The burden of Emotion
Feeling one too many things
A heart that's so entangled
In life's realities
Why won't my mind go silent?
Or let go of the weight?
Its wearing down my tired soul
Caught between the fear and ache
I close my eyes, accept it
What's the purpose of my pain?
Is this how things are meant to be?
Will I always be afraid?
I long to see the Sunshine
Because some days, I can't dream
I need the smile robbed of me
Back where its supposed to be
I'll write you letters
Let it out, everyday
In the efforts to tell you
What my mouth will not say
Connection is dormant
And you're somewhat estranged
But I'm fully aware
It's not you I should blame
How I'd like to tell you
Toss this anger away
Forget all that hurt me
But it hurts to this day
But how could I tell you
It seems that I've changed
When I lost my colors
Everyone went away
Now I sit and ponder
In pity, I play
I know it's not right
But I need to be saved
I can play life off as beautiful
But I often find life cold
And competitive and lonely
Like a frostbite to the soul
Perhaps I am the culprit
When I venture on my own
Come solitude, the hurt appears
And slowly, I unfold
Or maybe my thoughts wander
And I don't want to believe
Light turns to dark and stars come out
And my heart's deceiving me
But I wish to hush the silence
Let me dry my tears away
Maybe life wouldn't seem so miserable
If I were in a better place
Imagine running through the midnight rain
A smile that for years became unknown
Imagine letting out the timid child
Locked inside a heart so hard, a heart so cold
Imagine letting go of every moment
Letting go of all that crushed your innocent soul
You could finally breathe the fresh air in the morning
And the sun, it wouldn't blind you anymore
Imagine if your heart could love again
It's a feeling and it lingers and you know
Imagine if you didnt have to yearn for it
If you gave yourself that chance to become whole
Imagine running through the midnight rain
With a laugh that after years became unknown
Imagine letting go, not as a child
But as someone who has used that pain, to grow
I'm afraid, you're stranded out at sea
With the coldest parts you only seemed to know
A feeling that came following my name
With the darkest parts I only ever showed
I'm afraid you're asking for goodbye
I don't blame you, no one really likes the cold
But I admit it, you were something of a warmth to me
Safe at midnight when the thoughts tore at my soul
I'm afraid because I see it in your eyes
They don't shine for me the way they did before
A sunken sadness but who else is there to blame
I decimated all the love placed in my corner
I'm afraid because I sense it's not the same
I'm afraid because it happens quietly
I'm afraid because you've finally drawn the line
I'm afraid the day has come where you've left me
How I wished to end a sadness
One as dark as it is deep
I longed-for that goodbye
But the evil follows me
I craved for the tranquility
Loopholes in my peace
Hindered me from happiness
It dismantled parts of me
I yearned for a forever
In the moments that the rain
Poured along the concrete floor
And reflected to me, pain
How I craved a simple moment
Where the sadness left my eyes
All I wanted was serenity
To stop hoping for goodbye
I've watched you study Diamond lights
And of their beauty, you'd tell me
Wrapped entirely in your awe
Grateful you'd witnessed such beauty
For you, they sung their melodies
Like oceans' current passing by
And how would you forget
Such wonders witnessed by your eyes
I've kept a hidden melody
And I sing from time to time
To your ears, maybe a whisper
But a symphony, in mine
I've heard you speak of melodies
I've watched you study Diamond lights
How I've wished that you might see me too
But I could hardly climb that high
Ill admit it, you surprised me
But it wasn't worth the wait
Or the tears; or the sadness
Just not worth it, Im afraid
A thousand words left unsaid
I had a million things to say
But I was bleeding out my pride
I was bleeding out my pain
Months of sleeping with the lights on
Every second, tossed in bed
A private, mental torture
I suffocated, in my head
So forgive me, when you ask
When at you, I shake my head
Forgive me when I choose my peace
Over letting you in, again
What a shame you didn't notice it
Catching up to you
The remnants of a broken trust
Hadn't dissipated through
You swore you'd never cry again
That you wouldn't let those eyes
Lie to you, without remorse
They wouldn't get the chance to try
But along the way, you missed it
A crack within the wall
A tear laid on the seam
That you didn't catch at all
And now I'll watch you slip
Pity drowning out my mind
since you were doing it so perfectly
Holding everything, inside
My mind is clouded with one word
And I learned the hard way
To stray from this path
Because, who runs with knives?
