within this 26 years of living
within this life
a lot has transpired

within the past 5 years
within this vessel
within this structure of flesh and bone and muscle

a lot has transpired

the end result; a new being
is confounded
a cacophony.
of how my experiences have molded me.

reluctantly.

A lot has transpired.

You hold your deepest darkest secrets
You tuck them deep within
They hold your insecurities
They hold your guilts
Your sins
You tuck away the little things
Although they're small and trite
Because they are embarrassing
And others may not like
You hide away those thoughts you have that question your ideals
You drop them in that secret hole
To forget the way it feels
Those fragments of your fragile mind
Unorthodox and curious
You joke about it with your friends
When underneath you're serious
The road of introspection winds
with "stop" and "yield" and "caution" signs
To trust is to be vulnerable
To unveil the inconspicuous

What does one do when so compelled?
When that dark hole succumbs and swells?
When it begins to manifest itself
In snide remarks
In violent yells?
And what of the peculiar sort?
That only you yourself may hurt
If driven from that deep down hole
Might shake your world

Your very soul?

No wherewithal
How would you fare?
You can see the judgement
You feel the stares
Your mouth is dry as you're standing there
Undressed but fully clothed?
its possible that we share this fear
An outpouring of whats been repressed for years
To fall on uncompassionate ears?

My whole world would unfold.

some of these thoughts  
Some of these feelings
Sneak up on us without revealing
An answer or a premonition
And we need those
...Because we're human...
So its scary to come face to face
With that which feels so out of place
And try to figure out all on our own
If this feels right, if this feels wrong
But I digress to finally say
Hopefully you're able to one day
Dislodge some secrets from that pit
Before it swells

Just empty it

You have to find a caring ear
That's empathetic to what they'll hear
That can handle the grey, the fog and confusion
And help clear the waves of disillusion
To get some things from off your chest
And give your mind some well due rest
It's such a relief
Such comfort
a wealth
To for a moment
be fully
your unadulterated
Self.

I wish we didn't get along so well
I wish you didn't understand me so well
I wish you didn't express your feelings so well
I wish I didn't like you

I think we could work if we weren't so messed up
I think I could try if I weren't so f'd up
I think it's a waste for me to even 'fess up
it's just not something that I would do

All these things that are holding me back from exploring,
all these fears that prevent me from trust.
the emotions I feel-- an unwanted outpouring
this is new
'seems I cannot adjust

I'm not out the woods yet
but at least I do see a clearing up ahead
sunshine gracefully dancing between the leaves that have shadowed me.
days. weeks. months. years.
What is "time" anyway.
But alas, the sun's rays whispers this one little secret
I spy this, this bit of solitude in the distance
the thick tall trees and brush is thinning
the ground more even
I'm not sure if it leads to the end of this wood, or if it will only offer a brief respite from my tortuous journey
But I'll take it.
I'll sleep there and I'll catch my breath
And I'll thank God for the peace
I'll lay on the solid ground
and hug the space around me
I'll inhale deeply and digest this rare moment
then back onto my journey
and if it proves to be the end I'll take it
and if I find myself back in the wood, I'll look forward to another clearing.

One day you'll be sitting there
Thinking about me.
And I'll be somewhere,
Doing the exact same thing,
Thinking about me.

I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but I enjoyed basking in the the thought of you
Two different points of view

But in derision I let you see my blues
And reds
And greens
And blacks

I shared my entire box of acrylics
because you always interpreted my work so well
With you I felt
relaxed.
And free to be all my different hues

I should have known better than to let another medium ruin my piece.
My peace.
Disturbed
Excited and shaken!
But we were never a "we" or were gonna ever be
You never e-
'rected
a piece in my name
Through my pleas...
please.
Instead
that work was hers
And I a welcomed muse
You found your
inspiration
Through me
lock up all my colors.
And toss away the keys...
Maybe we both were being used.