Longing, aching, yearning
the familiar burning
that begins the tell tale symptoms of the swelling in my eyes
as the year passed by
my emotions changed with the seasons
spring love, became summer's heated arguments finally falling into winter's depression from you leaving
hating you for all the right reasons
simultaneously disbelieving
the truth we shared
soul stripped bare
exposed to the painful memories of yesteryear, plaguing my mind
you came and you left the only constant was time
it was set in stone our paths meant to cross
I never cry because you're gone, just from the time I lost
wondering what all those moments cost
if you could bottle up and sell them would they be worth the time spent
longing, aching, yearning hands full of resent and discontent
begging you to stay was never on my agenda, for that I regret
I spent half the time getting to know you, twice as long trying to forget...

The darkness will never engulf my demons, skeletons ripping at the oak of a closet door
fragments chipping off fragile bones riddling the wooden floor
I keep them locked up, keys buried deep within my very essence
unable to grasp a concise frame of reference
as I'm laying in the abyss counting seconds
6,031......no 6,032
moments spent trying to forget you
before your image shatters my focus yet again
as i place paper to pen
then paper to match
flames fade fast to smoke and ash
letting the smoke swirl throughout the room empty as i feel inside
demons crawling under the floorboards trying to hide
bone fingers turning door handles locked away
I keep them locked up hidden from the light of day....

Cold callous fingertips running their sandpaper touch along the cracked weathered surface of my abandoned lips frozen
meticulously pausing acknowledging every section broken
perhaps it was the suns unrelenting rays under intense focus
perhaps my nervous tendencies becoming visible angst for all to notice
teeth gritting
eye shifting
lip splitting
anxiety
finally arising in the form of trembling hands and stammered  speech
soft words being destroyed by hammer teeth
attempting to shatter any remnant of fragile emotion
mouth spilling out every word misplaced and broken
as if these sentences will never be pieced together for you to understand
so i sweep up every piece in my hands
place them nervously in yours as if you knew what each was meant to convey
uneasy hands just tremor away
returning once more to these quivering lips waiting with their fingers pressed tight to my face
praying no more words escape....

There was an unmistakable hint of stardust
when it came to our trust
among the voids and darkness the light specks came in traces
that filled the spaces
where nothing once existed prior
your eyes would search the skies and higher
trying to explain how the proximity to this fire
that burns within you, wouldn't engulf the fragments of us that remain
I'd spell your name
with the tips of my trembling fingers, against the condensation covered glass of your car's window
and when the wind blows
I'd hear your voice
beckoning me to leave
as we make believe
that all is well, blessing our wealth in time spent and crisis averted
yet no matter how you word it
these heart levees feel the pressure of a current that ten thousand dams
could not withstand
as you break the bands of affection, that once kept us close in turn
I'd see the stardust streaming from our trust, merely ashes escaping the burn...

The innate understanding we were a fragment of a memory
an ash that never became a phoenix
you were the disconnect that existed between us
seconds became minutes, minutes became countless hours
where the black hole of your soul would devour
all the light gleaming from a young boy's eyes so full of desperation of your acceptance
all this time saying your name with the most respectful taste of reverence
regarding every letter with such esteem that I only uttered it when the wind would cease
allowing every syllable to release
with such crisp and pure annunciation, so unmistakable from other words stammered in my speech
I gave you everything, not in the tangible sense of the meaning
every ounce and fiber of my being
now the tears that roll from my weathered cheeks seem as if tokens of a past that never existed between us
I was the ash that never became a phoenix
never thriving in the fires of discontent and a past in flames
I  pray for the wind so I may never speak your name...

In the empty night I long to hold you until I've recognized every subtle movement of the beating heart within your warm chest
I want to count the seconds between your breaths
feel your lungs expand and compress
whenever my hands wrap around you tight
I want to see the light
in your eyes
rise and subside
as the changing of tides
when my eyes set onto yours
I want the floor
to disappear beneath my feet
every time you speak
I want you down to your very essence
In the empty night I crave your presence...

Air thin and caustic
each gasp leaving me a step closer to nauseous
lips taste the reality bitter and noxious
feel every breath taken, leaves me chest riven with anxiety
killing this ache that eats away at the dreams that live inside of me
if eyes are the windows to the souls, these eyelids secure my privacy
smothering the hazel pools from basking in sun ray's, yet these makeshift curtains no match for a fire sky
heart strained reminded of dire times
where I combined
every ounce of energy I could muster into one effort
made my bets and held my breath awaiting my death's ledger
the hypoxic reality that ensued
haunted me with ghostly recollections of you
my restless mind ventured through memories plagued with stinging sensations of uncompromising resent
I factored in my all the time spent
as well as my mind's rent
that you owed, being its only tenant
yet now that all emotional debts seem square, I don't have the heart to spend it
perhaps I'll store it away in notebooks and old pictures, praying the balance accrues interest over time left untouched in this my personal account
in something other than your love and its varying amount
battered hands pain-stakingly surmount
the pile of photos and letters, written with a future in mind
eyes wide, allowed you views inside
air thin and caustic, the light draining from these windows that leave my eyes dull
remain motionless, praying on a change, searching for my revival...