I don't know how to feel today
Smothered with questions of why, I'm speechless, I don't know why
It's tearing me up to see that look in your eye
I want to run away from it all,  from you, from me
Not comfortable in my own skin
I hate myself for breaking our beautiful friendship
You gave all and I never could
Now it's been broken in too many pieces
I feel a great loss
I feel my spirit is not at rest
Because our love did not pass the test
Now my best friend is hurting

Why do you still torture me, asking for one more ride
This is the definition of insanity
Look at this mess I'm in, we're a catastrophe

I know we both don't want us to end and our song was different, but now it's over
The damage done, let me go please
We had a good run

I'm sorry I broke your heart as its breaking mine
Today we are both suffering the same heartache
And everything has turned,
This accident has left us confused and wanting
The closeness we had I miss
I don't know what to do or say
I've sweat these emotions out and now I'm dry
Just please make this pain end, don't cry

Forgive me

The air, the warmth, the spaces inbetween,
surrending to your nurturing love in this haven of earth,
We're floating, I'm flying, we're swimming, we're climbing,
But in this cloud with you we drive our own getaway,
We're asking eachother to stay in every adventure hand in hand.
This isn't Kansas Anymore.
From the streets and the lights,
from the drugs to the fights,
Nothing missed, not here in the hills, dark soil, green grass
a beautiful landscape by the mass.
Life is simple, a beauty in itself and what people say is held to a higher thinking, that maybe life CAN be this way and it's not that we're dreaming.
I'm not in kansas anymore...
You stole me away with your first smile, since then our magic carpet has led us here, what's next?

In hiding I bare
Addiction has brought me their.
It's snare is dark,
The devil so inviting,
Whispering, "I need it"
The trick is he's lying.
Just a swallow,
Feel my burn,
As life ticks death in turn.

You **** my sweat and tears,
All you require is to ****** my life by years.
You bleed me dry,
Nothing I can reach, not this high.
I must admit I've given up this try.
It circles, it toils and deeper it groans.
It smothers my mouth and I hold my breath.
Nurtured I am not.
The snake bites at last.
Last round, but I know I'm lying.
It's almost a welcoming darkness,
Playing a fools game, slowly if not quickly I am dying.

The game is a slippery ***** with nothing left to loose but my life.
For my kids sake I try,
But this has left me behind.
One foot forward,
Two steps back.
Enough hope to live right now,
But my actions cry,
Death is calling.
That's why my last words I pray.

Sweet kisses knock on my door.
Tears are dry not like before.
I swim in this water of catastrophe.
Every decision stolen from me.
I'm exhausted from this demon that haunts me.
This whisper that was me before it claimed a grin of tragedy,
Always reminding me.
So today I drown this liquor, or it drowns me.
My ending decided without a word from me.
But addiction didn't smother quietly.
At the end of today my addiction has an audience of an addict and my words are tried but true.
That's why I'm writing you.

I wasn't supposed to say what you did,
I was supposed to let you walk on me
because that's what you made me feel I deserved,
to put you above myself.
Truth be told what you did was wrong,
you toiled with me to bring my guard down,
I was unnerved by your song.

You hurt me,
I didn't see it coming as I was hypnotized by your melody.
Telling myself I expected nothing,
but I gave everything.
Why the game?
Why pretend that my feelings shouldn't exist
when your actions are the shame.

You lifted me up high
so my fall was so much deeper.
You romanced me and made me feel like I was a keeper.
You ignored your own song
and mistook my love for weakness,
now you know I'm strong and your song echos cruelness.

Truth be told the trick is over,
I won't fall again, my voice is bolder.

Sometimes there are just no words,
to describe that empty place that we feel inside,
that place we go when we want to hide.
It's when we feel a great loss,
a pain we cannot place,
or maybe a memory we'd rather erase.
The impulse of deprivation,
followed by agitation.
An impelling force of sadness
that if only we could describe,
maybe we could navigate some release
allow ourselves to let it go and find some peace.
In this moment I have found no words,
it doesn't mean I don't hurt,
it doesn't mean I'm without regret,
to me,
this place does say,
that without you I feel empty.

