The exalt is ephemeral, sure to fade
Wistful stares dance past tainted shades
Rose colored lenses seep into red eyes
Chest filled with knots but can't form the ties

Nebulous mirror is all that is seen
Want to break through but don't want to bleed
Certainty fueled solely by liquid coal
Envy consumes and tears into the soul

Tell me I'm beautiful, loosen my chains
Assent the lies and then turn off my brain
Choked from the view by a chemical wall,
Lust for that side but don't want it at all

Desist the leers of superior ones,
Desire escape and somewhere to run
Pray that there is no re-occurrence,
Return to me addictive reassurance.

Nestled in his arms, I've found a quiet place,
A refuge for my weary soul to rest.
Within his gentle gaze, anxieties erased,
My racing mind is soothed, concerns addressed.
When self-doubt winds its tangled vines around,
And life's complexities leave me spent,
His strong embrace is the shelter I have found,
Where desolation’s grasp cannot extend.
Behind those eyes lies an eternal sea,
Of wisdom, truth, and purity so rare.
Each moment with him reveals more to me,
Of passion's tide we joyfully bear.
Through every twist of fate our lives have known,
Paths destined to meet, forever to have grown.

By loving you I learned to hate myself
In finding you I learned to lose myself
Eyes roll back into my head,
Decorated by ugly shades of red
Don't really know if I meant what I said,
If I'd rather be dead

Couldn't stop the shakes
Turned my tears into lakes
Trying to teach myself not to need you here
This is someone trying to disappear

Craving your careful stroke of my hair
That simple bliss so temporary

But in leaving you I've learned to need myself
And in forgetting you I've learned to be myself
They said life teaches you how to live it,
you just have to live long enough to get it

I can't imagine anything else
It feels pointless to try
I was given this
Whatever it is
Everything it is
Painful, scary, heartbreaking
Sometimes beautiful
Beautiful enough to keep me here

Continue,
Continue

There might be more
Something good
Holding out for magic
Things I felt when I was young
Before reality was cement
It feels like lifetimes ago
Ancient pain
Ancient fear and guilt and shame
I can't distinguish now from then
I am wrapped up in it
Trapped by it and caged by it
Changed by it
Chained to it
Is living truly to suffer
I see that now

Continue,
Continue

And with that wound to the heart born of cruel enlightenment -
I am affected, and afflicted, to find that He has finally decided to love another.

Who might She be, so superior to me?
How beautiful, Ethereal, Godly must she appear to Him?
Whom could never suffice to provide,
how lowly then am I?

I surmised as engaged that which was nothing but courteous exchange.
His pity shed for foolish me, anguished for His affections,
I was so simple and narcissistic, to imagine any potential ever living.

With that, I am crushed by the weight of a deserved but savage modesty.
How insignificant to His life, diminutive, unworthy must I be?
The sinister sentiment - that He has chosen not only not me, but She - devours all sureness of self and all of my esteem.

Spiteful as I am, I will deny Him tears.
I will cease gratifying such an immense ego and perchance depart with some pieces of dignity.
It is so hard, despite it so long since His immensity last gratified me.

He will never realize the plague on me He's infected,
Never witness the wounds on me He's inflicted,
Never recognize the hopeful heart He's afflicted.

After all this time, perhaps I've accepted that when I come back to You I meet Defeat.
This time, instead, perhaps I take what's left of myself and leave.
Perhaps, I beg, perhaps...
We'll see.

And with that wound to the heart born of cruel enlightenment -
I am affected, and afflicted, to find that He has finally decided to love another.

Who might She be, so superior to me?
How beautiful, Ethereal, Godly must she appear to Him?
Whom could never suffice to provide,
how lowly then am I?

I surmised as engaged that which was nothing but courteous exchange.
His pity shed for foolish me, anguished for His affections,
I was so simple and narcissistic, to imagine any potential ever living.

With that, I am crushed by the weight of a deserved but savage modesty.
How insignificant to His life, diminutive, unworthy must I be?
The sinister sentiment - that He has chosen not only not me, but She - devours all sureness of self and all of my esteem.

Spiteful as I am, I will deny Him tears.
I will cease gratifying such an immense ego and perchance depart with some pieces of dignity.
It is so hard, despite it so long since His immensity last gratified me.

He will never realize the plague on me He's infected,
Never witness the wounds on me He's inflicted,
Never recognize the hopeful heart He's afflicted.

After all this time, perhaps I've accepted that when I come back to You I meet Defeat.
This time, instead, perhaps I take what's left of myself and leave.
Perhaps, I beg, perhaps...
We'll see.

Don't allow yourself to close your eyes;
To sleep or rest, to look away.
You see, you know,
They all lied to you.

Existence;
Immersed in it's ambiguities.
Meaningless suffering,
Life is unjust.

Left behind.
Drowning in real
Refusing to ignore,
It's killing you.

