I braced for the sound, the inevitable blast that would deafen my ears and jolt my nerves
they came streaming out in my words
every syllable sounded like rounds from the chamber
as i released my anger
I hate who I become
when you spit your venom and load my gun
the magazine full of thoughts of discontent
shells of spite and resent
your words push your fingers to pull my trigger
itching dangerously close to setting off my uncontrollable rage
I try putting my mouth on safe
holding the rounds at bay
yet they pour out one after another
we're poison for each other
I'm sick, weak in the knees as these words continue to  release each time your words pull that trigger and squeeze
the blowback nearly knocks me off my feet
I hear the distinct buzz of being too close to the boom
in the center of the room
my fingers pointing at you to blame, you're the reason I explode
I'm too weak, these words too heavy to reload
I hate who I've become
when you fill my thoughts with this ammo and turn me into this gun

I'll ignore the symptoms, embrace the syndrome
I'm damaged baby, so ******* damaged, but wouldn't that be so perfect of me to play the victim
I've disavowed the emotions that swell and seek to surge the barriers I so delicately built over this life
Waging war and setting siege with my heart in the dead of night
In the eerie quiet hours when I still hear your voice haunting, pouring through the trees
As if it was evaporated off your breath and swept away in the breeze
I'm nervous, hands shaking violently with discontent
When I replay every word you spoke and decipher what they meant
You reach for my hands as you beg and repent, I can taste the resent
The familiar taste seeping over my tastebuds
as you try and explain your fake love
I would've preferred you never came back at all after what you did
Never apologized never begged me to forgive
Never even mentioned the moment but instead simply left with him
Yet you dragged me back in it, filling my ears with your fallacies, my heart with your promises and my mind with your venom
I'm trapped in your spell, ignoring all the symptoms
So ******* damaged, how did you become the victim?

Her voice was as the sirens of past, the lovely melodies that nearly entranced Homer to a treacherous fate upon the sea
Tucked deep in the mountains the ocean was far from reach, yet her voice still called out to me
Subtle at first, muffled by whipping winds full of snow coming from all directions
Yet amidst all the ambient noise her voice still garnered my inspection
Flakes of snow shone bright within the cloud that nestled upon us, my headlamp casting an eerie reflection
Her voice cut through the noise yet again, soothing beckoning me to return
Pressing on higher my legs ached and burned
I felt them beg and yearn
For the rest she had offered, a moment to reside upon this ***** steep and unsteady
My body craved the break, this pack seemed to grow heavy
I pressed on
Praying the metallic clang of my ice axe across the rocks buried deep in the snow would block out her song
The melodic thump of my boots sinking into the snow with every kick step
I could hear my breath
Straining the higher we'd climb
Her voice began to penetrate my mind
I felt uneasy, never ready to face her I always looked higher, finally I took a glimpse behind
There she was beckoning me to jettison into her cold embrace
She had no face, there was no physical form to be had, lost in the midst
I heard her calling out my name, begging for my soul, I hear her calling...I hear the abyss

Remember when these words leapt from my mouth, letters became gazelles bounding across the high plains of my tongue
rolling off my lips like a ship cresting the waves of a treacherous storm ravaged sea
Thrown to and fro, sloshing along the surface with the inertia of 24 years of anticipation pushing them to the edge
Anxiously awaiting to be propelled into the open air, like bullets in the chamber of the rifle itching for the pull of a hair-pin trigger never being depressed
Remember when the similes that ran within me flowed like the mighty Mississippi, etching away at the banks running from the spring of my mind to the delta of my fingertips
pouring upon the page as if each finger became an estuary for my passion
Remember when the discovery of new words left my mind racing, searching for the synonyms that fit every aspect of my emotions at that precise moment
Perhaps the night required the depth of more enchanting words to shed light on my thoughts that the moon could never replicate
Whereas the day needed the lightness of my carefree views to float on as clouds casting shadows to provide the shelter you craved
Never fulfilled unless the expression of my soul was understood beyond pages and ink, splattered for your enjoyment
Remember when I never needed poetry because the life I lived was art in itself
Remember when I felt fulfilled with who I had become
Remember when...