And I hear it in my mind
give it a chance
But, I have
And it's soul crushing
I bare my heart
It is placed the same way the sun sits in the sky
I give up control
For a mirage?
When you trust,
You are naked
Where is your armor?
When they cut you
And you bleed
When the tears gather no sympathy
When you are left to fend for yourself
A self-seeking attack
I don't break down my walls
And the notion to, is laid to rest
I know I gather pity
I see souls trying to share their heart
To bring some strength back into mine
And I know it's sad
But I'd rather melt into the concrete
And be no more
Than let that pain scrape my skin, ever again
I have a friend
His name is Nothing
He is a feeling
Where I go, he follows
He sits in the passenger seat of my car
He is the shadow that follows me when the sun is out
Nothing watches me at night
When I stare into the darkness
He laughs through the agony as my tears fall
Because I can't close my eyes
Nothing mocks me
Nothing steals my light
He stole my light
And sometimes he gets lonely
So he brings a friend along
Her name is Pain
Pain likes to whisper malicious secrets
She overwhelms me
She likes to remind me that I've lost my color
And there is a dim grey in everything I once loved
I am forced to carry them
I can't scream
Because they tell me to stay silent
And I do
I know they are bad company
I know I shouldn't listen
But they know me
Pain tells me stories of people like me
She tells me of their beautiful smiles
you're a liar
Pain tells me that people don't crumble in a day
She tells me that Nothing is a deception
I like when she visits
Pain reminds me that I am not made of stone
I bleed when I'm with her
pain is bad company
But pain is the only one who reminds me on my darkest days
That it's okay to be human
Can I suggest self reflection?
Because you're lost; in a constant battle
And it's been so long
Resentment latches on to the first tic
With a painful hold
Because resentment isn't beautiful
With razors and thorns protruding from its skin
And you're not safe
Because you take most of the damage
And the longer you hold on,
I see gashes on your skin
I watch you lick the wounds
But for what
You are so desperately trying to heal a surface
And you think it's okay
this is me
this is how I do things
You're not strong.
Or you imagine
Because harm still reaches you
And you have scars to prove it
I'll tell you of my mechanisms
Let me show you how I cope
The second I feel tears rush in
My smile tells them no
Every second stretches, painfully
From both corners of my mouth
Even sometimes, almost breaking
But those tears arent coming out
And my eyes whisper my secrets
To every foreign soul
They're begging won't you save me
someone save this tortured girl
My coping mechanism
I have days where tears may slip
But almost mastered, perfectly
I died to keep you happy
I drowned out parts of me
The ones that drove you mad
But it was harder than it seemed
You see, those **** parts
Were woven in my soul
And without those missing pieces
Who dared to call me whole
I couldn't wrap my head around it
You tried to suffocate my being
I was a brilliant star
Maybe much too bright to see it
And so I let you go
Because I'd never understand
I had to force myself
To find the beauty in me again
I bet we only talk about the negative side of things
The fights, the fears, the broken parts.
Those negative feelings.
I bet you take one look at me and wonder why it hurts
For a broken-hearted, angry girl
Do you wonder what it's worth
I know the questions in your mind; why'd it have to come to this?
If only we loved each other right
Maybe I'd still kiss your lips
And you ponder on these feelings, chasing what has left you lost
Tainted by your clouded mind
How could 'One day' take so long
To you it feels so wrong
But you wait for what you love
It seems to me that you're mistaken
I sense your yearning, for a ghost
You fell in love with the best parts of me
Someone who I no longer know
And I've stayed hidden in the quiet
I've managed happiness, alone
Spent countless hours trying to heal me
Ignite the fire this world stole
And you want this ghost beside you
But ghosts can't give you any more
Can't give you something that they don't have
When they're not even half a whole
Ask for riches; you'll receive them
Ask me for treasure; you'll get gold
But dont you ask me for my heart
That can't be given, anymore
You have the sweetest of smiles
But you have a broken one, too
I think your mind has you captive
It's like your mind won't let loose
You have such beautiful eyes
But I know they're hurting, like you
They share a weight that you carry
Reflect a part of your truth
And would you tell me, how is it?
To have a heart made of gold
How are you kind while you're breaking?
While this pain is scratching you raw
Would you tell me; how do you do it?
Keep that smile so sweet?
