F life it puts us through hell and expects us to stand strong against it all. Iy fircus uus to make impossible decisions. And all we can do is hope we made the right choice. It is trying to drown all of us at once. It turns us against one other. Making us race to the top of an unclimbable mountain, that never stops growing. There is always someone better or something new we must have, to be the best. It places us in front of these mirrors that point out every little flaw or annoyance. Until we just stand still. Hoping if we never move again that we will never make another mistake. Life is an unfair dealer. It hands some of us straight flushes constantly. But will never give us more than a mere ace from time to time. I call these ace’s of false hope. For they fill us up with just enough hope that we try again. Just to rip the ace away pushing us back down under the water. Just to watch our sprites break over and over again. We fight tooth and nail to get an inch ahead when some are handed everything. Life continues to run us over like we are nothing. Expecting us to get up just for it to happen again. F life for being unfair and expecting us to be ok with it.

I fear my time is near. It is not that I fear death but I fear I have not gotten to fully live. For I have lived but have I enjoyed it? Have I gotten to do everything I wished too. Have I made something out of myself. Have I loved and learned? Or have I wasted life on the view of others. Wasted moments being worried about the next. Will I have left a story to be told for ages. Or have I done nothing to change the world I lived on for so many years. Now I realize that I have wasted life. But you have the chance to be different. Stop wasting time with the view of others and the moments you fear to miss. And take the world by storm. Make a name for yourself. Create a story of how you change the world that will be told for ages. Do not become me laying here fearing death for I know soon I will be forgotten. Become a name in the history books. And a story to never be forgotten.

Why do you leave? You always leave. You see inside of me and it is as if you become fearful of me. As if you did not come with me. But you said no matter what you’d always care. Do you? Do you still care? Do care that I sit here now wondering? Because trust me I wonder. I wonder if it was my fault. I wonder if you miss me like I miss you, I wonder. And I will never stop. Our time together was short, but I loved it. I became attached to it soon, like always. But I can't believe that I met you and felt like I didn’t have to hide. I felt I could be me. I told you how rare it was for me to feel that but you still left. You barely gave me a reason and you left. You walked out like everyone. I hate myself for caring but I don’t think I can not. I told you who I really was. I did things with you that I haven’t done in a long time. I show you things that I hadn’t trusted anyone with in so long. That so many other forces on me and took from me. I gave it to you willingly. And you still leave. Maybe I do ruin everything. But you will just become another reason why people will never know me. You are part of the reason I fear opening up. Because I pour out my heart and soul to people and they always leave. Vanishing as if time together meant nothing to them. But what none of them get, what you did not get, is that our time together meant the world to me. For you made me laugh when I felt dead inside. You stop my tears from pouring out. You were the person I picked the phone and called when I felt like the world was crushing me. When I wanted to take a gun and blow my brains out. And you were there then. Is that why you left? You left but so does everyone else. So at this point it must be me? I am the reason everything vanished out of my life. I am too much for anyone to deal with. But I don’t know how to fix myself so I will keep losing everyone. And will hide my pain from everyone including my family in fear of losing them too.

There once was a little girl. She walked around with her light to protect her from the darkness. The darkness tried to hurt her. One day someone dimed her light and the darkness struck. It wrapped around her throat making her gasp for air. It crushed it’s full weight down on her shoulders. But worse of all it infected her mind. It controlled her. It planted lies that grew into weeds. It convinced her that she was unlovable and worthless. It caused her to isolate herself. For the fear consumed her. The fear of what people would say if they found out about the darkness inside. She didn’t know how to fight it. But her light started to glow again. The darkness ran and hid. They stayed and protected her as she tried to fix what the darkness had destroyed. But the weeds were still inside her mind and the light had no way of protecting her from them. The weeds feed the poor little girl more lies everyday. Until her light flickered out and the darkness struck once again. She has been stuck like this. Her light flickering on and off. The darkness strikes when it can. She begs for this cycle to end. She wishes she knew how to keep her light on. How to get the darkness to let go of her. But she doesn't. So she will repeat this torturous cycle till the darkness claims her permanently.

She walked out onto the middle of the frozen lake. No coat, no gloves, nor hat for she bid not need to be warm For everything inside of her was already dead. And soon she would be too. On the frozen lake was everyone from her life. All at once they looked up and realized what she had done. All eyes on her as she dropped hitting the cold ice. Turning the ice where she now lay red. Red from the blood that was pouring out of the fresh slits on her wrist. Some ran to try and save her. Others knew it was already too late. Some shocked, some praised. Some  didn't even care that she is now dying. But she had already been dying. Not physical but on the inside she has been slowly dying causing her to do this. She used her last breaths to thank everyone who tried to save her from herself. Saying her final I love yous and goodbyes. She took her last breath and then finally got the peace she so badly wanted. No more fighting or voices or emptiness, just peace.

A part of  me changed; it was shrapnel left after the explosion. An explosion that turned the world as I knew it upside down. An explosion that changed me fundamentally on the inside. But the story isn’t about the explosion or even the after waves it caused. I have written far too many stories about that. This story is about the shrapnel becoming beautiful. For so long I looked at it like it was too shattered to be used. But now I see it for what it truly is. It is the beauty so many wish for. The thing that separates me from everyone around me. It is the most important part in me. For so long I hated it. I hated it because I blamed it for everything. I hated it; I'm embracing it  about making it one with me instead of forcing it out. Following it no matter what. Listening to it’s voice and allowing it to guide me through all the darkness into the light that I wanted, needed. Creaved, and deserved. The only way to be free and happy is to stop hating me. And start loving me. Because I deserve to be free from the darkness. I deserve to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. I never deserved the thighs I went through. I love myself and that is all I need in life ever.

they say poison slowly kills. I say with enough poison you become stronger. you no longer let people dump their toxic waste into your life. instead you poison the monster who thought they could **** you. poison doesn't **** you it merely gives you the power to take revenge. the world only see t as bad because they fear the powerful. they fear that you will no longer take everyone's toxic waste without complaint. they fear you will start a revolution. but i say we need one. we need to let the world  know that we are not something that they are allowed to destroy us and expect us to st there quietly broken. they label us as poison so they can keep breaking us. we are not poison we are strength waiting for the perfect time to strike.