how can u be my motivation
when u clearly only hinder me.
u have been shaking my foundation,
i only hope - some day soon - u will finally let me be.

u have given me demons - carried ghosts that i am terrified to face;
i know that everything happens for a reason - i just wish that those reasons would pick up the pace.

i can't help how my mind makes me feel - the intrusion of thoughts are breaking me down;
i convince myself that they are real -
that everyone would be better off if i wasn't around.

maybe it's the alcohol - maybe it's the drugs,
i can't function without an abundance of the two.
all of my problems were swept under imaginary rugs -
i am so far from gone - idk what to do.

like the *** calling the kettle black:
it takes one to know one.

no need to get your hopes up.
eyes wide - mind closed up.
in the flesh (but u) ghost-up.
u only got my hopes up.

my emotions start to blow up -
watch out for the glo-up.
i didn't mean to get your hopes up..

she only cares if the dope's up -
until then insecurities stay up.
i'm surprised u ain't gave up -
u only get my hopes up.

loud & abrupt,
expecting a come-up,
but u need to come down.
how come i never see u around?
u like to play the role,
but can't wear the crown.
tell me,
how does your pedestal look
from the ground?

your mouth,
it moves -
your words,
no longer profound.
i just need to know
if u still want me around.
i'll always see u as lost -
never ready to be found.
i'm ready to be made new -
on the road to rebound.

I've only ever been physically attractive to most people that I meet,
But when my words have your mind more active,
You give me validation that can't be beat.

Intimate thoughts explored -
Avenues you have yet to travel.
My words seep deeper, pouring you overboard -
The restraints of your mind begin to unravel.

I know that I was meant to inspire -
That much has been quite evident.
Pen to paper: an act in which I will never tire -
My voice, heaven-sent.

I've got a lot that I want to say -
Way too much in my mind to write down.
Distractions and insecurities kept us away,
But understanding and similarities found common ground.

How it feels to not be completely alone -
A comfort I never thought I'd find.
Meanwhile the whole world around us stuck in a phone
As we dive deeper and adventure the mind.

the last two messages you sent
i never even read
i no longer check to see if you've messaged me
since i deleted that thread
i finally had to give up
and see that the relationshit was dead
you made up this false version of me
based off of resentment and thoughts you never said
just know that i'm sorry
i know all of this is still ******* with your head
i feel i did the right thing
i learn to go with my gut now and i've yet to be misled
some days are so easy
while others hurt deeply and i can't shake the dread
a couple times you roped me in
i guess your intentions involved the ego needing to be fed
you're the one who pays in the end
cause i can live with myself and an empty bed

I should have known you were a fraud
We should all hold our applause
Master at manipulation
I couldn't stay in that situation:

Head games, head trips
Insecure, ego slips
Black heart, anxiety dips
Mood swings, personality flips.

Doubt myself, no luck
Insecure, you're stuck
Bad intentions, "easy ****"
Mood swings, better duck.

They went separate ways,
That won't mean that their paths won't ever cross again.

I'm not much
But if you lose me
You'll know it

i'm always trying to hold on to the parts of people that don't make sense, because a part of my soul was sparked from a moment lost in a memory • i stay and crawl back because the power of their flames are constantly engulfed in my brain • i block out what is best for me so i can feel the pain and burn of a wildfire that will only destroy me in the end • ("what if it doesn't?") • there's always a hope deep inside me that they won't hurt me as bad - that i am invincible until they can calm the heat of their storm • can i tame them like they've domesticated my free spirit? there's always that hope that they will soften their blows just for me • our demons play too nicely together, running rampant around the cages we've spent decades molding our cold, black hearts into • all i wanted was a hand to hold and a soul to recognize my suffering, with a promise to never let me go through that ever again • be careful how you speak your hopes and dreams aloud • these fox holes needn't any more prayers • i land on a solid foundation, because it's all i had before you • i'll be stronger than before, knowing what not to do • i no longer have a thirst to learn things the hard way and i'll never stop letting good people love me despite bad people never learning how to.

it's totally okay to go completely insane,
especially if you already know

t h e   w a y

i'll be ******
if i get drunk
tomorrow.

a day's escape
won't drown
the sorrow.

you say you
understand, but hell
if i know.

i'll be ******
if i wake up
tomorrow.

Way too many times
I get lost inside my head,
Remembering those days
Getting lost with you instead.
Losing track of time -
I know I've been misled.
Chasing down those feelings
That you knew I needed fed.
There's no point in dwelling
On words you never said;
No point in building memories
On conversations left for dead.

Quarter-life crisis,
Left at my own devices:
Do you know what ice is?
That **** will take your life, kid.

I will always keep this flame that you've burned into me,
I hope you still have your spark.
I've watched you combust, burn out too fast,
Find new places to run & park.
I know that I'll never truly know you like that again,
That I'll be kept in the dark
Just know that no matter what or how it ended,
You've made a permanent and positive mark.

you can't deny that she put your broken pieces back together.
that's why it's gonna hurt when you have to forget her.
you can run and hide all you want to,
but you can't act like she didn't change you.

