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Pau Oct 2019
ninna,
i meant to say i love you first.

something within me flinched
at the very sound of your name
and suddenly,
everything came to life
all at once.

my love,
i was not prepared
for you.

i think my heart turned traitor
behind my ribs,
and all the phantoms and ghosts inside me
started calling
you home,

i became displaced
in my own bones.
it was as if i did not belong
to my skin,

but, maybe,
i could find peace again
if i was next to you.

life is different
with you in it,
the air is sweeter
to breathe.

i know i am not in such a hurry to leave
when your eyes meet mine.

i believe the universe realigned
to keep you at the center of it all
and oh, indeed,
i was helpless,
to stop my fall.

the rest of the world
seemed to fade away.

darling, i meant to tell you i love you first,
but it sounded a lot like
stay,
i'm yours.
#n
Pau Oct 2019
darling, no,
the coffee
won’t keep you and i
awake

and the breakfast you just had,
will not fill you.

the sun itself will still shine
but it will not reach
your floors

and the moon
will not win
over the shadows.

it will be striking silence
that greets you
when you make it outside,

and you will find,
the world still turns
without you.

and you'll know that if you love,
sometimes,
you will lose.

prayers will fall
on deafened ears,

no hands will rise
to dry your tears

and life
will keep marching on.

it does not end
when you are gone.

but wait, darling,
a moment,
before you leave.

do not abandon me
to grieve,

do not leave me behind.

because even though the world
might be fine
and all the stars
will still inevitably,
shine,

i cannot attest
to what will be left
of mine.

it is you who have kept
the beats in my chest
and finally,
gave my soul a home.

i know,
i cannot possibly do this
on my own

so stay,
i beg of you,
please stay,
with me.

baby,
without you,
there is no poetry.
#n
Pau Sep 2019
i love her,
more than i ever
will be able to quantify,
and more than she will ever know.

some days,
i need a pair of arms
to fall into,
that feel more like home
than an open door

other days,
i want to be kept
the way the devout
keep their prayers

or the way sinners
keep their forgiveness
pressed in their palms

i've always wanted to belong
to someone
who didn’t need to stay

someone who chose me anyway
in spite of the mess i carry,
and the disarray

this time,
i need this girl,
her,
to be okay
with my weaknesses

And i promise,
i will love her, still,
and i hope,
she loves me the same.

i kiss her,
and she whispers my name
as i do so,
and i hope it won't ever hurt her
to say it

when i pull away,
her eyes glitter
and shimmer
and i hope it stays that way
for always.

she holds me close,
and it feels like home.
#n
Pau Sep 2019
please,
go slow, go gentle,
learn to hesitate,
before you let yourself fall.

before you risk it all,
on someone else,
you must first protect yourself
before you let it all go.

you'll never know
how they will choose to hold your heart.
it could all fall apart
in the palm of their hands.

and then you will not be able to stand
again.

you will be on your knees
begging for their mercy
or reprieve,

you will once again
succumb to your grief
as it carries you home.
you will be left alone,
yet again,
to your own suffering
and there will be nothing
to dry your tears.

you will dissolve,
and disappear,
into your despair,
a penance you will have to bear
as it swallows you whole.

so please, my dear friend,
protect your soul
because it is too precious to break.

i cannot bear to know you ache
deeper than everyone else,

you do not belong on the shelf
i reserve for those that are broken,
as another poem for the lost,
that is too great a cost
that i cannot dare to pay.

go slowly, my friend,
hesitate.
stay.

do not jump and fall away
if someone will not become your wings.

you do not deserve the ending
that comes from the far fall.

you do not deserve to be hurt
at all.
Pau Sep 2019
baby, it is two in the morning
and i have seen every hour
since the beginning of the week.

i no longer sleep,
because there’s nothing left
for me to retain
except for the memories
that ruin me like ghosts
and i am now the building
they haunt.

i am no longer a home,
because home is where the heart is
and mine is where i left it,

in your hands,
broken and fallen apart,
in the spines of books
and the spaces of my letters,
in everything

just so that it isn’t in me anymore.

i can no longer bear it, really.

it is two in the morning,
and the ghosts are stirring
from the shadows of my walls.

i do not miss you at all.

i think.
Pau Sep 2019
you don’t need a drink
but you pour it anyways.

you watch as it pools
in the bottom of your glass,
grimace as the ice cubes
clink together in laughter

it is mocking you,
this drink,

your weakness humors it.

you swallow it angrily
hungrily

it bites back at your throat

you scoff at the burn
and smile around its relief.

you don’t need this drink
but you enjoy the penance
that follows,

it almost condones
your sins,

you almost forgive yourself
for your failures.
Pau Sep 2019
you traded your demons
for ones that are easier to hide

you wanted to get better
and i know, you valiantly tried,

but you also offered them a home
in the hollow of your chest,

you gave them the darkness
and let them rest.

and when they woke
and gnawed on your bones

you fed them your heartbeat
as if you could atone

for all the wreckage
your hands have wrought,

as if you could find the peace
that you have sought.

but they knew, i know,
and they grew in size,

now they live under your tongue
and tell your lies.

i know you are not strong
you are not brave

you grab your shovel,
you dig your grave

and you crawl right in
and close your eyes.

they can keep a secret
and so can you
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