it's glorious outside and
I am in a foul ******* mood
I kicked your dog
I took your kid's candy
I spit in your fries
the sun is shining and
my thoughts are blacker than sin
animal abuse commercials were
made because of me
the ones about the orphans too
the birds are singing and
the sound makes me want
to shove their stupid *******
songs down their stupid *******
throats
the world is laughing 'round me
and all I want to do is beat
it till it screams and shakes and cries
today is not a good day

Something without a definition, I guess,
is one of the most curious things about this world.

Something that isn't in the dictionary of words that overwhelm and pour
over and over and over again
in your mind, like a water spout
cannot be stopped sometimes-
You just have to accept that

It's amazing, really.
How many words that you cannot simply "define"
Like 'sweet' 'salty'
and
'sadness'
words that are in your brain, but no matter how you dig and uproot the word
it's not there anymore.

Leaves, trees, and infallible, useless things
they all make up the world as we know it,
millions of little things upon little things
sugar crumbles and salt sprinkles
upon salty and sweet caramel sundaes.

I wanted to believe.
Thinking that everything that I doubted was for the sake of my useless, worrying mind-
Even though I had a feeling-
That those beautiful days would end-
Decorated with the soft sprinkles of everlasting snow-
Topped with a little light happiness,
I thought and wished that those days would go on forever.
I wanted to think that you were being truthful,
To have no doubt for you-
Even though I had a feeling that you were going to leave me.

Flying into the dark abyss, eyes closed just like a fool’s
The soft sound of sighs pass me
And I can do nothing but try to touch them

The bitterness of coffee is too cruel
For my taste buds,
And I always have to add spoonfuls of sugar, upon sugar,
While you look on, laughing.

Those broken shards of glass falling
I am ashamed to say that too scared for myself,
I didn’t pick them up,
Didn’t rebuild them into what it was rewinded
Running together, the earbuds in my ear kept falling off until you
Told me that it would be easier
To get headphones instead.
Going to store together,
And shopping
Those times were meant to go on forever, really.

That time in winter
Where we lay together in front of the fireplace
Silent, together
I remember thinking-
If this is all, it’s enough.

When you, with nothing but a sad look
Fell off the cliff of sanity
I could do nothing but cry.
Cry useless tears
To bring back the past that would never come back.
Why am I so alone?

How did I not know?
The screams that those silent eyes held-the little spark of pleading and worry in those conflicted pupils-
How did I, so good at reading people, not read you?
It is as if the radio station changed,
Into a different FM, not available in this country.
Why can’t I tune in?
Why are your screams silent?
Is the mute button on?
*If so, where is the volume control?

Before I saw you,
I thought that angels didn't exist.
Before I saw you,
I thought that hope was just a empty word, with a meaning that was ripped out of the dictionary in my mind.
Before I saw you,
I was lost, confused, wandering off the road that everyone at least, seemed to be on,
Seemed to know what a road was,
Even if they were on the "wrong one" as my preschool teacher used to call it but I think I was the only one who raised my hand in class and said-
"Teacher! That doesn't make sense!"
Before I saw you,
Music was just notes on paper,
Something for me to hum and string along on the viola.
Before I saw you, stories were just stories,
And not keys to worlds beyond my fairest imagination.
Before I saw you,
The key to the word "love" was locked
Thrown somewhere on a ***** train track that you fearlessly went on and saw and you brought the key back to me saying with a smile on your smudged face
"Here. I think this is yours."
Before I saw you,
I think I was just living life for the sake of living, just eating for the sake of surviving,
Just studying for the sake of pride,
Until I met you.
When I met you,
The world had color.
A fierce rouge for sunset and lipstick for women
a dark hue that wasn't exactly "black as night" as they called it
A gleaming, neon green that was the color of the hideous jumpsuit you wore for track just once
When I met you,
The word myself had a different meaning, and the broken dictionary that was in my mind fell apart.
When I met you,
I learned the meaning of catching all the Pokémon in the game Pokémon Emerald that I always borrowed, but never returned, but you didn't care, did you?
(Oh look the word Pokémon is in spell-check)
When I met you-
I learned how to write poems-
Mainly because you dragged me to that poetry writing class that you always went to.
When I met you,
I thought, beautiful
Infallible
Unbreakable
**Until the day when you left me
Here alone in the dark.

They found us
walking on shadows
and spitting out dada pictures
of electric dinosaurs in plaid top-hats
licking the third eye of an incandescent sacred bird.
        We were burning up
   so much creative juice
              into laughing gas
           couldn't help but **** on a water bottle
                   as if it were the ***
           of a whale swimming in the arctic
                           simply
          for a few moments of relief.

i thought you looked like a razor--
ready to slit the wrists of the king suit
until i rembered this was deja-vu,
suggesting you could grow wings if you let life guide us.
                   We flew into purple dawn,  
                           a little drunk.