Sleep decided to vacate me tonight.
I'm left to think about you.
and razors and blood and pain.
I try to drown the urge
in a wave of sound.
the music floods my ears,
but isn't affecting my body.
I want it to hit my spine and
revertebrate through my body.
Instead of my usual dose of pain to keep me sane,
I try to keep the madness away with                                                             ­         melodies that floatthroughmymind.                                              ­                                    a nd a voice that promises to understand and words that spread through your veins better than any drug

Baby boy, baby girl.
Dreams of a future I'm not sure of.
Maybe there will be a wedding,
then what would I say?
It's always going to be this way
with me.
Consistently unsure of me
and even more so of you.
Sadness and rain drops and tea
go together like milk and coffee
in me.

Thinking about life from
my bathroom floor.
My carpeted bathroom floor
that I can't get all the
dirt and mildew and rot from.
Just like my mind and soul,
filled with all the deplorable **** that
I can't forget.
     Bad memories, and
     past mistakes, and
     all the wrong people, and
     destitute trains of thought.
I'm trying not to hate myself from
my bathroom floor.
I don't think it's working.
From a bit away,
I look fine,
          just like my bathroom floor.
Up close,
I'm a melting *** of mess,
          just like my bathroom floor.

When we go to the beach.
to see the colors and shapes of
All those shells we take home to
admire.
They are the dead bodies and bones
of the ocean.
We collect and admire death.

Beauty is a child's game,
A lie they say.
And so I believed.
My world and all of it's nature
lost it's beauty.
But then one day,
months later,
There was you.
And you were beautiful.
You came into my world,
my empty, gray and numb world,
and showed me what beauty was again.
It was in every ray of sunshine,
every breath of fresh air,
every moment of light and laughter.
It was all in you.
The beauty of the world was in you.
And now....
you are my world.

You see the cloud over there above the mountains?
That's my pillow of night.
No stars are reaching for it and its all dark around it.
All those stars in the black sky of velvet are little soft lights of happiness in a dark world.
I feel as if I could lean over the balcony and pull the black velvet sky towards me with all it's beautiful lights
and lay it down before me so I could touch those soft lights
and feel their gentle heat warm my cold hands.
The night will be warm and soft as it protects me from the coming nightmare day.
Be my friend and protector please.

We fight, we break
We make, we take
What is it that we must rush
to constantly?
Why can't we stop to take a look
around and help those who have
fallen?
Is it because we're scared of falling
too?
Or taking that step to help someone
and hold their heart and trust within
your soul?

You called me tonight,
I was so happy to see you.
We smiled and made silly faces and laughed.
We said our "I miss yous"
and our "I love yous".
We took forever saying our goodbyes,
neither one of us wanted to let
the other go,
but we had to.
And my love,
it hurt to press 'end' and
see your face disappear from sight.
I missed you even more after.
Your face, your smile, the sound of your laughter.

I cant sleep.
I'm too consumed with
thinking of you.
I think of you through the day,
but once the sun sets,
my thoughts of you become dangerous.
My mind flashes to blood and how I
had promised I wouldn't bleed for you.
I'm missing you too much, too early.
God, this hurts like hell.
there is a hole in my existence
that only you can fill.
I cant wait to see you again, but I know you're happy where you are,
so I wont tell you about my thoughts at night or the pain in my chest.
Just know, my love, I love you.

The empty street
It expands in front of me
The city lights
I dont know where they went
The buildings, tall and forlorn
Walk alone
Cracks in the ground
Broken bottles
a chuckle sounds out.
'cracks...broken'
a shadow whispered,
'how very much like your heart...'

