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Jun 2015 · 644
Died
Sam Conrad Jun 2015
My grandpa died last September
A new girl has come and gone much the same as the girl I was hung up on before
Something tells me I'm not alright
Sam Conrad Aug 2014
This poem is a story about me. I'm writing it at 4:30 AM because I can't sleep and it's better than smoking cigarettes.

I'm 19. Male, half korean, half American mutt. For some reason, I have this photographic memory. I remember too things like they just happened yesterday. I get flashbacks to events I shouldn't remember. Things I shouldn't think about. Other memories never get past the tip of my tongue. I have PTSD with the dumbest triggers you could imagine. I live every day on the edge with pent-up feelings even though I tell people I do not feel. It's hard to make me laugh, and it's hard to make me cry, and I feel awfully lonely.

I remember elementary school. Age 5... I'll remember the first day I rode a school bus for the rest of my life. I think at least 8 kids asked me if I was Chinese on my walk to the back, and some disgustingly fat kid across the aisle was begging people for paper scraps to shoot spitballs at "the *****". The next 13 years weren't much easier than that day. As I grew up, I found it necessary to grow my wit. I disguised my sorry feelings behind clever jokes while people began to like me. I made some friends, but I felt so alone. I always felt like nobody liked me when it was probably only me that didn't like me.

Senior year of high school, I fell in love with a girl, and this is a really long story too except that I can sum it up that I just ruined her life and now she won't talk to me. But she was the sunrise to what had been a dark, dark life. She was my safety and my warmth. It wasn't about how cute she was or what she looked like. I fell in love with the person inside of her. We did some stupid things, disobeyed her parents. Her parents then damaged me for loving her... and I made mistakes I'll forever regret. I never meant to hurt her, but ... Everything I did to her - and what she's done to me, the guilt I put on myself before she ever left and the pain that she brought on me after she did... I cried to myself for 200 straight days and even though my friends have picked me up, it still makes me feel like the most pathetic being on this planet and I'm sure just like she knows now not to waste any her time on a waste of human life, that was nothing without her.
It's a year after and I know she's lesbian but I still just wish she was here to hug me.
I don't even know how a poem about me became a mess of thoughts about someone else.
Jul 2014 · 559
Why would I even
Sam Conrad Jul 2014
Why would I even want
Why would I even care
Why would I even live
Why would I even need
Why would I even know

Someone who lied, cheat and bullied, me?
No words no words no words no words
Jun 2014 · 720
One Way Street
Sam Conrad Jun 2014
They say love is a two way street.
Sometimes love is a one way street littered with parked cars and a hundred people driving the wrong way.
May 2014 · 617
Talking to a dream
Sam Conrad May 2014
There's a lump in my throat
Seven Nation Army is playing
And I'm talking to myself tonight
Because I can't forget
How she took her time right behind my back
And it goes back and forth through my mind
As I sit behind my cigarette
The tears dropping from my eyes scream
"Leave it alone"
The terribly thump in my chest
It won't leave me alone
Jack White, you're a genius.

I talk to myself and an image of her in my dreams more than I talk to other people combined.
May 2014 · 699
Merry Sunday
Sam Conrad May 2014
5:09 AM on no sleep and I feel so uneasy. I'm the furthest from proud of myself, just barely hanging on this month and in the past few days, I've relapsed back to a point I thought I was past 3 months ago. It also just hit me how close I am to losing my grandpa who isn't well. I have become the worst wreck of my life, but I'm still here, still pretending things are alright. Truth is, I lay awake too often until 5 in the morning and I'm probably not alright.

Nothing that happened in the past 12 months helped a thing. My health continues to deteriorate. At least my parents finally showed up in my life and friends to keep me going.

I lost the love of my life and learned I was losing my grandpa too, both of which I loved more than anything on earth. One raised me and the other became the reason I lived.

Speaking of that, I'm running out of reasons to pretend...
"I don't want to live without you..." and next week **** she was gone.
My grandpa doesn't want to die.
Relapse is terrible and I never figured I'd forever want to **** myself because of some girl who didn't step back to realize how bad she was hurting me when she chose to forget I was human with a heart.

I thought I was done being unstable, I thought I was done wishing to die. I wish I didn't smoke. I wish I knew how to rid myself of this pain.

