My grandpa died last September
A new girl has come and gone much the same as the girl I was hung up on before
Something tells me I'm not alright

This poem is a story about me. I'm writing it at 4:30 AM because I can't sleep and it's better than smoking cigarettes.

I'm 19. Male, half korean, half American mutt. For some reason, I have this photographic memory. I remember too things like they just happened yesterday. I get flashbacks to events I shouldn't remember. Things I shouldn't think about. Other memories never get past the tip of my tongue. I have PTSD with the dumbest triggers you could imagine. I live every day on the edge with pent-up feelings even though I tell people I do not feel. It's hard to make me laugh, and it's hard to make me cry, and I feel awfully lonely.

I remember elementary school. Age 5... I'll remember the first day I rode a school bus for the rest of my life. I think at least 8 kids asked me if I was Chinese on my walk to the back, and some disgustingly fat kid across the aisle was begging people for paper scraps to shoot spitballs at "the *****". The next 13 years weren't much easier than that day. As I grew up, I found it necessary to grow my wit. I disguised my sorry feelings behind clever jokes while people began to like me. I made some friends, but I felt so alone. I always felt like nobody liked me when it was probably only me that didn't like me.

Senior year of high school, I fell in love with a girl, and this is a really long story too except that I can sum it up that I just ruined her life and now she won't talk to me. But she was the sunrise to what had been a dark, dark life. She was my safety and my warmth. It wasn't about how cute she was or what she looked like. I fell in love with the person inside of her. We did some stupid things, disobeyed her parents. Her parents then damaged me for loving her... and I made mistakes I'll forever regret. I never meant to hurt her, but ... Everything I did to her - and what she's done to me, the guilt I put on myself before she ever left and the pain that she brought on me after she did... I cried to myself for 200 straight days and even though my friends have picked me up, it still makes me feel like the most pathetic being on this planet and I'm sure just like she knows now not to waste any her time on a waste of human life, that was nothing without her.

Why would I even want
Why would I even care
Why would I even live
Why would I even need
Why would I even know

Someone who lied, cheat and bullied, me?

They say love is a two way street.
Sometimes love is a one way street littered with parked cars and a hundred people driving the wrong way.

There's a lump in my throat
Seven Nation Army is playing
And I'm talking to myself tonight
Because I can't forget
How she took her time right behind my back
And it goes back and forth through my mind
As I sit behind my cigarette
The tears dropping from my eyes scream
"Leave it alone"
The terribly thump in my chest
It won't leave me alone

5:09 AM on no sleep and I feel so uneasy. I'm the furthest from proud of myself, just barely hanging on this month and in the past few days, I've relapsed back to a point I thought I was past 3 months ago. It also just hit me how close I am to losing my grandpa who isn't well. I have become the worst wreck of my life, but I'm still here, still pretending things are alright. Truth is, I lay awake too often until 5 in the morning and I'm probably not alright.

Nothing that happened in the past 12 months helped a thing. My health continues to deteriorate. At least my parents finally showed up in my life and friends to keep me going.

I lost the love of my life and learned I was losing my grandpa too, both of which I loved more than anything on earth. One raised me and the other became the reason I lived.

Speaking of that, I'm running out of reasons to pretend...
"I don't want to live without you..." and next week **** she was gone.
My grandpa doesn't want to die.

Take the following for what it is. Feelings are real and people are people and everyone is human and people forget that. I wrote this while upset, but really, I can't deny its truth. It applies to any people who find themselves depressed as a result of traumatic experiences with loved ones.

...
I don't care what anyone says. I wish every day that the best friend I ever had was still here. Those memories, the fondest of my life, I can't get out of my head. But...

That center of my life tore me up and threw me away. Nobody ever lied to me worse in my life. It was so extreme, that for a very long time it was incomprehensible to the point of mental breakdown. Do you know how stupid it is to want to die, because of only one other soul on this earth? How could anyone give up so much control? Yet, victims of bullying, discrimination, and unfortunate circumstances **** themselves every day. Don't they realize that others love them? Others care, but when you assign so much importance to someone who makes you so happy who then deceived you, your world and your senses can collapse into the most narrow of views.

The problem is, that when someone who means the world to you, does terrible, horrible things, it is too ****** hard to make yourself believe they're terrible for the sake of moving on. Your mind won't let you, for all the reasons they meant so much to you in the first place. You end up blaming yourself, or at the very least, find yourself in a perpetual argument which drives yourself insane because of so many memories you cannot erase.

I blame myself. But I don't. But I do. But I don't. But I do. But I don't.
Let me tell you, the pain can become excruciating beyond overwhelming.

Welcome to hell. Population: 1.

"I love them..." "I miss them..." "I need them..."
You just wish they weren't the crap they ended up being in the end.
You try to turn around the depression you have because they're gone by reassuring yourself that you DON'T need them because of all they've done to hurt you, shame you, even threaten your existence or show you they don't care.

Immediately afterwards you look down upon yourself because you can't stand thinking badly about the love of your life.

But then you remember all the promises you made them. How you told them you'd never break those promises.

You wait in hell for ever but that angel isn't coming to save you. She plays two roles...she's also the one that made the cage that keeps you there.

My angel reassures me with such a crooked smile that I belong in hell.
I still down here stuck between a river of thoughts ranging from "I wish she was dead" and "I wish she was here". The latter sometimes includes crying to the point of throwing up. The first makes ME feel like the terrible one.

I took blame for more than I did. She has yet to comprehend a fraction of what she herself did to me. I made mistakes. I did. I confessed. I was so sorry. I still am, kind of... She was very deliberate. She insisted over and over her actions weren't mistakes. I think she was trying to **** me. I know I tried to **** me.

I'll never have peace...