I don't sleep.

I pace.
I ponder.
I plan.
I plot.
I worry.
I wonder.
I wax.
I wane.
I relive.
I rethink.
I rehash.
I regret.
I contemplate.
I evaluate.
I deliberate.
I ruminate.
I analyze.
I strategise.
I dramatize.
I fantasize.
I brood.
I delude.
I stress.
I obsess.
I oppress.
I'm a mess..

& I don't sleep.

Pond mist milky cream,
White butterflies frothing stir,
  .  .  .  Coffee at first light.

I came to a courtyard of my own making,
To a cottage by the sea at the worlds edge.
I furnished it with my left over life, complete,
Barren and colorless and I wrote the newest
Book of psalms out of tinder and flame, a tome
Of grey and useless poems, unheard of songs
And reams of flesh.  There in the lightest dark,
By the Druid stone that was placed just for me,
I planted a creeping yew tree.  And the moon
Sang in celebration and silence like a fallen
Priest.  
                    Under the covering hazel trees,
That sprung to life after the longest winter,
Which taught me to forget my name, I now
Struggle with light and my body, warring, torn
Is fading slow, like the always arriving, down
Turning solstice, the climates of the mind,
Where it is digging the never ending shallow
Hole only the spreading eternal yew, that I
Planted, will ever know and only the Lazarus
Moon shall ever rise above.

I came to a courtyard of my own making,
Was it dream that led me there or my eyes?

When I was twelve,
my uncle told me that
when I got older,
I would only have enough
"best friends" to count on
one single hand,
and they would be the
best best friends I'd ever had.

And I can count my five
best friends,
but they are not
my best best.
Because they tug
and twist
and ****
and pull
on my heartstrings
in ways that could make
a grown girl cry;
and they do.

So I can tell you the names
of my best friends
that rip me to shreds
and throw my heart
onto a floor covered in
broken glass;
and you will be able
to identify the names,
because they might be your
best best friends, too.

Wanderlust
the beast to slay them all,
pushing my desire
and reinforcing my disability,
reminding me that I have
nowhere to go
and everything to see

Disorder
in my bedroom,
in my essays,
or in my brain;
all of them causing
someone (me)
to explode in a fit of
unwanted emotions.

Apathy
Towards my schoolwork and
busywork handed to me
by middle-aged "can't-do-so-teach-ers"
that need a handful of capsules
to numb the pull to leave
just as much as I do.

Dysfunction
in my brain's chemical makeup,
and my family's emotional one,
not to mention the relationships
I attempt to handle like a
one-handed juggler.

Imagination
creating scenarios in my heart
that could never come to be,
leaving me in a perpetual state of
disappointment.

So now I will tell
my nieces and nephews,
sons and daughters,
or countless grandchildren
to never trust the ones that
try to make something different
of your heart,
because they don't really love you,
they love what the can make you become.

I hold a lot of anger
I hurt, I bleed
I throw up a lot
into the Universe
Occasionally, it takes pity
on me...
Sometimes I plead for forgiveness
asking questions, begging for chances
like a beggar for answers

Question? I'm happy but unhappy?

Answer (a life changer, Certainly!)
one can both be happy and unhappy,
simultaneously, side by side
the dominant one would surely overpower
it depends upon you, the mind, the body
to let the better one prevail,
for yet comes another tunnel
another difficult day to master...... (1)

I've ridden another difficult day
and the answer? as I reflect...

**Perfect

Too many deep breaths
feels like desperation
You bleed through other people
you're an expert on salvation
The horizon of your hips
is by far my favorite mystery
Temptation told me tales of
our impossible history
it just hit me
you don't mind sunrise
because morning aren't
saturated, stained with goodbyes
I want to know your
when, how and why's
Where your worries go
at the end of the night
Then I could take your misunderstanding
as love
Because it can't be understood
so much as coveted
and
There's something in my past
that makes my head not grasp
why I ended up surrounded
by a world of destructed evolution
You can be my problem
I've had enough solutions
Too many left and forgotten
Too many ways to get lost
I may not be whole again
tangled in your fantasy
So captured in my abandon.

my life is not
something you get to play
you can't destroy me
& then shake my hand
and expect me to say
"good game"