At least the toilet likes hugs and doesn't mind the puke.
May 2014 · 664
Hell - Population: 1
Sam Conrad May 2014
Take the following for what it is. Feelings are real and people are people and everyone is human and people forget that. I wrote this while upset, but really, I can't deny its truth. It applies to any people who find themselves depressed as a result of traumatic experiences with loved ones.

...
I don't care what anyone says. I wish every day that the best friend I ever had was still here. Those memories, the fondest of my life, I can't get out of my head. But...

That center of my life tore me up and threw me away. Nobody ever lied to me worse in my life. It was so extreme, that for a very long time it was incomprehensible to the point of mental breakdown. Do you know how stupid it is to want to die, because of only one other soul on this earth? How could anyone give up so much control? Yet, victims of bullying, discrimination, and unfortunate circumstances **** themselves every day. Don't they realize that others love them? Others care, but when you assign so much importance to someone who makes you so happy who then deceived you, your world and your senses can collapse into the most narrow of views.

The problem is, that when someone who means the world to you, does terrible, horrible things, it is too ****** hard to make yourself believe they're terrible for the sake of moving on. Your mind won't let you, for all the reasons they meant so much to you in the first place. You end up blaming yourself, or at the very least, find yourself in a perpetual argument which drives yourself insane because of so many memories you cannot erase.

I blame myself. But I don't. But I do. But I don't. But I do. But I don't.
Let me tell you, the pain can become excruciating beyond overwhelming.

Welcome to hell. Population: 1.

"I love them..." "I miss them..." "I need them..."
You just wish they weren't the crap they ended up being in the end.
You try to turn around the depression you have because they're gone by reassuring yourself that you DON'T need them because of all they've done to hurt you, shame you, even threaten your existence or show you they don't care.

Immediately afterwards you look down upon yourself because you can't stand thinking badly about the love of your life.

But then you remember all the promises you made them. How you told them you'd never break those promises.

You wait in hell for ever but that angel isn't coming to save you. She plays two roles...she's also the one that made the cage that keeps you there.

My angel reassures me with such a crooked smile that I belong in hell.
I still down here stuck between a river of thoughts ranging from "I wish she was dead" and "I wish she was here". The latter sometimes includes crying to the point of throwing up. The first makes ME feel like the terrible one.

I took blame for more than I did. She has yet to comprehend a fraction of what she herself did to me. I made mistakes. I did. I confessed. I was so sorry. I still am, kind of... She was very deliberate. She insisted over and over her actions weren't mistakes. I think she was trying to **** me. I know I tried to **** me.

I'll never have peace...
"But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing" -Gotye

The difference is that I'll never be glad it was over. She was my best friend, as close as a sister, and everything I ever wanted. I couldn't have dreamed up someone better, in regards to the person who I thought loved me too...
May 2014 · 435
Next Week
Sam Conrad May 2014
She and I...
We sat on an island alone.
Nobody around her wanted me around.
Nobody around her supported keeping me around.
She got put with me on an island.
She promised me she loved me.
She promised me a lot of things.
We promised each other.
We promised not to let the others get us down.
We promised we could do this...("this" never happened...)
We promised.
We...
When...
When it came down to only us,
I found trust I didn't even know I had.
I trusted her then more than I had ever trusted a **** thing in my life.
I trusted her more than I will ever trust a **** thing in the rest of my life.
I found in her a peace I had never felt before.
I thought her and I were going to build each other up again, together.
I was so ******* determined to help her.
I was going to die before I let her down.
She kissed me. It was the deepest kiss I'd ever had with her.
Next week she was gone.
Next week she didn't love me.
Next week she said she hadn't loved me for a long time.
Next week she didn't love boys anyway.
Next week she had a girlfriend.
Next week I tried to die.
Next week I tried to die.
Next...
Who even gives a **** about the weeks after that because I'm still sitting here alive. Nobody cares about how or if I feel anyway.
I'm really pretty ******* dead and she's happier than she's been in ages.
May 2014 · 411
Everything that isn't me
Sam Conrad May 2014
A fire burns in my heart
For a girl I once called heaven.
Her mom tore me apart
Then the girl took my dusty remains and set me ablaze.

I'm still here.
I cry in my room alone at night and its been now 9 months.
I miss her sweet whispers and her tender embrace.
I miss her cutest smile and the look on her face.

