I feel energy crackle and spin under my skin
Desperate for a release I know I can’t provide
I wriggle in my chair and feel my mind start to spin alongside the lightning in my blood and
It hurts to be alive
But I don't want to stop

When I get this way I know what it is to be desperate
I know what it is to be afraid
Because I have to move but I can’t and I don’t know what’s behind the third door I think I might explode
What does it say about me that I’d rather explode
Than walk out of this place where I don’t even want to be?

When it comes down to it
I didn't expect life to change

It was like it wasn't real;
Just a backdrop for what went on inside my head
But
Life is more real and complex than
Anything I could ever imagine
It's constantly changing and now
I remember why I fear the things I fear
Just like
I remember why I shouldn't
And

All the things I say I believe are
Clearly true and right on paper
But
So much harder to stick to in real life
Especially
When it comes to myself
And

I've discovered I like to deal in absolutes
With evidence
(Lots of it)
And
Maybe faith isn't my strong suit, after all
Which

Honestly scares me
Life scares me
The fact that reality has no backspace or delete keys is
Absolutely terrifying
And it is so hard to forgive myself

And
Even harder to respect the decisions of others
If I don't agree with them
It's almost physically painful to
Let someone you love take a path you know is wrong
Because you respect them as an individual and
They won't listen
I don't know how God does it

If
There is one honest thing
I can tell you right now it's that
I am afraid
And I have no idea what I should do
Which

Is ironic and hilarious
Because
A lot of times I find myself
Writing with the belief that
I have some profound knowledge to share
And
I don't think it's egotism because
I'm so self-deprecating
Most of the time
But it is

I wish I
Could spend less time
Wishing I could go back
And live life over
And more time
Trying not to fall
Into a pit of self-pity
In the present
In the future
When

I get scared
My brain tells me to stop
But I'm not going to
I'm going to
Staple my fears and
Insecurities and
Doubts
To these pages and
Live

A car just started
And
I didn't jump out of my skin
This time

i grew
from flowers.
fabric-softener petals
and twirling ivy vines
and quiet dandelions
and ever-sleeping blossoms.
i grew
from oceans.
calmly tossing water
and silent white sand
and slowly-floating seashells.
i grew
from forests.
serene unmoving trees
and soundlessly-swaying grass
and sedated sunlight beams.
i grew
from skies.
silent shooting stars
and twinkling constellations
and ever-so-slightly waning moons.
i grew
from quiet movement
i grew
from sleepy sounds
i grew
from hushed breaths.

i lay my body to sleep.
my heartbeat sounds like its
trying to tiptoe across my pillow.
it must think that im dead
and its trying to leave.

Gaelic moon
mirror image
reflected
in
the
eyes of the raven