Scratching at the surface, a mass of desperation weighing over my gentle soul
yearning, scraping trying to dig out of this hole
I'm scraping to make it out of this whole
pieces of me shed with my every thrashing, every movement comes with a struggle
pieces strewn throughout my life, never amounting to a puzzle
forward progress is my dream within it all
yet there is never a climb without the fall
no descent worth noticing, no downward spiral out of place
A part of me breaks with every brief glimpse of that face
Walking through the halls of worn images and depressed portraits
finally realizing they are all mirrors
the only surface that could reflect the reality clearer
nights plagued with restless thoughts and dreams out of reach
reaching for the surface, hoping these hands can finally breach
the veil that shrouds my forward motion
drowning in my failures, a soul just drifting in this ocean
every step comes with it's hesitation
a constant testament to my self will and patience
a train to my future always late to the station
leaving me anxiously waiting
staring down the tracks of my past
listening for the humming droning of the steel bars scraping the electric rail, sizzling and popping in the late summer evening
Waiting to depart, finally leaving
On the platform, ticket in hand, bags upon my shoulder
I never saw myself growing up, I never wanted to get older
Never asked for much, never yearned for more than stability
All scales must return to level, just wondering when they will for me.

The weight of the world weighed heavy
She was a modern day Olympus feeling the pressure cracks of a spherical burden
Bearing the full brunt she winces yet sheds no tears
Her plight remains silent in the deepest recesses of the night
Hers and hers alone
She confides in the stars
Polaris her guiding light
As she sets her sights to the heavens
Letting Orion aim his bow and fire arrows at her rigid frame
She moves for nothing
Steady as the mountain she holds out through wailing winds and piercing rain
The weight of the world heavy but never enough for her to bear
Her eyes shone back the light of the moon
Merely a third party reflection of faded sun rays
She let the tides of seven seas and 24 years of misery swell in her stare
Breath crisp yet labored at the reality of it all
She remains awake silent waiting on the sky to fall
Bearing company to her closer than anything she ever knew
She'd hold the world forever just to give it all to you...

The wailing winds sear their caress in my memory
The cold of an eastern Pennsylvanian winter
Stinging yet rejuvenating, surrounded by ubiquitous gusts
This place is sacred, this hallowed ground
My toes rocking on top of the semi frozen hillside
Staring out across a chain or rolling hills and deciduous forests
Trees packed so densely together I see only one ever extending canopy of leaves
Seamlessly shifting colors as if on a whim
I feel small in this moment
Amidst the grand expanse of nature that has humbled my soul
The mist and lingering breath pouring from the nose of a horse tamed yet yearning for the open pasture
The clouds that soak up the pinks and blues of a setting sun
The wailing winds seared into my memory
I am home I am home.

Cast your wishes to the wind
Launch your desires to the sea
Throw your emotions to the ocean
Set your most intimate aspects free
Most of all, leave your secrets safe from me
Baby, I'm an anchor
rusted steel exposed to the seaward breeze
aching to race from the sun to the darkest depths
pulling you under in my selfish plummet
there's no escaping the salty abyss I'm rushing towards
You see the bottom suits me, beautifully
perhaps for the bottom is nothing new to me
dwelling out of touch from the sun's rays
never yearning for the warmth of another to rouse me from the darkness
for perhaps the bottom was always meant to be home
rusted steel set perfectly in the moondust sand of an ocean's farthest depths
so cast your wishes to the wind, never tied to the chains linked to me
Baby, I'm an anchor
I was never meant to be
soaring in the winds, together with you set free...

I find myself tormented at night
eyes bloodshot staring at the light
pupils drying out, attempting to remove your image so perfectly painted on my eyelids every evening
no matter how many tears rush out, your watermark isn't leaving
dreams destined for nightmarish turns
as the light dries and burns
the windows to my soul
that you seem to have taken hold
claimed stake
in the dreams I create
tainted every release I find in these sheets
with altered memories and distorted perceptions
I let my mind's projection
paint the perfect image of your essence
yet time and time again I fail to see my presence
I see the hands of a man
running along the skin that I once embraced so dearly
the image blurred at first, comes together so clearly
as you draw near to me
his hands defiling the trust
between us
as you utter his name in the same sacred tone
you used for mine in our home
I feel myself tormented at night, destroying the image of you all alone
only to find myself in the same struggle, when the moon comes around and the night draws silent
hoping and dreaming to remove you from my eyelids

She said "how do you have the audacity?!"
I felt her words, tearing, blasting me
words cut like shards of glass to me
as if desert sands beating on my weathered skin
I feel her composure wearing thin
water droplets become the tell tale sign in her eyes swelling
hands violently flapping in the air in tune with the yelling
her motions far too compelling
bringing troubled thoughts to my eager mind
eyes search to find my way out
no neon arrows point to my escape route
I must bear the brunt
of what I had done
never expected her to try and tear down the sky above
When I finally, after so many years expressed to her my love...