I get sick.
I get so sick.
I get so sick.
I get so ****** sick.
I...
I
She took all the peices her mom left me in and set me ablaze.
She left above me, a faucet delivering a constant drip of gasoline.
She never turned it off...
I keep burning...
And burning...
And my ashes are burning too...
And the powder left from that is burning too...
She's so happy with her girlfriend of six months.
She's so happy...
Does she know what she did to me?
What she did...it was the most immoral thing a girl will ever do to me...
I may never seek out another...
I hate to dwell...but its so disturbing...did she not realize how she was tearing me apart?
I kept saying and assuming it couldn't be her...
But she sure was glad to correct me...
She sure was happy to watch me squirm...
She made deliberate moves, deliberate decisions, said and did such deliberate, inconsiderate and hurtful things.
She knew...
And that's what hurt most of all...
But it was supposed to.

Here I am...getting uneasy at the sight of her face.
I don't feel attracted to it, or her figure, not one bit.
But I keep hoping she'll say she's sorry...
I keep hoping she'll say she'll fix it...or at least try...
I don't think she understands that I gave her everything I had...
There's nothing left for me to build from...she took it all away...
I keep hoping she didn't discard me...
But she keeps laughing and smiling and hopping and skipping and loving...
Loving everything but me.

I keep thinking about the words I want to say to her...if I get the chance.
I keep changing my mind...
"I still love you..." or
"I miss you everyday..." or
"Please come home..." or
"You're the love of my life..."

I imagine she'd call me a creep...

But all that I really am is everything I promised her I'd be.
I am nothing more and nothing less than I promised her I'd be.
I promised her I'd always love her.
I promised her I'd always be here.
I'm still here... but she can't see me.
I'm still here... but she doesn't love me.
I'm still here.
I don't know how I'm still here.
I don't want to be here but here I am.
She tricked me.
Death awaits everybody but I wish it'd come sooner for me. I wish I could be something she loved. Anything. I wish I could be spring. A flower. A smell. A pet. The sun. The rain. A girl. I wish I could be anything I'm not so heaven could take me again.
May 2014 · 2.7k
One Last Chance
Sam Conrad May 2014
The boy inside my head remembers the girl inside yours.
He wants to tell you that he still loves you...that he'll love you forever.
He wants to tell you he's trapped and all alone.
He sits in his cell scratching the days onto the wall.
He draws pictures of your face and imagines holding your hand.
If he ever gets to talk to you again, he pictures what he'd say...
He would do anything for you to give him another chance.
He knows he's a boy and he wishes he didn't have to be.
But that boy inside his head didn't get a say on if he got to be a boy or not.
He wishes that you'd open yourself up to let him care for you again.
He wishes that you'd let yourself be the reason that he lives again.
He wishes a lot.
He wishes too much.
He fears none of them won't come true but he can't stop because it keeps him alive.
He envisions that chance. That he would take it slow and show you his love.
That it would be the deepest display of emotion ever to come from him.
He knows all too well you're not fond of boys- he's almost sorry he is one.
But he loves you. He loves you so much. You're so beautiful to him.
A beautiful person, not a beautiful girl.
He misses you.
He misses you so much.
The world stops when you hug him.
His heart flutters just thinking about it, still.
You're heavenly to him. You took him places he'd never been before.
Places he may never be again.
You see, he wishes he could put into words for you, the feeling...
He never needed anything more than your cuddles and hugs.
Like a living, breathing, soft and loving security blanket, you were...
Nothing in his life ever more peaceful than your arms or the touch of your lips.
He never needed ***...please don't make it about ***...
What he really needed was you.
He prays to a God he no longer believes in that maybe he could have a reason to believe again.
He loves you, Elizabeth Raine. He loves you so **** much.
He knows that's not enough.
He will never be enough.
You were once the reason he lived...
You're now the reason he wants to die.
You dumped him like utter trash and he still couldn't get over you.
You said things that ripped out his soul. Acted like he had no soul to begin with...
But ******, he loved you. He loves you. Like he promised, he always will.
Your girly parts play no part. He wishes you'd understand how much deeper this is than that.
How much you mean to him.
How much you'll always mean to him, how you'll always be his sweet girl.
At least, how he wishes you'd be his sweet girl once more.
He wishes he could show you...that he could find a way.
Tears roll down his face like the first rain of May.
He just wants to be enough to experience heaven one more time...
I'm afraid to inform him that heaven's long gone...
Its not even in existence to experience anymore...
But he'd **** himself...I can't push myself to let him know...
He bought a ticket to hell.
I love you. I miss you everyday. I hope you're doing fine. I hope she treats you well.
I wish I could sleep forever so I could go back to your arms again.

