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Ruth Cardenas Apr 18
You went following a feeling
And you chased after a dream
Because for years you had forgotten
You could be loved and truly free

And you wanted to break free of it
So you held on to something new
Trapped in the darkness of your mind
This touch of light called out to you

But you went searching through a window
Fogged up and broken kind of glass
At times, the kind that would play tricks on you
And build you castles made of sand

And I went following a feeling
And I chased only a dream
When I woke up, it lost it's brilliance
I know this light's not meant for me
Ruth Cardenas Sep 2019
A water so murky
So deadly and plagued
Floods my foundation
And I suffocate

I bleed in the silence
I've dug my own grave
Wait, stop! I'm not ready
I was only afraid

But Torment inhales me
"My Dear, it's too late"
It spits with a smile
"You're my eternal slave"

"You were too weak to live"
"A decision you made"
"You will reap what you sow"
"Oh, the Hell you will pay"

But God opens my eyes
To the shelf where you wait
Stumble towards you, in panic
And I throw you away

My sobs fill the kitchen
For forgiveness and grace
For a moment of weakness
An eternal mistake
Ruth Cardenas Sep 2019
Time passes me by
Don't smile all day
Get the sleep, but no rest
And you're one call away

Eyes open at night
But I'm lost, with no trace
It's been a few days
And you're one call away

If blood sobbed out secrets
Of defeat; Endless pain
Hollowed out by their sorrows
You'dve called them today

You would break down their doors
They would scream, "go away"
"Leave me be", "I need no one"
The Weakness would say

But I'm not the strong one
Left alone with a rage
Left alone with a struggle
And you didn't call today

I cried a few times
"Have you eaten today"
"Have you slept through the night"
You were one call away

But I'm here, in the nothing
In the midst of an ache
Left alone with desires
And expiry dates
Ruth Cardenas Sep 2019
I'm tired of apologizing
For the days that I feel blue
On clouded days, there's less of me
The rest, darkness consumes

But I waste days apologizing
I'm sorry, nothing new
The quiet speaks of wicked things
And I can't follow through

It screams to me, obscenities
I question, but won't do
A second thought, a third one
And I fear I'll follow through

And slowly, quiet pressures me
Surrounded by the blue
Somehow the choice is simple
When there's nothing left to lose
Ruth Cardenas Sep 2019
Knots in my neck
Drowned in the stress
I painted my life green

We see the same sky
When I close my eyes
It's the green I'll someday see

And I won't forget
Our roof and my bed
When you painted my life blue

And yes, I'm upset
This ache never rests
Its constant, and I'm sorry you're blue too

You're afraid of what's at stake
People change, just like memories fade
The past is in the past
And you're left with the hurting

But I realize what you gave; I lived, you loved, I ate
Bad company for all of your mistakes
You'll always be my future
And your hurting is my hurting

I'm 20 now, I'm older
Every precious moment, stolen
I know your heart is breaking
I can tell, cause' mine stays aching

Maybe someday soon I'll see you
Ill ask God to still be me, to you
The years between were taken
Took my heart, only to break it

You painted my life blue
But you brightened it up, too
Dad, I'm sorry you're blue too
And I hope someday I'll see you
Ruth Cardenas Aug 2019
The burden of Emotion
Feeling one too many things
A heart that's so entangled
In life's realities

Why won't my mind go silent?
Or let go of the weight?
Its wearing down my tired soul
Caught between the fear and ache

I close my eyes, accept it
What's the purpose of my pain?
Is this how things are meant to be?
Will I always be afraid?

I long to see the Sunshine
Because some days, I can't dream
I need the smile robbed of me
Back where its supposed to be
Ruth Cardenas Jul 2019
I'll write you letters
Let it out, everyday
In the efforts to tell you
What my mouth will not say

Connection is dormant
And you're somewhat estranged
But I'm fully aware
It's not you I should blame

How I'd like to tell you
Toss this anger away
Forget all that hurt me
But it hurts to this day

But how could I tell you
It seems that I've changed
When I lost my colors
Everyone went away

Now I sit and ponder
In pity, I play
I know it's not right
But I need to be saved
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