Tell me, how do you hide this
When it hurts the most while you breathe
This anxious mind keeps me awake
Can't close my eyes since I am afraid
A heavy feeling; can't carry the weight
Recurring tics slowly drive me insane
A clouded mind hinders my sight
Now second guessing what keeps me alive
The loneliest place constructed with time
Blades cut through my heart so I'm hollow inside
I am enough
And I shouldn't have to prove
The worth of my soul
I Won't prove myself to you
I am enough
There's nothing better I must be
And I know youll never realize
I hold value in my reach
I might be a Diamond
But I don't sparkle in your eyes
You see me as the simplest thing
To you I'm simply passing by
I might start the wildest fires
How I burn out of control
But I'm like the morning sky
You've seen a million times before
You twinkled like the stars
You were a never-ending light
But you're a beautiful catastrophe
That took for granted what burned bright
I remember who she was
And I miss the happy girl
And I long to see her smile
She saw beauty in this world
But now she longs for silence
Her quiet is her home
She is beautifully broken
And the safest when alone
How could cold freeze such a heart
This candle was put out
She grew tired and forgot
What this life was all about
And maybe it should scare me
What the evil here can do
It dims the brightest fires
And it breaks the strongest, too
You want the thought to go away
The little angel in your mind
You know you could have held her
Could have sung her lullabies
You could have cradled her to sleep
So tiny in your arms
So beautiful; extravagant
You would have kept her safe from harm
You could have kissed her little cheeks
Even rocked her when she cried
But now it's just a "could have"
And it keeps you up at night
But please don't blame yourself
You did what you had to do
The wound is new, but I promise in time
You will have forgiven you
A river in my head
Flowing with such might
Not a single force could stop it
My brain is like the night
Dark and quiet slumber
But the river still remains
It could be considered torture
Runs like blood that fills my veins
I'll take the salt from my tears
I'll pour them across your wounds
I know I didn't deserve this
So if I hurt, then you're hurting, too
I've given the wrong impression
So, I'm weak because I cried?
I can break you in merely a second
And lack any remorse in my eyes
Did you think my whole life was over?
I'm so broken that I can't move on?
You're only a passing by hindrance
You're just one of the choices made wrong
So don't get me wrong, little player
You can't break me or make me crack
Take it from someone who's lived it
And had millions of knives in their back
Can't sleep tonight
Since I wander to you
Like I've lost my direction
While I loose myself, too
Convinced that I need you
Like I can't carry on
Can't live without you
But we both know that's wrong
I've tried closing my eyes
Tried to let myself dream
Of a happier time
Like when you wanted me
But im sitting in silence
Like a fool in the dark
Since I can't let you go
Or get rid of your mark
You were afraid to love
So you let it slip away
Let it slip right through your fingertips
And ran for your escape
So afraid that it might hurt you
You feared dangers from the past
And I knew you couldn't take the risk
For a Love that wouldn't last
It was too good to be true
You must have never known the feeling
You must have just been used to pain
It hurts but I don't blame you
I understand the reasons why
Though, I truly tried to love you
I wont beg you to be mine
Is it just the thought of you
That I dream about at night?
When I long to touch your skin
Long to have you in my sight?
