He treats me like a Queen,
Still I can’t help but wonder if he will be like you too
Funny how I am afraid of what he might become yet the most comforting place I’ve ever been is his arms.
I look to him for protection yet I fear him and what he might do,
He’s never given me a reason to doubt him but most of the men from my past life haunt my thoughts, spreading lies like wildfire
I run to him, almost as if being attracted by a magnet, it’s out of my control
I cringe whenever he takes his belt off,
I know he would never hit me yet the memory of leather striking my skin like a whip,
My mother’s hands pounding on the door and her dread-filled screams,
lingers in the back of my mind like a nightmare I cannot escape from
Now that I am older it’s easier to understand she knew what he was capable of,
She had been in my position before,
She never told me as a child because I had this glorified image of him,
He was the first man that seemed like he wanted to take care of us and love us,
I viewed him as a father and even called him Dad
He had just loved his alcohol and cigars more than his love for us
I sometimes start to think about what our future children will look like,
But I stop in my tracks because that evil voice in my head asks “what if he turns out like him”?
Will it always be like this, I fear

Stay home, they say.
But my home is no longer a safe haven.
I’m surrounded by demons,
Threatening to destroy me.
They watch my every move,
Viciously plotting for when I fail.
I fall to the floor screaming like a Banshee.
“Leave me alone!”
The demons retreat with devilish grins.
They will be back,
For I cannot hide from them forever.

~sdr

When I was younger the quiet scared me,
Demons running wild in my head constantly.
I’m older now and they cannot ruin me like they once did.
My past demons can no longer touch me,
For I am enough in his eyes.

~sdr

There are nights you leave in such a haste as if I had burned you.
You leave me with no explanation as to what I may have done.
You shut me out of your heart and mind,
Both guarded by soldiers you command.
I try to reach out and comfort you, but it seems I am the one your soldiers attack.
I learn to give you space even if it kills me inside.
Communicate.

~sdr

The things I hated the most about myself,
He loved with every fiber of his being.
Perhaps if he loved them hard enough,
Maybe I would too.

~sdr

How does one fall out of love with someone who was once their entire world?
There was once a time I saw my future with you,
Traveling the world, having kids, eventually having grandkids running around our house.
Now I look at you and all I see is someone I do not know.
You used to be so sweet,
But this world has made you cruel.
I used to think I could never spend the rest of my life without you,
But now I see I cannot go on living like this.
All we are is strangers now.

I may never forget that night that you took what was not yours
But I must thank you in some odd way,
For you showed me who was there for me and who was not when I was at my lowest.
And I have found that cutting toxicity out of my life was necessary.
For if they cannot be there for me when I am  broken, they cannot be there at my peak.