I hope you're not reading this. If you did, you just hugged him.
Just know it gives him the best feeling in the world, even still.
He tries so hard to forget he wants it everyday.
Apr 2014 · 533
Pretend it isn't suicide.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
Let me tell a story about how to be crazy.

So its 3 AM.
You're dreaming in the past, but wide awake. Stomach unsettled, tears rolling down face. Its been forever. Months. Coming on a year. Maybe more. You've been here before. All alone. Various locations and times in your life, but all the same result. You cared about someone more than you thought you could care for anything, and they deserted you, turned their back on you, or decided to hate you. Parents, brother, sister, maybe best friends, or this time the love of your life. That person you found yourself infinitely happy with, who you never thought would leave your side. You question now for the ten thousandth time, why? All over again, the flashbacks cycle through your head. Good memories, bad ones. Ranging from wonderful euphoria to feelings after grave mistakes. A mental rollercoaster ride you strapped yourself into for no reason at all. Things they said, things you said. You find that your head is a broken record which never falters in recollection or account. All these memories, a timeless and photographic archive kept for no other reason than to torment you for the rest of your life. You relive a once familiar face spewing terrible factoid after factoid after factoid, which depending on perspective, or if you must be God or not, are either completely baseless opinions, or maybe totally true. You hear that loved one's voice talk terribly about you again, that same one who once whispered in your ear with such a tenderness of care and love. You go ahead and remind yourself that they now almost act like they never loved you or as if they were only the victim of your completely heinous crimes. As if it were ever news to you. You remember that just before that time, you'd already confessed before the conviction. They wouldn't let you take the blame at the time, but then threw you completely under the bus as if you all of the sudden, needed to be punished for being so absolutely terrible. You had already suffered enough. You were going nuts, you put yourself through so much pain and got so low over things barely of your doing because you wanted things to be alright. You remember confessing to them, owning up to every mistake you could think of, and even things you couldn't control...apologizing for things people said you did, but didn't even do. Promising and pleading to make things right. Promising yourself to never leave their side. That you'd always have their back. But now, you go back to remember that the things you promised were seen as nothing. If they meant something to that person once, they mean nothing now. You remember how their parents talked to you like you were worse than trash, forced a breakup. When you had only tried to piece it all together and came back to your love, they were tired of your "excuses". They even wound up thanking their parents for driving you to the edge of suicide and left you to die when they were the only thing you had left. Did I mention that only weeks after telling you they'd wait for you, after their parents forcefully broke you up, would always think the world of you, would always love you, and always want you, they decided they don't even like your gender? Now, time goes by. Those things are gone. You recreate them in your head over and over because they never did turn out alright. You try to find out what you could have done to change the result. You never got your closure and you became nothing but bad memories and the topic of gossip. The last time you tried to talk to the person about it, they told you they were tired of having to explain themselves to you, but they didnt explain anything at all except reminding you that you treated them like ****, that they're never coming back, and that they're gloriously happy with someone else. They are tired of you shifting blame on them, and telling them they almost killed you with the things the way they dumped you. After all, you almost committed suicide a dozen times. They reiterate to you for good measure, that they don't like your gender. It makes you feel disturbed as you flashback to things you did alone together. You question what was real. They tell you they could never have had *** with you, and act like it is a big deal to you. No matter what you say you can't get them to budge. Its odd to you because you already had a form of *** with them - multiple times, and they appeared to like it. Going down on her was a