it’s a year of firsts without you here. thanksgiving is coming up and you’re. not here.
fall and winter don’t feel. good to enjoy without you. and there’s a hole. deep inside that I’ve tried and tried to fill. but there’s nothing in this world. to fill the hole you left. stared the bottle down. cursed this life a hundred times. I’m quick to anger. quick to run when things get hard. **** good at hiding my pain under something else. christmas isn’t gonna be the same. you should be here. hold a spot at the table just. for you and your kindness. don’t want to. start a new year without you. don’t want to start. a new year without you. all the way across. the country far away. from you and the place I called home. grief is. complicated and messy and circular. I wish. I had gone to your funeral. If not to be. with family. but to say goodbye to you. goodbye to you. words I’ll never be ready to say. you were mine. my world. my north star. the flame that kept my life candle burning. love you more. love you most. miss you till. I see you again.

last night I saw you in my dreams.
just as crystal clear as the day you told me you were ready to leave.
An old man told me to be careful what I wish for.
pretty sure I saw Jesus, and grandma, how can that be?
I watched my life pass before my eyes last night.
watched him hold me like he used to, watched us dance around the bedroom like before.
they say life is to short to worry about death.
but what if death is merely a telescope to your life that you can peer into and find the joy?
I woke up this morning with tears on my face.
I wanted to fall back asleep, wanted to see you again and get back whatever time we lost.
last night I saw you in my dreams.
last night I touched your hands and I remembered all the ways you made me smile.
last night I saw him in my dreams.
last night I said goodbye to a love i never thought I would ever let go of.

it's cold outside and I can't sleep. hard not to get stuck in the cycle of thinking that I'm nobody in this city. hard not to think that I'll never be good enough for someone, that all I'll ever be will only ever be defined by what I've done in the past, and not by what I'm doing now.

I've tried running from my past, and it didn't work. I'm facing who I used to be, and I've been working and taking steps to be different and change the way I go about life. I don't smoke as much and I don't drink as much either. but I also don't do yoga. I also don't go for walks by myself and I don't do half the things I used to do when I wasn't doing well. nobody's to blame but me. And I sure wish people would stop judging my person by the things I've done in the past. I'm trying to get better, stop being so mean.

And it's 1.20 in the morning and I can't sleep. I can't shake the feeling that I'll never be enough for anyone around me. I can't shake the thoughts running through my head, clashing against the ones that tell me to keep going. I keep a light on at night, afraid that if I let the darkness swallow me, I'll never arise from the depression that constantly surrounds me. and I don't talk to people about what's really going on because nobody can really help me. you can't save me. I have to do that on my own.

and because of how I've been treated in the past, I'm less likely to reach out and ask someone directly and clearly for help. I would rather lightly vent and then deal with it on my own. because the last time I asked someone close to me for help, they gaslighted me and made it so bad that I honestly thought suicide was my only way out of the hell I was living.

and maybe I look and seem fragile and weak and naive and oblivious to the world around me, but truth is, I notice and I see and I hear just about everything around me. I see the way people look at me, before they know my past and after they learn it. their looks go from sweet and understanding to wary and distrustful. they treat you less like a person and more like unwanted lettuce they don't want in their salad. they say they understand and want to help you move through it, but really they don't want that burden.

They'll swear that they love you no matter what, and then later they'll say sorry, but your past is unforgivable. And you'll say that it's ok, you're used to people leaving you, but in reality, it hurts so bad, you can't tell what hurts more, them leaving, or the harsh reality that nobody is going to ever love you unconditionally.

Love is not unconditional. It always comes with a price, and often the cost of love is a price nobody ever wanted to pay. they say that love is the answer, but it's what kills us in the end. and you might want him to stay forever, but do you really think you can handle paying the price that his love costs? and when he says he'll love you at no price, forever, don't take his word for it. because even though he says it in the beginning, he'll change his mind, and you'll be stuck paying the price while he gets to walk away with barely a scratch on him.

Intertwine your life with mine. Sleepy mornings filled with love. Wrap your arms around me and I’m complete again. Whisper your deepest  desires in my ears. I’ll wake you with a cup of coffee in bed. come home from work late. I’ll run into your arms as if you’ve been gone for days. a life with you is all I’ve ever wanted. I’m in love with the deepest parts of your soul. Love, this the fairytale ending I’ve been looking for.

forgiveness. a word I never thought to apply to the years we spent together. forgiveness. the things you did, the words I said. there’s a million excuses I could give to justify why I never did it. there’s a hundred thousand reasons why I should. healing. we had our own ways of trying to heal ourselves and we hurt each other in the process. healing. the damage that was done in the process is something I’ll never forget. there’s a lot of things I could say to explain away why I blamed you for the pain I was in. and there’s so many reasons why I never showed up to apologize for the way things ended. acceptance. one day I’ll be able to look you in the eye and be okay. acceptance. maybe someday you won’t be a stranger in the same sense. forgiveness. i forgive you. forgiveness. i forgive you.

and here we are, pushing each other once more.
words spilling out, I told you to change your tune. swore a promise to myself, I’d leave the next time you hurt me. and you, telling me you’ll never do it again. careless with my heart, what was I supposed to do next? you stood on my heart, telling me I should put my faith in you, not him. honey, I’m not the girl of your dreams. the minute I told you I was leaving, you said you’d marry me if I’d just put my bags down and stay with you. told you a hundred times that I’m not gonna be a stay at home gal. and my bags are packed and I leave in august. Bout five states away and a three hour time difference. not sure I care what you think anymore since you’ve been talking to three different girls this whole time. so forgive me if the taste of you makes me sick. forgive me if this time, I’m done.