Sensory overload the memory of your skin leaving my fingertips tingling when we'd touch
the same as when my fingers would slide along cardboard in a rush
all pins and needles, as i shake my hands violently attempting to revive the feeling of longevity
your smile was enough, it's own wordless brevity
expressing all it needs in so little motions so few muscles twitching and constricting to put it on display
a thickness in the air, hanging absorbing all the white noise beyond what you mean to convey
it all fades to background, the swaying of trees, the rustling of leaves
even the world beneath my feet fades when you look upon me
eyes set, fixated and true in their stare
gripping, ripping through to my soul bare
I stand still in awe, fingers trembling, tingling all needles and pins
everytime I find myself remembering your skin...

The familiar wrenching in my gut when you speak of love
The acidic burns and aches I keep bottled up
Become a flashflood
Rushing through my veins, poisioned lines constricting and forcing my extremities to spasm
You cast your words fruitlessly into the chasm
The indescribable void that lies before us
My hands scraped and bloodied from tearing down the nails that keep your heart boarded up
I can never break through the barrier you have erected
I leave myself vulnerable to your outlashes, you remain overly protected
Sheltered from the reality that is the extension of my love through every action
Every emotion you stockpile and ration
Maintaining a craving in the depths of my essence
For your ill fated presence
You bask in the symphonies that expel from my eyes gazing
Hear the strings and percussions playing
Without every fully repaying
Any emotional debt you may have accumulated over time
Fingers dancing along every line
I have written vast and true as the moon above
Yet I feel the familiar wrenching in my gut when you speak of love...

Eyes slam shut tight, french doors with frosted glass only the harsh lights peer through thin eye lids, images disappear behind the blurred misconceptions
I'm in love with the concept of love but fearful of rejection
scared she will have keen senses, ample for the detection
of a life without direction
I slam these eyes shut praying she won't catch the hint of whiskey on my teeth chattering
I am a stones throw from entertaining but a star's trip from flattering
As my fidgeting nervous hands are tearing and tattering
the napkins on the table, fingers delicately dance along the coffee creamers racing for the spoon
pretending she reminds me of anyone but you
but her eyes stare at me the way yours do
she laughs at every pointless joke I make too
her lips curl so perfectly over the coffee mug, pink and full of life, vibrant and smooth
I'm a hopeless, lost soul
aching for control
of emotions that know no master, strings never attached allowing me to pull the puppet to it's proper place
I know it's written across my face
letters of your name mix around and re-arrange
eyes slammed shut because the ache of knowing she's just rushing through my heart's void, a winter's draft through a cracked window pane
Leaves me with a void, where your marks will always remain

Sleep eludes me in the presence of these sheets
No matter how I force myself to forget your scent, they keep reminding me
As the table reminisces of the conversations that accompanied our every meal
The brass door knobs always tell me how they miss the way your soft hands would feel
As your eager fingers twisted them quick upon your arrival home
The wooden floors creak and moan
Forever mentioning the lightness of your step
The pillows talk about the warmth of your breath
Even the switches speak of how you would turn out the lights
Before you tucked into those very sheets and kissed me goodnight
Laying still, alone in an empty room
I gave everything away because it would remind me of you...

The memories creep up on me, latching in like vines into the rough weathered walls of brick
growing thick
a tangled mess I seem to find myself all to often caught within
these fingers still remember your skin
how they ache and tremble
feels as if my hands break and re-assemble
into the very shape and mold
I used when I would hold
your hands
The memories creep up on me, tainting my dreams with false hopes of a prosperous tomorrow
I would beg, steal or borrow
the memories of another to wash my mind's sheets clean of the stains you left haunting
I'd wipe it all clear move forward never wanting
the smooth feel of your lips upon my own
The memories creep up on me, every time that I'm alone...