bit of a one way deal, but what made you happy was being able to pleasure her, and you were satisfied with that. There was never any real craving for more. Besides...you loved them, not their ****** anatomy. You thought it was mutual. You thought you were clear. You thought they were honest. Somehow now though, in their mind, they finally stomped you down. As if you were some terribly controlling brainwashing freak... they finally got away from your control and were proud to do so. The control they and their family and friends all made up for you in their heads. Just like how their mother told you that "you never did anything except **** with her head". You know you genuinely loved that girl. You know your promises were real when everyone told her you were full of ****. You remember in the last of the better days, pleading for that person to just be honest and be themselves amid so much ******* and chaos. Meanwhile people including the love of your life are completely moving on because they couldn't care less than to stop for your ****. Your life is whizzing by you. That person that hurt you, or lets say, you hurt, may never speak a word to you again, yet you continue to dwell on things you couldn't change. There are millions of fish in the sea, and you're determined to starve yourself dead before you let that one get away. Little do you know it was caught by someone else months ago and you'll never get it back. You'll just keep trying until you die because then you can pretend it isn't suicide.
Its 3 AM, ******. Sleep well. Enjoy your girlfriend. The one you obliterated me for.
I'd still do anything for you despite the fact that you're the big influence as to why I periodically have suicidal thoughts, the worst panic attacks of my life and began smoking.
Apr 2014 · 475
I am broken.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
I'll be a broken record until the day I die,
I need to move on but I just won't try,
Though the day I die I'll learn to fly.
Apr 2014 · 312
Things friends say
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
**** that noise.
Forget about her.
She's full of ****.
You don't need her anyway.
I can't believe this terrible **** happened to you.
It was all so unfair.
It's been like 10 months. Why aren't you over it?
**** her. Move on.
Wow. What a ******* *****.
Isn't it finally to the point where you just don't care, where you finally say "**** her", and move on?
Yes.
No.
Kinda...
I don't know, anymore.
I can't believe it either.
Beyond unfair...
Good question.
I can't...I can't.
I don't know what she is, anymore...
No, I don't think I'll ever get to that point. I'll just sing Coldplay and cry for the rest of my life.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
I didn't love her for her body or her beauty.
I loved her for her.
I loved the way she looked into my eyes, not the way her beautiful eyes sparkled.
I loved her thoughts, ideas, feelings and actions much more than anything related to her gorgeous body.
I loved her for kissing me, not because she was a good kisser.
I loved the good and bad and all. It's good to have some differences.
I miss those differences. I promised myself I'd learn to love them and now I'm all alone.
I wanted to live the rest of my life by her side, to wake up with her, hold her in my arms through all of life's struggles.
I promised her I'd always be there, that I'd always love her.
She promised me too.
She says she doesn't love me at all, anymore.
"I'm lesbian and I could never have had *** with you," she told me after deserting me, and apparently all men.
Maybe I didn't want to have *** with her anyways.
I never would have left her for such reasons.
It is, wasn't, and never will be an importance to have *** with someone so special as her.
"Don't pretend", she says. "Even if it's not everything, that's still important"
Well, why do I still say I'd do anything for that girl? Why to I want to kiss her, not because she's attractive to me, but because I have things to tell her that only my lips could tell?
She hasn't looked my way for a while now. I don't exist to her anymore, and she couldn't be happier.
I've not seen her in almost half a year.
She's not been mine for longer than that.
I wonder if she understood what I meant...
I wouldn't just do anything to get her to be mine again,
I'd do anything for her.
Sometimes love is a one way street.
I'm all alone and blind, going the wrong way up it.
I'd say it's a matter of time before something hits me.
Apr 2014 · 396
The Way
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
The way you talk about her makes me want to sigh.
The way you talk about her makes me want to cry.
The way you talk about her makes me want to die.