A star you were,
A star you are,
A star you shall always be,
Forever in eternity.
I got to know you,
Know you true,
Accept the good with the bad,
Because that was you.
Forever a piece of you shall remain with me, because you were my Grandmother and shall always be.
(Dedicated to Star Horne)

Music blaring loud as I throw myself in rhythm with the crowd
my blurred senses starting to spin as the heat of intoxication starts to win
The constant sound, a warm buzz to lift away
the grudge that was today.
In this moment I surrender to the flow and let my thoughts of fear drift from me
dripping of perspiration I keep dancing not worrying about the destination.
Moving on impulse in this moment I am infinite.
Can't help but smile to myself as I feel the cluster of people enclose,
yet all the same distant.
Every move an interpretation
of effortless freedom of expression.
I here the music and know this is my song
as I allow the night to carry me on.

Why do I do this?
My regret is burning like the sun.

I awoke to a cluster of thoughts about last night
the things I do, the things I've done, oh I just might
memories I fight.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, always sorry
always regret, but not the day we met
I drank too much, I talked too much and scared you away
always running, why can't you stay?

Full of questions about this puzzle called life
wonder why I try, wonder why my strife.

Well, I've done it again.
Shouldn't have stopped the battle, but it's not something I can win
before I do it again
tires turning in the sand, same tune, but different band

My heart will always care, because you're the reason,
but you're always moving...You've missed the season.
A leap of faith to have found another kindred soul,
a fragrance of fun when you offered your hand...
We explored each other, but all too fast...
and now as your song should linger, it's only apart of my past.
My heart will always care, because you're the reason,
but you're always moving...You've missed the season.
That's not today, because I'm letting you go.
Admit, we were...
but the sand has fallen in our hourglass,
you never allowed enough hours to pass.
The water that fell through my fingertips,
looking for a day that I wouldn't miss,
love's fairytale from my lips...
We were almost it,
deep breath and no looking back, I'm letting you go.

I feel like covering myself in paint,
always falling for the ones who's colors' faint.
Something about how my canvas attracts the polish of your brush,
at first stroke you offer blue, a fresh coat of something new.
We dance in red, nothing needing to be said.
Pretending that you're different and you care,
submitting my canvas use, I'm the cause of my own abuse.
Eventually the strokes of blush stop, a masterpiece I have discovered not.
So many hopes that these colors will be true,
but again my tears dye blue.
I watch shadows come and go,
I watch time pass through my window glass.
I say hello and goodbye with the same lipstick,
I barely had it, how can I miss it?
Maybe if my canvas was stronger and the fabric harder,
The paint would stick a little longer.
I felt the rain tonight and now my colors' bleeding,
I tell myself it wasn't because you were leaving.
The water drips so quietly,
I ask myself, why me?
I slit the canvas with care,
as if you were behind it...
but honestly, you were never their.

Coffee?
Layout today's passage,
adding creamer with sugar.
Flavor, warmer and smoother.
Expression updated, caffeine included.
Coffee for thought...

The difference is me...
The scars scraped in my memory...

You broke the spell I called life with our first stolen kiss,
taking me by surprise with passion I fell into you, let go of what I thought was right,
to surrender to the colors of the night.

At first we cruised down the highway of secret discovery,
denying the truth by creating our own reality.
Your touch evoked a new harmony,
I surrendered to your desire as it swallowed me.

Drifting in our world, denying the earthquake giving around us,
allowing our indulgence of loves wine, enjoying our spree.
Forgetting the warm burn that followed as we drank each-other in,
never knowing this would end.

I lost and gave everything just to be near you.
Habits and responsibility that had formed my destiny, with you left me.
When did it all go wrong?
Once you had me I became your possession,
no longer an obsession.

I still remember the first time you struck me.
It was a sharp pain that threw my balance off of trust and security.
I trusted you, telling myself at least it wasn't infidelity.
When did your gaze forget me?
With no regret, you watched my tears flow fluently.

Sure, you were always sorry with empty promises of change,
when did your love smother my breath away, leaving this cage?
I was addicted to our poetic cycle.
Always with a passionate revenge you were quick to comfort me and make amends.

I was going to leave you once, but you cut yourself to prove your loyalty.
Played on my love for you,
threatened your life to bring me back to our violent sea.
Our last fight left me more than broken, but empty.

