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Shady Teddy Aug 2018
From me
To myself
       You deserve better.
Shady Teddy Jan 2019

Am listening to my heart
And its full of echoes
Echoes of memories of truth
Yet i live in a world of pure deceit
I once was full of vigor
And earnest zeal to fight
But now am a shell
Ruins
A remnant of my former self
Hardened by the scorching life suns
I miss my younger self
That guy had his life  figured out
People think am smiling
But all I do is open my mouth a little
To catch breath when am suffocating inside
Yet I laugh hard and loud
To convince myself that all is well
I dare myself to walk straight
But their eyes betray what they think about me
Yes I am a lot of things to a lot of people
A clinician who gives hope to some
A miserable resilient friend
The guy with a broken engagement
That dude with expensive taste
A relentless prayer worrior
The heartbreaker
But as I said before
Its what I am to them,
And honestly speaking
I  don't know who I am anymore
I used to have my life drawn
Now I don't even dare sketch it
I have not yet given up
But am also not sure I care anymore
Now am just a perpetual procrastinator
I have been shrinking daily
And now my skin is buggy
Sometimes I feel like shadying it off
I am a disappointment to myself
Ever busy yet achieving no result
Sometimes I get busy in bed
Not in the way you are thinking
I get busy summoning energy to wake up
And that takes some time
See I fell in love some day back
Guess I fell alone
She keeps me  busy marktiming
But hasn't allowed me to march
We I need to move
But she tells me to wait.
But what is she waiting for
She still lies to me with a straight face
And she isn't sorry for that
If she doesn't want to let me go
Why not march with me
If she doesn't want to march with me
Why keep me marktiming with her
Honestly am tired
And am letting go now
Am letting go of everything
And am picking up my pen again
And dating my paper into an everlasting poetry
Meyhem, stuck, love, heart broken, desolate
Shady Teddy Jul 2015
I probably don't remember everything
about my first day in college
or the fisrt time that we met
sometimes i even forget
the date my birth is celebrated
.
but for that day i rember everything
from your low heel black strap shoes
sounding the beat everytime your
feet touched the ground
as you walked towards me
and there was the glowing white
emanating from your blouse
the matching was impecable
and although
they call me color blind
but even then i saw it
.
then there was your voice
soft and articulate in speech
yet still firm and stern
accompanied by a contageous laughter
.
at first i thought you
were about to cry
that was when i noticed
that natural glitter in your eyes
you had just plaited your hair
it was sprayed and shiny
holding to a pony behind
.
thats when u spoke to me
then i kept saying "ati"
not because you were unclear
but the sound of your voice
was so soothing and comforting
somewhere between opera singing
and a choral verse recital
.
you were still a young girl
but thats when your wings grew
somewhere the july cold
and you flew away from us
we still miss you every august
.
i wish you were here to see
how she has grown since
she nolonger plays with small
dolls like she used to
but i know you are looking
from up above you see us
alot has happend between
and some day i will tell you all about it.
She talks about you sometimes
but i am still unable to explain it all
i dont know if she will understand
i even dont know what to tell her
but if you were here
you would know exactly what to tell her
like you she is perfect
.
sometimes i cry alone
and preffer to be left alone
not because i like being alone
but because its easier
to immagine by myself
what you would do or say in such situations.
fly safe my friend.
and keep passing by
dont be gone too long.
Shady Teddy Jul 2015
Sometimes insomnia induces creativity
*why am i awake at this hour
is it because of what i said
or is it because of what i felt
see guilt is a torment
a feeling designed to disturb
a times we seek for forgiveness
and with repentance we are forgiven
but the guilt of what we did remains
its the devils way of punishing us
see Jesus offered a sacrifice for all time
to atone us of all evil doing n sin
so why do we accept the forgiveness
but choose to keep the guilt..
its because mister Lucifer
is out to make sure that you don't enjoy happiness
so he makes you feel like you have to pay the price
so even in my lack of sleep tonight
i want to pass this important message to you
that there is nothing for you to pay
for the Lord Almighty said "IT IS FINISHED"
that's the day that he paid it all
and now you and i are not only free from guilt
but also free in deed.
Shady Teddy Sep 2018
The time has come, for me to fray
the long lost fortune peace and joy
and i peep all around to see a ray
to give me hope and stop to cry
in the face of dispair, i will still try
it feels like hell and i need to fly

am about to burst and am full of thought
then if she left to me its draught
the touch of her hand and a kiss so hot
swimming basking and the fish we caught
fear and doubt with love we fought
she always escaped to what we ought

then came the insighter and he seemed brighter
taking her out and treating her better
Using a phone when i used letters
things were hard especially with a competitor
forgot me complete together with her litter
it seemed to her there was nothing sweeter

after utelizing the better of her best
he disposed her and then left
she had some pain in the chest
when she came in serch for rest
she was mine but we had to test
to avoid being hung like a nest