The way I've seen you talk about me makes me sigh.
The way I've seen you talk about me makes me cry.
The way I've seen you talk about me may make me go goodbye.
So I fell for this girl and she became my life, my best friend, and everything. Then she became only a ghost of the past to me. She still haunts me in my life, she haunts me in my dreams, and I can't get her out of my ****** head.
Apr 2014 · 3.9k
Good Morning
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
Good morning,
It is 2 AM and I haven't slept.

Good morning,
I hope your new significant other greets you with a wake-up text.

Good morning,
Since your mornings are great, waking up to her...

Good morning,
No wait, I realize you don't like me...

Good morning,
Today's another day I'd believed you would love me...

Good morning,
Because its just another bad night for insignificant me.
Apr 2014 · 256
Could have
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
You could have loved me,
But you left me to die.
People speak untruths.
Apr 2014 · 299
Wishes
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
Wishes never come true
When all alone and blue
Mar 2014 · 329
Death
Sam Conrad Mar 2014
Will you do me a favor
And do her a favour
Just take me away?

Will you promise to come sooner
And take me to hell
Where I'll finally have something capable of distracting me?

This girl doesn't want me.
I don't want me either...
I've lived a full enough life.
Too full, I'm spilling all over.
Mar 2014 · 347
Lost Myself
Sam Conrad Mar 2014
Lost
In a metaphor
Comparing my heart
To a boy
Drowning alone at sea

Lost
In a memory
Where my soul
Was full, alive, singing
Only a shell remains


Lost
In a girl
Who swiftly fled
From my outreached arms
For another's

I lost her
I lost us
I lost the sunshine, lost the rain,
I lost everything I lived for.
I lost myself.
Feb 2014 · 675
Shit Brown Eyes
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
Nobody
Sees
How
The
Tears
Weep
For
You
From
My
****
Brown
Eyes
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
Valentines's Day 2014
It began with a good soaking of my pillow,
A swallow of some pills,
Some drool as I was tripping,
Hitting the snooze button 5 times,
Some more tears to wet the sleeves of my clothes,
Running late,
Driving 14 miles to school in 11 1/2 minutes (don't ask how),
Slept through class,
Sat alone crying in my car for an hour,
Went out to lunch with best friend,
Played a first-person shooter all afternoon instead of homework,
Cried in the bathroom with the door locked for a bit,
All while I'm sure she had the best day without me,
Going to see her girlfriend play Trumpet in a concert,
I currently sit and stare at a necklace I bought her,

Wondering what the **** I'm doing with my life.
The necklace says "Be brave, be true, be special, be you"...
It really only signifies, how little I mean to her and how much better shape her ego is in for her to stand against me.

I am damaged, beyond repair.
Feb 2014 · 1.2k
Inconsiderate
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
Continue
Go on
Keep ignoring the flipping **** out of me
You know how it makes me feel
I've told you a million times
Keep being so ******* inconsiderate
I've never seen someone so inconsiderate
You've put me in so much ******* pain
I haven't slept in 4 days
I hope karma comes back around to you
You need something to bite you in the ***
For all the **** you've done to **** me up.
I've gotten close to killing myself over you.
But maybe you're proving now you're nothing to be upset over.
That I shouldn't even care.
Because why should I need someone who doesn't give half a ****.
Why should I care so much about someone who ****** me over so bad?
I thought I loved you
But not this you.
Not this you, you inconsiderate *****.
Keep going, please. I like the pain.
Feb 2014 · 611
What is sexuality, anyway?
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
An old friend of mine I hadn't talked to in over two years,
Asked me today if I ever got the *** change I was talking about.
I remember two years back when I was unsure about myself...
Unsure about my sexuality or who I was born to be.
How uncomfortable I was in my own skin, how unhappy I was with my life.
It was a weird time for me, I felt alienated toward my girlfriend at that time,
I started developing crushes...on...boys, and I didn't know what was going on.
I mean, the thought of loving a guy that way was kind of freaky but,
Sometimes I said "I think I'm gay" and other times I said "There's no way"
But then I just realized- I love people for being people.
I love the people inside, with a preference for females.
And let me say, I fell in love with you.
I did a lot more than fall in love with you.
And when I said I "appreciated your anatomy" it wasn't because I wanted
...to *******.
It was because God, or nature, or whatever made you that way,
and I thought you were beautiful even when you didn't think you were.
Back on the topic of when I thought I was gay,
I just think the thought of taking **** up the *** is a bit too traumatizing.

You know, as I got to know you more, I noticed so many similarities...
You don't believe it anymore but I think we could still be true.
I know that you really, really loved me at one point, so...
Who says you can't love me again? You? Your new realizations?
You loved me once. The way you loved me, I know was not false.
I could read it in your lips, expressions, I could feel your beating heart.
The way we squirmed with hands all over in those moments alone.

P.S. I had a ***** then, too.
Feb 2014 · 683
Breathing
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
What
is
breathing?

Do you
hear me
heaving?

Do you
see me
sinking?