I sit in my cold bath
It holds the even colder girl.
Slowly deteriorating.
She breaks from a love
that makes her strong...
But when it's gone,
the girl is weak
and slowly rots in her head.
Without those arms that
held her safe from the monster,
It invades her again
and makes her choke on her own
poison and pain.
Without that voice that sang away her fears,
She's lost in her ocean of nightmares.
She shivers,
colder than ever and feels as
her spirit numbs her from the inside out.
She is weak and so vulnerable.
She needs the love whose happiness is hers
and can make her day brighter than
the night stars and the sun.
Reminiscing in her memories,
the frozen girl becomes black and blue.
There is red too
From the bite and pull of her fingernails.
Leaving scars instead of her lover's marks.
Finally calming herself,
She remembers her love is coming home soon
and will protect her from the monsters.
No more pain or fears.
For the first time in the dark night,
the girl smiles and is safe in her mind.

Daddy, people have been saying
I don't look alive.
Daddy, do you think it's true?
Daddy, do you think I'm dead inside?
I don't feel alright.
Daddy, there are so many things
that are hurting me.
Daddy, where are you?!
You were my first heartbreak.
Daddy, please help me.
~ ~ ~
Daddy, the pills, they're not working.
I can't sleep. I can't breathe.
Daddy....
Yes sweetie?
Nothing. Good night, Daddy

A deep blackness covered her sight.
She knew not how long it had been
since she saw the light,
But she knew somewhere in her soul
The light would come and paint the
world in colors,
A warmth of colors of beginnings,
reds, oranges, yellows.
This beginning was called ritausma.
The beginning of the day.

Life is hard, Death is easy.
Death never judges, Life always judges.
Those who lose in life,
win in Death.
Death is a comfort and a blessing
from a God who never cared for his
hurt followers, his hurt warriors...
his lost souls, looking for the light.
Death is the winner of the game,
Life was just the distraction.
We all die.
Maybe tomorrow,
Maybe next week,
Maybe not for years.
But one day,
Death will come for you,
she'll take your hand in a caress
and deliver you to her protection.
Life will be no more.

It's too dark in the corners.
I watch the shadows in my room
as they shift and step towards me.
Shivering I push myself away,
only to feel as my inner demons
claw their way up and out of me.
Emerging slowly and painfully
through my conscience
my personal hells hover over my body,
then seep into my mind
and their soft voices sicken me with their torment.
They sweep themselves through me,
leaving red moons and lines and
their victim begs for them to stop
but they refuse and continue to burn
the numb girl in her own insanity.
crying into the night,
pleading and sobbing for them to let her go.
Her voice does nothing to break
the quiet that now pulsates and suffocates her.
she can still feel the demons razor-like hands
as they had traced her body,
shredding her skin and
tearing her mind from the reality.
Shaking violently, tears streaming down her face,
she holds her body and rocks back and forth
back and forth.
It is a weak attempt at safety and protection...
and she knows it.
But she chooses to believe if she
protects herself like this,
the demons won't be able to come back
and tear her from everything
and leave her screaming at the darkness outside
and within.

I've always wanted to be a rock star
the idols of ***, allure, drugs, and music.
I want to be someone's god
I want to walk onstage and command
everybody.
I want them all to be mine and be untouchably touchable.
I want to wreak havoc on the order and rebel against them all.
Glam rock has a particular appeal with the
makeup and costumes and aura of
*** and sensuality and vulnerable impregnability.
I want to be idolized and unconnected with everything.
You all mean nothing but are the reason for my existence.
This is my wish

I glance to my side to see my mirror image.
She looks just like me.
But there are small differences.
And it really shows who's the better one.
Her hair is longer, her skin is clearer
she's taller and thinner.
Her body is more complete and smaller.
She's lovely.
Mother calls her wise and intelligent.
She's the favorite.
I sit in my corner.
I always fail,
never could compare.
My candle was outshone by the
brilliance of her star.
I love her.
I have to, and I admire her.
...
But I hate her too.
I've always been her inferior.
And I hate it because I know she's right.
Always is.
I want to break her perfection.
But that would break her too.
As perfect as she is,
being broken is not for her.
It would hurt her too much.
It would be unfair to her.
...
I may hate my other half
But I don't.
She's too good for that and I want to protect her.
See,
You can't hate the one person you
really cannot live without.
It's impossible.
I'll live with her being perfect
I can survive in her shadow.
I know how to.
I've been weak so long that I know I'm
strong enough to persevere.

