And as I sit
With colors all around
There’s a hole in my heart
It’s source yet unfound
When I can fill this
Temporal void
Is up to the imagination
Of a very special boy
I leave everything to you
My life and my soul
Please finally complete me
To have and to hold
In this life and the next
I wish for nothing more
Then to finally feel happy
To no longer feel bored

I don't know what I did
The past is so blurry
I can't remember
What I did to deserve this
My mind won't leave me alone
But you will
My hands move on their own
Texting you again
I know you'll never love me too
I understand you're using me
But red flags through rose-tinted glasses
Just look like flags
Armed with my heart on my sleeve
And rose-tinted glasses
Ready for you to use me
Because pain is the only thing that's real

Scrolling through the past
Is informational
It reminds us of who we once were
And who we've become
Rediscovering feelings
We had almost forgotten we had
And we'd shared them with the world
And we didn't do half bad
I thought I'd never escape her
Her iron grip leaving bruises where she held us
But we did
We made it
Life got a little better for it too

We aren't fixed
We are still sad
We still have depression
But it's not as bad as it was
She's gone from our lives
Our abuser
Tormenter
Stepmother

And she dares to call herself a fighter

Before
In a time I can't remember
There was nothing but dark

Then you arrived
A sun to light up my world
Water to keep me alive

You were sweet like honey
With the right amount of sour
To keep things interesting

I made a mistake

I told you who I am

You may be supportive, sure
But you'd never change
For someone, you claimed to love

I was tossed aside
While you ventured out
For you next conquest

How could you
Someone as broken as me
Break me even more?

Keep quiet
Don't make a sound
Waking the monster is a bad idea
That come's with a painful end
Two soulless eyes stare up at you
A shell of a being
It's a body filled with hatred
For its mistakes and your happiness
It takes it from you when you least expect it
During a movie, or playing a game
You'll be fine one moment
Just living life
But then you speak too loud
Move too fast
And wake the monster within

My emotions are like water
Pouring out of a faucet
They sometimes are
Too hot
Too cold
Too much
Too little
And sometimes, they stop altogether

Have you thought to check up on me?
Have you thought about me?
Have you left your own head?
Or are you leaving me for dead?

Life’s crazy, huh?
Full of false accusations
Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you’ll act on it
Sometimes it’s better to shove emotions into the darkest place in your mind

I hope for the best but expect the worst
Am I a realist?
Or depressed?
Or just seeking attention?

All things considered, I shouldn’t be here
My mother should have aborted me and lived her life
But now she has me
Gods, I’ve caused her so much pain

One of these days, I’ll have to courage
To cut slightly too deep
To jump off the ledge
To pull the trigger

But for now, I take my anger and emptiness out on my flesh
Gray creating red
Moonlight shining through my window
As I hide what I’ve done

It’s not like I’m ashamed
I just don’t want to disappoint them
Everyone thinks so highly of me
It’d be best if I just disappeared

Like I never existed

The red stains my clothes as it soaks through
Creating wet spots on a black surface
Wearing dark colors hides the blood
Hides my true emotions

My true intentions.

Shouldn't they
Care about us?
Having compassion
Opens up doorways and
Opportunities. it allows for
Learning and growth.

Instead, they feign these things
Shooing away the cries of pain.

Help us" they scream, their words
Echoing off of walls.
Losing their meaning as they multiply and
Likewise, get ignored.

i used to have motivation
i used to believe in magic
but then i met someone
that killed her
they say "hope is the thing with feathers"
and feathers are attached to an animal
i think mine was a bird
a phoenix with fiery wings
bold and unwilling to change for some idiots ideas
but my phoenix was drowned
and it left me vacant
my hope has been submerged in water of my own making
so now i no longer believe in magic
nor do i have motivation
instead, i sit in silence
feigning happiness and light
for my phoenix's wings no longer shine bright
and so, in turn, i don't feel any more
instead, i make sure that feeling goes to others

inside this box i sit
alone
afraid
but then you arrive
and we're separated
by this box
around me
my oxygen depleting
my soul crumbling
as i watch
you
give
up

