world
Feeling ignorant, not knowing how to help
I read the world news to find out what to do
And lo’and behold a “disabled puppy can only walk in circles”
WHAT?!
Darfur must be a myth and I guess AIDS isn’t “in” anymore
I keep thinking..wait till I’m established
Wait till I’m out of this rut
My life will be holy and pure and intelligent. giving and tithing and..happy and busy…and.. **** and rich?
Cause that’s how it should be right?
Confusing
Why cant I be a soul sistah with locs that likes to listen to rock and give spoken word wearing knit hats and demanding answers? Then go home and maybe watch some anime.
I’m conflicted
I’m disdainful
I’m selfish
I’m vehemently out to get what I want because my forefathers died trying to get it for me
And you know what? I’m gonna get it, because while all this crap goes on in my brain and in my heart , in my family and in the world. Its going to stay at my heels because I keep running, running, running

Some people only open the door
to slam it harder.

I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but I enjoyed basking in the the thought of you
Two different points of view

But in derision I let you see my blues
And reds
And greens
And blacks

I shared my entire box of acrylics
because you always interpreted my work so well
With you I felt
relaxed.
And free to be all my different hues

I should have known better than to let another medium ruin my piece.
My peace.
Disturbed
Excited and shaken!
But we were never a "we" or were gonna ever be
You never e-
'rected
a piece in my name
Through my pleas...
please.
Instead
that work was hers
And I a welcomed muse
You found your
inspiration
Through me
lock up all my colors.
And toss away the keys...
Maybe we both were being used.

I decided I'm goin in.
Yall dun' slipped up and left me with a pen.
It seems lately I been under-drinkin'
Over-sober over-contemplating what's been really happening.

I'm usually a lot more subtle.

I give the benefit of the doubt like I'm a Catholic priest absolving ******' sins.
Confusing my honesty for reckless abandon-in
To your chagrin, just hecause you're unable to comprehend.

You don't move through this world in the shoes I'm in.

I bet no ones ever called you a sub-human.

Did that election make YOU question all your caucasian friends? Their motives, their thoughts, biases,
Lookin for Microaggressions?
Now those relationships are withered at the ends and it depends on larger hearts and open minds to try and mend and re-begin?
Because someone you love insulted ALL your kin.
Supporting someone who blatantly hates them.
Tunnel vision.Could only see what they wanted Sanctity of life only applies to babies aborted
Christians were thwarted!
How someone with a thumbs up from the Ku Klux have anything to do with what the Lord did?!

Granted, the deed is done and hey the truth is out!
They were wolves in sheep's clothes till the Pres. Came out
in broad daylight
He basically made it awright
to grossly generalize a race AND do so in plain sight
Now ALL the racist crazy folk are poppin  at the mouth.
On social media like the 50's in the segregated south,
Spewing hate behind a screename sittin' on they mama's couch
'cept we millenials are rowdy and we'll roll up at yo house.
How's it 2017 and we still schoolin' folk?
Gotta tell you Black  lives matter cause you actin like we dont.
In retrospect, it was for the best cause now we ALL woke!

Lost in thoughts so wisely I'll take sure advantage of this time
I'll milk it, I'll juice it. For all its gracious goodness
I'll  pour it out
And watch it create streams in the soil of my soul
And nourish the groves of my thoughts exhausted vines
Synapses
Snaps
Sparks and flames
My brains in waves of emotion and tortures
Ambivalence nagging my rights and my lefts
My ups and my downs
Swirling round and round in this colorful garden.
The sun sets in the distance leaving a purple blue sky
Then darkness all but the whites of my eyes
And the fruits
And the flowers
In the garden.

My mind.

You make me smile somewhere deep
Where I'm more me

I want to believe I haven't lost it
That THING
That thing that makes me feel like
im really doing something
Lile these aren't just words thrown together
Or intended to rhyme
Or too deliberately "deep"
But that thing that once you're done
You're proud. But not too proud.
It stands alone
Yet you always feel it's just a little unfinished.
But you dare not touch it.

I want to believe I still have that thing that's real
That I haven't let time and hardship harden a gift that was born in me once upon a time when I thought the world was a different place

A time that has begun to feel like someone else owned those thoughts
Lived the feelings that bore those inspirations
When those words came from the what ifs
And hubris
I want to believe that thing is still there
And still precious.
And while today it knows what life has carved me into
That it too was being carved
And can place these words together
In such a way that I know it's true
And its mine

Kept sittin my notebook by my bed like I was about to write
Thought it would motivate me
All it did was make me feel guilty every night
Sittin there mockin me
Making me feel like less than myself
Like I lost all my artistry
I didnt start cause I didnt believe in me, honestly.
Like if Im gonna write it has to be special
It has to say something
Be visceral
Prolific
Live beyond my life expectancy
Be better than my last piece of poetry.
So I didnt.

And it sat there.

it comes and goes they say. Bringing life to awkard ways. Stimulating awkard minds on lonely days. wastes away in intrinsic minds,repressed.
hapless beautiful thoughts used as insipid grumblings in a harvest without seed.
It is a must.a need.a gift
times' vacation, times' digress.

singing* You just called me, "Beautiful."
Now you've got to be mine foreverrr.... (2x)
--repeats in background for duration of poem--
  You just called me--
I hate that it's so easy.

Now you've gotta be mine  foreh--I hate that its so easy to please me
when you say things
that makes me think that you see me
as who I want to be
and the way you say it,
it -it touches me
I'm naive
-
-
I want to believe
-
-
-
-You just called me...
I want to trust you
I want to believe your intentions are true
and its not me in a fantasy
but its you just
-
-
-
being you
you just called me beautiful
All you did was call me, "beautiful."
but your words spoke to my soul
cause I know you know things about me that I don't like to show
and I think you've dug something up in me
that was unknown
and odd
and free
and foreign
-
-
-
now you've gotta be mine foreh--*
and willing.
and unencumbered
-
-
-
-
-
-
You see? Now you've gotta be mine
cause I'm too fragile
-
-
I'm too exposed
you can't break into my heart
and unlock all these doors
that've been guardin who knows?
-
-
no, this is a two person job
-
-
you shoulda watched how you talked.
-
-
and now you're mine.
you gotta be mine.
you gotta be mine.
you gotta be mine. *repeats till fades out