It is all truly there,
It is all that there is.
Onerous to accept it.
You're creating a war with a reality
Who only seeks to destroy.

Nearly lost elation,  
Thoughts transmitted in times of joy,
Hope at times afforded.
Faint memories of it will linger,
Just try to hold on.

-

You think so highly of such a lowlife as yourself,
Or are you it?
Are you it?

Drifting down the sidewalk,
I trip on a crack and I fall.
My arms won't work anymore,
Seems they can't lift me this time.

Or maybe,
They don't want to.

What's really up there for me anyway?
It's not too bad down here,
I'm tired,
And it's better than falling down again.

I'll be okay here.
I'll be okay.

On a small blue planet appeared a person,
It rocked back and forth screaming and crying.
It wanted a home and a safe place to go,
Where the unknown was not underlying.  

The person moved about this blue planet,
with wood it built a roof and four walls.
It called it a home, but didn't feel safe, as it
could still hear the whisper of danger's calls.  

With nothing to do but to continue with living,
It walked back and forth, laughing and crying.
Constantly searching for that feeling of warmth,
It's escape from the intense fear of dying.

Linear time dragged by on this planet,
This person was close to it's end.
It desperately fought to hold on to that place,
where it's thoughts would be constantly sent.

On a small planet then laid a person,
It closed it's eyes and looked into itself.
Discovered a universe where all was one,
and within the home of self, all was well.

When the world goes too still I become afraid to think.
Silence distracts me from my distractions;
It pounds against my skull demanding access to my consciousness,
hauling a trojan horse of thoughts and feelings I never want to let in.

I can't pick up the phone today
I am too unstable
Afraid of the other line, the other side
How are you
Who are they to me?
I have nothing to say to anyone
Nothing anyone will hear
I can't answer the phone today
I live in fear

What is it to be okay
What does it look like
To be well
Safe secure and stable
I dream about it
But the dream is only awake when
I am asleep

And I sleep, and sleep, and sleep

Nestled in his arms, I've discovered a haven,
The refuge for my soul, a home is engraven.
A sanctuary where thoughts find gentle release,
A world of unity, my doubts meet their peace.

When weariness tugs and desolation entwines,
Life's enigmatic encounters, weaving complex designs,
In his gaze serenity blooms and finds its place,
A sanctuary of solace, a loving embrace.

Within his eyes, a realm beyond time,
Where enchantment flows in a fractal rhyme.
Familiar, like an ancient whisper, this truth so pure,
Innocence cascades, beauty's allure.

Through him a passage to celestial expanse,
An orchestra of emotions, our souls entwine and dance.
Each moment evolves, exquisitely hued,
At the threshold of forever, together with you.

Life's intricate threads lead to a destined connection,
Guiding me to him, the most profound intersection.
Gratitude rises, an endless ocean's plea,
For destiny's masterpiece, in him, I see.

I'm bored of blue skies.

I'm bored of art, music, poetry, fantasy, movies and writing.
I'm bored of breathing, walking, talking, dancing, laughing and crying.
Bored of train rides home alone, bored of trying to understand.
Bored of remembering my dreams, bored of begging for dreams I can't have.
I'm bored of feeling.
I'm bored of drugs, alcohol, relationships, bars, clubs and pointlessness.
I'm bored of hugs, whispers, kisses, smiles and carelessness.
What to do when there's nothing to do,
What to do when you can't spend time with you.

These days the colors of your voice paint time.
Minds bound together, but a frosty distance between.
Your soul dances fluently, a force I crave to absorb.
All I can do is breathe sounds into you while your arctic gaze unravels my deep makeup.

I revel in the acidic pain you've carelessly carved and I welcome it because nothing else exists.  

I shake, I’m scared. I blush, I’m on fire.
You watch tranquilly as if amused by a child.

Seized by your enigma my purity transforms into treachery.

I laugh because I'm flying
You laugh because you know I’d let you do everything to me
and we both cry, because you just might.

Here I am again.
Waking, moving, thinking, and speaking,
Loving, seeking, hoping, and dreaming.

How did I get here?
I thought one escapes in evening
Yet, tonight I am still here,
But as always I am sleeping.

Turn off the light
Pause the music of time,
And worlds unfold beneath my eyes.

I feel them as if they were pressing upon my skin.
I taste them as if they coated my tongue.
I see them as if they are inches ahead of me.
I know them as real and not,
But real, and not?

Then morning.

Here I am again.
Waking, moving, thinking, and speaking,
Loving, seeking, hoping and breathing.

I was there.
But where?
Not really here, nor there.
But somewhere.

Where I am now?
Here.
Again.
And again.

Innocence scrawled on a blindfold,
"Unfair" whispered from within.
Two subjective perceptions of the objective;
Two dreams disguised as reality.
Eyes glazed over with self assurance
you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong.
and now I'm sorry.
Excuses emerge from hidden willful blindness,
Searching for the core - where misunderstanding sits;
Two mouths moving, saying nothing.
Four eyes staring at the same painting, seeing different things.
Two hearts so submerged in cement that they've forgotten to beat.