You made me feel so much
We were just out of touch
You helped me to feel
Reminded me that life is real

The butterflies
The warm words
The late nights
The exchanged words

But you murdered the butterflies
Drowned them in cyanide
Kept them alive with a kindred fire
Only to burn them up in their own desire

Another day goes by
Uneventful, fake
The happiness subsides
Leaving a cold, unforgiving world
In its wake
One day
I'll finally know what it feels like
To enjoy waking up
To enjoy life

Today isn't that day

I watch the candle flicker
Moonlight streaming through
My open window
A soft breeze dancing along my skin
This is it, I think
What happiness is
This serenity, calming feeling
Where nothing bothers me
And I feel nothing at all

I was wrong.

Warning: Bleeped out profanity. Read at your own risk

I would call you "dad"
But I would be ashamed to do so
You cannot stand up for anyone
Fooled into submission by her
That f·cking Satanic b·tch
Who is more irresponsible than I
I am ashamed you ever bed with her
I watch your offspring, wishing to be dead
Now I love your children
They even call me "Mama"
Isn't that alarming?
When they confuse their birthgiver with their sister?
But what would I know
I'm just a young girl
I don't know anything, says you
You overprotect me anyhow
As soon as I can leave, I'll be gone without a trace
Living with my mother, the woman that you hate
That you talk sh·t about, while I am within hearing range
Then act like nothing happened, do you think I am a bafoon?
At least I have the ****** courage
To tell someone to f·ck off
I'm glad I'm nothing like you
So, just f·ck off

You're life is tough
I understand
You've been treated rough
Been thrown into quicksand
But that doesnt mean you give up
Not a chance
Instead youre supposed to prosper
Accept a helping hand
Nothing I could ever experienced
Could even compare
To the life youve lived
Pushing through suffocating dispare
Now I understand
You feel like a failure
But youre not
I swear
Please understand,
When I say these things,
I dont mean them to be fake,
Because they have meaning

We used to be so close,
but now you're hard to see.
I don't know why you're doing this,
but you're running away from me.
Each word you withhold,
pulls us apart a mile.
Every moment we're apart,
Lowers our attraction percentile.
I know you don't mean it,
and I've been giving you space.
But it hurts me so much,
to see our attraction erase.
I've been silent for a long time,
enough to open the floodgates of my eyes.
Time is not our friend,
so we must discuss this, in the end.

what would you do
if you breath was stolen
and not in a good way?

what would your last words be
if a gun was against your head
and you couldn't breathe?

what would you say
before the water went into your lungs
and you only had seconds to live?

what would you do
what would you say
if you couldn't breathe anymore?

if the air became poison
and you couldn't breathe
all you could do was watch your family
fall one by one?

Confined to the walls of my room
Bandana around my neck
I try to remember the good things in life
I want to stay out of my own head
Nothing in life is free
Not even the air we breathe
It's tainted with diseases
But we breathe anyway
We endure the screams of alcoholic fathers
We cry ourselves to sleep at night
We convince ourselves that we're alright
And never seek help from others

We are the broken ones
We endure our pain and suffering
We remember the things worth remembering

We are the depressed ones
We see knives as toys
We don't know the difference between light and dark

We are hurt, and some of us can't be saved

I can't stop
I can't
I've tried
But it's consumed me
I won't be the same ever again
But it's okay
No one has noticed anything
No one has cared to tell me that I am slowly changing
No one sees my suffering
No one shows indifference to my shyness
I'm all alone
No one will ever understand

True friendship is laughing when your friend falls before helping them up
True friendship is being allowed to criticize your friend for how they dress, but
        as soon as someone else does, you love their outfit
True friendship is knowing everything about each other (even the ***** details)
True friendship is missing them even before they're gone
True friendship is always being there, no matter what
True friendship is keeping each other in check
True friendship is understanding where you're boundaries are but pushing
        them just slightly with the goal of ******* them off
True friendship is knowing each other's emotions so well
True friendship is being able to guess what the other is going to say
True friendship is:
                            Magical
                            Amazing
                    and eXtraordinary

i've seen you    a   d
                       r       n
                         o  u
staring me d
                 o
                w
                n
talking ****  b e h i n d  my back
about  e v e r y t h i n g  i lack  
after all youve d o n e    
some might s   a   y youve w   o   n
                                    p        
even though i g a v e u

