I was 5 years old the first time I fell in love
I don’t remember his name or what he looked like,
But I remember the feeling of flowers bursting from the earth,
Reborn
Determined to bloom into beautiful soft colors of pinks and yellows

When I was 10 I met a boy who lived in the sky
He could rip up houses and tear trees apart without so much as a blink,
But with that violence came a kindness like no other,
The Sun lived in him
He made me feel like the birds who soared high in the sky,
But in this fairy tale I was Icarus, and I flew too close
Unrequited love burned my wings,
And I vowed never to fly again

She was my favorite song,
She was the taste of lemonade on a hot day and the first spring rain
I was 14
I was 14 when I was swooped up into the arms of an angel
She swept me into the sky, holding my hand as we entangled ourselves in the vast constellations
Running with the Bull, swimming with Pieces
But when she let go, I awoke in a cold hospital bed,
It had been but a dream,
She had not come to save me, she was not my angel to keep

I learned to wear short sleeves exclusively and to follow my logic over my heart
No longer would I wear my softness upon my sleeve,
Love left a bitter taste in my mouth and coated the lining of my stomach where the butterflies used to flutter,
Poison floating in my lungs

I was 16 when he kissed my ****** knuckles
I was 16 when he broke through my walls like Odysseus and his Trojan Horse
Dragged me from my bed of broken hearts and dead flowers
He taught me to love, to grow once more,
Trying to save me when I did not want to be saved
I was not ready to love, I was a broken home,
Declared unsafe for inhabitants,

16 when you said to me that you didn’t understand,
That you thought we were on the same page,
But how was I to tell you that the last time I left my heart in someone else’s hands it shattered like hot glass
How was I to tell you I was made of steel and the warmth of your love only burned yourself


Studies in psychology say we do unto others what was done to us
I became the thing that had hurt me the most
No longer able to love freely,
No more would I allow my hands to become tangled in those of another lover,

I was 17 wishing to turn back the clock
Yearning for a hand to hold, but too scared to reach out and grab it
You told me you loved me,
And all I could say was, “thanks”

You asked me how I could live like this
On coffee, cigarettes and the love of someone who forgot he promised to write my name in the stars
Scribbled across the galaxy
Staining the sky with our *******
But I learned too late that it is the destiny of the stars to collapse
And now I am stuck craving you like a cancer patient craves the sweet release of death
To the black sky above

I love the choking addiction of nicotine and the sharp pain of your kiss

It’s cold tonight.
Even though the ghosts in the fire jump and reaches for the stars they can never touch I am                                     still cold.
A body is pressing against mine,
I don’t know whose it is
Just that it’s not yours.
The smell his cheap cologne mix with my cigarette stained breath and earth fire
It doesn’t smell like home
It doesn’t smell like you
I can feel his hand running up and down my spine
I hate that you never touched me like that
Why didn’t you love me like that?
His arms are around me now when I see your face
You’re not looking at me
I guess I’m just a shawdow

Sweet smoke sticks to the back of my throat the way my eyes seem to be glued to you when you walk in my room

Tears burned the back of my eyes, pressure stabbing at my temples I collapsed. Touching my nose to my knees gasping.that feeling I pressed so hard to keep away came slashing through me, pushing its way out my floodgates. I felt the icebergs of my being flush themselves from my body and any solid emotion turned to liquid. Mud swamps through my ribs and runs in my veins. I can't breath. I am drowning in the sorrow that has become me

My backyard has become a graveyard of tears, headstones marked by my old smoking cigaret butts