The poisonous fog clears and drips onto our worlds melting all that we've built, but instead of taking everything, it's waken us up.

The sun paints me reverential.
My eyes virgins to it's remarkable light, I've been sightless for ages.
The rays travel from my tears to my soul,
I illuminate from the inside out.
My smile pours out, it's disingenuous counterpart cast aside
waiting.

Where have I been?
Patterns decorate my arms, red welts of chains that once were.
Why has the sadness gone?
It's scary to recognize impermanence.
Everything comes in cycles - this included.

All I can do is keep my eyes open for as long as I can this time around.

How far will you bend before you break?
How much more of this will you take?
When it's all over, I wonder,
What kind of sound might you make?

How far will you let me go?
And at what point will you say no?
Can you tell me that it will it always be because I said so?

Do I even need this, how could I know?
I'm not sure what it is,
but I want it.
I want it all to myself.
I really want it,
Until I don’t.

You'll try to keep me but you won’t.
I am too me for you.
Maybe one day you’ll realize, while sifting through romanticized memories, that just like me, you’ve always been alone.

Do you still think about me?
Do you still watch my movements?
Are you still obsessed with an illusion?
-
You would hurt me, but not if I hurt you first.
-
I thought you saw me,
It seems I'm still a ghost
-

What kind of love do you think you could take, when you want someone to be crazy for you, but not be insane?

You're a canvas smothered in fragmented glass
Mirror of beauty,
Aesthetics of God.
You're a plastic portal to the Ideal form,
Propped up on a cliff,
It leads to a brick wall.

Try to delve into yourself
Obsessed with the shining garbage on the outside
But it doesn't exist
It's just a painting.

You slice your hands as you attempt to claw your way inside
Blood dripping and staining and real,
It doesn't exist
You're just a painting

Painted by you,
Painted by them,
Painted by us.

Reality;
The beautiful and terrifying duality of light and darkness,
the necessary and cruel inescapable cycle of life and death.

Work of art
never be mine,
you don’t have a heart and I don’t have the time.
Inside of my mind is where I’d turn to,
but you've devoured it.
Drift back to me and I’ll crawl back to you.
False notes wisp past blades, it’s nothing new
The sky turns red but we’ll still call it blue.

Seeing it again
That innocent view
Undisturbed eyes
Bright, clear and new
Open

Feeling it again
Pastures of grass and light
Butterflies as fairies
Magic is true sight
It feels so good

To be open
To feel alive
Excited to be alive

I am human
Imperfect naive little human
But it's so hard to Be
I have to give us some sympathy
This is a frightening journey
But I am doing it

Prouder
Stronger
Open
Here

This experience is art
My Life is a symphony
The human experience an exhibition
It's all so tragic and beautiful
I love it

Thankful
Prouder
Stronger
Open
Here

There is stillness immersed in movement.  
Branches that wave in the wind on a rooted tree
Passing clouds over the hushed sky
I search for that stillness inside,
But it seems the closer I look the less I am.
I can't find the permanence in identity
Can't find stability in me.

The surrounding tunnel gnaws at my eyes
The sliver of light progressively smaller
Progressively dim
I lose my way in the labyrinth of a straight path
Blinded by an unadorned world,
There's no up down sideways or backwards there just is.
Pushed along by gentle metallic hands that scream lullabies at me
Deafening my thoughts
Murdering them with distractions,
Disguising nothingness with false purpose.
I've lost the ability to move my own feet, I don't belong to me
I'm just riding through the tunnel
I am no longer sure that there was ever an exit,
The light at the end has gone out.
They've turned it off.

Time blesses and curses
Creates and destroys
Carries, slows down
Scares
Tortures and rushes and drags
Scars

Always looking forward,
The future and it’s alluring suggestions.
Walk the linear belt of time
Towards that light at the end of this tunnel,
A place to rest.

It's moving farther away
Dimmer now
I can't remember why I move
Turn backwards, lost
Time snickers
Apathetic

Given up.

In boredom I look down.
For the first time I simply observe where I am,
the ground is shining.
Light rays pierce the soil,
casting arrangements on the tunnel's ceiling like stars.
There must be something below.
Dig until my fingers are raw
Nothing,
soil rises up, takes the place of progress.
Resigning.

A light show above me.
The mesmerizing patterns create movies in my mind.
World beneath me begins to move,
The soil is swallowing me.
I don't resist and I don't want to, I feel...good.  

When I come to my eyes adjust to the most luminous imagery I have ever seen.
Glimmering suns, flowers of colors unimaginable, grasses of greens and dew reflecting rainbows. Birds of paradise cascade overhead, my ears can taste their music like honey.
Time can’t find me here because it doesn’t exist.
This is the present. This is the moment. I laugh, and I laugh and I laugh. I’m happy and I was always here. I was always here.