there will always be a place in my heart that desperately begs to be open
to invite the space for memories i had with my first lover
my karmic, winter lover
the opposite side of the moon who thinks too much at night in upstate

there will always be a place in my heart
that aches in agony
aches in wishes and prayer
to beg for mercy
to understand the acceptance of faith

and that is why i must keep this door open
i do not want to forget you

it’s time to put away the ego and speak to me when you have more sense in

hurt people putting their two cents in

i see you for who you are
and you are who i was back then

too pretty to be acting like that
it’s shameful
i used to write poetry about you
now i’m unable
you told me you were a narcissist once
i said keep your mouth closed
can’t call you a liar
i’m the one who should’ve kept that door closed

this wasn’t meant for me—
this can’t be
still got love for you
you made me leave
you know how to play the victim role
it’s shameful
you’re so shameful


i see you for who you are
and you are who i was back then

baby bird,
baby bird,

you used to sing outside my window
watch me get undressed at night
patiently wait for me to wake up

baby bird,
baby bird,

you once flew in my room
and made a nest of your own
you once flew in home
and planned one of our own

baby bird,
baby bird,

you stopped coming by my window
you stopped singing to me in the morning
you didn’t chirp when i told you i loved you

baby bird,
baby bird,

i miss you.
when did i lose you?
your nest is still here… with all the memories you left me.

i can’t control the future
i’ll never know my ending
but i’ll always know the signs to a new beginning
the more i accept
the more i love surprises

i can control how many times i tell myself “i love you”
i can’t imagine the joy id feel when i believe myself…
why would i withhold my love anyway?

i have my music slippin out the window
on the third floor
lights off, candle lit by the front door
sage burnin to protect my heart, what i stand for
i really believe in love
that’s that **** i stand for

heart has been broke
some from me,
some from them
and then some

i heal in silence not vengeance
i’m changing fully
never dropping bread crumbs
i’m not a sad story
i’ll never forget where i came from
two people in a conversation
i’ll listen where you come from

let’s do our shadow work in the light
i need to go outside,
i need to feel sun

some months i can’t sleep for weeks
some months it’s hard for me to stay awake
putting myself in solitude only seems to waste my day
i love myself in every minute, every hour
although im a moody lover-
i can be attached but need my space

music slippin like my thoughts out the window
sage burning to protect my heart
in my living room, makin art
i always have something to believe in
i could use some company
let’s be raw like the seasons

i really believe in love though,
that’s that **** i stand for
come inside,
leave your shoes at the front door

when blue skies turn to gray
and the clouds feel unbalanced from the season change
is what i believe stems from my depression

people tend to freeze in my lake of sorrow.
i ice skate above them for remembrance from the memories i borrowed.
it must’ve been a pleasure to get to know me.
soon enough, the sun will come out
and we’ll forget
i don’t believe that to be a bad thing.

when blue skies turn to gray
i find the color in between my fingertips as i’m stuck in bed
even if it’s gray outside
i’ll find a way to make it shine inside my head.

soon enough,
i’ll forget…
and i don’t believe that to be a bad thing.

soon enough.
Hopefully.

what’s your favorite part about the day?

the ocean being three minutes away,
my mother dancing to gospel music in the kitchen,
my best friend selling her art down the street,
or possibly
the in between when i tell myself “hello”

i could write you a million poems
even if you don’t like to read
i could write you a million songs
even if we have different taste
but i know you love me
when you come and ask me to break each line down
to understand what i mean

they all mean that
i love you,
im sorry,
i’m grateful.

always

scared of a lot of things
scared if you’d leave
closed but i never lock the door
it’s me, i know it’s me
i noticed this from once before

yes you hurt me
but i hurt me too
and way more

scared of a lot of things
mainly including me
it’s me, i know it’s me

i say i love you
you say you love me too
while gently opening up the door
you told me you’ve been in this room before

security,
just need some security

it’s understandable why it didn’t work out with anyone else
you are what poets write about
loving you feels so easy
and that’s how i know all my guards are down-
i’m with someone i didn’t want to pain

i’m glad the world didn’t end when i was 14

memories seem so far away
distant but not cold
a lot of time for reflection
though not enough time to know where i’m going
however,
i found something…

something that is too beautiful
to be trapped in my head

for the life of me
for all the dreams i have
to be cursed with such an expansive imagination
imagining you coming back to bed
imagining that this isn’t really happening

for the life of me
for all of what i gave
even if it wasn’t enough
why was it a purpose for you to remind me
that i’m as disposable
as a new day?

for all the dreams i have
please don’t let me fall asleep, anymore.

