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Oh no-
Is that what this is?
If I think about kissing you-
Or I think of us surviving a hostage situation-
Or if I think of us cuddling-
Or if I think of you walking me home when I’m drunk and me getting inside okay-
Or if I think of a theme for our hypothetical wedding-
Or if I think about what you smell like-
Am I just smitten?
Or am I in deep?
Or are these just one in the morning thoughts that I’ll never repeat?
A shaky breath on a window-
fogging the glass-
I draw a smile in it-
the condensation runs down-
and now the smile cries-
and I wonder-
do you think about me-
because sometimes-
on days like today-
I think of you-
and the missed chances-
and I think of you-
and the wasted time-
and I think of you-
and I get nostalgic-
and I think of you-
I think of you.
Sarah Elizabeth Dec 2017
I wish I could stop shaking.

And as I sit here, curled around myself,
holding myself together,
I wish someone was here.
Anyone.

Well, maybe not just anyone.
There is a certain someone that tends to
creep into my thoughts at this hour of the night.
But not in a voyeuristic way.

I just want him to hold me.
Just to hold me,
to sit with me.
To feel the pressure of another,
holding me,
wanting me,
valuing my fragile humanity,
keeping me warm,
holding me together.

To stop the frantic nature of my pounding pulse,
that I feel though out my entire body.
Not to make it stop.
I do not want to die this young.
Just to make it slow,
so even the smallest motions,
do not feel as though
I am getting ready to run a marathon.

One time you did hold me,
and I hadn't been held in such a long time.
I was almost desperate, so desperate,
for the human touch,
and you obliged.

I am not ashamed to admit
that just like everyone else in this world,
just like any other human.
That I have wants.
That I have needs.
And right now,
holding myself together,
under the weight of the pressures of my own mind
and the world around me.
If I had a wish
that could be granted right now,
I would wish that you would be here.
With me.

Yes.
Being held,
just for a while,
would indeed,
be nice.
desperate hug cuddles missing depression anxiety pressure
Sarah Elizabeth Sep 2017
Hello my old heart.
You've been buried a long time.
The walls I have built around you are strong.
But, I built them that way to keep you safe.
I'm scared what will happen if I take
them down.
But I can, if you let me try.

Hello my numb heart.
Yes, change is here.
I'm excited and scared and a part of me wants
to go home.
But, we are mighty together.
I think we can do amazing things together.
If you let me try.

Hello my tired heart.
You are so weak with worry, I know.
Time goes fast and people change,
but we can forge a cacophony of people
and new types of love,
if you'll let me.


Hello my new heart.
I can feel you as I am curled in bed
surrounded by the
warmth
of my sadness
as I try to fill the void inside me.
Though there is a lot of depression right now,
I feel a change.

Thank you, for letting me try.
Sarah Elizabeth May 2016
I can't breath today.

I can't help but wonder if
things are always going to be
this way
or
if something inside me
will change
with time
and things will start
to finally make sense.

I can't help but think that
I am dying
but I always feel this way anymore.
It's like a
shadow
that follows me
and clings to my back,
or sometimes it even
jumps out of alleyways and grabs me
when I least expect it,
when
I'm
happy.

For some reason I'm not
surprised that
I ruin everything
for
myself
because I cannot ever be content
with my
life
no matter how hard I try,
as something always
holds me back.

Maybe it's you.
Maybe it's me.
Who knows.

But
this is
suffocating me.
Sarah Elizabeth Apr 2016
I don't know why I'm feeling this way,
and as the rain pours out of the open sky,
I have to remind myself that you were never mine
to begin with.
Sarah Elizabeth Oct 2014
I'm disgusted with the skeleton that shows through my skin,
and my heart palpitates to a beat that I cannot trace,
I feel so weak and you stand so tall,
and I wonder if the roles were reversed,
if I could stand up as straight as you,
and if you would be able to keep yourself stitched together,
because I am always trapped in a state of frigid failure and I think
that I might be falling apart on the inside and out but
yet I never change and nothing ever happens
to make anyone notice tha-
I wonder if I will ever be whole because some days I cannot
even decide what to wear in the morning and I always,
always think about perception and things like that,
for example I accidentally dropped my earring down the sink
yesterday and I just started sobbing into the mirror and I wonder
what people thought about me,
like maybe I was having a mental
breakdown but then again,
perhaps that earring was a family heirloom that was worth
more money than a lawyer would ever make,
yet seeing yourself from the outside is different
than seeing your own reflection,
Jesus I never wanted to admit this but I think that I am dying
but I cannot stop myself from keeping the same habits and patterns
and the feeling never leaves anyway
and I always wondered how people had the time
to pray to a higher power
because I could never even wake up in
the morning without four alarms set just in case,
if Jesus decides to come down from chilling up on a cloud and talk
to a little person such as me,
I wonder if he would be able to see all the emotions
that I carry or if he would try to convert me to Christianity,
even though I was raised that way I always just felt lost
and I just could not wrap my head around self-sacrifice like that
until I met you and I realized that your life was most defiantly
worth at least ten of mine,
I'm frightened to think that one day I could end up all alone,
even though I'm pretty sure that I already am because
I push everyone away that does not understand the way that I feel.

My hands shake and tremble even when I am holding yours
and I'm sorry that you are trapped by someone like me.
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