I sit in silence
Unseen and unheard
The world flowing around me
Like water, a blur
An earthquake shakes me
Down to my core
No one else feels this
I start to shake more
My body a vibration
The world a constant mountain
As I shake people don't notice
Of course not, they're too focused
Anxiety is no joke
Yet society sees it as one
It can be caused by anything
Or anyone
So stop with the plexiglass
Stop forming the barriers
Break the glass, step through the other side
Instead of saying "you're fine", your words a rapier

Every day, without fail
My heart beats for you, but to no avail
Youve never looked my way, never cared
Always worried about the way other people stare
So I sit in the back of the room
Broken, dying, vying to be with you
The lights are dimming on the outskirts of my vision
Why was I the one given this mission?
I take out my anger and saddness in ways
That honestly no one would be able to name
I cry in bathrooms, pound on walls
Scream in silence, drown them all
All the feelings I felt for you
Died fighting for breath in the pool that is you
So I sit in silence at the back of the room
Numb to it all, unknown to you
Its funny (not really) how emotions work
That as soon as you notice me, ive already been hurt
Your feelings for me are unreceprocated now
Well, it ***** to be you, feel my pain now.

alone
forgotten
never given any time
to try to see
the light
at the end
of
the
tunnel

I don't know
My life is upside down
Blood rushing to my head
Instead of circling all around

I don't know what to do
About the dampening sadness
All I can do is stop feeling
Stop caring

I want to help
There are so many people out there that are more important
That feel like this way for a reason
But not me

I never want to see him again
His smiling eyes
His false emotions
What he used me to do

I want this pain to go away
The suffering to end
But nothing can help me now
Nothing can show me light

From Sadness
To Suffering
To Death
To a final release

Moods can change and switch
Sometimes on their own
Making a sad moment exciting
Making a happy moment dreadful

Like flipping on and off a light switch
These emotions change
Not on purpose, of course
The emotions rearranged

If a day wasn't already hard
This would make it harder
Being dragged into an abyss
This is what it's like to be bipolar

For the first time in a while
I woke up with a smile
It was plastered on my face
Almost perfectly placed
Getting my morning routine done
Was for the first time, fun
And I left with that smile
Stuck upon my face

Walking down the street
Making rhythmic sounds with my feet
I finally felt like I belonged
Not a character in some sad song
I talked to people without a problem
Like my anxiety was gone
And I got on the bus with that smile
Stuck upon my face

Walking into school
Something that is normally a blur
Was for the first time exciting
The pull to learn enticing
I couldn't be any better
As I type out each letter
To this ode to a day
Without any dismay
And so I continued my day with that smile
Stuck upon my face

Pay attention to your surroundings
Always count exits
And cameras
And make sure you aren't alone
For loneliness causes the voices to surface
And you know what happens then

Convince yourself you have company
Even if you're alone
Crying in a corner
Facing sword-wielding demons with a rock

Alone
Hurt

Waiting for your savior
To come from above
To help you resurface

They never come

Someday, my punishment will end
I'll be free form this hellish earth
Until then I must mask myself
And serve my sentence with diligence

I walk these roads alone
With thoughts swarming through my head
Music in my ears flowing like water through them all
Like air through a spiders web

The water drowning my thoughts
Them fighting for air
Soon they will give up
Freeing me from their despair

Days blend into weeks
Mind dulling and dying
But it's okay, for in the end
My soul will go back to hell

All I know is the sadness
That claws up through my throat
The screams and wails of my demons
Wanting to release their pain and agony

All I know is anxiety
The scary fact of living
Everything I’ve ever known
Disappearing into oblivion

All I know is heartbreak
The emptiness of my heart
The source of all my sorrows
Everything tearing me apart