I'd move heaven and earth
Every ounce of paradise and dirt
Every seraphim and cherubim, every hinge off the pearly gates
Force the seas to dissipate
Cast my soul to the prevailing winds, let them carry it to your feet
Take my heart incomplete
Placing the pieces of your heart's puzzle we can't seem to find
Into the proper portions completing mine
I'd move it all, because words fall short and soft on ears beckoning action
I'd paint a masterpiece of my compassion
Using the early evening sky for my canvas blank and waiting
Dip my brush into the sun's beam radiating
Coat the clouds with hues of orange, pink and blue
I'd move heaven and earth
Every ounce of paradise and dirt
To show my love to you...

Let's bury the lovely inconsistencies 
Leave the intimate fallacies to mystery
Then my perception of your passion fits with me
Red brick to mortar 
you laid your deceit in a building order
Despite the inherent wrecking ball tendencies you chose to utilize
Blind to my youthful eyes
Let's brush the displaced fervor for lust under makeshift throw rugs
Void of emotion until you know no love
As exhilarating as the love you left long ago as leaves of dogwood trees in a late Pennsylvanian november
Rigid structures that wait a season to return to the lively form they remember
Bare white bark and dead extremities 
Bare as your stockpile of passion meant for me
The surplus became a short supply when I left your graces
Amidst the sea of faces
You encounter in the places
You replace me to fill the voids and spaces
My memory laced with traces
Of your gentle touch, a cool spring breeze to my sun soaked skin
Recalling the ominous climb before the downward spin
We always seem to find ourselves in
Perhaps the fact the rush of the climb washes my mind of the inevitable collapse
I all too often push the moment from thoughts of past
The sinking in my stomach peaking the point of no return
As I set my eyes to the horizon and watch us burn
In the setting sun of an Middle eastern summer
Your lightning fast decisions to leave never compared to the rolling thunder
That swept over my soul
When you tore the hole
In the hazel eyed sky of my perception
with your ill fated rejection
Casting projections 
Of your likeness in the constellations 
Trembling fingers wait patient
Making comparisons and relations 
Between every aspect of you I savored
To Orion's belt, cassiopeia, ursa major
Every slight shift in its luminous glow
A subtle reminder to me of the love you will never know
Intergalactic representations paint the stage for supernovas
Expunging the lovely aroma 
I grew accustom to
Coming to harsh realizations there's no reciprocal paid in full for the love I loved for you.

Heat lightning paints the African evening sky silent
The light dampened by the bank of clouds light explosions trapped inside it
The dust whipping my face warm and smooth
Eyes set to the horizon with thoughts of you
The distant flashes turn dust clouds from brown to blue
Every instant I'm more and more captivated
As I stand ever so still and patient
Praying with the desert storm the winds will carry you to me
Over sands and seas
Praying it may bring me home into your embrace
I sit still watching light flash from the heavens as the desert storm keeps me in this place
Sands brush my face
Praying a break in the storm a chance to see the moon
A chance to see any glimpse of you...

A wolf never becomes man's best friend when locked away
Gnawing with ****** teeth and gums at the bars of the cage
Never turning to the aiding hands of man
Remaining wild howling and snarling from sun rise to rest
The eerie fog that comes from his breath
As his labored breathing
Lingers in the air of the evening
Heart only beating for three reasons,
Eating, sleeping, and dreaming of freedom
All other facets of life fade into the abyss
Of his existence
Snarling howling, sneering scowling
Aching for reprieve from the metal confines
The same ache pouring from my eyes
For the wolf and I share the same plight
Calling to the moon at night
Wild souls trapped locked away
Never bowing to society's demands trapped in this cage

I remember my life avalanching on a ***** of no particular location worth remembering
I recall the fire of our love fading and embering
The hot coals of your soul turning black with the breeze
That swept over the car as you tore a life apart
I remember wishing to tear out my heart
If I could only take it from your lockbox of love
Where I misplaced all my trust
You would sprinkle on your fairy dust
Explaining how it's best for us
Even how I should've known this was coming
These god forsaken legs won't start running
Better to bear the brunt of your blade slowly slicing two lives from one
I remember my life avalanching on a ***** of no particular location worth noting
I remember you walking into my life but can never recall you going

The sheer magnitude of what hung in suspension above me
The faint glimpses of the milky way galaxy iridescent and lovely
Desert sand the bed I longed for all this time
Trapped in awe I feel the stars shine
Down onto my skin caked with dust from whipping winds
Eyes set to what feels like heaven begging to be let in
Unaware I'm engulfed in it from the dust to silt to the limestone that warms my weathered soul
I can't fathom what holds
These stars above me immersed in their glory
Finally a part of all that lies before me
Never more at home than I am at this instant
Finally seeing I'm not looking at the fabric of the universe but rather I'm woven in it

When these boots return from foreign lands
Covered with worn in dirt and desert sand
Tattered and worn down as the look in my eyes
May you be there, patiently awaiting my
Hopeful return from distant soil and raging seas
May you be there, waiting for me
My uniform faded from days under the sun on continents that are not my own
May you be there, waiting safe at home
My hands worn and rough as leather, but still as gentle as you remember
May you be there, after this long venture
Comes to a close
May you be there, you're all I long to hold
May you be there, should I ever make it home...

