“Because you drink too much,”
I say
Matter of factly
With giggles in my voice.
You do not giggle.
And as you pull your hand away
I watch something else
Slip from reach
And suddenly
I am alone.

“My dear,”
I start.
But where
From here?
I search
For magic words
Unspoken,
The ones
With the power
To guide him home.
And with the power
To remind you it’s his.
But the “come home” words
Are worn and weak
From use.
Like I am worn and weak
And used
To the way things have become.
And even alone
With my pencil
I fall into silence.

He watches her,
Jaw set,
As her eyes plead
The case her lips
Can’t speak.
“No,”
His eyes respond.
And, “not again,”
From his clenched jaw.
And “no... god please, no,”
From his tired shoulders.
And the dog barks,
And the kid calls,
And she moves as he walks past.
“I’m not leaving,”
She whispers,
With confidence,
To her angry cat,
“And sometimes that scares me.”

I breathe,
Letting recognition
Settle in
And through
The experience
Of filling
My body
With air
Over
And over
And over.
Then I notice
Breathing
And recognizing
Breathing
And noticing
Recognition,
And the air
On my face
Is cool,
And my partner’s
Sleep sounds
Are steady,
And the mint
In my mouth
Is almost cold
As I breathe
And notice
And breathe.

He is small
And quiet
In the seat
Beside me,
My invitations
To join
Gathering
At his feet.
He shrugs
My touch from
His shoulder
And
Squeezes
His eyes
Tight
Against the shudder.
I watch the shine
In his eyes
Grow bold
Into tears.
He sets his jaw
And swallows
A whisper,
“You were crying again.”

For a moment
She is
And notices
The fun
That comes
With pretending
She is
Distinct
And truly
So,
So long
As she recalls
The pretense
And recognizes
Who writes
The role.
And in that moment,
She is love.

Today I practiced
All
The most Important
Details.
I breathed,
And I felt
Myself
Breathing.
I listened,
And I heard
Myself
Living.
And I planted my feet,
And I reached
Way past
Where I usually
Stop.
And later,
In his eyes,
I saw what
I practiced for.

She knows
How it sounds,
Her defenses,
Her script.
She gets
Where to giggle,
Where to look away.
And some days,
She longs for freedom-
For mangled lines,
And empty faces,
And shredded costumes.
But today,
She greets
Her applause
And retreats
Into darkness.

She gasps
And clutches
Her chest
Just above, between
*******,
And her face
Splits.
Giggles,
Rippling
From core
To tips,
Bursting
Open
And through,
To yelps,
Bubbling
Rises and Falls,
Pushing
Through breath,
To wheezes
Marked
With squeaking
Pleas.
They remember
This later
When she
Is angry
And mean.

She slinks
Between feet
Curling one
Last
Bit
Of tail
Around
Wrist
Nuzzling
Nose
To shoulder
And scampering
Past
When
I reach
To engage,
To satisfy.
Tempting
And fleeing,
On
To the next.
And he
Is patient
And slow
And strong
When
It’s time,
Waiting
And ready
For my return.

I lay
Still
And spread
In darkness,
Noticing
The print
Of my practice
In all
The in-between
Places,
And breathe
And startle
As she tumbles
Her skull
Into my hand
Looking for love
In shavasana.

At first
He didn’t
Know
How
His words
Cinched
Tight around
Her throat,
Extracted
Air
From her lungs
Slowly
Until
She was taut
And vacant.
But then
He learned
Words
As
Weapons
He found
He couldn’t
Help
But wield.

I slip
From
Now
To the nows
That pose
As laters
And I
Wonder
What’s to be.
I watch
With eager
Curiosity
Then
Anxious
Uncertainty
The loves
I’ve gathered
Along
The way
To make
My later
Matter.
And in the space
Between
Postures
Of not knowing
I find
The watcher.

“I don’t...”
She blinks,
“I don’t.”
And suddenly,
She doesn’t.
She scrambles,
Face blank,
Body still,
For something
Known.
She reaches
Into the dark,
Her hand
Probing
For something
To clutch
And reaching
Too far,
She topples.
“I didn’t,”
She says,
“Know what the end
Could feel like”

As I breathe,
And push
Heel
Into space
Behind,
The shift
Pops
From hip
To toe
And I grow,
And I note
The joy
Of moving
This body
Freely,
This breath
With ease,
And
I am
Humbled
By the space,
And I hold
Past comfort
And breathe
For those
Who cannot.

I’d set
Them down,
One by one,
Just beyond
My mat,
So I could
Be
Alone
In my skin
And my head.
And when
I was
Enough
To be
And not be,
Alone,
And I drew
Them close,
One by one,
To watch
My eyes
In theirs.