A drop of blood and a little buffer
recalled how our children would suffer
if through ignorance our life was vapour
my test was a line and my partners twice
why would life be so very  unfair?
her episode was so shortlived

yet she left me huge a burden
to the kids we had i was both parents
just be cause she wouldn't heed
even doctors advice on adherence
all in all i had to say goodbye
coz she was mine for the time we spent

what i am now going through
is a fruit of ignorance and disobedience
my urge my prayer,
that not one falls into the same
it's so easy to say that,
lets avoid the idea of shame
by first escaping the blame
by keeping ourselfs tame.
Shady Teddy Oct 2014
just forget what i had just said
am sorry that i came a bit late
but i thought that I'd always have the chance
for the sake of humanity
we have been friends for long


remember when we visited river Mathioya
remember all the bashes
and all the good times we had
how could you forget my birthday
and all the fun we had there

he came just the other day
how much do you really know about him
how sure are you he is here to stay
why wouldn't you ask me first
just like you do with other opinions


am sorry if you feel blamed
the fault is entirely mine
i took my sweet time
to mount up enough courage
twice or thrice i have hesitated

so today when i said i love you
when i said that i wanted us to be
when i said that i have known you well
so well that i could take the journey with you
to a future of the unknown
it took me all the energy i could summon
and all the courage i could gather


but i cant change anything now
i should have said it earlier
i should have told you how i felt
i should have let it out

i allowed him to take you for tea
i didn't know he would ask you that
now that you said yes to him
i feel empty inside
i feel like i have lost it all

am sorry it took me long
but if i had the power to turn back time
I'd ask you out the instance we meet
i painted my heart with the colors you like
but now you have a new home

i cry only for tonight
and tomorrow a new journey begins
a wrecking ball for the walls
its time to move on

but how do i move on
when all i have ever loved is you
how could i approach another
while it's you on ma mind
how can i listen to another voice
when yours is ringing in both ears.

i will keep my distance
but i will always love you....
Shady Teddy Sep 2018
It keeps me up at night
Not the pain I once felt
Oh not my neighbours stereo
But it keeps me awake

Not the creviced bedbugs
Not the cold of July
Not the squeeking bed
But I can't sleep

Not the nightmares
Not the pills
Not the ****
A full blown insomnia

Its the cold in my heart with a fever in my body
The ache in my heart with a smile on my face
Feeling of loneliness inside a crowd
The empty soul with a full stomach

Am still suffocating in the oxygen tank
And am drowning in plain air
Sinking into the rock
A scorching sun under the cave

And I can't sleep
Shady Teddy Sep 2018
Life is lived, with hope for better.
when life is dry, God makes it wetter
If then it's cold, He gives us sweater
and no regreats, will come in later
When heavy to bear, He makes it lighter

Problems may come, but just for a while
sometimes are bitter, almost like bile
life is pattern, and problems are tile
leave them to God, mind what's worthwhile
even when long, sometimes like nile
prepare to thank, God in your file

Life is cold, and friends are gold
hearts are bold, but never sold
always thank God, till you are old
some hearts to fold and others to hold
friends and lord, they drive the world

when you are down
they always crown
if you are worn,
they make you own
joy is the noun
even if unknown