The exhausted faces
lingering to their grief.
madness, cure
sadness, pure
speaking in solemn oath
that even I have trouble understanding.

But what a blessing it is,
believing,
continuing to love—


/scillaB

It’ll all be okay
At least when I have no one
I’ll have me

It’ll all be okay
At least when I have no one
I’ll remember i at least had someone
And i still chose me

It’ll all be okay
As long as I have me

In the process of loving you
I sketched you along the river
A scenery you’ve described maybe once before
When your face lit up along the memories you never told me about
Along the memories that are not my business
Along the memories that I saw what I couldn’t make you have again——

So in the process of sketching
You had different company
And when I mailed you the art
You said “thank you” instead of “where are you?”
And that’s because we both know…

That in the process of you finding yourself,
I was only here to help you grow.

I hope that river is beautiful.

With no medication
And about seven different mood swings
I wonder if any emotion is even real
And if this is all made up in my head

The mind.
What an unfamiliar place.

One moment,
It all came to fruition
All of what I’ve ever dreamed of.

In one moment,
I hope I don’t ruin it.

insomnia
not sad
can’t sleep

high
old ****
restroom sink

wishing my eyes could sink in
not sad
just can’t sleep

a little sad
actually
20s
growing pains
dramatic me

thoughts, thoughts, thoughts
singing to me
to keep me
from falling asleep

insomnia

Do I ask for too much when I imagine you singing for me
Silent goodbyes before I live in New York City
Outside of imagining, I get to remembering
When you were my pretty, pretty

My pretty, pretty

So easy to look at
Easier to hide from
My favorite color
I used you up in different shades and then some
New apartment, different phase
Two artists
Many games
I achieved a muse, smile, little pain
It was never that deep
But it was pretty

Oh, my pretty, pretty


/scillaB

Tell me how the war ended.
“They didn’t let you pass. What a miracle, this is.” Said by faceless faces.

What kind of good news is this?

A restless journey of unfinished business,
X marks my spot on the river.
If I can’t pass over, I must pass under.

Tell me when the war ends.
Tell me when I’m accepted.
Tell the legacy tales of how I was expected-
By the Gods.

What kind of good news is this?

In attempt to step off the tower,
The faceless faces gathered-
Arms turned to balloons and ropes,
A safety net on the boat.
No eyes to show the window of the soul-
So they would be nothing to miss.

“We will not let you pass! No rest for the wicked!”

The faceless faces have the key,
I am as heavy as a lock.
Who has the word to let me pass?

I shall destroy it all. As my brain does me.
Thou shall only pass if thee says so-
Rocks are in my coat,
To sink below-
I will ruin your ship – I will make many X’s
You are so wrong –
There is rest for the wicked –
If you do not let me pass,
The Gods will not be surprised.
I am what they expected.
I stepped off that tower,
Wingspan like a Raven

Awake in my bed-
The war inside has ended.
Oh, what a miracle this is.
It was just a nightmare.

/ScillaB

Pinocchio
I was mad at my friend,
I started missing my foe.
Didn’t let that door hit me on the way out.
Every poem burned stopped me from being cold,
Still kept a few in case I had to read some aloud to you.
You were holding me, frozen.

What goes around comes around.
Scared to countdown the minutes.
Slight, passive attitude
It’s silent, we’re dancing.
When it comes to my feelings,
His nose doesn’t stop growing.
Innocent liar,
Pinocchio.

Shooting star, does he ever dream of me?
His ear is by my lips,
His lips are on my shoulder.
When this poem ends,
It’s all over.

He is getting warmer.

My dear Karma – Do I hurt you like you do me? – Am I beautiful or am I comfortable?”


He melts.
Pinocchio will never tell me.