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Samuel H Sep 2020
I can clearly recall the last time I felt so defeated, it’s that same complete series of mental exhaustion I have no fix for.
I can taste that familiar foul.

It was March 2010, 2 months away from my graduation, I still vividly remember those dreadful days.
I did not wake up looking forward to the next day thinking everything was going be sunshine full moon and some kind of deep breathing exercise would have my problems carried away by the wind.
I saw fear and uncertainties waiting to greet me by the twilight.

In a way, I’m still the same old helpless child from a decade ago, not knowing how to cope when I’m stuck in a corner haunted at every turn by my own shadow.
The shadow bears the cross of my bottled up sorrow which in turn gave birth to anger, resentment and bitterness.
The endless lament over lost times and the could have beens is one of the worst songs a singer could sing.
When I lament, I belt.
I don’t wish anyone  to be around when that ****** goes off,
I wish to be alone, I wish to not hurt anyone in the vicinity.

Once life starts resembling butterflies from paradise pollinating sunflowers in lush green field for too long, you fail to remember what calamities are. You start to believe G6 is the only mode of transportation and of course that is delusional.
The master of reality and time who holds the power will in its own time shatter your illusion.
Sometimes it reveals itself with a loud declaration, sometimes a whisper, slowly creeping up on you.

By the time you realized flying a 65 million dollar Gulfstream is not the only way to get around, you would be writing a sappy prose.
It's been a tough year. Relatively.
May 2019 · 681
The Goddess of Liquid Muse
Samuel H May 2019
It’s been long since I last have some to drink
The goddess of liquid muse no longer recognizes me
Silently taking my inspirations away as punishment
Words no longer flow like rivers after rain

Oh melancholy how I miss you
Or is this just pure sadness and emptiness that’s speaking?
Can you still label it as melancholy if you don’t find delight in it?
Oh how I miss the good old days of painless melancholy

I’m trying desperately to vent, to rant ,to find someone who can depend
Maybe you can but it's likely not going to make sense
My troubles are a thousand layers of Baklava that I didn’t bake
Everything is a phase I know but time don’t exist when you are on a trip

I’m playing this game of life like I’m in junior varsity again
Thought I had it all together, what a fool’s paradise did I live in?
Short fused, restless anxiety; agitation running like a ticking time bomb
I say “Hi, how’s it going?” with a smile but the inside is ******
I rambled under influence.
Jun 2018 · 219
Those Ambiguous Eyes
Samuel H Jun 2018
Still can’t quite make up the color of your eyes
Like how I still can’t make up if this is all a disguise
Are they green or are they hazel?
Are you the devil or are you the angel?

Clint who?
Does he even like fondue like i do?!!
Dude is just one of the crews
I’d eat him like ragu

As the stage laments on about “I will love you”
I brush the tip of my wandering fingers over your olive tan skin
Barely touching, craving more than what’s given and then some
“Give me a lifetime and then 50 more…” - I’m a hopeless what can i say

Aimed to plant my lips on yours
But they ended up on your teeth; I guess they slipped
Blamed that on your cheeky silly smile
Let’s make the next one worthwhile

Replaying scene after scene from last night
Reciting them night after night
3rd date
Dec 2017 · 218
Cinderella
Samuel H Dec 2017
Cinderella,
our dance lasted just a little more than an hola

Like the fairytale,
I barely got your detail before I lost your trail

Quirky, earthy and sorta birdie
so captivating like a painting in a gallery

You were gone right at twelve,
but worse than Cinderella herself
you didn't even leave a shoe behind
now I don't know whose foot to find

Samuel H Nov 2017
Poems after poems
Rhythms after rhythms
Shoddy muses came and went

I’m still stuck writing the same thing ten different ways
I’m about to puke from getting sick of spelling out my emotions to myself
I’m so close to drawing a line of sand dividing my odd despair from the rest of the world

Just how much longer before the end of this endless ***** laundry cycle?
The hollow feels almost eternal if it wasn’t for logic’s persuasion   

My eyes wide opened, looking at everything but I’m not seeing anything

“Hard drive scan error, nothing is registering.”