Some leave your heart, while others swell
in times of draught, they make a well
with flacid mood, they make it swell
create an heaven and remove the hell
when you rise, everyone will tell
arise and shine, coz now you are well
Shady Teddy Aug 2015
I met her accidentally
Her eyes were still wet
After sobbing and wiping her eyes
She had been hurt so much
Wounded with arrows and cuts
Her heart was still bleeding
Urgently requiring a hemostat
And she was breathing rather fast
She had been running away
Fleeing from her captor
Yes, away from her tormentor
But this wasn’t the first time
She had been wounded before
I could see through her toughened face
Behind the forced smile
I could see the scarred heart
Crops of scars lacing her heart
And she could still afford to smile
She could barely complete sentences
She was weak and drained
By people who promised her love
But ended up taking it away
And now she was scared
She said “they never run out of lies”
They always had a new lie
Or another version of the same lie
And she kept falling for it
Over and over and over again
Each time ending up inflicted
She needed this safe heaven
Someone reliable
Someone reasonable
Someone patient
Someone understanding
Someone who loves God
Someone dedicated
Someone truthful
To write a new chapter in her life
To show her the meaning of life
To suture the heart cut by knife
To clean her infected wounds
That’s the time I met her
A shell of her former self
Left empty on the inside
And scorched on the outside
“amebeat” I heard someone say
which is slang for wasted
I wished I had some love left
But my encounters before
Had left a caution on me
And it was hard to trust
All that was left in me
Was just a few seeds of hope
And that is what I offered her
HOPE
I took her into my arms
And read Job 14:7
And now when I look at her
I see what God can do
Because in her I see me
And I know that she is happy
So I look inside and tell myself
It’s OK to lose everything
But don’t lose hope
And there is hope for you too.
Shady Teddy Aug 2018
I lay on my bed early morning
After having to wake up at 5 am
Not that I wanted my night to end that fast
All I think about is how much of a big mistake
My stupid want for someone was
I should have been a little selfish
Then I would have seen through the pretext
But blinded for a need of someone I didn't need
I got something I didn't want
Then I had to accept
And learn to love something that was a bad idea in the first place
And now here we are
As I radiate in my love for him
I can't help but shed tears
Of how it all hurts
That I didn't know it would be this hard
But pushing forward is all that can be done
For looking back just brings more tears
And when you have the audacity
To call me any day to make yourself feel better
I get to understand
That I'm perhaps the only one
Who cares too much about other people
Enough to forget my own happiness

Today I made coffee
Not sure how that happened
Because I'm allergic to coffee
Then my eyes got to open
And I saw how frustrated I am
Not sure what holds more account to my frustration
But one, two, three and perhaps more men
Are on top of the list

It's time I made peace
With the fact that I was used
And of course duped
Into caring for someone
And perhaps people
Who don't give a ****

Now that you are into my life
My little source of joy
And sometimes frustration
But my love for you
Can never compare to any
Even though I'm never going to get enough sleep
Or time for myself
My love for you will never go away

The other day
Another asked to see me
Not because he would come
But for me, and my baby
To travel and go see him
Not to count the counties he needed us to cross
And hours on the bus
Yet he isn't even sure he wants us
I'm not even sure what to say about him

But now my dear
Its time I  accepted
That I am responsible
For both you and me
And that sleep is a luxury
And that mommy
Is always right
And that's me

Now that the best view
Comes from the hardest climb
We're going to get the view
Not sure when
But the patience and perseverance
Will be definitely worth it
Shady Teddy Sep 2018
Isn't it really amazing
The ability to move on
Like nothing ever happened?
Except, it isn't
Because something did happen
And your ability to pretend it didn't
Is all we see
Because deep inside your eyes
We can see the abyss
Its dark, and deep
I'm afraid my eyes may not see again
Broken hearted, hardened
Shady Teddy Sep 2018
Pain is a natural warning
That its dangerous
And one should keep off
It makes the best memories
Especially after a burn
A new wound
They say love is a pain
But sometimes its recurrent
Excruciating
Such famous salt on wound
Only happens if we care
And cant stay away from
Thats when i realize who you are
My daily dose of pain
Shady Teddy Sep 2018
Dear son,
You are young right now,
And there is so much for you to learn
I have so much to teach you
Like things my father never told me
But you are growing fast
Faster than I actually anticipated
Yesterday was dry
But now its petrichor
Sometimes I wonder if u would understand
If I said those things now
Or should I wait a bit longer
What if its too late when I finally say it
Yesterday you said nothing
Today you asked 457questions
You are growing fast
And I need to know the right time
But since I don't know how to say this
I will just live it
That as you grow
You may watch and emulate
That way I will have taught you
I will have showed you the way by walking it
And when the right time comes
It will only be a brush over
But my son
If the time comes,
And at that moment in time
You find me rested with my ancestors
Just know that I loved you
And yes I am proud of you
And the man you have become
Kindly consult your other Father
He is my guide even now
Never let his word fall
Listen keenly while he speaks
His Holy book is a guide
But if by then I will be
I will teach you all I can
And I will stand by you
I will gladly walk you down
As your choice gets acknowledged
Just like I did with your mother
We would have been better parents
But that was the best we could do
And I hope our best was enough
My son
Learn to respect everyone
Apologize when you err
Have an attitude of gratitude
Complement the good things
Appreciate every effort
And pray everyday
And son,
Take care of your mom for me
Shady Teddy Jul 2015
just forget what i had just said
am sorry that i came a bit late
but i thought that I'd always have the chance
for the sake of humanity
we have been friends for long