This is not goodbye
Dry your lovely brown eyes
That I find mine
So often locked in a stare
Though I'm aware
Of the dangers that lie ahead
Rest peacefully in your bed
Knowing somewhere out there in an ocean vast and blue
I'm riding out the storms, coming home to you
A love that's true
Know that even as the world around me burns
This is not goodbye, I will brave the fires and to you I will return...

I never folded the hand dealt
facing your ice cold poker stare, feeling mine melt
as I knelt
in the pools of water, jeans soaked through
There was always an ace up my sleeve, until I gave it to you
gave you the innermost intimate memories that I held as my last ditch safety net
I never folded the hand dealt, only upped the bet
in false hopes this bluff was enough
to call you all in on your false love...

The mistakes I've made
become the ammunition you stockpile in this emotional arm's race
promises we break
dig at my heart's cave
that I hide in throughout our love's cold war
but it's ventricles
become tentacles
begging that I don't hand it over
grasping at my rib cage
pleading to stay
ripping my chest, waiting on a truce
an armistice in the separation of you...

I've felt the walls of my reality creep in upon me, collapsing like the sand castles of my younger days
felt the very fabric of my essence be sewn together only to wash away
I've felt the sun's over saturated ultra violets waves
splash upon my freckled skin
I've knock on the closed door of opportunity, begging fate to let me in
but fate stayed out late, so I waited on destiny
to take the rest of me
crumpled upon a doormat, waiting on a monumental shift
that until that moment did not exist
fortune favors the bold, but satan favors the cold
desolate misguided eyes of a child waiting
I'm stubbornly patient
when the words dance on the tip of your tongue
I felt the blood rush to my legs as I beckoned them to run
run from the concept of what I had become
felt the walls creep in, taunting them to come...

Home
for the first time, leaving weighs heavy on my heart
a mother's tears to a son's depart
my father's arms warm welcome, and longer goodbye
a brother's tear swelled eyes
a sister's choked up voice, cracking as I take my time of absence
for the first time I knew what that meant
Home
the brick foundation that keeps my childhood from running out the door down those steps
for the first time, my heart weighs heavy as I left...

I stare at her across the bar, between the bottles covering the worn out stained oak
varnish tarnished, wood soaked
from years
of ashed out cigarettes and spilt beers
slopped spirits from over zealous cheers
she's younger than I imagined, aged as a fine wine
her eyes locked on mine
I see the solar system, galaxies
surrounding the
pupils blacker than the abyss of the outer reaches of space
a lovely contrast to the lightness of her face
I pull up a seat beside her trying to spark a conversation
on life, nature, hopes for modern civilization or even space exploration
she says "quiet now my son, patience"
you're to focused on what you're saying
without hearing what you're conveying
her hand pressed to my heart and she said 43 beats I remember
39 when you sleep, but 84 when you're tempered
I asked her the significance
she said it's all about the difference
how my world is at peace when I am asleep
but pointless rage forces the increase
this life can go no faster
and you will know no master
so focused on breaking the mold, or shattering the plaster
when we really need the subtle hand to make the cast first
she said you see me all in your own ways
I saw her as a woman, soft eyes with a caring face
for no man knows the subtle intricacies and nuances that make living worth the fight
I met god in a bar, she walked me home in the beautiful night
we spoke of love, happiness and the pursuit  of this life...

Wandering paths, merely brush pushed aside by eager hands
feet pressing firm on uncharted land
the vantage points of a cliff undiscovered
rustles the passion in me, that I had longed to recover
lost along the way, between the miles traveled and moments marked in my past
I cover the tracks
for home is where I am at the moment
I reach to the sunrise arms spread wide trying to hold it
close to my chest to scare off the winter air rushing over my skin
one foot after the other and I begin
a skyline of ridges and peaks
seem to swallow me
in their lush valleys, rich with soil and trees racing to the heavens stopping just shy
I sit on the ledge of a rock jutting over the valley, this paradise is mine
wandering the world, the way it was meant to be
wandering forever the home always meant for me...