I stare blankly at the open door.
Music drifts from my headphones
and through my mind.
But I pay no attention.
My mind is like a lake before a storm.
Absolutely still and gray.
I don't feel anything.
I keep walking through my life,
waiting for something to happen.
I'm in love and loved
but my mind is ignoring her.
In the recesses of my mind.
There is only pain and a midnight sky
without its stars.
I want to step outside and smile.
But that seems impossible when
there is nothing inside of me that wants to move
from my position on the floor.
I wish I could lay here forever but
there are people who say they need me.
If they need me so much, why does everything
I do for them seem so wrong?
They're always dissatisfied with me.
I don't understand it.
Just let me go if I'm so bad.
So weak. So lame and lazy and stupid.
But you won't,
and instead you keep a puppet,
whose empty shell guards the girl from the outside.
I don't want to be here,
especially here with you.

I thought about you way too much today,
the first time I met you on accident
and you complimented me.
The second time, when I ended up at your place,
also on accident
because my sister wanted to get high after work
and we only had one car.
I was designated driver, and I brought my book.
Everyone was partying in your room
but you came out and talked to me on your
couch for over an hour, even though I knew
you were sleepy, and I, out of place.
But we made each other laugh
and you gave me your number.
Almost a month and a half later,
we were supposed to go on our first date tonight
but you haven't talked to me in days,
and I'm afraid I'm heartbroken...

I just want to feel safe
I don't want to always feel
               emotionally bedridden
        awaiting the next barrage of
               acidic affection and inconsistent insults
I don't want to feel chained down
               by everything around me
               always trying to do what's right
        Never feeling like I'm enough.
Constantly feeling tossed about
        blame placing on everything me
        and around me
I feel stuck at a crossroads
and I'm not sure where to go.
Little lost in my faux heart
I don't know what I'm doing
        anymore
I'm sorry.

Staring at my hands,
they seem to not stop moving, and
I can see them swirling around my vision.
My head rolls back against the wall
and I feel the bass of the music move through me
as I watch people move across the room.
They're moving way too fast and way too slow.
The whole world is spinning
and my eyes can't stay closed,
no matter what I do.
A face swims into view and
he's speaking to me
but I can't tell what he's saying.
I grab his face and touch his mouth
as he asks me questions,
it doesn't help.
I knock over a chair as I pull myself up,
and try to walk to the kitchen.
I accidentally stumble into a girl and spill her drink,
I think I said sorry but I can't tell.
I grab the first glass I see,
an eclectic blend of Gatorade, Red Bull, ***** and tequila.
It burns going down
and my stomach rises into my mouth.
I feel my body slow down as I try to move
towards the back door.
I can't grab the handle the first two times I try
but the third time works, and I'm outside.
A girl I recognize is shirtless
and is dancing to her whatever song
is in her head.
Something in me strains and snaps
and before my brain has caught up,
her hands are under my shirt
and we're kissing.
I don't remember if it was good
or not, but I woke up the next morning
with her lipstick and hickies on my
body so it must've been something.

I want to see what it's like to be good.
do you breathe easier?
Can you go through your day
without regrets?
Do you sleep better at night?
Is life easier? Is it better?
I wouldn't know what it's like to be good.
In order to be good,
you have to do things right
Something I'm miserable at, doing things right.
All my tests have A's but there is no homework.
another failed class.
I made her smile today, my mother screamed.
another fight.
A bright morning, and a dark night.
just another dose of black.
Just one more slash.
just one more drop of blood.
Just another sleepless night.
I'm afraid that while my life is mine,
I'll never be good.