i can't ******* sleep • who you were to me is etched in my brain somehow, played on repeat • how did you do this to me? how is your grip so ******* tight? i can't even run away and there's nowhere for me to hide • i worry too much because there's no control • how did you take so much of my soul? you just ran with it like it was nothing • you cut me down like i meant nothing • all those words and your touch like an open flame on my skin burning scars into me that will never heal, and i'll never be the same again • it's so devastating to think about it all being made up • the "fairy tale" we had was real life • you're just so jaded and cynical from pain you endured, and it made it impossible for you to let me love the broken parts • (let me love you) • i swore it wouldn't have been a waste, but you are convinced that i will always be the same • you never gave me a chance and i never gave you a reason not to believe in me • i feel like that hurts worse • i hate that you made me question every move i made and i hate having to constantly prove that my intentions are pure • i wasn't the one who hurt you • i didn't deserve the knives you stabbed straight through my heart with words you could only say when we were far apart • i will say it again so it sinks into your brain: "i bet you could never say that to my face"
•
(i miss you in volumes
i will never speak aloud)
•
as if speaking it into existence will give you back the power • i don't think this is fair • we could have had it all • quit letting your thoughts build up and take away your miracles • you know **** well this didn't happen by mistake • how many more dreams are you going to let your fear and pride take?

i thought i wasn't over it
but i just needed to give you closure -
an explanation of my sickness
and why i had to say, "it's over".

you would think it was your own sickness
that drove me to rediscover mine -
not the ways you would block the door,
desperate for more time.

the way you gripped my wrists
as you threw me on the bed
misplacing the once comforting dominance,
and making a mess of my head..

someone who was once so safe
and so gentle with his touch
turned into a frightening, scary version
of someone i try not to think about much.

i know that wasn't you that day,
or maybe it was you all along;
i try not to remember much about that version of you,
but it was then that you taught me to be strong.

the warmth of us
all tangled in knots
.
i won't be afraid of
what comes undone

He got up this morning
Didn't know right from wrong
He got his shield and walls stacked high
But he couldn't keep them strong.
I told him that he could count on me
But he kept asking me, "..for how long?".

Boy, if I knew for sure
I'd do my best to advise you
But don't go looking for trouble
Cause it sure as **** might find you
Do your best to look forward -
Nothing good is happening behind you.
I'm not your 'manic pixie dream girl'
AND wrote this to remind you

Yeah so I may have ****** (up) a lot
And I may have demons to deal with
But I'm no longer hiding my skeletons
And they're no longer a foolish myth

Yeah you're my water boy
But I couldn't quench your thirst
Yeah I want you - could never need you -
But then again, what could be worse ?
When a woman is so focused on herself
Every man that meets her path is a curse.

Yeah God could play along
But since when was he your higher power?
Cause every time i see you pray
You find more ways to sit and cower
Maybe over the thought of letting someone in -
Into your stone-cold, makeshift tower.

YOU can try and knock me down
Try to break down everything beside me
But you were never meant for war
And that's something that we can all see
Walls & a slew of chemical weakness -
That's all that you will ever be.

I'd get undressed just to impress you
Knowing all too well
That it left you empty and depressed too
Then I think to myself,
"What's a girl to do? "
Meanwhile you're all alone,
Allowing the chemicals to stew


So watchyu want with a woman like me?
I'd never do what you say.
All I wanted was to love you,
But you kept pushing me away.

"if you leave now, i can't let you come back" and more lies i tell myself • like, who am i trying to convince here? am i really that weak? maybe it isn't the weakness that keeps me stuck on you, more like the hold our souls have on the other • my heart falls, tugs and breaks with every word you say, but i cannot back off and let you go away • i know that i need you • your touch, your scent, those eyes • i just can't look away • it gets cold sometimes and i still never stop begging for you to stay • you can break me down to someone else, take who i am away from me • i'll keep coming back to you and cower every time you speak • i want to mean it this time when i ask you to leave • i want to feel nothing again and forget the day we met like it meant nothing • your anger and silence breaks me apart, piece by peace.. i just want you to see the damaged you've caused from promises you never intended to keep • (next time check your motives) • you'll regret this one day, maybe not right now • you hate me, bet you'll never say that to my face • you still never find someone who will love you as much as i love • and you will never feel a peace in your soul where i will no longer be • you can fill a void but you'll never quite get back your light • meanwhile, i'll be shining for someone who truly deserves it • someone who has no intent to dull it • good luck fighting those demons without me there to shield you • i promised and meant everything about how i'd fight for you more - no one else is strong enough, not even you.

Are you ignoring red flags or are you painting them?

everything that i want
everything that i need
is already here
or on its way to me

it's too bad
you can't pick
bouquets of butterflies -
that moment you get
when you look in
someone's eyes.

or maybe at a glance
when you look
into their soul -
a moment caught in time
that is out of
your control.

a moment
that makes the world stop,
feeling heaven in a kiss -
something in
the depths of you
that you never thought
you'd miss.

What are you to do
When your mind comes unglued
Over who you used to be
And all the **** you thought was true?

time to get down to it,
cause the only way out
is through it.

anhedonia and apathy ~
this retrograde is killin' me.

Get out of your head
Crawl back to me -
Get lost in my arms instead.
I'll keep you warm,
Hold you tight -
Til we melt into the bed.
Til you no longer feel alone,
Hungry, cold
And misled.
Don't feel bad
About the words
You never said.
The situation
Looks way worse
In my head.

all the hurtful things you say and do that show that you have no respect for me,
and you never say sorry.

who you were then versus now, i thought you had changed and wanted better for yourself,
but you never say sorry.

i hope you know
that i love you
and in doing so,
i'll put myself above you.

growing for myself,
and those around me
so i can be whole
with or without you.

you help me heal
parts of myself,
by proving you're not
like the others..

healthy love exists
cause i first found it within.

i've walked so many miles in your shoes -
i don't know what else to do.

you're healing in layers,
and if i could choose,
i'd walk some more miles in your shoes.