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i.

I intentionally failed to wish you
a happy birthday this year,
though I know significant dates,
hours, moments, people,
by heart.
I still search for you in boys
I mistake for bandages,
the ones with eyes almost
the same shade of your hazels,
lips resounding your laughter,
resembling a wisp of your smile,
But they aren't you.

ii.

Sometimes I pretend you're dead,
because it's less painful
to stop reaching out into voids.

iii.

My mom still blames you
for everything that preceded that year.
Though you probably had no idea what happened
when we stopped talking altogether.
Can you believe it's almost been three years?

iv.

My dad wonders who was my 'one that got away'
Though, I'm pretty sure he knows
it's you.

v.

Remember how I mentioned Sylvia Plath?
How most everything she wrote
brimmed with melancholy?
How I loved every single word?
Especially that piece
where she talked about expectations
and disappointments.
You'll never know that
up to this day I still think
people are selfish enough to
always, eventually turn into the latter.
Even you.

vi.

It's sad I never got the chance
to tell you about Ted.
How she loved him so much,
she just had to dive headfirst
into the flames-- burning herself,
what was left of her--
after she found out
he never really loved her
the same way
she loved him
in the first place.

vii.

truth is,
some of us
never learn to accept
the love we think we deserve.


viii.

I don't know if you still read my poems
or if you still think about me,
about us, sometimes.
Every time you fall asleep past eleven,
a part of me hopes you do.
because I always remember you--
in birthday candles, red ribbons,
off-tune voice records, golden arches,
concrete sidewalks, pedestrian lanes,
the last flickers of city lights
softly fading out of the blue.
I remember you
in everything, in everywhere,
in everyone.
It's useless, no matter how much I try to forget.
No matter how much I just want to forget.
I want to forget.

But, how could I?

When forgetting means forsaking
the very memory of you.
Have I already told you?
that I always miss you
on a day to day basis

Have I already told you?
that I want to hold you
in this cold, lonely night

Have I already told you?
that you're all I see
in this myriad crowd

Have I already told you?
how you look so cute
when you wear that smile

Have I already told you?
that I'm slowly falling
out of love; it's driving me crazy

Have I already told you?
how lucky I am that I've found you
my one and only comfort zone

Have I already told you?
that I'm hurt with words you've said
I thought it was me all along.

But, I was wrong.
that's why I didn't tell you
what I feel about you.

Have I already told you?
how lucky that person is
to be loved by you...
I heard a song with a mighty beat,
sung by a woman with a powerful voice,
in a friend of my father's car.
She sang about a crossroads and the devil,
she sang about life.

Then, I heard Fast Car in the same car, I remember vividly.

Many things that have formed me, I experienced at my father's side when he was still walking the earth.
I learned about kindness.
I learned about yearning for knowledge.
I learned how to polish my shoes and clip my nails.

These memories came to bring its clarity in the shower when a song was playing and my mind was running in a maze of reflection.

And now I'm just listening to Tracy again:
                    
                        "All that you have is your soul..."
© Johan Nel 2018.07.12
What if I die before I even get a chance to live my life?
Pagan Paul  Aug 2016
The Poet
Pagan Paul Aug 2016
Take a peek inside his poems
if you really want to know him.
He hides himself deep, immersed
a tiny piece in every verse.

Take a peek and take your time
savour the moment of every line.
Relish the thought of what lies there
and appreciate his soul laid bare.

© Pagan Paul (31/08/16)
.
You blossomed like a rose
Then your petals shrived
Because nobody knows
The pain you have handled

Quick and tidy
Their requests are quite tiring
The emotions you're hiding
The levels can be quite frightening

A quick breath of mild air
You feel you're on the road to nowhere
A sharp second of a cold glare
You feel you're stuck in the same dark layer

Tomorrow you'll wake
To fight another day
Among those who are a storm
To the end, you'll find your way
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