i want to scream.
i want to cry.
i want to feel something other than the numbness that's overtaken my thoughts for the past 2 months.
i want to tell the people how they hurt me,
how they made me sob on sleepless nights until no more tears came out.
i want to conquer my fears, anxieties
but no.
i'm ******* numb.

why is the only thing i can think about pain?
i don't truly want to end it all

i just want to feel alive again.

11:11
is my favorite time.
a time for sweet hopes for the future
as i fall asleep once more.

i just wish that once in a while,
they'd come true

you are
my sunshine.
my love.
my rock.
my protector.
my big spoon.

you are the reason
for my smiles.
for the laughter through my tears.
for my sweet dreams.
for my hope and optimism in hard times.

i can't wait to marry you

guess what kids
someday you're going to find out the real truth about life.
"what is it?" you ask!

the truth is
people ******* lie
and the only person they really care about
is themselves.

today i write
not a poem, but a sort of story.
last weekend at about this time exactly,
i contacted the national suicide hotline.
i wasn't suicidal, necessarily,
but i sure as hell wasn't safe to myself.
i spent that night crying, reading stories of recovery while i waited.
i stopped the chat request when i was next in line because the wait time was too long,
and went to bed in a dark room almost as dark as my mind,
a late night call to my love only a temporary help for my suffering.

the next morning
i felt the same.
a bit later i contacted the helpline again.
this time i let the chat connect.
we talked, i was able to unload.
and after that,
for the first time in a long time,
i felt peaceful, and not only that
but like i could truly fight again.

i guess what i'm trying to say here is
there is a way out.
there is hope.
it looks different for everyone, and it may be hard.

but don't
            stop
                 fighting.

you are loved. <3

relationships aren't always 50/50 on give and take.
sometimes you need to pick it up for the other person,
and they do the same to you.
but lately it feels like i need you 80, and you need me way more than 20.
and i don't know how much more of me i have to give.

i feel like i'm disappearing.

this **** quarantine
is keeping me from getting
my daily dose of cuddles!!!!

after 15 years of pretending
she finally found the strength
to be who she was made to be.

she straightened her hair
and painted her face with
just the right concoction.

she picked out her clothes
staring at her closet with
nerves and anger.

for once, she just wanted
someone to love her
all of her

not the made up, revealing, night on the town her.
the real her.
sweatpants, messy bun her.

she wanted the freedom to be real.

i love you
i love the nicknames you call me,
          and the cutesy things we do.
but i also love when you're completely focused
          in your element, and i can stare at you in awe.
i love how you've never been afraid to speak your mind,
          and how you make me feel safe in every situation.
i love it when you sing to make me smile
          and tell stories to make me laugh.

most of all, i love how        
          somehow, in this mixed up world
we found each other
          and never looked back.

dark antique wood
blacks and grays
glowing warm lights

paint under fingernails
sunflowers in a vase
love notes and messy handwriting

curly hair, green eyes
dancing under the light of the moon
run, leap, be free

creativity, passion
cotton, linen, airy
soft, natural, pastel yellow

secrecy, beauty, trust
stolen hoodies, stolen kisses
soft rock on a record player

adventures, twilight
hopes, fears, dreams
peace in the silence

to me
love is
     our inside jokes that make me laugh until i cry.
love is
     tears being dried on the hardest days.
love is
     the warmth i get when our fingers intertwine.
love is
     stifled laughter from forbidden calls at one am, and
          secrets being shared with the one i fully trust.

love is more than a feeling.
love is an eyeroll, the butterflies in my stomach.
love is matching bracelets, lazy days, stolen kisses, and those returned.

love is promises kept, telling the truth, and holding each other up.

he made me believe in love again.

the world has never waited for me to catch up.
it's always been moving
                                  spinning
               ­                        dancing
in ways i could never understand.

but then i met you
and when you held my hand
     time
          stood
               still.

he said
when you are crying
          i will dry your tears.
when you feel like self-destructing
          i will sing softly to you for as long as you need.
when you are broken
          i will lie with you, and we can do beautiful nothing together.
when you are wordless
          i will understand.
when you can't move
          i will be there for you.
when the past is choking you
          i will gather you into my arms.

i will love you through everything.
every brokenness
          every fear
                    and every "what if."

it will be you and me,
me and you,
no matter what.

she said
will you love me when i'm crying so hard i can't speak
will you love me when i want to litter my arms with lines
will you love me when i'm broken and can't move
will you love me when i'm wordless
will you love me when i can't get out of bed
will you love me when the past is choking me
will you love me when i'm gaunt
                                                      pale
                                                           shattered


will you love me when the world is swirling
when i am numb

will you love me through it all?