These walls know my past
as does the single malt in my glass
motionless in the eerie dark of a new moon
trapped in the darkness and apartness of you
drown myself in the spirits quicker
tired of hearing the walls whisper
your name
as if every chair's arms now point the blame
at the disheveled heap of the remnants of a man laying in the middle of the room
trapped in the darkness of an apartment I shared with you...

I remember the taste of your chapstick
original flavor plain as you were, a taste insipidly vapid
I remember everything up until our last kiss
that fades into the smoke of memories I burned with your box of letters
cut with the strings of you that had me tethered
disappointment doesn't hold a flame to the fire burning inside me now
I'd wail and cry aloud
but the ocean cares not of the downfall of man
knees dug into the sand
arms outstretched, a shameless attempt at holding the sky
as close as you once held my
body more rigid than it's fragile contents
I remember the taste of your chapstick and I never knew what that meant...

I wish you'd open your heart as often as you opened your eyes
I wish I saw myself more in them, than in between your thighs
I wish your gasps and sighs
came from invigorating conversation
more than physical elation
I wish your skin didn't feel so **** smooth
I wish my hands would deny themselves of you
I wish my lips weren't going through withdrawal
rushing back whenever yours would call
I wish your kiss didn't make me tremble
I wish I didn't feel my heart disassemble
anytime you'd touch me too
Most of all I wish I didn't want you...

My weary heart wades through the carnage of broken promises and sleepless nights
stolen dreams and endless fights
through the mess of slaughtered expectations
torn apart by passionless ****** relations
wasted upon new acquaintances
you used to release your unjustified frustration
when you merely lacked the patience
the butchering of a future, you never cared to let grow
you set fire to the very hopes you once did sow
scorch the earth, salt the fields of romance so they remain a barren desert
kiss him for the pleasure
these burnt eyes have weathered
a storm no scales could measure
tasted the fire of Hades
begging you to save me
as you crave the
physical equivalent to what you perceived to be love not lust
the bloodbath of trust
that forever stains my memory of the life I once did build
your razor eyes cut me down as you stood by while my love spilled...

A moment that will forever make my soul burn to it's very core
taking that serendipitous plunge down the staircase, falling before your very door
I was a mess of papers scattered
elbows scraped and battered
a box of blueberries left the ground covered
a gift meant for another
it was never you, despite you rushing to the hall
answering as if your call
to be my savior
I brushed myself off and thanked you for the favor
your heart was already taken, mine also sealed in fate
I rushed away to the parking lot where my future wife would wait
time dragged on and we never spoke again
until I found solace in you my old friend
he left just like you knew he would in time
as we spoke of this dying love of mine
until the time arose, where she left me empty handed and broken hearted
I felt myself trace back to where it always started
the plunge, but the stairs were nowhere to be found
simply a plunge into a love unbound
I'd give it all to be laying sprawled across the floor once more
helplessly awaiting for my savior, my soulmate to come to the door...

Conjecturing on the intimate remnants of your heart
surmising on the proper way to dissect its parts
delving into the chasm that holds your most private illusions of grandeur
bewildered by the vast expanses, these weathered lips simply stammer
the complexity of the concept left me stifled, mouth failing to make any attempts at offering kind words
as the reverberations of vocal chords became the only sound we heard
ricocheting off the precipices of your heart's unsurmountable walls
useless like hands digging the sands in fruitless attempts to draw
the full force off the ocean from a shallow hole
I stared at the blueprints of your heart's desires failing to find the control
every route on the schematic
seemed as if inner city traffic
flooded with passengers never fulling knowing when they will reach their destination rightfully so, at the center of your attention
as I sketch out the dimensions
factoring in the time it will take to find the route that leads me back to you
I marvel at the resiliency of your heart, then drive straight through
beyond these hallowed walls lies a future I was destined to reach
I shred these maps, light a match and burn all the blueprints of me...