remember when we visited the ocean
remember all the bashes
and all the good times we had
how could i forget that wedding we attended
and all the fun we had there

he came just the other day
how much do you really know about him
how sure are you he is here to stay
why wouldn't you ask me first
just like you do with other opinions


am sorry if you feel blamed
the fault is entirely mine
i took my sweet time
to mount up enough courage
twice or thrice i have hesitated

so today when i said i love you
when i said that i wanted us to be
when i said that i have known you well
so well that i could take the journey with you
to a future of the unknown
it took me all the energy i could summon
and all the courage i could gather


but i cant change anything now
i should have said it earlier
i should have told you how i felt
i should have let it out

i allowed him to take you for tea
i didn't know he would ask you that
now that you said yes to him
i feel empty inside
i feel like i have lost it all

am sorry it took me long
but if i had the power to turn back time
I'd ask you out the instance we met
i painted my heart with the colors you like
but now you have a new home

i cry only for tonight
and tomorrow a new journey begins
a wrecking ball for the walls
its time to move on

but how do i move on
when all i have ever loved is you
how could i approach another
while it's you on ma mind
how can i listen to another voice
when yours is ringing in both ears.

i will keep my distance
but i will always love you....
Shady Teddy Sep 2018
I want to have special friends
The kind that complete your sentences for you
The ones that know what you want to say before you say it
Who would know to say
"You're not saying it, but you're thinking it"
Who would know to have a conversation
While saying completely nothing

They would know the keys to my ailing heart
And the perfect locks to my fury
Exactly how to open the gates the self
How to have fun
Uncontrolled fun
Even when we're sitting in silence
To have stupid wild adventures with
To discover new beginnings
To take weird walks with in the wild
Weird conversations about weird things
Teach me things I wouldn't want to know
Things I would love to have been made to know
Shady Teddy Jan 2019
You ask why Ted hasn't been good
Ted has been bleeding
But with no physical wounds
Ted is been broken
Yet sustained no fractures
Ted is been lost
Yet still knows precisely where he is
Ted has been crying
Yet he shed not a single tear
Ted is strong now
Ted is wiser now
Ted has given up everything
but not on himself
All is well now
Am learning to live
With a heavy cloud of air around me
Ballast is evidence of my once strong fortress
So many shells
I used to have a heart you know
But I don't know where it is now,
or what became of it
So I decide not to live in regret,
and learned how to live without one
Newme
Shady Teddy Apr 2018
You want fire
but I specialize in ice,
If that's coffee, I needed some tea,
But if its tea, I would like a coffee,
Its not what we can bite,
but what we can chew.
They tell u to follow your heart,
But tell me if its broken
Which piece do you follow,
And what's the treatment for heartache
When everything tastes different
And all familiar perfumes stink
When all you see in a rose are the thorns
Sit down and relax
Life isn't done yet
Shady Teddy Aug 2018
And walking in it was a pain,
St\rted as a simple *****,
That was the first step,
Then the other foot got in
Landing on scorpion tail
Barefoot i walked
Always hoping for a better step
I had walked in pain far too long
I couldn't go back to the beginning
Mine was a bed of roses
Not the petals but the thorny bushes
I slept in ache and woke in pain
It was hard to quit after trying for so long
And as my second year dusked
Walking away had become easy
Holding on sometimes hurts
Worse than letting go ever would
Even when you walk away
Pieces of thorns remain in flesh
It hurts like hell
And i wish i had quit earlier!!

— The End —