No matter what I feel
No one will see
No one will notice
No one will care

I'm ready for the words you spit
I'm ready for the obscenities you scream
I'm ready for the sadness to overtake me
For the thoughts to take me over

You have no emotion as you yell
You have no reason to say what you do
You yell anyways though
But not loud enough for the neighbors to hear

I am ashamed of you and how you behave
A sorry excuse for a stepmother
Yet you stick around
My mother blind to the way you treat me and my brothers

No matter how hard I try
You always come back
With new reasons to yell
And get into my head

GET OUT
Leave me be
GET OUT
Stop me from my madness

You've caused this
My sanity slipping
Resorting instead to the peace
Of insanity and death

So when people say I don't have it bad
Because I have a roof over my head
At least they don't have to worry about
How much pain they'll be in that night

Pain caused by words
Pain caused by actions
Pain caused by others
Pain caused by myself

Who am I really
What am I doing
Where do I belong
When should I care
Why am I here...

Love is hard
To find and to feel
Love is something
Not all believe is real

But I know
When I gaze into your eyes
That love is so real
It'll be my demise

Too quick to love
To trust and to be driven
You have to power to break
The trust I've given

But no matter what happens
The love I feel for you
Is something that you take for granted
One of my chose few

I meet you now
And see your true colors
As the backstabber you are
And not some lover

You hurt me in ways
I didn't know I could feel pain
Nothing can compare
To my feeling of disdain

So to you, my breaker
My fallen love
Maybe I was wrong...
Maybe there is no such thing as love...

You've had a hard life
Full of hatred and denial
Betrail and heartbreak
Like your heart is on trial

You want it to end
This treacherous life
To run away free
To give up the fight

But I can tell you now
That nothing can compare
To what you've gone through
Through all that despair

It might seem like
The tunnel of light
Would be much better
If it stopped burning bright

I can tell you
"Don't end your life"
But it would do anything
Except fuel the fight

Your heart doesn't want it
I can see it in your eyes
So I wrote a poem for you
Without wearing a disguise

I might not be the wisest
Or all knowing and powerful
But I can tell you
That life is beautiful

Seeing a sunrise
Or little bits of joy
Will make you realize
Your life's not a toy

Don't take these moments
The futures you haven't seen
Instead, hope that one day
You'll find where you've been

Find your soul and yourself
On this journey of life
Some might even call it
A journey of love

Hallo! It's Ash, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to upload anything recently. I've been going through state testing prep work(boooring) so now that I have finished the Math test, I can write this(yay!). So let's answer some basic questions! Also, if you're just reading this on the home page, check out my other poems on my channel! Thanks!

Age: 14
Birth Name: Rylie Ashtyn Lucas
Nickname: Ashtyn( or Ash)
Gender: Female
Grade: 8
Pronouns: She, Her
****** Orientation: Panromantic, Asexual
Best Friend: Maxyyyyyyy (his poem: https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2405991/dear-maxwell/)
Siblings? How Many?: Yes, 5 brothers that I love dearly( except the eldest, he's evil..)
Birthday: December 15th, 2003
Birth Location: Landstuhl, Germany
Coke Or Pepsi: Coke
1 "addiction": Pinterest

Thanks y'all, sorry for not uploading recently. It's been hectic, not just with school, but also a lot of family drama(if you want more info, message me!)

Love ya!-Ash(tyn)

Explicit

A for Anxiety
B for bipolar
C for confusion
D for depression
E for everything
F for ****
G for great...
H for help me
I for im fine
J for joking
K for kidding
L for lying
M for mistake
N for nothing matters
O for overreacting
P for please save me
Q for quiet
R for respecting everything but yourself
S for so what?
T for thanks a lot...
U for Underneath it all
V for very disrespected
W for *****
X for eXamine my life
Y for youth all gone
Z for a Zig Zag live of emotions

Be happy, and don't be any of these
Also, half of these most teenagers don't have, but we feel like we do