Will you
be
reprieving?

in
out
in
out.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.­..9...
in
out
in
out
1...2...3...4...5...6...
inhale
exhale
inhal­e
exhale
on 3
1..2..3...
-----------------------
"Hello, 911, what's your emergency?"
nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.
nope nope nope nope nope.
I have a long life ahead of me.
Way too ******* long.
Feb 2014 · 1.3k
Used
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
Used
Thrown away
Here I am
Here to stay
Feb 2014 · 942
A windowpane
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
My tears run down
My face
Like
Rainedrops down
A windowpane
This is more like windowpain,
Jan 2014 · 611
Love
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
True love
Real love
Wholesome love, in love.
Lifetime of love.
Hooked on loving.

Love everything about you.
Love the bad things, too.
Love them because I understand why.
Love them because I can see the thought process.
Love the beauty in your functioning.

Would love to help you...to be your relief from the pressure.
To talk through your life, help reverse confusion of your troubled mind.
Because I get it. I understand. I know your feelings, your reactions, what makes you happy.
You don't see it, but I get it. I know that's not much proof, but
I know you better than I know myself. Better than I know anyone.
Love is the wrong word to describe how I feel about you.
"I care about you" is much too insignificant.
You're the world, to me...
And I feel like nothing, to you.
If only you'd give me another chance some day.
I'd take you on the ride of your life.
Jan 2014 · 4.8k
Internet Swag
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
lolwut
man
**** u
u kno wat its like 2 have swag?
no
u don't
cuz you nothin' *****
i got fittie dolla bills out da ***
yolo
Jan 2014 · 552
Made my day
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Thank you
For spending an hour of your time with me today
You made my day
You always make my day
You're the only thing I want
And I guess I'm just
I must be addicted to you
Nowadays
You're the only thing that makes me feel
Except
The feelings are awful
But I'd rather cry the tears,
Than know you're not there at all...
You're right...
You're not good for me...
But you could be...
But you won't be...
But
Thanks
Thank you, best friend
You made my day today
I didn't lay in my bed
And cry tears over you today
You made my day instead
I...
I think I've lost all my desire to...live...
Jan 2014 · 351
I think
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I think I
Love you and
It's hard to love someone
Who doesn't
Love me back and
And
and
and
I think
You're gorgeous
and
I
and
Your mind
I
and
I'm confused
and
and
and
oh
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Step 1
Become someone's best friend

Step 2
Become their boyfriend/girlfriend

Step 3
Get them to fall in love with you

Step 4
Lead them on like you've never led a single thing on before

Step 5
Get them to want to spend their whole life with you, so happy they could die.

Step 6
Pretend you feel the same way

Step 7
Repeat step 4

Step 8
Dump their ***, and as swiftly as possible, get with someone else

Step 9
Talk **** about them behind their back, speak amazingly about the new person

Step 10
Ignore them and watch them suffer to no end
Jan 2014 · 330
Snow
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
What do you know
I had to row
Through the snow?
The snows blow
To and fro
It lets me know
It's cold out; but so
Is my heart in tow
Of a love that it will never know
Jan 2014 · 821
She would have none of it.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I'm pretty weak.
Weak in body,
Weak in spirit.
Weak in places I never knew I could be.

Your mom screamed at me to grow a backbone.
You were my backbone.
I tried to grow you.
I tried to grow us.

She would have none of it.
Threats, promises, whatevers.
Name calling, screaming and shouting.
I didn't deserve it at all.
You would eventually have none of it, too.
I messed up.
Jan 2014 · 339
Title
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Body.
Note to self:
She doesn't love you, give up.
Jan 2014 · 1.1k
Torment
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Torment
Pain
Suffering
Dying
Crying
Sighing
Crying
Dying
Suffering
Pain
Torment
I have no place in this cruel world.
Jan 2014 · 573
Rewrite
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Tears run down
My despicable face
It's not ugly
It's worse
Jan 2014 · 396
Said too much
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
She said too much.
She made me believe.
And I still want to believe.
But I keep falling and
falling and
falling and
falling into
this never ending abyss
she's created
for me.
It's getting really dark down here. The wind is swooshing through my ears. Getting used to this falling feeling. Still hoping something will catch me. If I die though, I won't even notice. I'm sure it will be instant. I've been accelerating for miles.
Jan 2014 · 327
It's because it's her.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
"It's because it's her."
("And you're not her. So ****.")
I'm **** compared to her. Which still means I'm ****.
Jan 2014 · 1.4k
Dinosaur
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I used to think thesaurus was a name for a type of dinosaur.
Jan 2014 · 769
Sip
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Sip
I sit and sip slowly
Hot chocolate and tea
To help warm myself inside
When I'm alone and sad.