i was drunk off of your physical touch
every other part became the hangover.

how come the people who say they love you never care
how come they leave when things get hard
how come parents don't understand that they mess you up
how come they tell you not to stress instead of asking you why
how come when you get in a bad mood the thing they ask is
how late were you up last night.
how come it's all a lie
why do i have to do it by myself again and again and again
why does everything just mess me up
why

the pursuit of happiness
is just the pursuit of self
in disguise.

feet pounding
ahead and behind me.
hearts racing
all at once.
adrenaline pulsing
through our brains as we think towards our goal.
3.1 miles
through trails, grass, hills, gravel.
3.1 miles
of speed, pain, sweat, and tears.
3.1 miles
of tempo, pace, surging, grit.
3.1 miles
till the euphoria that lasts for hours.
this is cross country.
this is my home.

they judge
so innocently.
they don't see
what lies beneath.
the horror.
the depression, anxiety, pain.
the thoughts, the worries, the fear.
the memories of the past.
it's all hidden, deep down inside.
how would they know?
how would i tell them?
so my answer, always
"i'm fine."

hello
it's been awhile
i thought you were never going to be here again
i thought i was stronger
i thought i could take care of myself, my brain
i thought sleep would come easier

i thought a lot of things.

welcome back, terror of the night.

this is my poetry
my creation, in words
as i am reborn through
the outpouring of thoughts
all coming together
to create
the picture in my head

i sit to write
but words won't come
mind not focusing
thoughts not processing
hope failing

she's about to leave again
and i'm hiding my fear
need
        to
             stay
                   strong


but can i?

when his arms are wrapped around me
it seems like for once
everything will be okay.

i'm sorry things ended the way they did
but don't you see they had to?
you never truly understood
truly cared
talking to you was like you were constantly playing my
uno reverse cards
flipping it all back to you
in the end
i couldn't be real anymore
but could you actually, truly
be real with me?
in the end
distance was the only way to fix this.

i do not really understand
who you have become
why you have changed.
what used to seem so real, so clear
is gone.
talking to you is like
speaking through a
foggy
thick
translucent window
where the full picture is distorted
and i never know if you are fully understanding.
i don't want to lose what we have
but i don't know if you truly care

ruby is a fire
that's the only way to explain it.
she is the earth's energy
laughing, dancing
she is beautiful, and
so powerful, more than she knows really.
but like all fires, when not contained
she spreads
wreaking havoc
causing bitter, bitter pain
and because of her,
things will never be the same.

why am i so cold
i'm making my brain
freeze

he is young, innocent, only 7 years old
my brother's feet rarely touch the ground
running, kicking, exploring
there's always something new with him
he shares
small facts, bad jokes, big ideas that
i can't believe were crafted by someone so small

he's growing up
soon he'll be
running off with friends leaving his
childhood toys behind
bringing home a girlfriend forgetting the whole
girls have cooties thing
wearing his cap and gown
waving,
waving at our family as
he begins life on his own

it's sad
bittersweet because
i wish he could stay
my little baby brother forever

believe me

I listen
        
                    I do

                             I

just

                     could not
                
                 get     free

       I

cannot escape

i wish for a quiet, a hush
for people to stop yelling
dogs to stop barking
babies to stop crying
for everyone to take a step back
and realize
life is bigger than
this moment's sadness

"i'm sorry," he whispered
in passing, but
nothing he says will make up for
everything he took from me

though she is broken
her smile is a sunbeam
shining through the clouds

broken, shattered heart
left on read with tears again
why is she staying?

a kiss on the cheek
"i love you," said to the air
unreturned love

hand in hand they walk
over mountains and valleys
never letting go

she hides who she really is
under pretenses of laughter and joy
when inside
her thoughts spiraling
as she gets colder and colder
quieter and quieter
thinner and thinner
until all that remains is a gaunt shadow
of what they thought she was
she slowly starts to disappear
as sun turns to fallen leaves and fallen leaves to snow
they start to not notice her anymore
start to forget
the one who once brought in so much life
is now just existing, barely living
trying to hold on as
it becomes a struggle just to wake up in the morning
to bring the fork to her mouth
to leave the house
to talk
as she becomes
smaller and smaller
her thoughts withering her away
until there is nothing left
but dust.

i remember his eyes
bright green
that looked at me and made me feel
alive,
whole,
like a real person
i remember
how they crinkled at the edges when he laughed
really laughed, and
how they lost their life, deadened
when he was sad

i remember his hands
and how mine felt when
they were clasped tightly inside them
i remember they were cold
and mine were cold
so we kept each other warm, regardless of
the looks of those around us

i remember him
and how
he made me feel warm
safe
and for once
not alone.