There is this light. Shining so bright it sort of hurt your eyes at first. Then you get used to it and slowly but surely you open your eyes wide enough to see the beauty that stood before you. Something so simple but so hard to obtain was literally standing in front of me. It almost felt unrealistic until I realized the only person making it unreal was me. Still I couldn't understand how to get it or what it would really feel like. Almost as if I was scared to experience it. Anything I ever touched that was beautiful turned to stone. Leaving it only to be a memory or something to gaze at. So how do I grab this magnificent light that was in front of me holding a magnitude that was unexplainable. I had no idea and I was afraid. Afraid of trying or afraid of feeling; I still don't know. Maybe I was too comfortable sitting in the shadows looking in from the outside. Manipulating myself to believe it was just an illusion to dreamers and the hopefuls. Or maybe I simply wouldn't know how to enjoy this light. I wanted to... I want to. But the longer I took, the further away this light seemed to be. I tried pulling myself away from the shadows but it was latched deep, too deep into my body, my veins, and especially my mind. Maybe it was the anxiety. The fear. The insecurity. The doubt. The uncertainty... of the whole thing not being genuine. And I knew that if I didn't try, I'd never know.

I just let you tell me that I needed to change myself
Instead of telling you how I felt
I wish I had a wishing well
So I could wish you well
They say only time could tell

Well..

It told me alot
It told me that I'm no longer needed in this spot
As much as I did for you, it costs alot
Which caused alot
I see what you wanted you got

But you really didn't care
As long as you got your share
You didn't care to spare
It's not really fair
Either way I've paid my fare

As much as I would love to feel
I have no cards left to deal

I never knew how to love myself
Ending up trying but I just loathe myself
Some say it's insecurity
And some say I need help

It's kind of difficult
All these battles I've fought,
Internally...
But I'll admit it's still hurting me

The decisions I've made in the past
The mistakes I can't take back
Secrets no soul will ever know
Stories that will never be told

Wondering how did I let it get this far
How did I let it get this hard
To be happy and open up
Every time I try I get choked up

Buried inside my own soul
Regrets I have to let go
How can I tell my truth,
Without losing you?

So I was just thinking... and I wanted to write something that would resonate in people's heart but then something crossed my mind.
There's this boy.
I've never met anyone like him, in fact, he's one of a kind.
I don't mean to sound cliché but it's true.
I've never had someone look at me the way he does & he does it with such grace.
Sometimes I try to imagine what would my life be like if he wasn't in it.
But I can't.. I wouldn't want to know what it'd be like.
His mouth stretches from ear to ear exposing his bright smile that I adore.
Ya know it's kind of funny how I let someone in.
I mean I had this sort of wall that he unknowingly took down..
I'm not afraid to feel vulnerable -- he gives me nothing to doubt.
The way he holds me I feel like all my worries and troubles fade out of my conscience.
This is a kind of love I've never had -- real love.
I lay my head on his chest and just listen to it beat at a steady pace.
This is where I wanted to be,
wrapped in his embrace where I felt at home.
A home that I long for every time I have to leave it -- him.
His eyes are this deep shade of brown I have yet to figure out, but I am very close.
His lips sit so plump and move so gracefully you'd think he's speaking a foreign language -- the language of love.
Ya know I was doing fine by myself, I was making it.
But when I stumbled upon him, I wanted to know more.
And suddenly I couldn't get enough.
He is like my favorite bottle of *** -- he's intoxicating.
His troubles are my troubles, his worries are my worries.
This boy.. Oh this boy my first real thing.
No I don't care for who was before me and what they were like.
Because just like him, I'm one of a kind.
The things we could be are limitless -- to infinity and beyond..
So I was just thinking... and I wanted to write something that would resonate in people's heart but then something crossed my mind.
There's this boy.
And I'm intoxicatingly in love with him.

Stop.. Why are you crying?

Because you told me I couldn't
Therefore I didn't

You taught me to loathe myself.
And now you come back like "hope all is well."

It's taking me time
Only time could tell

Well..

Everyday I'm learning how to keep it moving
Everything you said "no" to, I'm doing

I'm not afraid,
Anything I didn't do yesterday I'm doing today

I swear..

You altered me
But wonder where's my originality

I hate talking to you because you don't listen
You force me to become a beast within

This is why I can't let anybody in
This is why I repent my sins

Getting my daily bread but it feels like I'm giving in

I thought you loved me enough to send me out in this world
I was supposed to be your #1 girl

But you tricked me

Let me down and filled with insecurity
Let me drown and think I wasn't worthy

Stop.. Why am I crying?
*Because if I said I forgive you I'd be lying