Curled up beneath the duvet
knees drawn up to chest
inhaling the smokey scent of my fleece
sown fresh nostalgia
I remembered how
we laughed and ate off chinaware
while sipping out of plastic cups
sitting by the fire pit
in the backyard
my eyes wandered
towards the woods at dusk
and I breathed
realizing we are just specks of dust
that glimmer in the light of our Creator.

I feel
strangely drained
like a bleached Polaroid
taken in the dark.

Life is largely
color/less
and so god
**** tiring.

If I close my eyes
the black space
between flickers
gets longer and longer.

Maybe if I close
them hard enough
I'll lose years
instead of minutes.

Everything I once loved
is dull and so god
****
color/less.

When I first met you,
I already had begun to make
excuses for you.
The things that you were lacking,
were replaced by something else
and where you had missed,
I had noticed

So when you ask me to take the good,
with the bad, but there is so much good to be had,
I wonder if my body, my heart
is capable of enduring your pain,
Because yours will become mine,
and while I know I am going
to try and save you,
Play the superwoman I know I can be,
I am going to be disappointed
Again and again

When you choose this
over me

I’m going through withdrawals. How awful it is to have to keep yourself from speaking to someone because you know if they wanted to speak to you, they would. I’m so deeply rooted in the sand that no waves that crash on land could overturn me. Your footprints are leading away from me, you are moving further and further down the shoreline, your outline growing smaller, smaller, smaller, blending in with the horizon where the sun is setting in lovely shades of red. I do not fear that you will not be loved, because even now I see how the birds adoringly sing your name. I fear the drops of saltwater that fall down my face each solemn night will one day be able to collect into ocean of their own. I fear the birds will be able to love you better than I have. I fear that this titanic amount of heaviness weighing on my heart will be ever-present. Your name is written in the clouds, and I cannot escape it, for no matter how far I run, I can never escape the sky. When I look up, there it is and so are you.