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Julian Oct 2019
darling, no,
the coffee
won’t keep you and i
awake

and the breakfast you just had,
will not fill you.

the sun itself will still shine
but it will not reach
your floors

and the moon
will not win
over the shadows.

it will be striking silence
that greets you
when you make it outside,

and you will find,
the world still turns
without you.

and you'll know that if you love,
sometimes,
you will lose.

prayers will fall
on deafened ears,

no hands will rise
to dry your tears

and life
will keep marching on.

it does not end
when you are gone.

but wait, darling,
a moment,
before you leave.

do not abandon me
to grieve,

do not leave me behind.

because even though the world
might be fine
and all the stars
will still inevitably,
shine,

i cannot attest
to what will be left
of mine.

it is you who have kept
the beats in my chest
and finally,
gave my soul a home.

i know,
i cannot possibly do this
on my own

so stay,
i beg of you,
please stay,
with me.

baby,
without you,
there is no poetry.
#n
Julian Sep 2019
i love her,
more than i ever
will be able to quantify,
and more than she will ever know.

some days,
i need a pair of arms
to fall into,
that feel more like home
than an open door

other days,
i want to be kept
the way the devout
keep their prayers

or the way sinners
keep their forgiveness
pressed in their palms

i've always wanted to belong
to someone
who didn’t need to stay

someone who chose me anyway
in spite of the mess i carry,
and the disarray

this time,
i need this girl,
her,
to be okay
with my weaknesses

And i promise,
i will love her, still,
and i hope,
she loves me the same.

i kiss her,
and she whispers my name
as i do so,
and i hope it won't ever hurt her
to say it

when i pull away,
her eyes glitter
and shimmer
and i hope it stays that way
for always.

she holds me close,
and it feels like home.
#n
Julian Sep 2019
please,
go slow, go gentle,
learn to hesitate,
before you let yourself fall.

before you risk it all,
on someone else,
you must first protect yourself
before you let it all go.

you'll never know
how they will choose to hold your heart.
it could all fall apart
in the palm of their hands.

and then you will not be able to stand
again.

you will be on your knees
begging for their mercy
or reprieve,

you will once again
succumb to your grief
as it carries you home.
you will be left alone,
yet again,
to your own suffering
and there will be nothing
to dry your tears.

you will dissolve,
and disappear,
into your despair,
a penance you will have to bear
as it swallows you whole.

so please, my dear friend,
protect your soul
because it is too precious to break.

i cannot bear to know you ache
deeper than everyone else,

you do not belong on the shelf
i reserve for those that are broken,
as another poem for the lost,
that is too great a cost
that i cannot dare to pay.

go slowly, my friend,
hesitate.
stay.

do not jump and fall away
if someone will not become your wings.

you do not deserve the ending
that comes from the far fall.

you do not deserve to be hurt
at all.
Julian Sep 2019
baby, it is two in the morning
and i have seen every hour
since the beginning of the week.

i no longer sleep,
because there’s nothing left
for me to retain
except for the memories
that ruin me like ghosts
and i am now the building
they haunt.

i am no longer a home,
because home is where the heart is
and mine is where i left it,

in your hands,
broken and fallen apart,
in the spines of books
and the spaces of my letters,
in everything

just so that it isn’t in me anymore.

i can no longer bear it, really.

it is two in the morning,
and the ghosts are stirring
from the shadows of my walls.

i do not miss you at all.

i think.
Julian Sep 2019
you don’t need a drink
but you pour it anyways.

you watch as it pools
in the bottom of your glass,
grimace as the ice cubes
clink together in laughter

it is mocking you,
this drink,

your weakness humors it.

you swallow it angrily
hungrily

it bites back at your throat

you scoff at the burn
and smile around its relief.

you don’t need this drink
but you enjoy the penance
that follows,

it almost condones
your sins,

you almost forgive yourself
for your failures.
Julian Sep 2019
you traded your demons
for ones that are easier to hide

you wanted to get better
and i know, you valiantly tried,

but you also offered them a home
in the hollow of your chest,

you gave them the darkness
and let them rest.

and when they woke
and gnawed on your bones

you fed them your heartbeat
as if you could atone

for all the wreckage
your hands have wrought,

as if you could find the peace
that you have sought.

but they knew, i know,
and they grew in size,

now they live under your tongue
and tell your lies.

i know you are not strong
you are not brave

you grab your shovel,
you dig your grave

and you crawl right in
and close your eyes.

they can keep a secret
and so can you
Julian Sep 2019
as i peered into the darkness
it stared back at me

and in that moment,
i felt everything
and nothing of my apathy

in that moment,
i learned that the void
wasn’t empty.

it just echoed
around the absence
of what i missed the most.

can you imagine my surprise
when i yelled your name
and it replied back to me?

my darling, you are the enormity
of my universe.

you are my end
and my beginning

and everything else in between.

so come home to me, my love,
come home to me.
#n
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