In the dark
And creaky
Morning hours,
She moves
In stumbles
And tiptoes,
Breathes
In whispers
And curses,
As high melts into low,
And reality swallows the dream.
“I’m done,”
She pleads to
The dog
She forgot
To feed,
“I promise.”

As I leave
My mat
And flesh
Behind,
I recognize
The plain
Made battleground,
The twisted
Bodies,
Faces
Gone slack,
The urge
To gaze,
To curate
Curiosity
For
Each
And every
Fallen,
Around
How
And where
They stood.
I stand
On healthy
Feet,
On solid
Ground,
And hesitate
In the tension
Between
As today
All paths
Seem fraught.

This morning
I wandered
Through
Postures
Familiar
And true,
Seeing
Doing,
And knowing,
And being,
And the edges
Between them,
Until
I
Fell away
And there was only
The practice.

I woke
Hesitant
To do so,
Not quite ready
For the next
To be now.
Yet
So it was,
(And so I woke)
And so it kept
Being.
Now.
And now.
And now.
And now.
And then,
In a moment,
Still and shadowed,
I caught up.
And woke again.

My mind
Wanders
From bit
To bit
And but
To but,
Each feeling
Too big
To leave
Room
For the others.
And then
I notice
Space
Between beats
Between breaths
Between tendon
And bone
For me
To be still
While my mind
Just isn’t.

I’ve been afraid
Before
But always
Of a thing
Always
In a space.
These days though,
Fear circles my skull,
No matter what.
No matter where.
And I often forget how to breathe.

I found
My Self
Racing
Time,
Bridging
Gaps between
Moments
With breaths
Held,
And jobs
Complete,
And I paused,
And I breathed,
And I waited
To be left
Behind,
With my jobs
And my breath,
And Time,
She slowed
With me,
And clasped
My hand
Until I remembered
We were
One.

I’m stumbling around in the dark
When you clutch my shoulders.
(I’m probably thirsty,
Or going to ***.)
“I love you so much,”
I hear you say.
“I’m so sorry.”
And I think I hear tears in your voice.
And maybe it’s my tequila and benadryl,
Or your whiskey and coke,
But probably it’s both.
“Forever,”
I hear myself say,
And I know you feel tears on my face.
“Forever.”
And you refill my water while I *** in the dark.

The more
You spend,
The more
You win.
But
Not
Quite.

Wandering,
Ragged,
And worn,
I stumble on
To my mat.
And reaching
Past its
Rubber edges
I gather
The pieces
Of me
Strewn about -
Knees and elbows,
Tips and toes,
A bit of flesh,
An ***** or two -
Each finding
Its place
So I can find mine
Before sunrise.

I found
My mat,
Today,
Squeezed
Between
Housework
And workwork
In a space
Too small
And too quick
To expect
The twists
And bridges
And wheels
That unfolded there.
I smiled,
At the end,
Folding forward
In thanks
For the unexpected
That shows up
In the in-betweens.

I wander
Around my
Tiny corner
Rolled out
(Then up)
Each day,
Watching should-haves,
And want-tos,
And why-can’ts,
And but...but...buts,
Rise up
Around me,
Making corners,
And alleys,
And dead ends,
That I mistake
For me
Until remembering
“I”
Is just
Another
Edge
To wander.

She flits
Through my mind
And I
Feel her
Laughter
In my bones
As joints
Release
With a pop.
She rests
Around the edges
Of my mind
And I feel
Her burdens
As I
Reach into
Growth.
She gazes
Into my eyes
And I
Recognize
Myself in grey
As breath fills
My body,
Making room
For all
Of what
Could be.

I reach
Hands
Around
And above
This body
Through
Befores
And afters
And thems
And these
Buzzing
In tiny
Separate
Bits,
And breathe,
And feel
Them
Join
And
Seep
Through pores,
Under nails,
Around organs,
And fill
This body
With me
(And we).

A smile
Creeps
Into her eyes
Before her cheeks
Draw
And her lips
Curl
And her words
Bring forth
The unexpected.
And they laugh
At the rightness
And the wrongness
Juxtaposed
And binding them
Together.

She watches
His shapely shoulders shift
As he washes their dishes
And hums
A bar
She can’t recall
Quite well enough
To join.

“And sometimes,”
She notes,
“We are easy.”

Some days
(Especially those that echo with
“Move,” and
“Hurry,” and
“Do, do, do... but don’t!...”)
Those days
I may just sit,
And breathe,
And come back to sitting
And breathing
And if it takes
Every moment
Of my practice
To arrive,
Still,
I find myself there.