Maybe some early sleep would help
Maybe some chamomile would sooth
Maybe I should stop walking around feeling only the shell of myself
Go to bed boy…
time to go to bed

A shoddy day. The early sleep really helped though.
Nov 2017 · 164
A Glimpse of Y.O.U.
Samuel H Nov 2017
God put you there
It wasn't an accident
His plan was clear
It wasn't a coincident

Just so we could cross path
Just so I could catch a glimpse of you
Just a glimpse before His wrath
Just enough to learn perfection spells Y.O.U.

Even though it was short-lived
I was invested more than I should
Not because you were the fifth
But because in a crowd, out you really stood

My head was whacked hard
So hard that I lost all my guard
Disappointment leaving me a little scarred
Now I'm busy picking up my scattered chest of cards
Nov 2017 · 803
Trail Mix
Samuel H Nov 2017
There is a bag
In it is an assortment of emotions  
Joy, mostly
But also strains of sadness and disappointment
Like a handful of trail mix with raisins
Nobody likes them but we all eat them anyway
Because what’s trail mix without a few annoying raisins
Life is not always chocolate and M&Ms
Raisins' job is to make M&Ms taste even better.
Nov 2017 · 170
Red Flags
Samuel H Nov 2017
It started off like instant fireworks
You stood in front of me like one of those classic artworks
So stunning, my heart wouldn't stop thumping

Sparks and chemistry so effortless
Witty exchanges with cleverness
Common interests and togetherness
All that was fueling my blinded eagerness

So blinded I stopped seeing the color Red
Thought they were just flags, regular flags
Picked up my sword of rationale and shattered the biased delusional shade over my eyes
I see flags, Red and lies
Walking away with my shield of pride
She is another Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
Nov 2017 · 239
Soul…mate
Samuel H Nov 2017
Never thought you existed
Until the day you stood in front of me
My world turned upside down
All rationales went out the window
The window I’ve spent years to build to keep people out
You peeked through the seams no one’s ever been
You caught a glimpse of my soul no one’s ever seen
Leaving me exposed and vulnerable.  

I love your strong independent personality
as i recognize how we have finally both meet our match

I love the way our eyes suddenly met in the crowd of people
and we just intensely peered a second too long

I love the way you smile and how it just broke through my jaded heart
like a hammer shattering glasses

I love the way you are comforted
as I held you hand and weighted tears were made ok

I love the way you stood close to me
as we slightly touched, skin to skin
it’s really the only thing I could feel anymore

I want to be the touch you crave for in a cold dark night
I want to be your idea of perfect imperfections
I want to be the lighthouse to the ghost ship you are steering
I want to be everything you never thought you deserve
I want to be your champion of the dreams you dare not dream
I want to be the Bible you spend a lifetime reading,
as at every turn of a page and
every line of psalm is a layer of undiscovered passion
ready to feed your soul  
And all I really want is to hold you and not let go
cocoon you in my warmth until the moon comes up and goes back down

So let your weary guard down and I will be your guardian forever
Even though whatever we have might not even last, I want to let you know that
I would walk with you till the end of the road, the very end
for I finally know what soulmate means through the glisten in your eye
It was just a cliche until...
Oct 2017 · 652
Cheese Board
Samuel H Oct 2017
Once upon a time,
You were bound for someone’s fireplace
Ready to burn yourself to keep the cold out
Sacrificing yourself for the warmth
An admirable ambition nonetheless
But what a shame of a way to go
You were exceptional, so one of a kind
Like a buoy in the ocean
You stood out among a sea of commotion  

With no hesitation,
A craftsman decided to fight for your alternate life
Picked you up, hauled you home
Boy, what a heavy log you were
For you to truly shine
Rots needed to be axed
Botches needed to be sanded
Cracks needed to be filled
After a lifetime of love and care
Now you get to literally say
“Dinner’s on me!”