I wish I could instead
Sip slowly on your love, beauty and grace,
It works so much better
When I'm alone and sad.
Jan 2014 · 622
Bounce
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Have you ever had an email bounce?
When an email is undelivered, it's called a bounce.

When I'm crying my eyes out,
Suffocating, and my stomach is expelling it's contents

You listen and help me.
You try to comfort me and you tell me I'm not as horrible as I feel...

When I've calmed down enough to approach you
And simply talk in an honest tone about my feelings,

It's like my statements bounce, it's as if they don't sink in...
When I'm upset, you think about what you've done...you start understanding...

When I tell you I'm calm, sometimes you don't even bother to respond...
Panic attack ensues...

Bouncing all over, my words and my feelings...
Soon I'll find my way into the street to be hit or run over.
Jan 2014 · 606
sleepless night
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
6:17 AM on a careless Saturday morning
I roll over in my bed to write about
Another sleepless night.
I spent thinking of you.

I thought we had a future, and
I can't help but fantasize because
You're everything I ever wanted
And all I'll ever need...

But you're gone now, and happy in the new place you're in...
And I'm sitting all alone...
You want to be friends...but
Sometimes sitting right across from you now

All I can do is realize how alone I really am...
Because the person there...she
Isn't going to cuddle and kiss my pain away like she used to.
She doesn't want to touch me anymore.

I wish I knew how to make you come back to me...
But only father time knows if you will.
I want you to know how I feel though...
These feelings are almost too great to bear.

But I'll spend these sleepless nights
Wondering if you'll be there.
Jan 2014 · 1.4k
Three word summary
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
You
Complete
Me...
Sigh.
Jan 2014 · 668
Weird desires
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I just feel like
You're going to think its really weird
My desires to hug you
And hold your hand
And cuddle

I just feel like
You're going to get upset with me
And push me away again
And run off with her
I'm afraid

I'm hurt too
I needed you and I need you
But not exactly in the ways you're accepting to
I feel like I'm going to **** you off...
You don't need me anymore...

You don't want me anymore...
Jan 2014 · 340
Misplaced
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I was misplaced,
Until you picked me up.
But things changed.
You dropped me like a rock.
I am once again,
Seeking a home.
I really liked yours.
You've become home to me.
But you promised me when you dropped me,
That I'll never get to come home.
Jan 2014 · 685
I want to be
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I'm stuck.

I want to be your partner.
The kind of partner that calms you when you're sad
And further cheers you when you're already happy.

I want to be your life.
I want to be the reason you wake up.
Something that makes you happy.

I want to be your friend, too.
You were my best friend. I naturally open up to you.
But I'm afraid too, and I'm hurt too, and well, you weren't very mindful of my feelings...

I want to be your desire again.
I know you needed someone, and...well,
I know she treats you well. I know you're happy with her. But I really do feel replaced...

I want to be your comfort.
I try my best. I'll never stop trying.
But I can't ignore my feelings...

I wanted to go slow too...
To start, just be friends...
But you turned on me. You lost all your respect for me...when I needed you most.

It hurts to see you with someone else.
Please, put yourself in my shoes...
I don't hate you for what you've done...I just wish you hadn't.
I love you...
Jan 2014 · 407
Oh, hello
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
"You treated her like **** and now she found a lover who can actually please her."
"You think you have problems, kid? Life is going to kick you square in the teeth."
"You dwelling and acting like this is just going to make you lose more friends."
"Don't blame your life for your problems. A weak man does that."
"I've already stated my problem, since she left you, you've been acting like an obsessed creep, whether or not you are or not, you've been acting like one."
"You're acting creepy and obsessed."
"It's getting old now. It's been months."
"So you think I was being a ****? I haven't even said half of what I could have."
Someone ******* ****** me, please, for ***** sake, someone send me to hell where I belong
Jan 2014 · 1.7k
I'm a monster
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
's right
Your mom was too
So was your stepdad
So were you
Please go back to a month ago
Don't change your mind
I'm awful
Tell everyone so they know
I don't want anyone else getting hurt by me
I'm a monster
Jan 2014 · 521
Pardon the interruption
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Please pardon the interruption
I need to go try something new and awful
To make myself feel again
Be back later maybe
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