bodies awash with
sin and self loathing-
we fold into mutual
affections
like water.

pinpricks of light
force holes through
the curtains
and I hold your gaze,
mathematical
and steady.

my thoughts stumble
over broken lips
to bleed out into
the space between us
like a spring pig
at the slaughterhouse

and you smile,
trace my jaw
with your index finger,
but the words just
hang there
with the dust
glittering in the light.

touch me,
i'm real.
forgive me,
i'm ill.

It's two in the morning,
it's always two in the morning
when nothing seems right
and your smile haunts
and lingers in my periphery.

It's two in the morning
and one candle flickers
in the corner of this
dark and hallowed room.
Etta James plays on repeat
and any stranger looking in
might attribute this scene
to something like love.
Maybe it's halfway there,
as he says my name
in between breaths that take
most of my air, and heartbeats
that drum staccato.
Maybe, just for a moment,
as I shut my eyes
and scream into the darkness,
filling the spaces beneath my nails
with the flesh on his chest,
and my whole body is aglow
with inescapable pleasure-
maybe I love him in that
brief reprieve.

It's two in the morning
and I'm rolling onto my side
over sticky white sheets.
He looks at me
as the singular flame
dances and casts shadows
that paint the arch of my hips
against the stucco,
and he tells me
that he loves me,
and I can't figure it out.
Maybe it's because the light
is so forgiving,
softening this look
of bone deep sorrow
and sickening nostalgia
into something like affection.

Or maybe you were always right
when you called me a sociopath
or a shameless narcissist.
Maybe I like playing with fire-
getting as close to love as possible
before disappearing, before
committing one more satisfying
act of self sabotage.

It's two in the morning,
and he's looking at me
like he means it
but I can't stomach it.
I've been asking for it
and now the words
just sit there, shining
in the candle light
and they're sickening
and nothing feels right
because he's made the same
mistake as all the others-
he isn't you.

it's astonishing
how swiftly
this disease moves.

it's gotten to be
this familiar pattern,
an ugly ebb and floe-
agonizing stretches
of nothing, just numb silence
and tense conversations,
with brief reprieves
of manic glittering highs.
it builds and builds
until it bursts, and not
in any extraordinary way.
it's usually while
engaged in some menial task
like brushing my teeth
or eating a turkey sandwich,
and suddenly it's suffocating me
and my hands are shaking
and all of my words are gone.
this is the phase
of delicious self-loathing
and bone deep sadness,
where it almost feels good
just to feel something real-

until i'm spinning out,
heaving out months of nothing
in back-breaking sobs
in the middle of the week
on my lunch break
and they're all asking
what's wrong
with their faces
******* up into
genuine concern
and, ****,
they've almost
found me out.

i regroup,
smile like i mean it
and say i'm getting help;
let emptiness consume
as i dive into the grey.

oh, rising sun on east horizon,
shine your light through purple hues;
sunbeam fingers reaching long,
spreading warmth ‘cross mountains blue.
awake, oh towering pine majestic,
for deep below your roots flows pure
crystal liquid falls in dance, 
fills each pool with nature's mirror.
this my Oregon, i call her home,
where skies of grey and winter long
chills milder souls to the bone,
yet hardy stock from which i come
know her best, still to be sung.
her rocky crags where eagles soar,
her mountain lakes, her breaking shores,
her rapid’s ripple, current strong,
her open skies and painted rocks,
from each she springs alive with flame,
floral tapestry, her fields ablaze,
here streams cascade through canyons tall,
tumbling long in waterfall,
through rock and mountain, a gorge cut deep,
a bridge to history, the gods they speak  (1
a people weary, journey long,
struggling forward they sang their song.
first the solo, small band of men
discovery's chorus, brave brethren;  (2
a choir growing, families joined, 
came for land, they stayed for joy 
by beauty smitten, they wrote her lore.  (3
today her wonder, her majesty
sings to her young, *“come, walk with me,
come ******* bounty from forests green,
from lakes, from streams, from ocean deep,
from waving fields of amber grains,
abundant yields, endure my rains.,
come sip my wines, my vineyards flow,
come drink my waters, winter’s snow,
drawn from my wells, my streams below,
my plains and valleys, my hills and dales,
i offer richness within my veil.
when journey’s burden becomes too great
find respite in my sunset’s slate,
my star-kissed skies they offer thee,
my arms, my breast, thy comfort be."

Whether I'm down below,
Or high above,
I'll never cease until I find you, love.
If fate happens to bring you to my door,
I'll never, for a thousand years, ask for more.

I once lost while counting the stars,
But the pain I felt, it didn't last.
Yet how could I escape from my past,
If I still wear the same old scars?

To look wistfully into a stranger's eyes,
To remind me of when I was fed with lies.
To feel the softness of someone's lips on mine,
To forget yesterday when I was not fine.

I have yet to catch a glimpse of you,
Where and how you are, I have no clue.
But enfold me in your arms once you see me,
Hearing your heartbeat is where I want to be.

Whether you're down below,
Or high above,
Never cease until you find me, love.
If fate happens to bring me to your door,
Let me into your life, and ask no more.

-H