Chainsaw marks and scratches still remain
A part of who you are but no longer in pain
With new purpose and endeavor
Looking as beautiful as ever
P.S. Started this poem thinking “I’m gonna write about the cheese board I’m making.”
Half way through, I realized it could also be about how a battle worn person like the log after going
through the renewing process with the right support from a craftsman or in human sense, family and friends came out a better, lighter, happier version of itself. So go back and read it again from a different perspective.
Oct 2017 · 164
Embrace
Samuel H Oct 2017
Baby girl,
Tell me all your hopes and dreams
All your nightmares and screams
For my arms of comfort are ready to embrace
Embrace all that of you, beauty and disgrace
Oct 2017 · 314
You Promised Me the World
Samuel H Oct 2017
You showed me a picture of Eichorn
and promised me the world
The world was the peak, what a beautiful sight it was.
“A year from now we will be on top of that thing. Look at it!”
I bought my second pair of shoes today
They are brand spanking new just like yours from a year ago

A year has gone by, the peak is still there
but we are not there
You sold me dreams and hopes that I would need to fulfill alone
….or with some random hot girls!
******* it Ben!
A buddy of mine who got me into climbing but he ditched after a month.
Oct 2017 · 395
The road winds and winds
Samuel H Oct 2017
The road winds and winds
until we lost our way back,
back to where we were.
As the clock ticks away
the image of you fades away.
You might be unforgettable
but I’m afraid my days are reducing you to a decimal.

The road winds and winds
and I’m standing here on your spot,
the spot where I picked you from the sea of climbers.
You were grooving to your playlist like I was; a rare sight.
The memory of you hanging on to those rocks, not giving up
like a stubborn chipmunk.
I knew I had to talk to you.
“Do you want chocolate milk? It makes you stronger.”
And just like that
2 walls built with earphones collided; a rare sight.

The road winds and winds
but I keep looking back,
back at that night when sand in hour glass stood still,
back at that night when the crowd was just the 2 of us just chill,
back at the time before I said what I shouldn’t have said and it went downhill.
That was me trying too hard, that was me being a ******.
I put us six feet under,
and now i will forever be in wonder.
I could have said ANYTHING, ANYTHING instead
but my ego denied your breakfast in my bed.

The road winds and winds
and all that I’m left with are the memories of
your charm
and
your calm
and the way I made you disarm.
You laughing at my cheesy rhyme,
it was as if a ray of sunburst gleamed on my crystalized heart
melting the cold away,
but most of all
I remember
the way you challenged me in the game of silly witty jest.
No one has ever kept up but you, you kept up; a rare sight.

The road winds and winds
leaving me behind phantomly blind,
phantom… because we were never anything.
I want to say please don’t go, oh please don’t go
but we both know… that’s not how it’s gonna go.
It’s easy to say *“That wasn’t me! I’m not actually like that.”

But that was me
I did that and I hated me
So now i gotta own it
Now i gotta live with it
What I did haunted me in the night
woke me up in cold sweat
and your fainting silhouette stuck on my damped chest
I took a misstep
and made a mistake
And now i feel nothing but ache

The road winds and winds*
and I don’t know the way back.
I was being stupid and now I'm living with it.

Spoken on SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/samuelhii/the-road-winds-and-winds
Oct 2017 · 200
Bullseye
Samuel H Oct 2017
“All the other girls are target practices
for your bullseye.”
I couldn't have come up with this line sober.
Oct 2017 · 151
The Demon Named Anxiety
Samuel H Oct 2017
The demon named anxiety
Came knocking yesterday
I opened the door unsuspectingly
It was intensely dark outside
Coiled around his merciless fingers was my delicate soul
Making my heart pound hard like war drums

Count to the tenth
Take a deep breath
Maybe I can breathe the demon to death


War drums still pulsing violently
I guess that did not work
With no escape in sight
The helpless sheep took over
Leaving me defenseless
Exposed, I resolved to the only thing I do well