If only you'd listen
If only you'd stay
If only you'd keep me
And my sadness at bay
If only you'd see
If only you'd hear
If only you'd understand
I'm right here
If only you'd notice
If only you cared
If only you realized
That my life can be spared
If only I could see
If only I could care
To notice what you're doing
And how much you truly care

You know me like no one else
So I want to make sure you understand my pain
What I'm going through
I love you to heaven and back
From the deepest points in hell
From the bottom of the sea
I love you
You're like a brother to me
Except I trust you with the things
I tell no one else
We laugh
And we cry
And we sing
And we dance
And right now I have realized
That you're the one thing that keeps me alive
I could go years without internet
Without a phone
Or computer
As long as I can see you
Talk to you
Make you smile

You're everything to me
And I don't want to lose you
So please don't shut me out
The way you have been recently
I understand you have a boyfriend
And that he comes first
But please don't forget about me
Ignore me
Make me hurt
Because it does hurt me
Seeing you without me
I might play it off
Say that I'm alright
Act like I don't care
But I'm crying on the inside
You keep me here
On this planet
Alive
Don't forget about me
And don't ever just walk by
Because recently I have felt alone
And out of place
So this comes from the lightness in my soul;
The beating of my heart
All the love I can muster

Don't
       Let
           Me
               Go
Or else I might die

A rainbow of emotions
Something everybody knows
A rainbow of emotions
They frolic to and fro

RED(Anger)~
        When you're so mad and can't be happy
        When everything is so upsetting you can barely hold it in
        When everyone's being a *****, and no-one can help
        When life looks at you and laughs

ORANGE(Greed)~
              When nothing can be enough
              When you've gotten so much but still want more
              When mans one weakness takes over you
              When greed bubbles out of you like a chemical reaction

YELLOW(Calm/Tranquility)~
              When you're calm and nothing can disturb you
              When tranquility is all you're mind can think of
              When no one can anger you
              When life seems perfect

GREEN(Sickness)~
            When life's punched you in the face
            When a fever, runny nose, throbbing head take over
            When you're so sick to move
            When you're not even able to think of anything else

BLUE(Sadness)~
          When sadness takes over
          When you cry yourself to sleep over little nothings
          When you don't think anything can get better
          When those who care would do anything to see you smile

INDIGO(Compassion)~
             When you feel compassion for someone or something
             When you'd risk your life to save something else
             When you feel amazing whenever you're near them or it
             When nothing can change how you are

VIOLET(Love)~
            When nothing can change how you feel
            When you'd die for someone's happiness
            When life can never affect you
            When you feel true and total happiness

A rainbow of emotions
They affect you every day
A rainbow of emotions
Only you can make them stay

Hey y’all! Sorry I haven’t been writing. Been dealing with a lot of home stuff..that I don’t wanna expand on. But, I promise that I’ll get back to writing ASAP. If you still wanna see what I’m up to, you can look me up on youtube. Ashtyn_Lucas 2003 is my name! Thanks so much

Love Ashtyn

Something, I have found
Is wrong with me
Nothing I can do
Can make me feel complete

I could climb the highest mountain
And feel nothing
Just like how I feel
Whenever I do anything

I try not to submit
To the demon in my soul
But it's so hard to fight
The ever-growing hole

Nothing can fix
What has happened to me
So now all I can do is wait
For it to overtake me

problem after problem
not always a solution
to the pain the always
festers inside of me

it just sits there
wanting to be seen
but you mustn't let people see
how you really feel

conceal yourself
behind a mask
or better yet
a hologram

know that you don't need to
hide all your emotions
the world should be able to see you
through thick and thin

don't conceal
let your expressions show
it'll help
trust me

why cant i sleep
at night like i should
instead im distracted
by things i shouldnt
afraid youll leave
if i sleep
i stay awake
not making a peep
would be dead
if they found me
awake this late
at 1am
please dont leave me
im not ready
to go out into the world
my legs arent steady
help ley me down
to rest my head
and promise that tomorrow
i wont be dead
i wont be alone
ill have you
and youll protect me
against the unknown

a/n i never sleep. too busy writing!