The memories are torture
But they're locked away within
And it's hard when I ignore them
So I let the demons win
The hardest and the sweetest
Reminiscent of the times
Where I thought you really loved me
I really thought that you were mine
And I truly was a fool
I was the worst one of them all
Because I thought that you would catch me
Or at the least, you'd break my fall
If I'm being honest
I lie when I forget
Pretending I don't feel it
But you play inside my head
Clouding every thought
My heart sings out for you
Such a bittersweet emotion
That I couldn't even prove
I laugh because it hurts
And I do it every day
Not a single soul would know
That you're the song I play
You were my darkest secret
And hiding you was tough
You were more than just my warmth
Because with you I fell in love
And I can say I didn't love you
I can say I didn't care
I can tell you it wont matter
But I feel you everywhere
You've stolen little pieces
Parts of me I can't get back
And I lie to make it okay
But it's piece of mind I lack
I wanted you so badly
And I wanted you for me
And to me you were so perfect
It seems I was obsolete
How could it mean nothing
I don't seem to understand
When I fell for you so hard
That I landed with a crash
I drove a knife straight through your heart
I know I've left you half alive
Just another broken soul
In the emptiness of life
You imagined you were safe
That I would never be the one
To bury every piece of you,
That I'd give up, and finally run
And it's painful for me too
To see such sad and lonely eyes
Just wanting someone else's touch
Just wanting someone by their side
I hope to see you heal
I hope that you can carry on
I pray that you'd forgive me
For the things that I did wrong
What a beautiful beginning
How something beautiful should start
Painless and replenishing
And no more broken hearts
Holding on to it so dearly
Such a treasure in your eyes
But you suffocate the beauty
Holding on to it so tight
You give it the best parts of you
And never question why
It's a facade of many wonders
Where the wonders slowly die
And this beautiful mirage
The things you force yourself to see
They're the same things that have killed you
Leaving you in misery
My walls will fall for no one
I will never let them in
They can beg until their knees bruise
Til the teardrops stain their skin
Person after person
Only empty promises
But this time I know better
Than to give my all, again
Why has love become a weakness
Trust is no longer a friend
Wounds that formed while i was broken
Never got the time to mend
Love is now my enemy
Hurting every tired bone
But now I'm just a hardened heart
And better off alone
You remind me of danger
And of broken down walls
Such a foreign sensation
But im feeling it all
Give my all just to save me
To prevent that I fall
Avoiding what's left me broken
Ignoring its tempting call
But I feel myself slipping
Giving me, without shame
I deny, but I know it
That I'm loosing this game
And you'll probably hurt me
I'm sure you'll leave me to break
But im familiar with danger
And you're my newest mistake
I just sit here wondering why
Why would you do this thing to me?
You believed that I deserved it
And threw me in your bitter sea
You were the one who caught my tears
The one who held me through the pain
The only face that felt like home
But now that's lost and it's a shame
You broke a girl that loved you
A day she never though she'd see
Because your arms were her oasis
And your presence was her spring
My heart is still deciding
Whether I can carry on
With you or without you
And if either choice is wrong
I think you know how much I gave you
I think I gave you all of me
I think I gave you little pieces
Every hope and every dream
You're the heart that I would run to
When I was tired and alone
A little net of safety
And my temporary home
But the concrete cracked below me
And the walls came tumbling down
The windows lost their strength
And that safe home let me drown
A near death I'd escaped,
But that temporary home
Is lonely and forgotten
And no longer called my own
Afraid with no direction
Tired and alone
I'm finding myself struggling
In the place that once was home
Recalling distant memories
And locking every door
The things that only used to be
Lay scattered on this floor
Treasures I held dear to me
Dissapear before my eyes
It's like loosing every puzzle piece
And falling down each time I try
They knock upon the door
My patience slowly running thin
I pray the door stays locked
...But you let them walk right in
My walls are made of concrete
The strongest of them all
They cover my heart safely
And catch me when I fall
You can try but you can't break them
See, I've seen it all before
These walls are here to save me
From the dangers past their doors
Danger was my old friend
We reunited through my tears
And every night my cheeks, stained
With the trace of every fear
How I'd love to break these walls down
I'd love to have you hold me tight
But without these walls of concrete
My careful heart would be in plain sight
Tell me how long it's been
Maybe I need to cry
Maybe I need to release this hurt
And let it take the route of my eyes
Because it cries from the inside
It screams until it hurts
It screams until it's lost its voice
And even crying burns
It cries to be released
And bangs upon my walls
It scratches, bites, and tears at my skin
But not even then do I answer its call
I'm waiting for it to drown me
For the day it devours me whole
For the day I can't seem to sleep it away
And I finally loose control
Let it out
Let me tell you something
It's a nightmare in my head
A blessing and a curse
Filled with love and sometimes dread
These emotions overwhelm me
I'm too young to feel such pain
But sometimes pain is worth it
If love lasts another day
There is nothing I want more
Than to have you by my side
Even if it killed me
At least I got to call you mine
My love for you is always
It's forever and a day
And I would do it all again
Just to feel you in my veins
B.K, I Love you.
No sleep for me.
There's monsters under my bed.
What should I do?
They break the peace while I rest.
I use the blankets,
To pull over my head.
I yearn for protection,
From wicked things they have said.
They crawl through the bed sheets.
And enter my mind.
Looking for methods,
To destroy what they find.
But I know you won't break me
And you know you won't win.
Ill destroy what you are,
And all that you've been.
I have limits to my strength.
And my buildings sometimes fall.
I try to find the reasons why
Sometimes they won't get up at all.