I’m riding this out proud
I’m writing this aloud
I’m sleeping this sound


And that was when a ghost named insomnia came stirring
I don't usually feel this way, not sure what's up.
Oct 2017 · 154
Mason Jar
Samuel H Oct 2017
I mason jarred my heart today,
don’t drop it recklessly,
the jar will break,
so will my heart.
I love mason jars.
Oct 2017 · 182
Tangled
Samuel H Oct 2017
The string of my heart is tangled up
by the muffled mind of my own
for which I lost the cleverness to articulate
It's hella annoying. One of those days when you just CANNOT for the life of you find the right words.
Oct 2017 · 454
Wanna Go On A Date?
Samuel H Oct 2017
Leave me bruises and pain
If that's what it takes for a date
It would even be paid!
"Not gonna happen" I would not take
But wait wait I barely know your name
And that's why we need to up the game
Just want to know you're not wearing somebody else's shell
Just need to know your name, your real name
Oh girl, you backpack?
I think I just hit 21, blackjack!
Gluten intolerance I can tolerate  
Gluten makes you constipate anyway
This poem wants to say "Yo eyes so drowning blah blah blah"
But my heart wants to say "Words don't cut it nah nah nah"
Ahhh **** it. Cliche alert
Like egg yolks to grannies
Your eyes are candies
So I just threw up and swiped right
What do you say? Should we fly a kite and eat some Thai?
Recited this silly poem to a gluten free girl I found intriguing today. She impersonates a perfect granny voice and loves Thai food. Just some context.
Oct 2017 · 1.6k
When I Read Your Poems
Samuel H Oct 2017
This struck a chord!
That just stabbed me like a sword!
“The earth laughs in flowers.”
How did you even come up with that?!

So much ingenuity
So much imagery
Your words derived from my muted emotion
So relatable, I could fall even without your love potion

Through your words
Petals cried
Lips lied
And kisses had eyes
With a pen, you breathed life into the dead; god in disguise

Sometimes, I wonder what you'd been through to spill like that
But all I could really do is keep on inking and not falling flat
Maybe someday my words could string your heart
Like yours to mine, then I would have done my part
To all you talented people here. My mind gets blown everyday by some of the stuff you guys put out.
Oct 2017 · 607
The Wall
Samuel H Oct 2017
Catch me naked and bare
A scabbed heart is what you’ll find
So much tear and wear
All that is left is a wall to be climbed

Fought in battles and wars
A tired soul gifted as prize of war
All that but still no remorse
For the tired soul no longer sore
Oct 2017 · 228
Solitude
Samuel H Oct 2017
No one to depend,
wished you were here to amend.
Oct 2017 · 409
The Ray of Sunburst
Samuel H Oct 2017
It didn’t rain today
that struck me in a peculiar way
The sun is shining out
almost forgot what you were about
I think I’m ready for summer
for all you pretty brown eyes held me down no longer
I want to keep the sunburst I regain
maybe until i see you again
Oct 2017 · 395
Her Nomadic Charm
Samuel H Oct 2017
The essence of her nature is enchanting,
for her to laugh till the tears come is as adorable as Ryan Gosling.
  
The image of her face is not plain,
for her stardust freckles are as endearing as the smell of after rain.

The thought of looking away is unthinkable,
for her hazel eyes are as alluring as visible cash to a habitual criminal.

So let’s slow dance alone in this crowded kitchen tonight,
for tomorrow drifters like us might be gone by dawn light.
Oct 2017 · 199
This Is Just To Say
Samuel H Oct 2017
I have taken
the eggs
that were on
the shelf

And which
I probably should
have
paid for

Forgive me
they were necessities
so organic
and so expensive
I stole some eggs
Samuel H Oct 2017
Ay chica,

You looking fly from head to zapatos,
You make me want to ditch my vatos.

I heard your name es Edna,
I want to make you mi reina.

So let's dance some salsa,
Before me besa.
Mixed in some spanish words cause she latina.
Oct 2017 · 231
The Void Driving Back Home
Samuel H Oct 2017
You say “Hey, squeeze your muscles.”
but I say “Hey, let’s stay a little longer in our bubbles.”

I know you are no longer there
but I still remember your favorite beer.

This world can be unforgiving like a curse
but I know we can make it in a parallel universe.

Supposed to forget about you like all them gold diggers
but the aftertaste of your kiss still lingers.

All I can say is “Somehow, this **** is broken.”,
but i wonder if you’d say “Hey you, I have just as many words unspoken.”.

I want to say “Please don’t go.”
but my lips stop at “I have a boyfriend y’know.”

Those words were detrimental,
Couldn’t have been reversed
but I know you know deep down,
our dates were full of potential,
couldn’t have been rehearsed.

The drive back home is as devoid as the one before
but I want is all of you and more.
The long drive back home alone after her.

— The End —