A/N You guys loved the other Middle School poem, so I'm going to write another one for you guys to read. This one will be about when I started 6th grade all through that time. I hope you like it!

First Poem: https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2247755/middle-school/

Worry flitted through my head
As I walked through those doors, unprepared

Nothing I had ever done
Had left me feeling so undone

"It's okay," I told myself
Not able to trust myself

I walked into my first class
Sat down, as the teacher asked

"What's everyone's name,
And how are you?"

I freaked out
And almost cried

I was so scared
I didn't want to be here

But now I think
Back to that day

And laugh at myself
Because I had no reason

To be scared or afraid

I had so many people there
Who had my back

And I made more friends,
Just like that

But as the year went on
I got more comfortable

I noticed who I should be with
And who I shouldn't

And towards the end
Of that hectic experience

I found out something
That I probably shouldn't

I followed protocol
And told someone

About the boy
Who was dealing drugs

My very own brother
Called me out

And I never heard the end
Of the screams and shouts

I wasn't just scared and alone at school
But they were all online, lying about me there too

Not allowed to talk to them
I dropped out of school and started again

Started new, at a brand new school
To become someone new

To become myself now
As I am always to be

Never doubting myself
Like I shouldn't be

You think that one day
Your heart might stop
Sometimes you can be scared
And sometimes you’re not

Sometimes you want to die
Sometimes you don’t
It depends on who you’re with
And what’s going on

Being depressed
Or bipolar isn’t easy
It isn’t fun either
Always ruining moments

You want to know why
You’re life’s upside down
But you can never find out
Because you can’t slow down

Know you’re not alone
There are others like you
Who want to be happy
But have no reason to

every day I find
I do something wrong
even if I was told
to do nothing at all
the lists of chores
I'm given each day
are too long to remember
one thing left to stray
that thing can be so small
like forgetting the laundry or dishes
but boy do I get in trouble
wishing for small wishes
to let me escape
to run and be free
no one to hurt
or ever kick me
because whenever I forget
or work to slow
I get slapped or kicked
but I don't let it show
hiding my true emotions
from the ones I should trust
because if they see my tears
I get kicked in the ****
nothing can compare
to the pain I feel
when the ones I love
hurt me for real
now that I know what it looks like
to be ashamed of your appearance
to be looked at with dislike
for no real reason
the scars and bruises
up and down my legs
are too ugly to show
at any time of day
so that's why I'm looked at
oddly in the summer
cause I'm dressed in pants and long-sleeves
like in the middle of winter
no one can understand
how much I do
until I leave for good
and they notice what I do
they shout and they scream
when something is forgotten
but I'm used to it now
that burning sensation
it starts in my eyes
making me cry
and when they see my tears
out of my disguise
I hide myself
behind a veil of smiles
because no one can know
how I long to run for miles
get away from this hell
that is my everyday life
finally find someone
that really makes my day
someone who knows
and understands my horrors
why I don't wanna know
what they plan behind closed doors
one day they'll catch me
with my mask off and away
my horrors will return
come back to everyday
because no matter how fast
or how far I might run
they'll always catch me
and then I must come
back to the home
that can scare my nightmares
where the devil once walked
and still does, I swear
forced once again
to work hard and not forget
for if I slip up
it might cost me my head

That test
That Homework
That Crush
That problem

Stress comes
In all shapes and sizes
It doesn't matter the reason
Your stress doesn't care
It'll haunt you forever
In life and in sleep
When you're most vulnerable
It'll attack in the most unwanted times
Just prey on you
It's your predator
Always lurking in the shadows
The darkness in your mind
You'll realize one day that time doesn't affect it
It grows with you
Feeds on your worry
And sadness
And anything that could make you feel stress
It'll use against you
Until you find that you're stressed for no reason
Or stressed for every reason

There is a way, however
To keep your stress at bay
If you always are happy
The darkness can go away
Your stress won't be able to grow
Only hide in fear
But the darkness can't fully go away
Because there's always something
That can go wrong
And your stress will feed
And the darkness will grow.