Warmth pools around you
Look around and see that it's night
"You're sad, I know" it says
Cradled to safety
Protected from hurt
Kiss me goodbye
I'm off tonight
Fake a laugh, fake a smile
Save a tear, lose a love
Black and broken
Red between the lines
Claw yourself to shreds
A broken tide on shore
See the pain and lies
The shouts, the fights
The silence of the mind
The voices inside
Insanity breaks
Crawl away to die

Candles by the wall
You watch me take the fall
Incense burning strong
Mind reeling from the pain
Heartbreak isn't fun
God, I'd wish it would rain
Pitter, patter, patter
Down the clatter clatter
Of an empty mind.
Not sure where to go next,
You were my safe place
and now I've got to save face.
I'm home alone while you're on the roam.
Laying on the floor,
hoping to hear the hinges of the door
Dash of salt for the burn,
just put me in the urn
I can't stand to see you anymore.
Goodbye former lover.

I'm always happy here,
or so I thought.
It's been awhile since I've been here.
Things have changed, at least for me.
We arrived today and I couldn't feel
less happy.
It's not the place, it really isn't.
It's gorgeous here,
with the open mountain air,
the deep green of the forest,
the multiple layers of the rock,
the deep blue-green-gray of the lake.
I do not doubt it's beauty.
It is not my surroundings, it is the
people.
I don't know some and don't like others.
I really don't want to be here with them please.
Let me be alone and away from them,
I have a strange dislike and disgust
with them.
Please let me go home...
I bet you can guess that isn't a place
either.
The people I love, admire and adore
are my home.
I only want to be with them and go
away from here, this alien place
to the warmth and comfort of my home
...but I can't.
I'm stuck here with you. With them.
These people who move
and are strangers in my life.
I have and want nothing for or from
them.

All my favorite songs are about you.
I can't tell if that makes them better
or worse.
You make me feel everything
100x more intensely.
But lately it's all been down.
I miss being up.
I miss feeling like the sky was within reach,
and every smile was for me,
and when you were mine.
I guess I just miss you.
These songs will one day be mine
again.
And you will just be a
beautiful memory.

I left my window open tonight
          the loneliness came sweeping
          through it and chilled me
               to the bone
my skin cracked frigid
          and my bones broke off in icicles
          and my heart
                oh, my heart turned to stone
my ribcage has grown brittle and fragile
          don't try to touch me now
          I'll shatter in your
                heart-breaking hands
I don't want to see your warm browns
          try to heat my cold green blues
               I don't need you.

In my Dreams,
The ones I love suffer and cry,
As their souls are taken from them
and delivered
Into Death's all too capable hands and hood.
In my Dreams,
Shadows flutter by
And the faceless angel is haunted
By one of my mind's own creation, a Demon misunderstood.
In my Dreams,
Shattered souls light up the forever midnight sky
And all intact hearts and beauty is doomed
Once inside my nightmare falsehood.
In my Dreams,
The demons awake
Both from down below
And from within.
In my Dreams,
My worst fears await
And tell me to let go
For the last time and convince me that it's not a sin.

i loved you so much
(i still do)
i never said it
but *******, i did.
you told me you loved me
and i thought to myself "this is it"
i gave myself to you
and let you have every inch of me
inside and out.
i remember laying with you
the next morning,
caressing your chest, your stomach,
your face, and neck;
i remember you smiling sleepily at me
as your hands held me closer.
i loved you since the second day
i knew you.
i dont know why but i did.
i was an idiot to believe you.
you've left me broken on my floor,
and i cant stop trying to piece myself
back together, but the shards of me
that you left behind keep cutting me.
you've done what no one else
has fully accomplished.
you've broken me
inside and out.

Rough lines,
a torn heart,
a gentle touch.
Changed air,
unhidden feelings;
intensity.
Tears fall,
veiled face.
A broken body
in strong arms.
A soft kiss
on smooth skin.
A smile revealed
and feelings repaired.