Where were you when it all faded
when my life broken and dilapidated
crumbled under the fire of a setting sun
we placed the stars in jars to light the path we chose to run
begging for the moon to paint the path with it's pending illumination
I set my eyes to the sky for the calming meditation
bow my head to Polaris for remaining still and patient
then blow kisses to the constellations

Yet where were you when it all faded?
When the heavens rained down onto my skin stripped naked
cast into the sea, I am the leviathan awaiting my chance to consume the world
trapped in the bottom of the ocean along with the oysters and pearls
that will one day line the wrists of rich girls
milk white with thick swirls
I'm alone in the ocean, buried 3 leagues
under this sea
bare of all the former traces of me

Where were you when it all faded?
absent from the life you vacated
I place these stars in jars and run through the scattered trees
in search of the path that brings you back to me...

I heard the hiss of a snake
When you asked if I could forgive this mistake
The serpent sound your lips would make
Still fresh with the taste
Of his skin
Hide your fangs in your grin
Your forked tongued fallacies
That drain the life out of me
Black coffee so bitter
As I imagine you slip and slither
Under the covers of another
You'd call us star crossed lovers
Heavy handedly putting  the blame on outside sources
My heart feeling the forces
Of gravity
Tear pull and grab at me
Pinned to this seat
As you taint I love you with deceit
Legs fail me I am trapped from leaving
Heard the hiss of a snake when you were breathing...

Maleable my metallic resolve
bending pliable with each shortcoming or flaw
tempered by the trials by fire I find myself withstanding
shrinking and expanding
under the fluctuation of your patience
steady now, the once shimmering finish that set my cold iron heart apart
finally begins to start
rusting
whenever I'm trusting
the words you spill as water seeping into my exterior, meticulously working grooves
in the battered smooth
surface
watch me oxidize
before your eyes
let your acid words etch away at my forged desires
broken hearts need only the fire
to scorch away the past, molten and awaiting a new love to be forged
broken hearted into the fire once more...

Her eyes spoke volumes, more than her lips meant to divulge
the once warm brown pupils turning a stinging gray cold
piercing my impenetrable walls built around this fragile heart
chipping each brick apart
cracking the mortar, turning rough stone to pebbles
pulling the flowers petals
she loves me not, she loves me not, perhaps I'm forgetting a step
the shortness of breath
left my hands to tingle in the warm july air
she spoke volumes in her stare
her hands restless running through her hair
her smiling lips were the puppets to the eyes anguish filled ventriloquism
I drowned out her words and let my eyes listen...

Your ghost tucks me in, yet never lets me sleep
Your ghost lies awake simply haunting me
Your ghost riles me awake
with the same familiar violent shake
that leaves me breathless alone only wrapped in sheets we bought together
Your ghost hides your letters
amid my stacks of papers
in hopes I find them later
finding them at precisely the moment when your memory has almost been entirely washed away
your ghost remains
leaving trinkets that force me to relapse
to a past
where your ghost never existed
for when you walked out of our life, you forget to take the ghost that came with it...

Longing, aching, yearning
the familiar burning
that begins the tell tale symptoms of the swelling in my eyes
as the year passed by
my emotions changed with the seasons
spring love, became summer's heated arguments finally falling into winter's depression from you leaving
hating you for all the right reasons
simultaneously disbelieving
the truth we shared
soul stripped bare
exposed to the painful memories of yesteryear, plaguing my mind
you came and you left the only constant was time
it was set in stone our paths meant to cross
I never cry because you're gone, just from the time I lost
wondering what all those moments cost
if you could bottle up and sell them would they be worth the time spent
longing, aching, yearning hands full of resent and discontent
begging you to stay was never on my agenda, for that I regret
I spent half the time getting to know you, twice as long trying to forget...

The darkness will never engulf my demons, skeletons ripping at the oak of a closet door
fragments chipping off fragile bones riddling the wooden floor
I keep them locked up, keys buried deep within my very essence
unable to grasp a concise frame of reference
as I'm laying in the abyss counting seconds
6,031......no 6,032
moments spent trying to forget you
before your image shatters my focus yet again
as i place paper to pen
then paper to match
flames fade fast to smoke and ash
letting the smoke swirl throughout the room empty as i feel inside
demons crawling under the floorboards trying to hide
bone fingers turning door handles locked away
I keep them locked up hidden from the light of day....

