it's always worse than it seems.
there are so many smiles everyday
but you can never know whose world is upside down.
it's just easier to smile than explain why i'm sad.
and this depression is like a prison
that makes me both the prisoner and the jailer.
i guess death seems more inviting than life does.

"are you okay."
am i okay.          
"are you okay."
why does it always seem to rain on me.
these little words of condolence
are the words that rain down          
and leave me drenched and wet.
i just want to feel okay again.                    
but every time someone asks me if i'm okay,
it reminds me that i'm not

“for our political leaders,
may they resolve their differences
that plague our planet,” the speaker says.
(“lord hear our prayer,” everyone but me says.)
i look up at the priest.
he sits at the altar with his eyes closed.
is this so he can’t see my shaking hands.
does he think he can hide my pain.
“for those who have died,
may they find peace in heaven
with our lord god and jesus christ.”
(“lord hear our prayer,” is what i don’t say.)
they think they can hide my pain,
thinking things will get better.
but that doesn’t mean the pain is gone.
it’s just that no one can see it.
they never will.
“for those who starve for love
and have hunger for another soul,
may they no longer be lonely.”
(and i finally say, “lord hear our prayer.”)
i miss the taste of your lips
and feeling your arms around me.
but i will always be hungry and lonely.
my only companion will be loneliness.
it’s all my fault.
i made a million promises and mistakes.
but those broken promises and mistakes
is what makes up me now.
you gave to me and i can’t give back.
lord hear my prayer.
amen.