I can't help but shed my tears.
As pain drowns me from inside.
Wanting just one breath of air
I'd have at least one breath of life.
I try to lock this hurt away.
And I do it myself, too.
Because no one seems to notice.
My broken heart placed in plain view.
But I lay my soul to rest.
And try forgetting as I do.
Because weakness has become me.
And not one person has a clue.
You are perfect in my eyes
And I never really knew
How it felt to love someone
As beautiful as you
You somehow filled the emptiness
That lingered in my chest
Your laughter filled that hole inside
And your smile did the rest
My heart was never satisfied
Until I caught a glimpse of you
You glued me back together
From all the pain that I'd been through
I put my life on this
That the things I say are true
I've waited all my life for healing
I've waited all my life for you
I think I've broken my own heart
And I've left my soul to die
Although I had no grave intentions
I beckoned emptiness to my life
I've tried to find the joy in things
To keep the others satisfied
But I'm a human; Weak at heart
And I began to loose the fight
Numbness found its only place
Inside my heart and left a stain
I felt nothing for a while
So much worse than feeling pain...
I hope to someday soon
Escape the chains that wound my soul
But for now my heart is cautious
While I try my best to become whole
So safe under these covers.
As you're lying next to me.
Is it possible to have you,
Sinking in each time I breathe?
Please look into my eyes.
And never break this gaze.
My intention is to love you.
In pure and countless ways.
How warm when you caress me.
With your gentle, loving touch.
How was it possible to find you?
In a world that lost it's Love?
You truly are an Angel.
And you belong to only me.
One true and genuine love.
Much bigger than I'd dreamed.
There are thoughts that hold me hostage.
Im imprisoned by my mind.
Menacing demons flaunt their voices.
And make my suffering eyes go blind.
I stare into my reflection.
What am I never satisfied?
When all of those around me
Say Im beautiful in their eyes.
I seem to have this unsolved problem.
These demons tear me down.
I do my best to try and fight them.
But I fall straight to the ground.
I want to be like them...
so perfect is what I thought.
But the worst thing I can do to me
Is be someone that *Im not
We are pieces that don't seem to fit
And weve tried thousands of times
I only breathe for your Love
But our candle seemed to have died
How can I live feeling empty
We're struggling not to let go
I've been crushed with you by my side
But this Love is all that I've known
Who will glue back my pieces
And keep my sad heart inside
Who will protect this mess of a girl
When only you did it just right
This time it wasn't a bluff
I can tell by the cold seeping in
These covers dont do as well as you did
To keep the warmth in my skin
If I could see life through your eyes.
Tell me what it is I'd see.
Would I catch you staring blindly.
Or would you keep your eyes on me.
If I walked you through a garden.
On every corner a lovely rose.
Would you admire their beautiful petals.
Or would you watch my bright light glow.
Am I the only one you notice?
Am I the apple of your eye?
Am I the only face you care to see?
Does your love for me burn that bright?
I hope it burns that bright...
I saw you in my dream last night
You were sitting in a chair
I couldn't help but smile
Thinking you were really there
I saw you basking in the sunlight
And for that second I was fine
My heart sewn back together...
It filled that hole you left inside
But you slowly started fading
And I pleaded with my cries
But its okay... Since for a second
*You brought the spark back to my eyes
If I one day opened my eyes
To find that you were gone
That day would be the end of me
And the end of our beautiful song
Our notes would rocket downward
They would spiral out of tune
Singing our song as they fell
"Are you watching this beautiful moon"
I'm certain I'd find a new song
But that song would never sound true
It's not the place I'd find my music
I only found my music in you
But Im sure I'd remember one sound
The last person who gave me advice
It still rings true to this day
*You can't love the same way, twice
I admit I have a problem
I am blind to many things
I dont see myself as beautiful
Im ashamed of being me
As I look at my reflection
I point out every flaw
Wishing I would love myself
But loving me feels wrong
Oh father, don't be scared.
Yes father, we're right here.
Oh father, you close your eyes.
To the four walls you find yourself stuck inside.
Father, I catch my million tears.
In the palm of my hand and hold them near.
These tears are solely for you.
Oh, for you, there's nothing I wouldn't do.
I forgive you for all those times.
Where I'd lay my head down and start to cry.
When disappointment tore my soul apart.
When I walked away because you broke my heart.
Father, we love you so.
Yes, we are hurt but well never let go.