I remember you quite well.  
Your face, the way you spoke.
The way your body felt in a warm embrace.
It all floods back from my memory.
Right now.
It's been about 4 years since we met.
                        4 years.
You told me you'd never forget me.
I remember the first time you told me you loved me.
My God we were so young.
It's been about 3 years since you wrote me the first letter in the series of many.
                        3 years.
You told me I was perfect and that stars are not nearly  as beautiful as my eyes.
It was the first time I truly felt that was true.
It's been about 2 years since we stayed up at your house, eating pizza, talking to each other about the wonders of life at 3 am.
                        2 years.
And I still stay up that late almost all the time, thinking about how you hugged me and told me I was wonderful and everything would be okay, and how for the first time in my life I had someone to talk to. I've never had that after you.
It's been about 1 year since we slept in each other's arms and you made me jump on your back and we ran through the pouring rain together.
                         1 year.
We came to a stop. We sat on the bench right next to the lake. We spoke and all I could pay attention to was the way you said my name like it was the religion you practiced and the way the water dropped down your face and body like you were being baptized.
You kissed me then.

I've never felt so holy in my life.

It's been 4 years since we met.
It's been 3 years since I knew I loved you.
It's been 2 years since you saw the real raw unabridged version of myself.
It's been 1 year since I was saved.
And it's been my whole life I've been waiting for someone like you.

Tragically, my love, I don't think you even know my favourite color or the way I love to sing anymore.

You used to think of me every minute of every day.
4
You used to think of me often.
3
You used to think of me sometimes.
2
You used to think of me once in a blue moon.
1
You stopped thinking of me, just like that.
I lost my faith like I lost you.

I felt the weight of a million universes on my shoulders and in my head, pounding

Blood rushing to my head and I cannot fathom obtaining any peace until my blood has stopped pumping

Undesirable, inconsolable, insecure, three words to describe my demeanor

Torn from what I wanted , needed, and all I knew, brought to a state of numbness

Walking around like an emotional, emotionless zombie, unable to think speak or feel properly

Heavy heavy heart, what more can you endure when all you've got left is shattered pieces, too shattered to put back together

My eyes fill like a bathtub and my skin tingles with a feeling of remorse

There's a deep pang at the back of my throat, and a sharp stab in the center of my chest, I cannot feel this way .

This is not what it is supposed to be.

On the edge.
No, not close to the edge.
Right there ******.

Terrifying, lovely.
Lovely, indeed.

Sublime.

I'm afraid, to be honest
of letting go and of letting in.

I'm so close to falling, yet I waiver, I wonder, I stall
I'm unsure.






I've never been so sure.