Cold callous fingertips running their sandpaper touch along the cracked weathered surface of my abandoned lips frozen
meticulously pausing acknowledging every section broken
perhaps it was the suns unrelenting rays under intense focus
perhaps my nervous tendencies becoming visible angst for all to notice
teeth gritting
eye shifting
lip splitting
anxiety
finally arising in the form of trembling hands and stammered  speech
soft words being destroyed by hammer teeth
attempting to shatter any remnant of fragile emotion
mouth spilling out every word misplaced and broken
as if these sentences will never be pieced together for you to understand
so i sweep up every piece in my hands
place them nervously in yours as if you knew what each was meant to convey
uneasy hands just tremor away
returning once more to these quivering lips waiting with their fingers pressed tight to my face
praying no more words escape....

There was an unmistakable hint of stardust
when it came to our trust
among the voids and darkness the light specks came in traces
that filled the spaces
where nothing once existed prior
your eyes would search the skies and higher
trying to explain how the proximity to this fire
that burns within you, wouldn't engulf the fragments of us that remain
I'd spell your name
with the tips of my trembling fingers, against the condensation covered glass of your car's window
and when the wind blows
I'd hear your voice
beckoning me to leave
as we make believe
that all is well, blessing our wealth in time spent and crisis averted
yet no matter how you word it
these heart levees feel the pressure of a current that ten thousand dams
could not withstand
as you break the bands of affection, that once kept us close in turn
I'd see the stardust streaming from our trust, merely ashes escaping the burn...

The innate understanding we were a fragment of a memory
an ash that never became a phoenix
you were the disconnect that existed between us
seconds became minutes, minutes became countless hours
where the black hole of your soul would devour
all the light gleaming from a young boy's eyes so full of desperation of your acceptance
all this time saying your name with the most respectful taste of reverence
regarding every letter with such esteem that I only uttered it when the wind would cease
allowing every syllable to release
with such crisp and pure annunciation, so unmistakable from other words stammered in my speech
I gave you everything, not in the tangible sense of the meaning
every ounce and fiber of my being
now the tears that roll from my weathered cheeks seem as if tokens of a past that never existed between us
I was the ash that never became a phoenix
never thriving in the fires of discontent and a past in flames
I  pray for the wind so I may never speak your name...

In the empty night I long to hold you until I've recognized every subtle movement of the beating heart within your warm chest
I want to count the seconds between your breaths
feel your lungs expand and compress
whenever my hands wrap around you tight
I want to see the light
in your eyes
rise and subside
as the changing of tides
when my eyes set onto yours
I want the floor
to disappear beneath my feet
every time you speak
I want you down to your very essence
In the empty night I crave your presence...

Air thin and caustic
each gasp leaving me a step closer to nauseous
lips taste the reality bitter and noxious
feel every breath taken, leaves me chest riven with anxiety
killing this ache that eats away at the dreams that live inside of me
if eyes are the windows to the souls, these eyelids secure my privacy
smothering the hazel pools from basking in sun ray's, yet these makeshift curtains no match for a fire sky
heart strained reminded of dire times
where I combined
every ounce of energy I could muster into one effort
made my bets and held my breath awaiting my death's ledger
the hypoxic reality that ensued
haunted me with ghostly recollections of you
my restless mind ventured through memories plagued with stinging sensations of uncompromising resent
I factored in my all the time spent
as well as my mind's rent
that you owed, being its only tenant
yet now that all emotional debts seem square, I don't have the heart to spend it
perhaps I'll store it away in notebooks and old pictures, praying the balance accrues interest over time left untouched in this my personal account
in something other than your love and its varying amount
battered hands pain-stakingly surmount
the pile of photos and letters, written with a future in mind
eyes wide, allowed you views inside
air thin and caustic, the light draining from these windows that leave my eyes dull
remain motionless, praying on a change, searching for my revival...

**** your brown eyes
**** your profound lies
No sounds from lips with airtight alibis
**** your Angelic smile with devilish intent
**** your lovely lingering scent
**** you for shattering my dreams for the years to  come
**** you for the tears that run
As you did from my life
**** you for stealing the light
That once radiated from my hopeful eyes beaming
**** you for stealing my heart,  but most of all **** me for believing...

There was a great howl, the undeniable sound of his dreams being consumed by insecurities,
sifting through the filth and grime of his mind, searching for some purity
hands charred and blackened sifting through ashes of bridges burned
prayers that no stone was left unturned
no sweet crisp air unsavored
you could almost taste his thoughts, if anguish had a flavor
looking to the heavens not asking for a savior
praying for the rain, to rinse off the layers of pressure compressing his burdened back
hands meticulously sifting charred and black...