There was something soft about the way she moved.
It was quiet and slow.
She was thinking of something,
deep in her own mind.
She wanted to be left alone to her thoughts.
She didn't want to talk tonight,
her thoughts were too heavy for her voice.
They would break her if
she tried to utter them
and she wasn't quite ready to break,
even though she knew that later in the night
when everything was dead,
her thoughts would become too loud
and she'd break out of fear and pain.
She would pour herself into the night
and it would all be gone by morning.
She smiled to herself, and thought
this is why she loved the night.

Before he fell asleep, he told me
you're my kind of imperfect which makes you perfect.
I felt my breath catch in my throat
in a breath he wouldn't hear.
I have picture perfect moments of him.
The way he sings along to the radio,
in that old fashioned, back roads way.
The way he doesn't let go of my hand, ever.
No matter what he's doing.
The way he purses his lips, and squints his eyes in a playful manner
when he's teasing me.
The way his lips are always gentle on me,
not as if I'm fragile, but because he values me,
as if he knows I'll fall in love him because he refuses to hurt.
The way he moans when he enters me,
and our bodies come together.
The way he laughs with his whole body,
and tilts his head back.
The way he looks at me when he knows I'm hiding something from him,
and gently pulls it out with soft touches and calm words.
The way he buys me flowers every two weeks,
like clockwork, but still manages to surprise me
every time.
I never intended to fall in love with a nice boy,
who's from a small town and has dreams
bigger than this open, farming sky,
who believes in the people of this world,
whose thoughts sometimes keep him in bed
all day,
and make his beautiful brown eyes
have that sad tilt.
Even when he's smiling.
But here I am.
And it's happening.

"i want you in the most unromantic way"
what a beautiful way to say
i want to *******
pull my hair
make me say your name
let me worship you
between your sheets
and legs
let my mouth tell you
"i love you"
in ways my words couldn't
**** me
and ill *******
in ways that will
make you love me

A soft word on parted lips
Gentle, warm and moist
Chocolate brown eyes that understand
Light kisses against my skin
that hint at something more.
I feel her laughter that bubbles forth
and we're both smiling,
it deepens and an unspoken tension
flits between us, luring and tempting.
begging to do more.
My lips part willingly for her
And I taste her on my tongue.
She is sweet and glowing against me.
The heat rises and ebbs,
touches become wanton and frantic
I plead with her to give me my desire.
wish granted
sleep stole over her after the deed,
but I am wrapped in her and awake.
My fingers slip through her hair,
at some attempt to tame it.
Giving up, I chuckle
and kiss her.
Just her.
Her forehead, her hair, her nose, her eyes, her cheeks.
And lastly her lips.
My love and my life
*how I love you.

I'm wearing a dress
And makeup
And my hair is done.
And I'm sitting on my floor alone.
Later on this night,
I'll take off the dress
Wash off the makeup
Brush out my hair
Then crawl into my bed.
And I'll still be alone.
And I'll still be lonely.
And I'll still be wishing for
somewhere else.

Is it bad that I feel lonely?
Is it bad that even though I am not alone,
I long for company,
I just don't know whose.
Is it bad I'd rather sit on my floor,
look at the wall and feel the world around me move,
but feel so still in all of these bright, false colors.
Is it bad that I want to be alone,
but not lonely?
I want to run away.
It's happening again,
I've been feeling it coming for so long,
but warded it away.
It's coming on to me so quickly now..
the broken glass on the floor,
the bite of the razor,
the cold water and wet clothes,
the music and voices no one else can hear.
I want you, who used to always notice,
notice me now in this state.
I thought you would see the signs...
but you haven't...so I'm alone again.
Should've known.
It's okay, though. It's happened before,
I'll leave you alone now.
I'll run away on my own,
and keep being alone and lonely,
because it's better than feeling falsely loved.
It's okay, I'm used to it.
No fault of yours.