When the time
Arrived,
I didn’t.
I made an appearance -
A quick Hello -
Then scampered off
To solve Problems,
To anticipate Issues,
To recall Details
My mind provided
For careful
(And Urgent!)
Examination.
My body stayed,
Working
Excuses into
Polite Conversation.
Just in case.
And in the end,
It left alone.

Her eyes close slightly,
And her lashes
Obscure
His offers
For connection.
She smiles
And her lips
***** barriers
She can huddle behind
If she gets very small.
She draws him close
And her sighs
Drown out
Her gasps for air.
But if he notices aloud,
The squinting, or smiling, or *******,
And how something’s a little bit different,
She might not stay to be seen.

It’s offhand,
The comment
That first stills
Her heart
Then sends it
Tumbling
Her breath
Attempting traction
Attempting grip.

And he knows
She lies
When she answers
“Fine.”

I follow
The dark
In my head,
To familiar
Edges
I know
And know
Don’t
Have
What is
Promised.
And I
Lift
My chin
To look
Beyond
Where light
Falls
And bounces
And suddenly
The light
Splits
And I remember
My way
Back.

As I move
Through
Postures
Finding
Stillness
Then flow,
You
Dance
Around corners
Of my mind
And my mat
Sometimes
Clumsy  
And small,
Sometimes
Grown and
Full of grace.
And I
Imagine
To your face,
With tears
Streaking mine,
When once more
You are
Just
Out of reach.

Today
I began  
Tired
And alone
Bending my body,
And watching
My mind
Welcome
The folks
I carry
With me
Within.
And I realized
Suddenly
I’d been mistaken -
Today was not
The beginning,
After all.

Seven souls
Visited
This morning.
Arranged
On the line
In a two
A three
And two ones.
And one one
Sang
For the group
A swirling song
I knew
And I missed
Them
When they fled
The churchgoers’ traffic
Without saying
Goodbye.

And from within
My edges
And the edges
Of my mat,
I crept
Around bends
I’d never noticed,
Reached for bits
Beyond bits I know,
Peered in spaces
Long forgotten,
And let my movement
Grow my world
And my world
Grow me.

I breathe,
And notice
Their shades
There
With me,
The older
And the younger,
Quietly
Yearning
To be
Received.
My mind
Pins
Them there,
In respective
Corners,
Puzzles
To be sorted
And compiled,
Until my
Heart does
What my mind
Cannot.
Then we breathe
And we settle.

I fall
Back upon
My seat,
From feet,
Having
Risen,
And reached,
Twisted,
And folded,
And held
And held
And held
Still,
Still drawing
Air
In
And out.
And I lay
This body
And its
Echoes
Of our dance
Together
Down
One bit
At a time,
As my breath
Slows my beat
And my skin
Goes cold.
And I let
Myself
Be
And be
Bound
By
What I can
Feel
Inside,
Settling
One bit
At a time,
Letting
Right now
Be enough.

I hear you
Moving
Behind
Me
And before
Me
And I hear
A bit
Of me
Say no
To what
It feels like
To love you
Right now,
So I turn
To that bit
And lean
Into all
It is
Until
It is
All
There is
And without
Bits
It’s only
The love.

My feet
Planted,
Hips lined up
Just so,
Arms reaching,
I settle
Into stillness
And notice
The twist
Begin
In my breath
Before
My body
Joins.
I follow,
And belong.

My limbs
Folded
Beneath,
I bend,
Descend,
Bring the eye
Between
To ground
Below
To ground
Me.
And I notice,
I bring
Emily
To rest
Here
Sometimes,
In the pose
Of a child
Where the world
Goes
Still.

The practice
Today
Has been
Not so much
A flow
But
A tumble,
Bumping
And crashing
Into one
Hard place  
Then the next,
As I breathe
Space
Into the gaps
And smile
With
The thought
That today
Seems not
For floating.

I rise
With chimes
To array
This bit of
My world
Differently
Before
Settling
Back
In to receive
That which
Comes
Next
And next
And next,
When a bit
Just out
Of reach
Compels,
Shifting
My next
From what
Past me
Expected.

I found
Myself
Today
Between
Have-tos
And whys
In the time
Set aside
For just noticing.

I noticed
Myself
And then
They were not.

I hold
Still,
Folded
Halfway
And long
Out from hips,
Arms spread,
Before letting
The Earth
Pull me
To hang
From strong
Base
Over
To heavy head.
And I breathe
Before blooming,
Toes out,
Back straight,
Into goddess.