Thought the cuffs would fall by morning like before, but you were ****** into the system of past wrongs affliction.
Now I've picked up the pieces and I'm not the same person,
never will I deny, we did love, but it was a toxic addiction.

I'm writing you to say...

Time has taken you away and I can't hold on to who we were.
We were loves catastrophe,
the difference is me.

Under your persuasion...
I awoke this morning not wanting to awake,
because then the fog of agitation began.
What a crazy, fun, and pervasive ray your light shed in the shadow of my disarray.
How precipitously you undressed me with what could have been your honesty.
Maybe it was the guidance of your smile,
or your manner when you asked me to dance.
Something almost surreal and effortless about you unhinged my walls and thwarted my ambition.
A flower on the wall, you noticed me.
Time was of no essence on this unbalanced wave,
only a tremor of reflection.
Every note defined in your melody,
couldn't help but carry me.
Your eyes a mirror of affection.
Left a soft sting of wanting to know you more, but now you've disappeared.
Your revenant scent left behind on my pillows.
Afraid to move as the color of that night might bleed away.
The air of reality waking my consciousness over will.
Your memory left only an alternate advocate of pleasant distraction.
Almost compulsively I sit up and search for shadows you may have left behind,
accepting my perdition I dress and prepare for the daily grind.
Thank you for your mark against the gray,
words I never had the chance to say.
Under your persuasion of romantic disposition,
I was lost in you and forgot to wonder the meaning of your intention.

Another?
Who is this stranger inside of me,
with every drop and swallow a little bit more of her I see.
She is bold and ******, not like me.
She smiles, laughs and always has company.
Confident and flirtatious in every move,
her words pour softly in something of a melody.

She's alluring and bold, but only in the right moments,
She's funny and sarcastic, but she'll slip away quickly if I...
So, I pour another round.
There she is again, a little warmer now.
Oh, this stranger, if only I could be.
When I'm not with her, I am shy and stumble on my words,
nervous and cautious...
another.

What was I saying?
Oh stranger! How are you so?
Can you give me your secret, oh how you glow!

Finally,
unfortunately,
this stranger has exhausted me.
But I know if I sleep when I awake this stranger will be gone.
She always leaves after the darkness enfolds and I'm left empty with hardly any memory.

I know it's a dangerous game I play, for I've lost many times over and even many day.
I'm addicted to this stranger, but I try to keep her a secret.
Everyone who knows, wants me to beat it.
What a mess her and I have made, but I can't stop this charade.


Another.
Now she must go as I can't control this darkness sweeping me over,
the darkness I must bare.
I've visited here before,
now it's not fun anymore and the consequence unfair.
But the next chance I get, I'll pick up a glass and meet her again.
Why must it be a battle, if this stranger is a part of me, I'll never win.

I sit in the shadow of a window that brings no comfort, or light.
My leaves have fallen, my color is gone, but was once so vivid and bright.
The laughter and faces of my love have forgotten me,
now all I see is the backs of their shadow dancing around me.
If only a glance,
I would give anything to be what I was.
How could you let me fade away, when did you forget me?
I deserved a chance.
Remember how much joy I brought you, I would make you laugh and dance.
To let me slip so very slowly away,
the pain I feel no words can say.
Look at me please, let me go now, at least a glimpse to remember to throw me away.
I can't stand to watch my love's shadows and hear his distant laughter from a far,
knowing I'll never be the reason again for his feelings of delight, or felicity.
I am dry and unwelcome,
smothered in painful memories of my youthful love, only history.
All I needed to stay so beautiful was the water of your love,
I watch my lost shadows as they echo around me, why wasn't I enough?
Death has found me as I've grown old,
Your affection lost has stifled my grace, at least my story is told.

"Life is watching the sun set,
or making a bad decision and learning from it.
Life is waking up excited for a new day;
taking a deep breath before you sleep and letting go in some way.
Life is the little moment in the day when you notice something beautiful,
your thoughts are clear and all you feel is gratitude.
The hustle of life slips away if even for a moment, a moment in today.
Life is watching a movie, or hearing a song that falls to the right chord and touches your soul in an unfamiliar way.
Life is your story and your moment,
today is life and life is today."